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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help th...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

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The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
...

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

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Two Italian man get on a bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

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"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two ass...

Why couldn’t the Italian get into his restaurant?

Because he had gnocchi.

What’s the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.

She’s never impressed with your meat/balls.

Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?

'Salami

What do you call an Italian spy?

An im-pasta.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome...

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies,...

An Italian, American and Frenchman get captured

First they interrogate the Frenchman, he reveals everything in 20 minutes

Next the American goes, and lasts up to an hour until he spills the beans.

Finally the Italian goes, and after a whole day of torture, still says nothing.

Back in the cell, the American and Frenchman ask t...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.

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First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he te...

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An 18 y/o Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying. The mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

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The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an ho...

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom?

European

What is the Italian man's, with short term amnesia, favourite dessert?

Affogato!

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An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

What do you call an Italian who likes dancing to EDM?

A raveioli.

Why do Italian men grow mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers.

Italian Altar Boy's Confession

An Italian altar boy goes to confession.

He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I do...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Why don’t Italians have BBQs?

The spaghetti falls through the grill

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A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back i...

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Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back
to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophi...

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English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub. Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the ...

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

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A French, Italian and an American were on a plane.

The three were flying above the pacific. The flight crashed on an island inhabited by cannibals.
The chief of the cannibals came to them and told them: " If you are able to stick 10 food items down your anus, we will not eat you.

The American started shoving frise. One... Two...
he reac...

What do you call a greedy Italian?

A penne pincher

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What do you call two Italians with a Japanese Father?

Mario and Luigi.

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

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Get it...?

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood ?

Spahgetto

What are Italian slums called?

Spaghettos

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy. They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out. The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join h...

What does an Italian genius say to a stinky person?

Eureka!



(I'll see myself out)

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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude...

Why did the Italian Homer Simpson buy his wife cheese?

Because it was Formaggio

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

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Italian dinner

Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Ma...

What’s the only difference between an Italian mom and a Jewish mom?

Jesus.

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A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to...

What did the Italian guy say, when he got covered with seasoning?

I've been a-salted!

You guys ever heard the one about the sculptor and his Italian friend?

There once was a sculptor who made beautiful pieces of work. His specialty was beautiful women. He'd toil away for hours on end, immortalizing the prettiest women in plaster and granite. But one day, he realized that his work was no longer in demand. Distraught, he called over his closest friend, an...

What do you call an Italian who fixes horse races?

A Rigatoni

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

An Italian person asks a pregnant woman for some pasta sauce...

Prego prego, do you have any Prego?

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[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

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American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most lovin...

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

What did the Italian volcano say to his girlfriend?

I lava you!

I like to chat with others while eating Italian food.

It helps to pasta time.

Where do the poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

Why did the Italian allergen dislike it's mother's sister?

Because it's auntie ista mean!

That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant...

... when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, th...

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.

Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation a...

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DirtyThere were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

Why don't Italian appetizers remember you?

'Cause they Foccacia!

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An elderly Italian man lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful ...

French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world

French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.

Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my...

My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

The Italian Poker Club

Six retired Italian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni ...

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

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An old Italian man goes to the doctor...

And he says: Doctor, I want you to take a look at my penis.

The doctor says: Sure, Pasquale. Go into the other room & remove your pants & I'll be there in a few minutes to check you out.

So Pasquale goes to the other room, takes off his pants & the doctor comes in, gets dow...

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

What was that Italian that you always can't remember?

Affogato

What did the Italian asparagus say to the man trying to kill him?

Asparagi

Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?

You need a toupee!

What do Italian girls drive?

They drive a-me crazy

A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.

The gentleman puts th...

German vs Italian

5 Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them, “It's a illegala to putta 5 People in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" Asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian Official.

...

An Italian man travels to the Caribbean

An Italian man saved up his money and after many years he finally had enough money to attain his lifelong dream, traveling to the tropics of Central America. He explored many different towns and beaches as he traveled around the beautiful land. But in one place he found a beach that was disgusting a...

How do you talk to dead Italians?

With a Luigi board

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A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT...

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and....

asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, ...

An Italian soldier wakes up in a hospital having been dragged out of the battle.

The doctor walks in and tells the soldier, "I'm sorry to inform you that both your arms and legs we're blown off in the heat of the fight".

The war hero starts to crying like a baby. The doctor peers round at his wife and asks, "do you think he'll be OK?"

She replies, "Would you be OK ...

What happened to the italian chef with cancer?

He pastaway.

After the war, an italian soldier is decorated for not giving informations to the enemy, while he was captured. When asked how did he managed, he said:

I had my hands tied.

What do you call an Italian moose on an incline

Moose-a-leani

Why shouldn't you get in a fight with an Italian baker? 🇮🇹

Because he'll beat the focaccia.

An American, Mexican & Italian

An American, a Mexican, and an Italian work together and have lunch together everyday.

One day as they sat down to eat the Mexican fella takes out his lunch and exclaims "Uggh a burrito again! She always packs a burrito, I'm sick of this!" he tosses it in the trash and leaves.

Next the...