What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

What's the difference between an artist and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family.

If pizza could talk what would it say?

Probably lots of cheesy things.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

Anyone ever heard of emo pizza?

It’s the kind that cuts itself.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other day..

I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

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Difference between pizza & pussy?

What’s the difference between pizza & pussy?


With pizza, you can eat the crust

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

What do a lap dance and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

You can smell it but you can’t eat it.

I tried to make a joke about pizza.

But it was too cheesy.

What's the difference between two 10" pizzas and one 14" pizza?

One pi

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

Wood fired pizza?

What a prick

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Wood fired pizza

How’s pizza gonna get a job now?

I am a little ambivalent about pizza.

On the upside, it has some great toppings.

On the downside, it doesn’t.

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

If you can’t decide on what kind of pizza to get,

you’re indeSLICEsive.

What did the pizza maker say before robbing a bank?

"I may love making pizza, but I still knead the dough."

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor...

He says, "Make me one with everything."

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza?

Little ceaser’s.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it's way too cheesy.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

How do you sell a gluten free pizza?

Take all the other pizzas out of the frozen section.

(too soon?)

If you have someone in your house with Coronavirus, feed them pizza and saucers of milk.

It’s the only stuff that you can push under the door.

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Sex is like pizza

If you are going to use barbecue sauce you better know what you are doing

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

Facism and Pizza have one thing in common...

Italy did it first, now they're the worst.

When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working

He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."

What is the best thing to put in a pizza?

Teeth.

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

Why did Jabba win the pizza contest?

Because no one outpizzas the Hutt.

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Pizza butt?

More like pizza hut ehheeh gotemm

Henry orders pizza

Henry orders a whole pizza

Waiter: How many pizza slices? 6 or 8 slices?

Henry: Just 6! I might not be able to finish 8 slices.

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

I'm like Domino's Pizza.

If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

What is Homer Simpson’s favorite part of a pizza?

The Doh.

I burnt 800 calories this morning

Forgot the pizza in the oven.

Why did the topping leave the pizza dough?

Because it was too kneady!

How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

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A man steps into a confessional...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned!

Speak my child, tell me your sins.

Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her.

Go on...

What kinda person doesn’t like pizza?

A weirdough.

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Pizza is a lot like sex.

When it’s good, it’s REALLY good.

But when it’s bad...

...well, it’s still pretty damn good.


(Sorry it’s old. Heard it a long time ago and haven’t seen it here)

Why don’t Macedonians like pizza?

Too much Greece.

What did Palpatine say to the intern when they asked how many pizzas they needed for his birthday party?

"Order 66!"

Why did the man go into the pizza business?

He wanted to make some dough.

What do you call it when pizza gives you the runs?

Pizzeria.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

Chicago style pizza changes you

I use to like New York style pizza

Till I tasted Chicago style pizza

Now, I love New York style pizza

Dad's ordering a pizza at 11:58 in 1 B.C

Jesus Christ you're a millenia late.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

Why did the boat made of dough, covered in mozarella and sauce not sail very well?

It was a pizza ship

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date. He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza. We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.” I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza ou...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Everytime a pizza man has come to the door they've noticed the smell of the last pizza man and thus I've had to kill them.

An unfortunate Domino effect.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

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Tits are like pizza...

...It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

The pizza was waiting in the stomach..

The pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.

Pizza thought, "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."

Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza lets him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped hi...

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

A man walks into a pizza shop and the guy behind the counter is the Dalai Lama...

...The guy, incredulous, says, “Your Holiness, you run a pizza shop?!”

The Dalai Lama replies, “Yes, I’ve always said that work is good for the spirit”.

The guy replies “I see,” then thinks for a moment and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”

God: "8" Angel: "9"

God:"We shouldn't do this drunk." Angel:"10 lol" God: "15" Angel *mouthful of pizza*: "25" Centipede *tearing up*: "Stop giving me legs, I look stupid!" God: "ONE HUNDRED" Angel: "LMAO"

Save me, Doc

A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed r...

I wish I were good at telling pizza jokes

But I always botch the DiGiorno

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

What's worse than finding a centipede in your pizza?

Finding half a centipede in your pizza

My local pizza place is struggling to stay afloat

They really knead the dough

I saw a sign that said "Wood Fired Pizza" and thought

Wood fired pizza? How's pizza gonna get a job now?

(Joke by CallMeCarson)

(Offensive) I used to work in a Pizza Shop

I had to quit though, because I was tired of smelling Jewish... on account of the ovens.

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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