UPJOKE
europeanczechoslovakiaczechoslovakromanianhungarianaustrianbelgianpolandfinnishswedishdutchswedengermanybelgiumgreece

Czech Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

Czech guy caught a gold fish

Czech guy caught a gold fish and was given three wishes in return for its life.

-What do you want?, asked the little fish

-I want China to occupy Czechia and then to return home.

-OK and what is your second wish?

-I want China to occupy this country again and then return ...

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

What did the Czechs use to heat their home before Communism?

Electricity

Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

What do you call an abortion in the Czech Republic?

.. a cancelled check ..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

A Czech diplomat in Washington D.C. is obliged to take his annual physical exam.

He goes to a local doctor for a battery of tests. At the eye exam, the doctor asks him, “So, can you read the bottom line, Mr. Kratochvil?”
“Read it? I dated her in school!”

The Czech at the optometrist

The optometrist shows him the usual table, you know the kind, with the C Z R N H K...

"Can you read this?"

"Read? This moocher still owes me 50 bucks!"

Another one translated to English, this time from Czech :)

A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store.
In the animal store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?
The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goos...

Bohemia just announced its plans to secede from the Czech Republic.

Is this the real life?

A rapper opened a burger joint in the Czech Republic

Now he boasts about how he makes fat Czechs.

what do you call czech music?

prague rock

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

Czech Please

The abortion clinic in Prague had to be closed down due to lack of funds... too many cancelled Czechs apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech at the optometrist

He gets to look at the familiar board with the letters and is asked "Can you read this?"

"Read it? That bastard still owes me money!"

My visit to Poland

I met a Polish friend of mine and told him I want to explore what Poland has to offer.
I asked about the beer culture.
“We have lots of beers, ales, ciders, lagers, you name it!”
“Great, what would you recommend?”
“Anything Czech…”
So instead we went out for lunch.
“...

I will tell you joke about czech postal service.

But i dont know if you get it.

My son went to school in the Czech Republic just for the attractive women

He wanted to study a broad

A Czech man walks into his eye checkup.

Optician: "Please sit down, try to read the letters on the screen."

which were ' G S I R O N V C H Z I T'

Patient: "Uh doc..."

"Why is my name on the panel?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech go hunting.

They reach a clearing in the woods and spot a deer. The Czech aims his rifle to shoot, when a bear attacks them from behind and eats the Czech. The Jew, scared shitless, runs back to town and tells everyone what happened. After some discussion, the worried townsfolk form a hunting party to deal with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...

I've never been good at chess.

Unlike my Czech mate.

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

A Czech lady told me this joke...

Her: "What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?"

Me: "Trilingual."

Her: "What do you a person who speaks two languages?"

Me: "Bilingual"

Her: "What do you call a person who speaks one language?"

Me: ??????

Her: AMERICAN!

A Czech goes for an eye check up

The optician shows the letters on the board:


CZWXNQSTAZKY


Doctor: Can you read this?

Czech: Read? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

What do you call someone who is part Czech?

Czech Mix.

What did the Australian say when he stabbed the czech king?

Czech Mate

Czech Lawyer

A lawyer and his Czech friend were camping in a backwoods section of Montana. One morning, the two went out to pick berries for their breakfast. They went gathering berries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech go camping

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then p...

My Australian chess partner moved to Prague.

Now he’s my Czech mate.

I have a couple of friends from Czech Republic who are sound technicians

Czech one. Czech two

Why do slovaks don't like Czechs?

They prefer cash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.

Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.


Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks h...

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

What does an accountant in Prague do?

Balance their Czech Books.

A rabbit seeks for his hole in a Czech pub

Apparently all the holes are taken up

A dwarf from Prague runs into a bar…

“Help! Help! The Secret Police are after me. Can you cache a small Czech?”

A Czech and a French decide to go hunting together.

They happen across two lions mating and slowly back away. Things don't go as planned, and the lions suddenly notice them, each going after a hunter. A park ranger nearby witnesses this act, and shoots both lions, but not before the lions have already devoured their meals. He cuts open the female lio...

Germany and the Czech Republic have left the EU to form their own fully integrated economy.

Their currency is called the ✓

A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic were camping, when they heard a rustling sound.

They looked behind them and saw a huge male grizzly bear jumping out at them from behind a bush. The two friends fled for their lives, and the bear chased them.

The lawyer escaped, but his friend wasn't so lucky. The lawyer watched in horror as his friend was swiped by the bear's mighty paw a...

A Czech and a Pole go hiking

They wander upon two bears having relations. They try to run but the bears easily chase them down and eat them. A ranger hears the commotion and runs in and shoots the bears. Police arrive and they dissect the female bear and find the Pole. The ranger sighs and says, "Well, I guess the Czech is in t...

A Czech and a lawyer go camping

Two friends, a Czech and a lawyer were on a vacation to Canada and decided they would go camping for a few days. so sure enough the first night they camped out two bears showed up. They were awakened by the rustling noises outside and got up to see what was out there. The bears became startled and o...

A few weeks ago I ordered my favorite Eastern European mail order bride!

Still waiting. My Czech is still in the mail.

I’ve very recently started a company selling trampolines in Prague…

My first Czech bounced.

my European friend and I used to play chess.

he was my Czech mate.

I am going to travel to Prague.

Gotta Czech it out.

Once this damned war is over, me and some of the lads are gonna throw a massive rave party for Russians and Ukranians, Chechens - everyone is welcome! We're hiring some of the biggest DJ's from the U.S, U.K, Poland, Germany....

And

a

Czech

one,

too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech one: God is carrying a bag of dicks...

...when he suddenly trips over a rock and all the dicks fall out. He gets pissed off: "I'm not going to pick them up, Prague's going to be here!"

Two cannibals walked into a restaurant in Prague

They asked for separate Czechs.

There is this guy from the Czech Republic that plays chess with his Austrian friend.

Czech mate.

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you?

Czech 1, Chez 2

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Czech Republican, and a Canadian go golfing.

Out of nowhere, an alligator appears and eats the Czech Republican.

The Jew and the Canadian chase the alligator into the woods, and when they finally catch up to it, they see that there are two alligators there; a male and a female.

The Canadian takes out his lumber axe and asks the ...

Why do chess players search for love in Central Europe?

They prefer Czech mates

I'm going to travel to Prague

Once there, I will enter a bank, and cover the floor with trampolines.

They'll have to deal with a bunch of bouncing Czechs.

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague?

Cancelled Czechs.

I had a lucky chess board when i was a kid

Even thought i never considered myself a great chess player i always seemed to be winning every game i played on that board. It was my lucky chess board. But what was really special about thay board was where it was produced. It was, czech made.

My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved

That makes him a cancelled Czech

Two famous explorers decided to trek across Canada...

They planned for months to make it the perfect trip, and they each had the support of their respective governments. Each explorer was to make a daily video call to their country's #1 news station to update them on their trip, in return for funding.
The explorer from Poland set out, and he met th...

I once met a Redditor in Europe.

His username Czechs out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(A german joke)What does a German, a Turk, and a Czech make in a brothel?

The German fucks, the Turk cleans and the Czech waits for his wife!

What do you call a Czechoslovakian government made of tightropes and skateboards?

A system of Czechs and balances!

Feel free to tell your history teacher, they'll probably laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Slavic man say before he did a crazy stunt?

Czech this shit out

I'm thinking about starting a dating service in Prague

I shall call it "Czech-Mate"

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears. Being somewhat exhausted, the Czech said, "*I'm tired. Why don't you two go hunting? I'll stay here and make up camp for the night.*"

The Frenchman and the Irishman continue hunting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Czech joke for you. (I think it is at least, it was written on page categorised as that)

A Russian soldier unit is flying to Chechnya and the Captain motivates soldiers: "Men, for every Chechen head you will get a bottle of vodka." The plane lands, the door breaks down, the soldiers scatter. In a few minutes they return and everyone has brought a couple of heads. The captain is all pale...

What did the girl say to the hot European?

Czech him out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

Where do people from Prague deposit their money?

Into their Czeching account

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

I just had dinner at a Czechoslovakian restaurant…

They asked if I wanted desert and I was like “Czech, please.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.