UPJOKE
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At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

Guy falls in love with a polish girl

He loves the girl to death. Would do anything to be with her. He asks her to marry him and she says “My family would never allow it since you’re not polish.” Crushed, the man is determined to find a way to be polish to marry the love of his life.

A few days pass and he goes to his doctor and...

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A Jew, an Italian and a Polish parson are waiting to be executed by electric chair...

The Jew steps out first, warden asks him if he has any last words, he Mentions that his uncle is a doctor and the warden flips the switch. Nothing Happens. The warden says, “you lucky son of a bitch,” one in 1 million chance it doesn’t work, your free to go.”

The Italian steps up next. The w...

Have you heard of Polish Roulette?

It's just like Russian Roulette but you use an automatic.

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

Two polish Pilots are trying to land a plane

They approach the ground, but they really struggle with the runway. The plane nearly crashes, but they finally are able to land it.

“Jesus,” one pilot says. “That was the shortest runway ever.”

“Yeah, and did you see how wide it was?”

A Polish man goes to the optometrists for an eye test.

The optometrist had his eye chart on the wall with several lines of scrambled letters of various type size. The optometrist points to a line of medium size letters and says,"Can you read this line?" The Polish man says, "Read it! Hell yeah, I know the guy!"

why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?

So they can see the old Polish navy

My band has a polish sound guy

And a czech one too. A czech one too.

i heard that the tallest polish man was 9 foot

i wont trust that with a 10 foot pole

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Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

“Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your f...

Polish guy goes into a store

"I'd like a pound of Kielbasa"

Clerk: you must be a Polack

Pole: why do you say that? If I asked for bratwurst, would you call me a Kraut?

Clerk: No

Pole: If I asked for Italian Sausage, would you call me a Dago?

Clerk: No

Pole: then why are you calling me a...

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

I was at a Polish wedding last night...

I don't know who this Jim Dobray guy is but I must look just like him. He must be a great guy too! Everyone was so happy when they came up to me and called me his name.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

You hear about the Polish terrorist at the spa?

He came in with bath bombs strapped to his chest

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

After filing out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."

My girlfriend asked me to buy her polish remover

I didnt know which one is the best, so i called my german friend

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A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

What do you call a Polish person’s rights?

Their pierogitive.

What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that’s long and hard?

Their last name.

Two Polish pilots are coming in for a landing

But they touch down too fast and the plane runs off the end of the runway.

After the smoke clears, the one pilot says to the other, "That runway was a lot shorter than I remember."

The other pilot says, "Yeah... and a lot wider than I remember it too."

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

Here's a joke I translated from Polish. I hope it works in English too.

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

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An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

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What's the difference between acetone and Hitler?

One is used to remove the polish and the other is used to remove the Polish.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

A man in Kyiv finds a lamp...

So, a gentleman in Kyiv found an old lamp. It had some tarnish on it, so after grabbing the brass polish and a rag, he started to polish it.


POOF! Out popped a genie!


"Master, you have freed me from the lamp! In gratitude, I shall grant you three wishes! (And no wishing for...

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

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I want to try translating a Polish joke and see if it works. A few friends are drinking vodka in the kitchen...

And there are disgusting flies all over the room. They can hardly sip their drinks without these wretched flies getting in their cups, or worse, their mouths.

One man tells his friends he has an idea to get the flies to stop bothering them, but they need to avert their eyes.

A few minu...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

The Polish Hero

Four guys are in a bar; one of them has a completely flat head. The other three keep buying him drinks, each time loudly proclaiming, "And another for the Polish hero here!"

Finally the bartender asks what's up.

"None of us would be here if it weren't for our Polish friend," says one g...

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

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I used to date twins...

... and people always asked me how I could tell them apart during sex.

I told them I used this simple little method:

You see, Sophie always had red nail polish on her toenails and Steve had a dick.

How do you sink a Polish warship?

You put it in water

A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The nex...

What do you do if a polish soldier throws a grenade at you.

Pull the pin and throw it back

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

this one's for UA - keep on fighting the good fight!

A joke we had in Poland, dating from the times of soviet occupation (post WWII).



A border. A Polish patrol found a cow standing right on the border line, half of the cow in Poland, half on the Russian land. A Russian patrol suddenly appears and they go:

\- Davay palyaki, we spl...

What???

Three astronauts are sitting at a table,one from the us,one from russia,and one from Poland. The us astronaut says were going to Mars. The russian says we made it to the moon. The pole says were going to the sun. The other two astronauts say you cant land on the sun,you'll burn. Theres nothing to la...

What is the Polish Combat Weapon of Choice?

The warsaw.

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

A Polish man walks into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician sits him in the chair, and wants to know how good his eyes are, so he asks the man whether he can read the the letters on the 6th line, which are quite small.

The man replies "Of course I can! You think I can't spell my own brothers name?"

A North Korean go to Poland...

Kim Jong Un goes to Poland for a diplomatic visit but his car break in the Polish countryside.

He meet a farmer that ask him :

"Kim jesteś?" (Who are you?)

And Kim reply :

"No, Kim Jong Un."

What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

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Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so >POOF< a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both come off with alcohol

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

What do polish people do for fun?

Polish stuff

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

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What do Canadians call a wet pussy?

An eager beaver.

Only reason I thought of this was because I'm polishing my resume and looked up synonyms for self-starter, and one was eager beaver. One thing led to another, and I thought of this lol.

A Polish guy went to the opticians...

... the doctor asked him:
“Could you cover your left eye and read the second row from the bottom please.”
“Sure” he replied and started reading...
“K R Z Y K A C Z”
And the he stops and says:
“ Can I read it? I know the guy!”

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

A Polish man moves to Korea and tries to find work

He looks for work everywhere but can’t find any, until after thorough searching he lands an interview at a car dealership. The man is interviewed by the boss, who not only has a poor grasp on English, but he also seems to have a very hard time getting his name right. The man tries to explain his nam...

Thatll do it.

A man bought what he thought was a porcelain tea pot at a trader's market,when he finally made it home he was polishing it before putting it in his China cabinet. Smoke began pouring out of it and low and behold a genie appeared. The genie told the man he had three wishes,the only thing is your ex w...

A Polish man goes to an optometrist.

He takes a seat. The optometrist shows him a sign that says:

SZCZPWSZRBWPWZTC
ZRTCWYBLSMSZTCZ

The optometrist asks, "Can you read the letters?"

The Polish man replies "Of course, I even know the guy!"

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Hey you, do you put nail polish on your butt?

'Cause that acetone.

What is the polish word for key?

Crowbar!

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages

It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

What do you it call when Polish people can’t agree among themselves?

Polarized

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish terrorist that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the ...

Where does a zoophile go-to polish his instruments?

In his lab

I wanted to share this hilariously awful Polish joke with you, but...

I can't seem to find it on the PlayStation Store anymore.

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

All of these women talking about “nail polish”..

What about the Germans!?

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.

Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation a...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

In mother amarica you remove the polish with chemicals.

In fatherland germany we remove the Polish with chemicals.

Polish is a lot like Finnish

Theyre both used to make furniture shine

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.

Stranger: What is your name, sad lady

Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat

Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilt...

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