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What's good on a pizza but not on a pussy?

Crust.

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

You hear about the hipster that burned his mouth on his pizza?

He ate it before it was considered cool

Wood Fired Pizza.

How is Pizza supposed to find another job now?

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

If pizza could talk what would it say?

Probably lots of cheesy things.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should’ve used aloha temperature

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop

He says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

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Locked in her basement

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.

One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"

So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.

Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went ba...

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

The Dalai Lama walks in to a pizza shop

He asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

He hands over $50, and the shopkeeper gives him his pizza, but no change.

"Where's my change?" asks the Dalai Lama

"Change comes from within"

A gynecologist is just like a pizza delivery guy

They both get to smell it but they can't eat it.

If a take and bake pizza can go wrong, it will.

Papa Murphy's law.

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

Did you hear about the new pickle pizza?

It’s made with a dill-dough

What do Greek people use to cut their pizzas?

Caesars

Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any Pizza

It's called a microwave.

What did the retired priest call his pizza shop?

Cheesus Crust

Why do restaurants put pizza in square boxes?

Because they don't cut corners.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

I told my wife to make me a pizza.

Because goddamnit I don’t wanna be a human anymore.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Do you want to hear a pizza joke?

I bet not, its too cheesy.

What does an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common

If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

How do you calculate the volume of a pizza with radius Z and height A?

Pi * Z * Z * A

Have you heard of the new pizza outlet? It's called Pizza Mafia

They'll make you a pizza you can't refuse.

Being a pizza delivery person and a comedian is hard work.

You have the right stuff, but sometimes you get the delivery wrong.

BTW, they fired me from my pizza delivery job.

What do a T-Rex, a thot, and my pizza have in common?

They’re all meat lovers

I am a little ambivalent about pizza.

On the upside, it has some great toppings.

On the downside, it doesn’t.

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone

I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

College student climbs into the back of an Uber and asks the driver "Do you have room up there for a pizza and a six pack'?

"Sure" said the driver.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

Why were the twin towers sad?

Because they ordered a pepperoni pizza but they only got plane.

How do you get the bass player to leave the party?

Pay him for the pizza.

If you can’t decide on what kind of pizza to get,

you’re indeSLICEsive.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

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Sex is like pizza

I can't remember the last time I had pizza.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

Why don’t we hear many jokes about pizza?

They’re too cheesy.

I'm saving a bunch of money on pizza delivery.

When the doorbell rings I answer it completely naked. So far, nobody's stayed long enough to take my tip.

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Difference between pizza & pussy?

What’s the difference between pizza & pussy?


With pizza, you can eat the crust

What's the difference between two 10" pizzas and one 14" pizza?

One pi

What is the best thing to put in a pizza?

Teeth.

What do Homer Simpson and pizza have in common?

Doh.

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Anyone ever heard of emo pizza?

It’s the kind that cuts itself.

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...

Schrodinger's Pizza

You don't know until you get it whether its delivery, or Digiorno's

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

What do you call it when someone spreads germs all over your pizza?

Little Sneezers

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

I used to go to church every week...

But then they stopped ordering pizza from us.

What is the best paying job in the world?

I don’t know, but pizza chefs sure make a lot of dough

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

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Sex is like pizza

If you are going to use barbecue sauce you better know what you are doing

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

What do you get if you cross 27 knives and a pizza?

Little ceaser’s.

How do you sell a gluten free pizza?

Take all the other pizzas out of the frozen section.

(too soon?)

A pizza died yesterday

Apparently it topped itself

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

Tia

Tia had a boyfriend, nicknamed Squirrel, who was slightly jealous type, and he would always worry about all the attractive and succesful men in her workplace seducing her. Once he decided to make sure nothing was going on there, so he dressed as a pizza boy and put a fake mustache on so nobody there...

Henry orders pizza

Henry orders a whole pizza

Waiter: How many pizza slices? 6 or 8 slices?

Henry: Just 6! I might not be able to finish 8 slices.

Why did the topping leave the pizza dough?

Because it was too kneady!

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

Facism and Pizza have one thing in common...

Italy did it first, now they're the worst.

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

When a physician was asked if his new diet of pizza and crepes for COVID-19 patients was working

He said, "I don't know, but that's the only food we can get under the door."

Why don’t Macedonians like pizza?

Too much Greece.

Why did Jabba win the pizza contest?

Because no one outpizzas the Hutt.

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