UPJOKE
cheeseitalypepperonitomatopizza hutdishmozzarellasteakbakerypastaburgersausagesoupsushiburrito

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

What did one angry pizza say to the other?

You want a piece of me?

What to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind it’s too cheesy.

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

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Sex is like pizza..

When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad... it's still pretty good.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

In Italian, the word pizza is feminine

That’s why ordering pizza is referred to as “eating out”

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

A local pizza chain just folded

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

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How is sex different from pizza?

You don't have to worry about getting arrested for having pizza in a public place.

Every overcooked a Hawaiian pizza?

Should have put it on aloha temperature

What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but they cannot eat it.

Last night I couldn't find the pizza cutter, so I used a Bryan Adam's CD.

It cuts like a knife.

who is the pizza savior?

Cheesus Crust

I worked at a restaurant that specializes in pizza, but I got fired for getting my finger caught in the dough roller...

...she got fired too.

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste!

What is Doctor Strange’s favorite pizza?

Sorcerer’s Supreme

It’s cheesy, I know.

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

Did you hear about the guy that stopped a robbery at his favorite bargain pizza place?

He wanted to save some dough.

I realized today that pizza...

Is just a sandwich some Italian dude gave up on.

what's a morticians wife and pizza have in common?

Cold leftovers

“Why was the pizza man so bad at telling jokes?

Because he always messed up the delivery.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Going to a stripclub is like getting pizza from Papa Murphy's:

You go get it started by a professional, but have to take it home and finish it yourself.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman all have in common?

An idiot who didn’t take it out in time.

What size of pizza is the most spiritual?

A medium.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks, 'Can you make me one with everything'?

What do anchovies, pineapples, and dominoes have in common?

They ruin pizza.

Hot Shot CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! Th...

A pizza got cheated on multiple times

Now it has crust issues.

r/atheism is like a pizza cutter

All edge with no point

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

Why was the pizza ringing?

It had some bell peppers on it.

Are you Pizza dough?

Cause i’d like to slam you on the table and spread you out.

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

I got a job at Chipotle by telling this joke during my interview.

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza with?

Little Ceasars.

A Blonde went for a pizza.

Chef: would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8?

Blonde: 4 please.There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

How does Old King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep and Crisp and Even

I just ordered a Chicago style pizza.

It started shooting as soon I opened the box.

What type of pizza did the twin towers order?

Plain

what kinda pizza flies

plane pizza

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

I made a shelter with pizza

I called it The Pizza Hut, or Pizza The Hut or Pizza Pizza. It fell apart like Dominoes. I built it anew. Pizza Nova!

Did you hear about the exorcist who went to Domino's?

Apparently the pizza dough had the Mark of The Yeast.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.

The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

How much did Walter White charge Skyler for the pizza?

Nothing. It was on the house

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital

They called him John Dough

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

Cinderella

Cinderella got her name from having to clean the cinders from the fireplace. If instead she had to make pizzas, would her name be Mozzerella?

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A pizza walks by two pancakes

Pancake: " Look at that bitch with all that make-up!"

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What do you call it when the pizza boy shows up while you’re fucking a prostitute?

Food for thot

What's a dog's favorite kind if pizza?

Pupperoni

I asked the bank for a loan to open a "pizza delivery by drone" business.

They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.

A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.

"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.

"Eight, please," replies the blonde.

When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight ...

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

A pizza had a bad dream

It was a night marinara

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

Logic.

Once you understand why the pizza is made round.

Packed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle...

Then you will understand Women.....

Why are Dubstep musicians so bad at making pizza?

Because they always drop the base!

wood fired pizza.

where will pizza get a job now?

Making a deep dish pizza is surprisingly super easy!

It's a pizza cake!

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What’s good on pizza and not on pussy

Crust

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

What do you call pizza that's good for your teeth?

Stuffed-Crest pizza.

1000 Pizzas

a guy walk into the pizzaria and ask: hello, do you have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him: nope. day after he come back to the pizzaria and says: hey do you guys have 1000 pizzas? the staff tell him. sorry no. 1 day after the staff makes 1000 pizza and the guy come and ask: hey. you guys have 1000 pi...

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

I ate 3.14 pizzas today, you know what I got?

I got fat!
What, did you expect a pi joke?

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It was my birthday…

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

The difference between a stupid person and a pizza

One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

I was eating pizza before pizza was cool.

I never seem to learn.

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Crunches

I told my girlfriend today I really needed to lose weight.

She said "You need to do crunches"

I said "I do that already! I crunch cookies, I crunch pizza. I'm about to crunch on some cheeseburgers."

Doesn't seem to be helping...

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

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