"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

A husband walks into his wife and her friends sitting on the couch eating snacks

"bunch of fat cows" muttered the husband

"what was that" shouted his wife

"you herd" replied the husband

I like both sweet snacks and salty snacks

I’m bisnacksual

What is Amber Heards favourite snack

A Saltine

At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks

They didn’t know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!

(We work in Children’s mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)

What does the President call his favorite snacks?

Executive hors d’oeuvres

Courtesy of my seven year old:. What kind of trees can you find snacks in?

Pantries.

How big do computers like their snacks?

Byte sized

Bullets are like snacks

Always keep one for yourself and share with others

If we are not meant to have midnight snacks......

Why does the fridge have a light ?

I got a job as a regional distributor for Hostess snack cakes...

I got Ho-Hos in different area codes.

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

My dad refused to tell me what his favorite snack was

When ever I asked he said it was pop secret

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

What is a skeletons favorite snack?

Ribs.

My son wanted me to post this one too!

Happy Halloween!

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What’s a promiscuous Latina’s favorite snack?

Papi cock

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

What's the best snack for a voyage across the seas?

Ships and Sailsa

An Estonian visits russia

He departs from Tallinn, the journey goes as planned until, 2 hours and a half in, he realizes he needs petrol otherwise he won't get to russia, so he stops at a gas station near narva, and decides to get a snack and go to the bathroom. So before filling up his car he gets off, walks to the gas stat...

What is the Super Mario's favourite snack?

Banana-nana-nana

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack...

Cheese and quackers.

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

What is a Scottish snack that is gloated about?

Braggis

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs?

Appawtizer

China have announced their new rage of meat free snacks.

"Not Poodle"

Midnight Snack

An old man went downstairs one night to find his wife grabbing a midnight snack from the fridge.

Well one thing led to another and the couple started getting frisky. They closed the door to the fridge which left them in complete darkness.

The old man tells his wife to get on the tabl...

Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.

Did you hear about the guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?

He's on the registered Chex offender list now.

What's a Skelton favourite snack?

#**RRRRRIIIIBBBSSSSS**

What are the perfect snacks to bring to a coming out party?

Twinkies.

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

What's a straw man's favorite snack?

A red herring

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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Popcorn is the gayest snack...

Because you're eating busted nuts.

To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

V1. What do you call snacks with people you like?

Friend chips.

Open to edits and suggestions. My daughter helped with the crunchy part of the joke.

Apparently I wasn’t worthy of posting it to r/dadjokes because of my lack of commenting on other people’s posts to build up my street cred. Apparently up voting things isn’t enough.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his snack?

He was shellfish.

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

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What is a prostitutes favourite snack?

Chewing Cum.

What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite snack food?

Ding Dongs

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

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I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop porn.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

A couple go to prom.

The girl says, let’s get our photo taken. So they wait in the photo line and get their photo taken.

She says, go find us a table. So he waits in the line to get a table and gets a table.

While sitting, she says, get me a snack. So he goes to stand in the snack line and gets a snack. ...

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Why are companies who sell snacks sexist?

Cause they avoid trans fat

What is a foot fetishist's favorite snack?

Fritos.

What does the robot eat for a snack?

Computer chips

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”

“Nuts,” he replies.

“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”

The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

What did one lab rat say to the other?

*"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."*

What does batman like to snack on?

Just-ice

What do you call a really high ranking snack?

A popcorn colonel.

What do lawyers eat for a snack?

Trial mix

Why did the birds want a snack?

They were feeling a bit peckish.

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

What snack did the pirate bring to the Super Bowl party?

Chips Ahoy

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

Whats A Pirates Favourite Snack?

Booty

What is St. Paul's favorite snack?

Minneapples

Polar bear: Don't you just love these little igloo snacks...

Crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

What do Snack companies and Hiking Stores have in common?

They both sell you air.

What is Thanos' favourite vegetable to snack on?

Snap peas

What snack would Rihanna eat when she's high?

Baked Brieanna

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

What do you call the snack that reveals all the intel of the contents in your lunchbox?

Julian a sandwich

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So I tried following a recipe for a cheesecake from r/foodporn

The second last step was "Chill in the fridge for an hour".

I've got my beer and snacks but it's cold and fucking cramped in here.

What do you call a soviet brand snack

Dictato chips

A guy sits down at a bar alone having a drink, munching on the bar's bowl of pretzels.

All of a sudden he hears a little voice, "Looking good there, buddy."

Looking around he sees no one within earshot. So he just shrugs it off & goes back to his drink & snack.

A little while latter again he hears a little voice, "And you're a snappy dresser too."

Again lo...

I found a hair in my Snack Pack.

It was off-pudding.

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What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn.

The other is cop porn.

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

What is Darth Vader's favorite snack?

(Breathe heavy for effect)

"Coooo-Keees"

What is a web developer's favorite snack?

Cookies

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

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A little girl goes with her dad to the barber...

... and instead of sitting in the waiting area, she sits in the floor beside the barber chair where her daddy's getting his hair cut.

She has a small purse, and while waiting she pulls out a small snack cake and unwraps it.

The barber says to her, "Little girl, you're gonna get hair a...

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The Little Debbie company is trying to make a new snack

In a meeting room, several people are trying to make the new snack everyone will love

a guy who really likes chocolate: what if we made brownies with even more chocolate on them?

everyone couldn't seem to get behind the idea, so they kept trying to find a new idea

a dude who thi...

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

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A soldier, a Marine, and an airman are getting ready for bed one night.

The soldier opens his tent and sees a scorpion crawling on the floor. Unfazed, he crushes the scorpion, crawls into bed, and falls asleep.

The Marine opens his tent and he too finds a scorpion. He quickly draws his knife, removes the scorpion's stinger, and swallows it whole. Satisfied with h...

What's the difference between Trump and a cheeto?

One is fragile, orange and can't run a country. The other one is a tasty snack.

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

What's a calendar's favorite treat?

Dates!


(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

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