This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come toge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

Why do Italians love soccer?

Because half way through, they get to switch sides.

What do you call a dodgy Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto.

What does an Italian have if he’s born with one arm shorter than the other ?

A speech impediment.

"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"

said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.

"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."

"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."

Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help th...

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

An Italian, a Jamaican and a stormtrooper tried to make a meal for Gordon Ramsay.

It was a rasta blaster pasta disaster.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

he pasta- way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly Italian man

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Italian Math Test

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
...

An Italian, American and Frenchman get captured

First they interrogate the Frenchman, he reveals everything in 20 minutes

Next the American goes, and lasts up to an hour until he spills the beans.

Finally the Italian goes, and after a whole day of torture, still says nothing.

Back in the cell, the American and Frenchman ask t...

What is an Italian Terminators Catchphrase?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview at call center

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day."

The Frenc...

A king, a clown and a little red haired girl walk into an Italian restaurant.

Last thing they want is food poisoning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where did the Italians keep the Jews during WWII?

In the Spaghettos

What do Italians watch tv on?

A tagliatelle vision

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto



P.S- If this joke was made before, sorry. First post on r/Jokes, and I thought to post this after coming up with it this evening. Thanks.

An Italian tells a magical door, "Open!"

"Says who?" Asks the door. The man replies, "Open, says-a me!"

Why couldn’t the Italian get into his restaurant?

Because he had gnocchi.

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.

​

First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he te...

An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

What’s the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.

She’s never impressed with your meat/balls.

Do you know why so many Italian people are named Tony?

Years ago they were shipping a bunch of them into America and they stamped on their foreheads To:NY.

What do Italians eat for holloween?

Fettuccine Afraid-o

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?

'Salami

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back
to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophi...

What do you call an Italian who faked his PhD?

A copy pasta.

What is the Italian man's, with short term amnesia, favourite dessert?

Affogato!

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

What did Gozer the Destructor order for his gatekeeper minion at the Italian restaurant?

Pasta fo' Zuul!

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom?

European

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back i...

Italian Altar Boy's Confession

An Italian altar boy goes to confession.

He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I do...

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut!

​

Get it...?

Why don’t Italians have BBQs?

The spaghetti falls through the grill

Why do Italian men grow mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with me is like an Italian Opera.

For a while no one knows what the hell is going on, and it usually ends with a fat person yelling really loudly.

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call two Italians with a Japanese Father?

Mario and Luigi.

What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet?

Ciao belli

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub. Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the ...

What do you call a greedy Italian?

A penne pincher

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A French, Italian and an American were on a plane.

The three were flying above the pacific. The flight crashed on an island inhabited by cannibals.
The chief of the cannibals came to them and told them: " If you are able to stick 10 food items down your anus, we will not eat you.

The American started shoving frise. One... Two...
he reac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to...

What is the Italian NRA called?

Prosciutto.

What does an Italian genius say to a stinky person?

Eureka!



(I'll see myself out)

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

I ordered a foot long Italian on whole wheat at Subway but I got a six inch turkey on flatbread.

Wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Italian Dad Joke

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a-fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such ...

Why did the Italian Homer Simpson buy his wife cheese?

Because it was Formaggio

Why are Italians very good in bed?

Because they switch positions all the time!

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Italian dinner

Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Ma...

What’s the only difference between an Italian mom and a Jewish mom?

Jesus.

A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy. They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out. The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join h...

Where do the poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to...

I like to chat with others while eating Italian food.

It helps to pasta time.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

What did the Italian volcano say to his girlfriend?

I lava you!

What did the Italian guy say, when he got covered with seasoning?

I've been a-salted!

An Italian guy, English guy and a Polish guy ...

.... are applying for the same job and they are all sitting in the waiting room together.

Interviewer is a middle aged man, opens the door and calls the English guy. They sit down and the interviewer asks
-The job you are applying for requires powers of observations. Make an observation a...

You guys ever heard the one about the sculptor and his Italian friend?

There once was a sculptor who made beautiful pieces of work. His specialty was beautiful women. He'd toil away for hours on end, immortalizing the prettiest women in plaster and granite. But one day, he realized that his work was no longer in demand. Distraught, he called over his closest friend, an...

What do you call an Italian who fixes horse races?

A Rigatoni

French, Italian and Russian are talking about what are the best things in the world

French: Walking in Paris with my Jacqueline, dinner at the restaurant, candles, cheese, white wine, after which we go to my place and gently make love until morning.

Italian: Strolling through Venice with my Francesca, dinner at the restaurat, candles, pasta, red wine, after which we go to my...

What do you call an Italian Beggar?

Giovanni Change.

Why did the Italian allergen dislike it's mother's sister?

Because it's auntie ista mean!

That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most lovin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DirtyThere were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant...

... when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, th...

What do you call an Italian and African mosquito cross-breed?

Is a me! Malario!

The Italian Poker Club

Six retired Italian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni ...

Why don't Italian appetizers remember you?

'Cause they Foccacia!

My Italian girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man goes to the doctor...

And he says: Doctor, I want you to take a look at my penis.

The doctor says: Sure, Pasquale. Go into the other room & remove your pants & I'll be there in a few minutes to check you out.

So Pasquale goes to the other room, takes off his pants & the doctor comes in, gets dow...

Why did the Italian baker close shop?

Everything went a rye

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you f...