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An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

What did the dyslexic man order at the Italian restaurant?

Tapas

If Italian food is made by Italians and Indian food by Indians,...

who is making Dog food?

What does an Italian barista say when they can't remember the letter between N and P?

Affogato.

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Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come togeth...

Have you ever heard of an italian vampire?

Neither have i #garlicPower

A Judge orders an Italian man to pay $10,000

Italian man: Why?

Judge: It's a fine.

Italian man: (quietly) It's a not...

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto

What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute.

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

Why was the Italian chef locked out of his house?

Because he had gnocchi.

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison.

The old man wrote a lette...

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

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Italian, Frenchman and a Redneck...

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah’ve fini...

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta

This year there’ll be no disco in ferno

What is an Italian suppository called?

Innuendo

An Italian, an American and a Spanish guy walk into a bar

Shouldn't have done that, now they all got corona

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

How do you say angry vehicle in Italian?

Madagascar.

WW1. Austro-Hungarian HQ. Italian snipers are decimating the imperial troops, and that needs to stop...

"Zis can't go on! Vat are the pasta eaters doing to kill zis many troop?"

"Apparently, Herr commander, zey discovered zat the most common name in our troops is Fritz. So the snipers call out "Fritz" und every time zome idiot pokes his head out to answer und gets shot."
"Vell th...

What did the Italian Dictator say to those dang Allies?

Get off Mi-Lan!

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Some Italian scholars orgasm quietly...

...summa cum laude.

A Spicy Italian

Right before they announced all the restaurants were closing I went to Subway 1 last time.
I placed my order, then the girl behind me proceeded to place hers.
She said, "I'd like a 6 foot Spicy Italian."
I turned to her and said, "Sorry ma'am -- I'm only 5 11"

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

Italians should lay off the penne and linguine for a while.

It's the obvious cause for why so many have pasta way.

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

The Italian government has imposed strict curfews.

Absolutely no Roman the streets.

What does an Italian dementia patient eat for dessert?

Affogato.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that just died?

He pasta away

Italians are always adding -a to words. (It's-a me, Mario!)

I find it to be a horrible corruption of the English language.

I say pizz and past, like a _real_ American.

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

I told my Italian housemate that "I'm not a materialist", he asked "is that a pronoun?",

I replied "no, it's more anti noun"

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

How to speak Italian

Credit to my 8 year old daughter.

"Hey, Dad. Want to hear me speak Italian?"

"Sure!"

*cough cough*

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

What does an Italian person do when they are unclean?

They take a ciao-er

My Italian friend works part-time as a chef and part-time as a comedian.

I'm sick of hearing his gnocchi gnocchi jokes.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?

It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, N...

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What do you call an Italian with a golden shower sex fetish and a long nose?

Peenocchio

What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

What does a woman get for letting an Italian man nut inside her?

Prego

I am half Chinese and half Italian.

So my parents called me Lin Guini

What is it called when two Italians fight?

An Italian beef.

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The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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Danish, French and Italian women ...

A Danish guy, a Frenchman and an Italian man got together in a bar in Berlin after attending the long and boring business conference. Their talk drifted to the subject of women, of course, with each man claiming that the women in their home country were the sexiest and most sensual.

"If we we...

Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way...

I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.

It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.

I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.

So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

What do you call an Italian strip club?

Spaghetti-hoes

An Italian, French, and Polish man are sentenced to death by guillotine...

The Italian is first and goes up to the executioner. The executioner drops the blade which stops an 16th of an inch from his neck. But he doesn’t flinch, so then the king says, “you’re a brave man go out and be with your people.” It is the French man’s turn now. The executioner drops the blade, but ...

Why did the Italians lose the war?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

I say "molto" frequently when speaking with my Italian neighbors.

It means ***a lot*** to them.

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become a pizza history.

What is an Italian frogs favourite food?

Ribbitoni.

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

A Greek, a Spaniard and an Italian go out for dinner. Who pays the bill?

The German.

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Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.


Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how was-a da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting was-a perfecto except-a for da train-a ride down.”

...

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

What do you call an Italian Mathmatician who lies

Fib o nacci

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

A French, Italian and American man meet in a cafeteria of a hotel in the morning

French man:

\- Last night was great. I made love to my wife 3 times, and when she woke up this morning, she told me I was the most wonderful husband

Italian man:

\- My last night was awesome. I made love to my wife 5 times, and this morning, she told me I was the greatest lover...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

And this joke has been reposted 19 times.

Three spies are taken captive by Germans

One Englishman, one Dutchman and one Italian. They are placed in a cell together after which they are then taken one by one to be interrogated and tortured for information.

First goes the Englishman, who returns three hours later, having been pushed too far by the torture and having given up...

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

How do you make an Italian shut up

You tie their hands

What do call an Italian guy with no arms?

A breadstick

I went to the nearest italian church and asked for the pastor,

They said "Sorry, we do not serve food here."

I don't know why they have to Italian, but ... (longish)

A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To wh...

What Italian dictator is either the strongest, or the fishiest?

Benito Muscle-ini or Benito Mussel-ini

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

I was at an Italian restaurant last Friday...

Me: "I'll just have the Paggione".
Waitress: "That says 'page one', sir."

Someday I'll open up a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant

I'll call it Pho-geddaboudit!

What do people from compton eat when they go out for italian night?

Spaghetto

What do you call an Italian window cleaner?

Squ-igi

The Iranians and Italians have jointly formed a university.

Ayatollah U

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

What did the Jedi eat after a big dinner at the Italian restaurant?

Only One Cannoli
(My 8 year old just told me this, and I laughed way too hard.)

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

"Ahah, look at those italians and their gesticulating, they are ridiculous."

"George, those folks are deaf."

Affair

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the ch...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

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