A big Swede named Sven is getting married...

And he got real drunk at the wedding party. Taking advantage of this, his best friend Johann, snuck upstairs to screw the bride in the bedroom.

Meanwhile, everybody was kidding Sven about how drunk he was getting. Finally, Sven went upstairs to bed his new wife. But when he got to the be...

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A Dane, a Swede and a Finn...

A Dane, a Swede and a Finn want to find out who is the manliest. They decide to have contest with three stages. First they must drink one liter of vodka. Next they need to kill a bear barehanded. Last, they must prove their manhood and fuck a maiden.

The Dane went first. He drank the vodka, ...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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The Swede’s wife

stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. ...

Finnish jokes poking fun at Sweden, translated to English (not 100% greatest translation)

-Swedish is an easy language to learn. For example, sit horse is sit ruuna (sitruuna = lemon)

-how do you recognize a Swede?

He pushes a pull door

-What is the difference between a chicken and a Swede?

-Chicken only lays eggs/fails (same word in Finnish) once a day
...

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A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian

get caught in a storm while sailing and crash into an island. The island is inhabited by cannibals. They're given 3 tasks and if they fail at anyone of them, they'll be eaten.
First they have to drink a bottle of moonshine, then they have to go into a tiger cave and kill a tiger and lastly they ...

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The Swede with 2 assholes

A Swede and 2 Norwegians live in Austrailia and takes an after-work-beer everyday.
One day one of the Norwegians says:

Norwegian 1: Did you know Swedes have 2 assholes?!

Norwegian 2: No

Norwegian 1: They have! The bartender always says ”here comes the Swede with 2 assholes”

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A Swede and an Italian meet in a pub.

The Italian says, 'I'd rather not talk abut football if you don't mind.'
The Swede replies, 'We could talk about sex.'
'yeah, sex is good.' says the Italian.
The Swede: 'WELL WE CERTAINLY FUCKED YOU.'

What happens when a swede born in Norway moves to sweden?

The avrage IQ of both countries go up.

I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling...

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling by train from Stockholm to Oslo. The Swedes only buys one ticket, but the Norwegians buys two. On the train, the Swedes locks themselves in the toilet. When the conductor goes by, he knocks on the door, asking for the ticket. They slip the ticket under the...

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A Dane, Swede and a Norwegian stumbled upon a magic fairy next to three pools.

The fairy told them that she would turn the water in each of the pools into whatever they want once they jump in the water. The Norwegian immediatly jumps and shouts "Soda!" and the water turns to soda. The Dane is up next, and he screams "Orange juice!" and the water turns to orange juice. When it'...

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn

A Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn tried to swim from Norway to America on a dare. Ten miles from the Norwegian coast, the Swede gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. Fifty miles from the Norwegian coast, the Norwegian gasped "I can't make it..." and promptly drowned. The Finn had just caug...

Two swedes were building a house. One of them threw half if the nails in the garbage.

The other swede wondered why he was doing that, and the first swede answered: "the point and the blunt side are switched on half of the nails so I cant hammer them in!" The other swede answered: "you idiot, they are for the other side of the house"


Btw this is a norwegian"svenskevits" whi...

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke.

It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there’s just Norway.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

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An Englishman, and Irishman...

, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Scot, a Mexican, an, African, a Portuguese, a Swede, a German, and a Frenchman walk into a bar.
“I’m sorry,” says the maître’D, “ But you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

3 men are arrested...

Three men; a Russian, a swede, and a German have been arrested, and they've all been given a 6 month sentence.



Their warden however, is friendly and grants them all a 6 month supply of anything they want.



Upon hearing this, the Russian man jumps up in joy,


...

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

Apparently 2 in 5 Swedes are conceived in an IKEA bed, which is unbelievable to me,

because those stores are very well lit.

How do you describe a Swede, who's not really a Swede?

Swed-ish.

A Norwegian, a Swede and a Finn are on an island

The Norwegian shoots the other two.

Two Swedes live across the street from one another in a small town in Manitoba...

Their names are Ollie and Sven. One morning, Sven is eating his Shreddies for breakfast and looks out the front window into Ollie's yard. Ollie has a sign out front that says "Boat for sale." Sven goes over to Ollie's house and says, "Eh, Ollie, what's this sign here? You don't even own a boat! All ...

Joke About Swedes

Two swedes found a mirror on the side of the road. One of the guys looked at and said


"Hey, I have seen this person before"

The other one took the mirorer, and looked at it and said


"Idiot! it's only me"

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

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A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay.

Swede car online

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't native?

An artificial swedener

Badum tss.

Did you hear about the time Snoop Dogg moved to Sweden and learned the local language?

He spoke swede every day.

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.
So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch. Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.

The Norwegian submarine...

I'll tell this joke like it's told where I live in

A finn, a swede and a norwegian were on a desert island. One day the finn finds a magic lamp somewhere on the island. They all gather together to find out what it is and does. The finn says "maybe you have to shake it" and so he shakes it. When nothing happens the norwegian says "no, you definitely ...

A Brit, a Scandinavian and an American all entered their village fete's giant vegetable show.

The swede won.

The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites...

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with....

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.


He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Jorn Nielsen's Laundry."


"Jorn Nielsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the ...

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The leader of China is growing restless so he tries to find a country that wants to fight his army, so he called Sweden...

The leader of china calls Obama and says: "Hey man, we havn't had a good fight in a while, how about we see who has the best army?"
To which Obama said: "Look pal, you know me, we never say no to a big show down but we have so much on our plate right now. The election, the syrian crysis, superbow...

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Two Swedish guys see a brothel...

Two Swedish guys see a brothel and decide to knock on the door. Bouncer opens the door and asks...

Bouncer: What do you want?
Swedes: We would like to have some sexy time with the ladies in your fine establishment if you don't mind.
B: How much money do you have?
S: We have 20 euros....

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Ceasefire broken!

Once upon a time Sweden and Norway was at war, The war was getting pretty bad for both sides so they decided to have a ceasefire.

At the front line there were 2 watchtowers, 1 on each side of the border and there was one Norwegian and one Swedish solider on watch out duty on each side of th...

Five swedish men in a pool

The swedes were swimming and suddenly a condom popped to the surface of the water.

Directly one of the mans asks: "who farted?"

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

Nationalities in hell

A man is being given a grand tour of hell. In huge cauldrons different nationalties- Frenchmen, Swedes, Russians, Brits, Italians, Czechs, Scots, etc.- are being boiled in oil, guarded by a cordon of fork-wiedling devils.
The visitor asks the guide: "Why has that cauldron been left unguarded?"...

What did the Scandinavian say at his Grandmothers funeral?

She was a Swede old lady but now shes Finnish

Three guys see a European man stretching across a lawn...

The First says: "That guy looks like Swede."

The Second says: "No no no, he is definitely Italian."

The Third says: "C'mon guys! He's definitely a SpanYard!"

I'll see myself out.

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