UPJOKE
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I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

ever since COVID I haven't been able to get my favorite bagel.

This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.

What does a ghost put on his bagel?

Scream cheese

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar.

“Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

*“Sorry. We don’t serve breakfast.”*

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

Bagel Magic Trick

THIS IS REAL MAGIC...An elderly fellow and his neighbor walk into a bakery.

The neighbor steals 3 bagels and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the elderly fellow, "That took great skill and guile to steal those bagels. The owner didn't even see me."

The elderly fellow...

The optimist sees the bagel

The pervert sees the hole

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

What’s a pilot’s favorite kind of bagel?

Plain

What do you deserve in life that is also a type of bagel?

Everything.

Credit due to a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

Why did the bagel go the bar?

To get toasted

The bagel my wife gave me tasted very odd

She said it was quim cheese.

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I work in a deli and put my cock in the bagel slicer. I got fired...

... and so did she.

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

How do you prevent someone from stealing your bagel?

You put lox on it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

What is a bagel's favorite kind of girl?

They like girls who have everything

What do you deserve and is also a type of bagel?

Everything :)

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Bialy and Bagel Factory

The health inspector goes to make his surprise visit to a bialy and bagel factory for it's annual inspection. There, he see a large, hairy shirtless man picking up bialy dough from a conveyor belt and pressing it into his man boob, living the bialy indentation and putting it back on the conveyor be...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

What do you call a bakery that only sells bagels and donuts?

Hole foods

Do you prefer your bagels toasted?

(Raises drink)........TO BAGELS!!!!!!

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

Analogies Are like bagels on a trampoline:

They don't always work.

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

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Two old men discuss their sex lives. (Long)

Mort and Saul meet every two weeks in the park and one day Mort says so, how's with you? Saul says Not so good, my sex life is not so good. What's wrong Mort asks. I haven't had sex in a long time Saul says. To which Mort says you should go see this hooker I know and ask for the bagel treatment. Wh...

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

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Why shouldn’t you mess with a bagel shop owner?

They know Jew dough

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

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Why do Jews like bagels so much?

They finally get to toast something of their own.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

A blonde walks into a library

The blonde walks up to the librarian's desk and says loudly, "I'll have a coffee and a bagel".

Everyone frowns along with the librarian and the librarian quietly replies, "This is a library!!".

The blonde replies with a whisper, "I would like a coffee and a bagel!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

An irregular bird

I saw a bird today
It was eating a gluten free bagel
It must be a Millennial Falcon

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”

Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.

We wait.

And wait.
...

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

Why doesn’t a seagull fly over the bay?

Because then it’d be a bagel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

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