What do you call the Swiss president's airplane?

Tobler One

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

What kind of music does Swiss cheese listen to?

Holy music

Never been a huge fan of swiss stories..

always cheesy and full of holes.

A man comes home will a big block of Swiss cheese.

He tells his family he brought cheese so they could make nachos for dinner.

His oldest son, who is kind of a know-it-all, says, "Dad, you brought the wrong kind of cheese."

His dad replies, "Really, the guy I stole it from specifically said, 'That's nacho cheese!'"

What do Swiss Cheese and Jesus Christ have in common?

They are both very **holey**

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

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I gave an elite prostitute a Swiss watch

and she gave me an extra hour ...

Why did the Swiss man take his car to a mechanic?

It kept getting stuck in neutral.

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?

Cheerios!

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

I don't like Swiss cheese.

It's the way it's always holier than thou.

Have you ever heard a Swiss joke?

Its cheesy.

An american, a french, an arab and a swiss are on a fly...

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american take billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drop cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and sa...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

What do you call a really good looking piece of Swiss cheese?

A hole snack

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Here’s a short, funny story:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese,...

There’s nothing much I can say about the Swiss

But their flag is a big plus

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million...

What did the Swiss man do after working 35 years as a Pepsi taste tester?

Peeecolaaa

Why did the mouse go to the Swiss Bank?

To take out a provolone.

I've been trying to make a joke about swiss cheese...

But the joke has too many holes.



I know that was a cheesy joke. Most people aren't really that fondu of them. It's rare for them to be gouda jokes. You may think of me as a muenster for these jokes, and that I could do cheddar than this. I mean no parm in these puns. Alright, I'm done...

What do you call a Swiss Pope?

A Holey Father

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better...

The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss
"So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying.
"Well, the flag is a big plus."

A favorite joke of the Swiss (although any country combo will do)

A group of Austrians, embarrassed of the Swiss engineers, approach them with a request to build a bridge in the Sahara. "We want to build the most beautiful bridge, with perfect precision, workmanship, and quality to last a thousand years".

The Swiss Engineers, intrigued by the challenge, go...

What do you call a small swiss man?

A Toblergnome.

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

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The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

Why did the pope want a swiss guard?

He heard how holey their cheese was

why aren't there any movies about swiss cheese?

because the plot has too many holes.

I'm opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts...

... calling it Hole Foods.

The Swiss embassy has had it’s flag stolen.

Ambassadors are nonplussed.

Why is everyone so fond of the Swiss?

I'm not sure exactly but their flag is a big plus.

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a Swiss man...

Were about to be locked up in a German prison for 5 years. The guard says to each one of them, "I will give you each one thing." The Englishman says, " well I'll take 5 years worth of beer." So the Englishman gets his beer and they lock him up. The Frenchman says " well I'll have 5 years worth of br...

What would you do if all US currency turned in to cheese?

Personally I'd just start using a swiss bank

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An Italian, a Swiss and a black guy are sitting at the river...

The Italian guy hangs his penis in the water and says: "With my penis alone I can tell that the water is about 20 degrees".
The Swiss guy follows. "I can do better. My penis tells me the water is actually 23.5 degrees".
The black guy also hangs his penis in the water. "Well, my penis tells me ...

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It’s all about the dress codes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a ...

*Dad Joke* Why do religious people prefer Swiss cheese?

Because it’s “holy”


Used this as an actual dad joke. Daughter/wife not impressed

I accidentally ordered a ham and cheddar instead of a turkey and swiss...

Whoops, wrong sub

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

Cheesy joke:

A long time ago, the Swiss was robbing a bank. Minutes after the robbery, some Blue cheese showed up on the scene, and caught the Swiss. They drew their gun and said:

“Gouda hell, Swiss.”

And filled him with holes, but Swiss got away.

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

How do you make a swiss roll?

Push him down a hill.

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

How many gears does a French tank have?

One forward, five reverse

Heard it before? Well I bet you don’t know how many gears a Swiss tank has

Because they’re always in neutral

So I asked this swiss dude to tell me something good about living in Switzerland.

"Well" he said "the flag is a big plus!"

"Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife

It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

A man is walking down a beach when he spots a bottle with a cork in it.

He opens the bottle and out comes a genie. The genie is grateful to be out of the bottle and offers the man three wishes to be granted.

The man first wishes for a billion dollars in an offshore Swiss bank account. There's a flash of light and in his hand is a receipt for a billion dollars in...

Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has lots of holes. The more holes you have,the less cheese you have. The more cheese you have,the more holes you have. Thus,the more cheese you have,the less cheese you have.

There was a peasant married couple in Switzerland during WWII.

They had just had twin sons that they knew weren’t safe in Europe with the bombing and havoc around their country. They separated them by sending one of them to Mexico and one to Arabia. The Mexican brother was named Juan by his foster parents, and the Arabian family named the other brother Ahmal. T...

A rich lady hires an old mountain guide for a climbing trip in the Alps

One day, as they cross into Switzerland for more climbing, they are stopped at the frontier by a custom agent. He makes them open their bags and, with Swiss serious and thoroughness, inspects the contents of the lady's bag first.

He immediately finds 6 pairs of panties and cries:

"Ha! ...

Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?

Me: Yes, it was amazing.

You: Did you enjoy the views?

Me: Mmm...No.

You: Why?

Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

I'm writing a swiss novel

But there's a lot of plot holes.

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A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

What do you call a jacknife with all the tools removed?

A Swiss Navy knife...

The E.E.P.A levies charges against Franck Riboud, CEO of Evian, for tapping into protected aquifers in the Swiss Alps.

I guess he's in haute water now!

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

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An American tourist is riding his mountain bike at breakneck speed down a narrow, twisting trail in the Swiss Alps

As he goes to pass a local woman tending to her farm animals in a small field, she turns and yells at him, "PIG!!!!"

The guy is a bit stunned, because the Swiss are usually polite and reserved. But he feels offended, and turns his head and yells back at her, "BITCH!!!"

As he rounds th...

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

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Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

What do you call a joint in Geneva?

A Swiss Roll

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.

"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "

The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"

The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning. ...

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