UPJOKE
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Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

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The Swiss

Two Swiss guys decide to walk from their hotel from the train station.
30 minutes into the walk one of the guys turns around and stamps on a snail that was behind them, squishing it to death. ´What the fuck did you do that for!?´exclaimed his friend. To which his companion replied ´Well, that fu...

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Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a gre...

A German and a Swiss went to have a meeting together after invading France

The German asked "Why does Switzerland has a Naval Department? You guys are a landlocked country? You dont have access to the sea"

The Swiss then reply "Why does Germany has a Ministry of Justice?"

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerla...

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

Foreign Language

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No resp...

A Czech man goes into a police station in Soviet-occupied Prague

and tells the officer at the desk, "A Swiss soldier just stole my good Russian watch!".

The confused policeman asks him to say that again. "A Swiss soldier just stole my good Russian watch!"

"Surely," the officer says, "you mean a Russian soldier stole your good Swiss watch?"

"W...

What sound does a Swiss donkey make on a mountain?

Yodel-ay-hee-haw

What do you get when you mix Swiss Cheese and avocados?

Holy Guacamole!

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

I have a Swiss flag. It's pretty big. I think it's a good addition to my home...

A big plus, if you will.

What do you call a Swiss Priest?

His Holeiness

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him off the Alps.

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

Why are Mexican train conductors so hard to convict?

Because they always have loco motives.

Cheddar, Gouda, Parmesan, Swiss, just making sure this will be the cheesiest post ever!

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, ...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

A favorite joke of the Swiss (although any country combo will do)

A group of Austrians, embarrassed of the Swiss engineers, approach them with a request to build a bridge in the Sahara. "We want to build the most beautiful bridge, with perfect precision, workmanship, and quality to last a thousand years".

The Swiss Engineers, intrigued by the challenge, go...

Where does Swiss cheese come from, Robin?

Robin: Holey cows, Batman!

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

Never been a huge fan of swiss stories..

always cheesy and full of holes.

A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...

The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

What did the Swiss man do after working 35 years as a Pepsi taste tester?

Peeecolaaa

I'm opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts...

... calling it Hole Foods.

why aren't there any movies about swiss cheese?

because the plot has too many holes.

What kind of milk do you use to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk.

An american, a french, an arab and a swiss are on a fly...

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american take billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drop cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and sa...

A Swiss man goes to America

(This joke can be told using any nationality you want to make fun of, I’m telling it how my Swiss relatives told it to me)

A Swiss man is driving on the highway in America. At one point, he rear-ends an American car and they both pull over. The American walks over to the Swiss man, yelling ab...

How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German

Tell the Austrian he is German.

Tell the Swiss he should be German.

Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.

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Translated a joke from Swiss German. (It was a while ago since I heard the joke, so I don't remember it well)

A man died and was on his way to heaven. When he reached, he saw Jesus standing Infront of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to start a small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when...

So I went online to find out how many Swiss it would take to screw a light bulb. Turns out it's 16 for a 4 pack. So 4 Swiss for the one. But this answer left me with another question:

Why are they all named Frank?

A Joke about a Genie

Two workers and their boss were walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.” "Me first! Me first!" says one worker. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the worl...

Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

I've been trying to make a joke about swiss cheese...

But the joke has too many holes.



I know that was a cheesy joke. Most people aren't really that fondu of them. It's rare for them to be gouda jokes. You may think of me as a muenster for these jokes, and that I could do cheddar than this. I mean no parm in these puns. Alright, I'm done...

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?

Cheerios!

A group of revolutionaries hired a Swiss watch maker to build a clock that would chime when the overthrow began.

And the worlds first Coup Coup Clock was born...

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

Have you ever heard a Swiss joke?

Its cheesy.

The Swiss embassy has had it’s flag stolen.

Ambassadors are nonplussed.

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An Italian, a Swiss and a black guy are sitting at the river...

The Italian guy hangs his penis in the water and says: "With my penis alone I can tell that the water is about 20 degrees".
The Swiss guy follows. "I can do better. My penis tells me the water is actually 23.5 degrees".
The black guy also hangs his penis in the water. "Well, my penis tells me ...

I don't like Swiss cheese.

It's the way it's always holier than thou.

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

So I asked this swiss dude to tell me something good about living in Switzerland.

"Well" he said "the flag is a big plus!"

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a Swiss man...

Were about to be locked up in a German prison for 5 years. The guard says to each one of them, "I will give you each one thing." The Englishman says, " well I'll take 5 years worth of beer." So the Englishman gets his beer and they lock him up. The Frenchman says " well I'll have 5 years worth of br...

Why is everyone so fond of the Swiss?

I'm not sure exactly but their flag is a big plus.

Why did the mouse go to the Swiss Bank?

To take out a provolone.

*Dad Joke* Why do religious people prefer Swiss cheese?

Because it’s “holy”


Used this as an actual dad joke. Daughter/wife not impressed

What do you call a small swiss man?

A Toblergnome.

Why did the pope want a swiss guard?

He heard how holey their cheese was

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...

Multi-porpoise!

Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has lots of holes. The more holes you have,the less cheese you have. The more cheese you have,the more holes you have. Thus,the more cheese you have,the less cheese you have.

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig...

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

If the Swiss Army knife is so good....

How come the Swiss army never fights?

"Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife

It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps.

I guess he's in haute water now!

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

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