What the difference between Pizza and Musician?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

what is the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

Both are allowed to smell but neither of them is allowed to eat.

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Sex is like pizza

Even if it’s bad I still gotta pay for it.

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

r/atheism is like a pizza cutter

All edge with no point

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

How much did Walter White charge Skyler for the pizza?

Nothing. It was on the house

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

If you drop a piece of bread and Pizza from a roof, which of them will hit the ground first?

The pizza, because it is a fast food.

What's a dog's favorite kind if pizza?

Pupperoni

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

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What’s good on pizza and not on pussy

Crust

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What do you call a spicy pizza haunted by Japanese demons?

A pepper oni pizza

A pizza had a bad dream

It was a night marinara

Pizzas topped with German sausage..

.. Are the wurst.

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

What do you call pizza that's good for your teeth?

Stuffed-Crest pizza.

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

My sister goes to the pizza place

The pizza guy asks: "would you want me to cut your pizza in 4 or 12 pieces.

She said: Please only 4, I can't eat 12 pieces all alone.

wood fired pizza.

where will pizza get a job now?

The Dalai Lama enters a pizza shop

And asks: “ can you make me one with everything?”

Can you out Pizza the Hut?

Yes, but only by Dominos effect

(Sorry for the horrendous pun)

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

I ate 3.14 pizzas today, you know what I got?

I got fat!
What, did you expect a pi joke?

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

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Why does Zeus make terrible pizza?

Because he doesn’t know when to pull out...

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

You order one pizza and you love it

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What do Mexicans use to cut there pizza?

Little Caesars.

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.

A guy comes up to an Italian

and says, "you are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

So the Italian told him, "No, look. Not all southerners are gangsters."

But the guy kept insisting, he said, "No, no. You are a southerner. You are in the mafia"

The Italian tried to reason with him by telling him that they ...

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

Did you hear about the new pickle pizza?

It’s made with a dill-dough

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep, and crisp, and even.


Terrible. But hadn’t seen this in a while. Thought I’d bring it back for 2020.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

Logic.

Once you understand why the pizza is made round.

Packed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle...

Then you will understand Women.....

What is the most popular flavour of pizza in the hood during a drive-by?

Peppered homie

Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam’s CD.

It cuts like a knife

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

What kind of pizzas did Good King Wenceslas like?

Ones that were 'deep & crisp & even'

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

The Dalai Lama walks in to a pizza shop

He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

He hands over $50, and the shopkeeper gives him his pizza, but no change.

"Where's my change?" asks the Dalai Lama

"Change comes from within"

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

What do a T-Rex, a thot, and my pizza have in common?

They’re all meat lovers

How do you calculate the volume of a pizza with radius Z and height A?

Pi * Z * Z * A

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

What did the retired priest call his pizza shop?

Cheesus Crust

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

I told my wife to make me a pizza.

Because goddamnit I don’t wanna be a human anymore.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

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