What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4...

A blonde orders a medium pizza

The cashier asks if she wants it cut into four or eight slices.

"Hmm... four. I don't think I can eat eight."

What does a McChicken, a whopper, a beefy 5-layer burrito, and an extra most bestest pizza have in common?

They've all seen me naked.

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Tits are like pizza...

...It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.

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What does a little cezars pizza and a pornstar have in common?

They are both hot and ready.

My dog just jumped on my pizza...

... guess it’s cheese and pupperoni now.

What pizza did the twin towers order?

Two plains

What business do mushrooms have on Pizza?

They fung-tion as a topping.

I burned 2,000 calories today...

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

What makes a good pizza joke?

It’s all in the delivery

What's the volume of a pizza with a radius of z and a thickness of a?

Pi * z * z * a

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.


What's the difference between a pizza and a hippie chick?

You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

Absolutely livid. I bought a Hawaiian pizza for lunch and I've just burned it.

Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.

What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

Both have to smell it, and neither one can eat it.

What do you call having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?


Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make their dough from mixers.

What is the difference between a freshly made pizza and a hungry jungle tiger?

One tastes delicious to you and you taste delicious to one.

There are 2 pizzas in the oven

The first pizza says " aaaaah, it's hot in here!"

The second pizza says " aaaaaaah, a talking pizza!!!"

I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza.


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PIZZA GUY: You’re total is $26.34

GIRL: I can’t afford that

PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way

GIRL : [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars


Sauce : Twitter

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Sex is like Pizza

When it's good it's great and when it's bad it's still alright.

r/darkjokes is like a pizza cutter

All edge and no point

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

What’s the most important part of telling a pizza joke?

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno

How is an ambulance like pizza delivery?

If they're late it ends up cold.
(Been at least a month since this one made the rounds).

What gyneacologists and pizza delivery guys have in common?

Both can sniff it,but cant taste it.

What do you say when a pizza un-makes itself?

I was going to say "It's no longer kneaded", but then I realized how cheesy this joke is.

Who is the patron saint of Pizza and Bread?

Jesus Crust

I had a joke about pizza, but...

The punch line was simply too unpredictable.

Gatti's Pizza has declared bankruptcy.

They're all out of dough!

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

What's an epileptic's least favorite pizza?

Lil seizures

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Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.


I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

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I never tip the cute pizza delivery drivers and always complain that they're rude, even when they're nice...

That way, I know I'm fucking them.

Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

I like my women like I like my pizza cheese

Greased up and extra thick.

What do you call a prostitute you pay with pizza?

A Donin-hoe

What did the buddhist monk said to the pizza vendor?

Make me one with everything.

I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.

My girlfriend told me she would love me to be a pizza delivery guy

I asked her why and she said she wants a guy that comes in 30 minutes instead of 5.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even

Nothing is better than infinite happiness; a pizza is better than nothing

Therefore a pizza is better than infinite happiness

What's the difference between a pizza box and a bladder?

You feel better when your bladder is empty.

I told the guy at the counter at Domino's that I wanted a pizza.

He said, "What would you like on top of that?"

I said, "Nothing, just the pizza."

A Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place...

He asks, "Can you make me one with everything?"

What's the difference between a person and a pizza?

Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.

Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza...

There's not mushroom

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

How does Thanos like his pizza?

perfectly balanced, as all pizzas should be.

I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to sell pizza on airplanes?

It was a pie in the sky idea

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

My friend who works as a pizza chef apparently gets paid well

He told me he's making dough.

Pizza for dinner

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook pass...

What’s the difference between a music major and 2 large pizzas?

The pizzas can feed a family.

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With little Caesars.

Credit goes to Burnie Burns who told this joke on a podcast.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

A pizza delivery boy is late on his delivery.

The woman at the door tells him he’s 5 minutes late and that she gets the pizza free. The pizza delivery boy asks her if there is any other way since the pizza will be taken out of his pay! She asks if he knows any jokes. He says he knows one about Sherlock homes. She asks him if he could tell it an...

What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza!

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!

Just made that up moments ago

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?


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Porn is really ruining our children...

My son used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer, now only wants to grow up to be a pizza man.

I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked "No pizza? No burgers?!"

He replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything!"

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

The pizza vendor fixes a pizza and hands it to the Dalai Lama, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Dalai La...

What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.

See you all in hell.

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I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told me he either wants to be a pizza delivery guy or a pool cleaner.

Little bastard must have found my porn stash.

What's Papa John's favorite pizza?

The White Supreme

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...