UPJOKE
cheeseitalypepperonitomatopizza hutdishmozzarellasteakbakerypastaburgersausagesoupsushiburrito

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

pizza jokes are tough…

Because it’s all about the delivery!!

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it but they can’t eat it

What did one angry pizza say to the other?

You want a piece of me?

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

What is the difference between an aspiring musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4.

I mixed up the Pizza Hut app and Grindr.

There is a 10” vegetarian with extra cheese on the way over and I’m not sure what to expect….

Going to a stripclub is like getting pizza from Papa Murphy's:

You go get it started by a professional, but have to take it home and finish it yourself.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

I realized today that pizza...

Is just a sandwich some Italian dude gave up on.

made a Hawaiian pizza for dinner and burnt it to a crisp

Should have cooked it aloha temperature..

You order one home delivered pizza because of the pandemic!

And you love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

Stay safe!

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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sex is like pizza

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman all have in common?

An idiot who didn’t take it out in time.

What size of pizza is the most spiritual?

A medium.

Best Pizza joke ever

No wait, It's too cheesy

Are you Pizza dough?

Cause i’d like to slam you on the table and spread you out.

A pizza got cheated on multiple times

Now it has crust issues.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Why was the pizza ringing?

It had some bell peppers on it.

what kinda pizza flies

plane pizza

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?

Pizza won't cut itself.

A Blonde went for a pizza.

Chef: would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8?

Blonde: 4 please.There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

How does Old King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep and Crisp and Even

rip_chef

Heard about the italian chef who died?

he pasta way, he could cannoli do so much and his legacy will be a pizza history

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

r/atheism is like a pizza cutter

All edge with no point

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

Two lawyers order late-night pizza

Two lawyers close out the night at the firm with a pizza. They note in the online order they’ll tip the delivery driver $50 if they bring it right up to them on the 24th floor

They’re on the 12th.

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

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It was my birthday…

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

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What do you call it when the pizza boy shows up while you’re fucking a prostitute?

Food for thot

How do you get an Art Major graduate off your porch ?

How do you get an Art Major graduate off your porch ?



Pay for the pizza.

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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A pizza walks by two pancakes

Pancake: " Look at that bitch with all that make-up!"

How much did Walter White charge Skyler for the pizza?

Nothing. It was on the house

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

What's a dog's favorite kind if pizza?

Pupperoni

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

A pizza had a bad dream

It was a night marinara

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Wendy…

Wendy who?

Wendy moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie

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So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

A wise man once said:

If you understand why pizza is made round, packed into a square box and eaten as a triangle

Then my friend, you’ll understand women.

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Parrot with no legs

A man goes to the pet shop to buy a parrot and see there’s 3 parrots, two for 200$ and the last for 20 bucks. The man ask the shopkeeper why he’s a lot cheaper. The shopkeeper replied that the parrot has no leg so it hold himself on the branch using his tiny penis. The man buys him out off pity.
...

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What’s good on pizza and not on pussy

Crust

What do you call pizza that's good for your teeth?

Stuffed-Crest pizza.

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A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

I just burned 1200 calories...

I left the pizza in the oven too long.

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

wood fired pizza.

where will pizza get a job now?

I ate 3.14 pizzas today, you know what I got?

I got fat!
What, did you expect a pi joke?

The Dalai Lama enters a pizza shop

And asks: “ can you make me one with everything?”

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

Can you out Pizza the Hut?

Yes, but only by Dominos effect

(Sorry for the horrendous pun)

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

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Why does Zeus make terrible pizza?

Because he doesn’t know when to pull out...

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

My sister goes to the pizza place

The pizza guy asks: "would you want me to cut your pizza in 4 or 12 pieces.

She said: Please only 4, I can't eat 12 pieces all alone.

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

I am banned from my church livestream

Apparently dunking a pizza crust into a full glass of wine and then chugging it is not acceptable for holy communion.

Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam’s CD.

It cuts like a knife

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

What do Mexicans use to cut there pizza?

Little Caesars.

Pizzas topped with German sausage..

.. Are the wurst.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

[Dumb] What do you call someone who cuts pizza with a machete?

Chasin Fourcheese

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Why is a cheese pizza the most sexy?

It’s toppless

I thought it was the new detergent my wife started using that’s shrinking all my clothes.

As always my wife is right. It was the new pizza place across the street.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep, and crisp, and even.


Terrible. But hadn’t seen this in a while. Thought I’d bring it back for 2020.

What is an epileptic's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

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