Bagel Jokes

Me: sorry, we only take cash

Manager: can I talk to you

a plane bagel

The pervert sees the hole

To get toasted

You put Lox on it..


RIP Paul Reubens.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

A pap schmear.

This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow... read more

Everything.

Credit due to a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

Plane

They like girls who have everything

A donut

I'm holier than you.

It's called 'Hole Foods'

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

Everything :)

"Pabst schmear"

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

It’s a real schmear campaign.

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w... read more

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

They don't always work.

Judo

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<... read more

They're both better toasted

I saw a bird today
It was eating a gluten free bagel
It must be a Millennial Falcon

He wanted to Winnebago.

He told them they needed proof

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu... read more

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a... read more

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

... a bird that flies over the bay?

A BAGEL!

Ba dum, tsss

Bagel Bites.

Because then it’d be a bagel.

They're one of the holeyest foods.

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She... read more

"It's purebred bagel."

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize ... read more