UPJOKE
cheeseitalypepperonitomatopizza hutdishmozzarellasteakbakerypastaburgersausagesoupsushiburrito

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

what's the difference between a large pizza and an American?

The pizza can feed a family of 4

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

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Sex is like pizza

Even if it’s bad I still gotta pay for it.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it, but not eat it.

What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

Telling jokes about pizza is hard.

It's all in the delivery.

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

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Tits are like pizza...

...It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.

What to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind it’s too cheesy.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

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What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?

Crust

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

Why does Walter White never pay for pizza?

It's always on the house.

Any pizza is a personal pizza.

You just have to try hard, and believe in yourself.

If you lose your pizza cutter, use a Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepperonly pizza!

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What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

What's a toddler with epilepsy's favorite pizza restaurant?

Little seizures.

See you all in hell.

What do you call a pizza place with crab employees?

A crust station

How do you make a kickass pizza?

You use Tae Kwon Dough

How dose good king wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

r/atheism is like a pizza cutter

All edge with no point

A local pizza chain just folded

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

What's Hillary's favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza?

He ate it before it was cool.

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

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What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...

I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

What's the only type of pizza you can order in North Korea?

The Supreme Pizza

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How is sex different from pizza?

You don't have to worry about getting arrested for having pizza in a public place.

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What is Doctor Strange’s favorite pizza?

Sorcerer’s Supreme

It’s cheesy, I know.

Pizza hut

Police were last night called out to an alleyway behind a local pizza hut. There they found the lifeless body of a man covered in onion, cheese, pineapple and peperami.

Police believe he topped himself

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

I realized today that pizza...

Is just a sandwich some Italian dude gave up on.

What does Pizza Hut and furries have in common?

They both have knots.

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

Did you hear about the guy that stopped a robbery at his favorite bargain pizza place?

He wanted to save some dough.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

A pizza got cheated on multiple times

Now it has crust issues.

Going to a stripclub is like getting pizza from Papa Murphy's:

You go get it started by a professional, but have to take it home and finish it yourself.

A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop

He says, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese.

She's the gratist.

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

What's the difference between a cop and a pizza guy?

The pizza guy faces consequences when his job is done wrong.

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

Are you Pizza dough?

Cause i’d like to slam you on the table and spread you out.

what kinda pizza flies

plane pizza

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

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