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Old Norse Joke

King Halfdan of Vestfold visits his subjects in Romerike and participates in their local assembly, the þing. When it is over, he pulls his sword and kills about half of the assemblymens.

King Halfdan then visits his subjects in Soleyar, participates in the þing, and again kills about half of...

Have you heard the Norse Christmas song?

Vahalalalalala

I hate when my friends always talk about Norse gods

Like bro it's Loki annoying

What math do Norse gods use?

Frigganometry.

Why did Loki, Norse God of Trickery and Mischief, turn into a train?

I asked around and, well, no one really understands his Loki-motives.

I’ve secretly converted to Norse paganism

shhhhhhh! I’m trying to keep it Loki.

I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods

Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

The guy who played "The Mountain" from Game of Thrones is 50% of a Norse god.

He's Hafthor.

What do you call the coming of age tale for a Norse God?

A Thor-igin story.

Also what I think Taika would've named the first movie if he had done it.

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

How did Vikings communicate over telegraph?

Norse Code

Norse God

I'm hosting a "Norse God" themed fancy dress party for a few close friends.
It'll be a low-key event.

The Norse gods are sleeping off an orgy...

The God of Thunder turns to the young woman next to him and says, “I am Thor!”

The gal looks up through sleepy eyes and replies, “You think you’re Thor! I’m tho Thor I can barely pith!

(Kinda an aural joke. If you could say it out loud it might work better.)

Who is the most laid back Norse God?

Loki

How does the Norse God of mischief like to celebrate his birthday?

He likes to keep it low-key

What goes bjork-bjork-bjork fjergen-fjergen-fjergen bjork-bjork-bjork?

Norse code

An archaeologist was preparing to take a flight to some ancient Norse ruins.

Right as he left his house, he was mugged.

His cab was stolen.

His girlfriend called and said that they should see other people.

On his way to the airport, there was a terrible accident that caused him to miss his flight.

When he made it to the airport, he was selected fo...

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Why don't Norse goddesses like anal sex?

Because they're Asgardians.

I'll just Loki walk away now.

What if Erik the Red had been Erik the Green?

Well... that would be a Norse of another colour.

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

Don't ask the Norse professor about his old subject...

It's a Thor subject.

And he still doesn't want to Friggen talk about it.

What do you call a serious of dots and dashes that Vikings used to communicate with?

Norse Code

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

Wednesday and Thursday were named after the Norse Gods Odin and Thor...

And if you really enjoy facts about Norse Gods then today is your Loki-day!

I saw a Norse god discreetly playing 49Hz notes on a piano in space...

I thought to myself: "What a low G low G low key low key Loki."

What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet?

DownlOdin.

What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet illegally?

Thorrenting.

What do you call a vain person from Norway?

A norse-cissist

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There’s been a rash of laryngitis sweeping through the Scandinavian equine circuit

Quick! Call the Hoarse Norse Horse Nurse!

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?

A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

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Ever have sex with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, sexy, bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

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Bartender

A traveler walks into a bar, asks for the local brew, and the bartender's name.
Bartender says "you must be new here..." And takes out a perfectly pristine glass, sounds it around his hand, and pours a perfect pint. He says "that... Is the perfect pint of beer. I've been pouring the perfect pint ...

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

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Graham and Donna met on Tinder.

Donna was a pretty woman with a lisp. Graham was actually the famous porn star Thor the Thunderbolt, so named because his mighty weapon was as long and as thick as the Norse god’s hammer.

Nature took its course, and the pair had a wonderful night of bliss. In the morning, Graham felt remors...

In olden days,

when the gods were wont to take on human form and tarry with mortals, the Norse god of thunder, he of the hammer Mjölnir, espied a comely young Norsewoman and betook him to her bed. Being a god, he was able to "bring her to Valhalla" seven times over the course of the evening.

In the morning,...

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It was a snowy Christmas Eve, many years ago, and Santa Claus was having a bad night.

The elves had been hard hit by a terrible sneezing virus. Many of the toys had to be cleaned off with sanitary wipes, and production was days behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus surprised Santa with some good news. "My mother is coming to visit, and she can stay the whole week!"

Mutterin...

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