My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Can you out Pizza the Hut?

Yes, but only by Dominos effect

(Sorry for the horrendous pun)

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it all day but they don’t get to taste it.

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Did you hear about the new pickle pizza?

It’s made with a dill-dough

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

What do Mexicans use to cut there pizza?

Little Caesars.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep, and crisp, and even.

Terrible. But hadn’t seen this in a while. Thought I’d bring it back for 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a cheese pizza the most sexy?

It’s toppless

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop

He says “can you make me one with everything?”

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

Wood Fired Pizza.

How is Pizza supposed to find another job now?

You hear about the hipster that burned his mouth on his pizza?

He ate it before it was considered cool

Why do restaurants put pizza in square boxes?

Because they don't cut corners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went ba...

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should’ve used aloha temperature

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's good on a pizza but not on a pussy?


What kind of pizzas did Good King Wenceslas like?

Ones that were 'deep & crisp & even'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

The Dalai Lama walks in to a pizza shop

He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

He hands over $50, and the shopkeeper gives him his pizza, but no change.

"Where's my change?" asks the Dalai Lama

"Change comes from within"

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

How do you calculate the volume of a pizza with radius Z and height A?

Pi * Z * Z * A

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

What kind of person doesn't like Pizza?

A Weirdough !

I am a little ambivalent about pizza.

On the upside, it has some great toppings.

On the downside, it doesn’t.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What did the retired priest call his pizza shop?

Cheesus Crust

Do you want to hear a pizza joke?

I bet not, its too cheesy.

Have you heard of the new pizza outlet? It's called Pizza Mafia

They'll make you a pizza you can't refuse.

An Arabic man goes to visit his friend in Canada.

First they go out to lunch and the Arabic man orders “a Bebsi and a bizza”. His friend corrected him and said it was Pepsi and pizza.
The next day, they went to camp in the woods. The Arab goes to pee and comes running back.
“What happened?!” exclaimed his friend.
“I saw a pear!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are so fat...

...than when you watch porn, you cum when the guy delivers the pizza.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

I told my wife to make me a pizza.

Because goddamnit I don’t wanna be a human anymore.

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like pizza

I can't remember the last time I had pizza.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

What do a T-Rex, a thot, and my pizza have in common?

They’re all meat lovers

College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'?

"Sure" said the driver.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

Empower Palpatine wants to order some pizzas

A clone enquires: “How many pizzas should we order, my lord?”

“Order 66”

Why don’t we hear many jokes about pizza?

They’re too cheesy.

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference between pizza & pussy?

What’s the difference between pizza & pussy?

With pizza, you can eat the crust

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

If you can’t decide on what kind of pizza to get,

you’re indeSLICEsive.

What's the difference between two 10" pizzas and one 14" pizza?

One pi

Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before)

Where do math teachers go out to eat?

K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donating blood in high school for a slice of pizza

was the most crackhead shit ever

Anyone ever heard of emo pizza?

It’s the kind that cuts itself.

I'm saving a bunch of money on pizza delivery.

When the doorbell rings I answer it completely naked. So far, nobody's stayed long enough to take my tip.

Schrodinger's Pizza

You don't know until you get it whether its delivery, or Digiorno's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

How do you sell a gluten free pizza?

Take all the other pizzas out of the frozen section.

(too soon?)

There's only two things i run for

Pizza and my life.

anyway turns out the guy i ran into wasn't too happy about the extra large sausage I delivered to his wife.

How do you get an art major off your doorstep?

Pay for your pizza.

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza?

Little ceaser’s.

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

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