What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

Ever since I became a pilot, I can only eat one type of bagel.

Plain.

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

Why does a Seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bagel.

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

Why don’t seagulls fly over bays?

Because then they would be bagels!

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they'd be called bagels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for putting my penis in the bagel slicer

She got fired as well

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

What do you call a bagel with wings?

A plane bagel.

Why did the bagel go the bar?

To get toasted

What is a bagel's favorite kind of girl?

They like girls who have everything

A blonde walks into Starbucks

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Yo mamma so dumb

She thinks judo is what you make bagels with

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

What do you call a store that only sells pretzels, bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”

Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.

We wait.

And wait.
...

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews like bagels so much?

They finally get to toast something of their own.

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

What kind of bagel did the camper eat?

A winnebago.

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

Joke from my 7yr old son - If a bird that flies over the sea is a seagull, what is...

... a bird that flies over the bay?

A BAGEL!

Ba dum, tsss

Blonde

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize ...

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