Bagel Jokes - 61 Hilarious Bagel Jokes

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Why did the bagel go the bar?

To get toasted

Customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Me: sorry, we only take cash

Manager: can I talk to you

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

You put Lox on it..

RIP Paul Reubens.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

What do you call a bagel with cream cheese and paprika?

A pap schmear.

ever since COVID I haven't been able to get my favorite bagel.

This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

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I work in a deli and put my cock in the bagel slicer. I got fired...

... and so did she.

what do you call a bagel that can fly

a plane bagel

Bagel Magic Trick

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow...

The optimist sees the bagel

The pervert sees the hole

What do you deserve in life that is also a type of bagel?

Everything.

Credit due to a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

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What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

What do you call a bagel in fancy dress?

A donut

The bagel my wife gave me tasted very odd

She said it was quim cheese.

What did the bagel say to the pastor?

I'm holier than you.

What is a bagel's favorite kind of girl?

They like girls who have everything

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

How do flight attendants prefer their bagels?

Plane

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

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Why shouldn’t you mess with a bagel shop owner?

They know Jew dough

What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel?

Everything :)

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

I was thinking about starting my own bakery...

...making bundt cakes, crullers, donuts, and bagels.

I'm going to call it Hole Foods.

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

Why do we call birds flying over the sea seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels !!

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline:

They don't always work.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

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Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

An irregular bird

I saw a bird today
It was eating a gluten free bagel
It must be a Millennial Falcon

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

A blonde walks into Starbucks

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She...

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

Joke from my 7yr old son - If a bird that flies over the sea is a seagull, what is...

... a bird that flies over the bay?

A BAGEL!

Ba dum, tsss

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

Why doesn’t a seagull fly over the bay?

Because then it’d be a bagel.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

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I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

I baked a doglike bun for my girlfriend. She really wanted to know what kind of dog it was and if it had any fillings. I said:

"It's purebred bagel."

Blonde

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize ...

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