Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

What do you call a bagel with wings?

A plane bagel.

Why did the bagel go the bar?

To get toasted

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

What is a bagel's favorite kind of girl?

They like girls who have everything

Doctor: “the test results came back...”

“...and you’ve tested positive for opiates...”

Patient: “I ate a bagel this morning.”

Doctor: “...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you’re pregnant.”

Patient: “it was an everything bagel.”

What kind of bagel can fly?

Plain Bagel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

What do you call a store that only sells pretzels, bagels and donuts?

Hole Foods.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't think this one has been posted here

Was told this one by my dad and it's one of the only good jokes he's ever said so I had to share it
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A man is the head of a popular bakery in New York. The most popular thing they sell is their bagels, but the main bagel chef is out ...

What’s a Jumbo Jet’s favorite kind of bagel?

Plane.

Why can't blueberry bagels fly?

Because, then they would be plane bagels.

What do bagels and holiday parties have in common?

They're both better toasted

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

What's Mario's favorite bagel flavor?

Ses-a-ME! Mario!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I work in a deli and put my cock in the bagel slicer. I got fired...

... and so did she.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of bagel can fly?

None of them. They're bagels, not birds. Ya fuckin donut.

Why don't seagulls ever fly over the bay?

Because then they'd be bagels.

Why did the guy with Down's Syndrome enter an RV contest at a bagel shop?

He wanted to Winnebago.

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas...

Two bagels are out flying.

All of the sudden one of them plummets to the ground. Why?



Because bagels can't fly!

The same day two cows are also out flying and chatting and out of nowhere one of them also plunge down towards the ground. Why?


A bagel hit him in the eye!

As a Jew, I love bagels...

They're one of the holeyest foods.

Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread

"Pabst schmear"

"Dad, how did you come up with my brother's name, 'Legab'?"

"Is it a variation of 'Gabriel' or something?"

"Ah... no sweetie. As you know, your Mom loves bagels so we decided to play with that word".

"Oh... ok. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, Lana".

I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.

He said it was a real pain in the neck.

A blonde walks into Starbucks

A blonde walks into Starbucks one morning and orders a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. She receives her breakfast sandwich from the Barista, finds a table and sits down to eat. While she's eating her breakfast she notices that there is a peel and win game piece on the side of her coffee cup. She...

What kind of bagel did the camper eat?

A winnebago.

My all-time favorite joke: The Forgetful Couple

An elderly couple are sitting in the living room, and the old man gets up, and says "I'm going to the store to get myself a soda, do you want anything?"

His wife says "I'd like an ice cream sundae. Here, I'll write it down for you so you don't forget--"

"I'm not going to forget," he w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

Yo mamma so dumb

She thinks judo is what you make bagels with

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle converted to Christianity

My uncles and I were out one day getting our bagels and gefilte fish and we noticed the placard. “$1,000 to convert!”

Well, being the shrewd mensches we are we decide one of us should go ahead and check. Uncle Hersch draws the short straw so he goes in.

We wait.

And wait.
...

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: hey thanks!

Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!

Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?

Cashier: it is

Bagel: you have beautiful eyes

If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

Joke from my 7yr old son - If a bird that flies over the sea is a seagull, what is...

... a bird that flies over the bay?

A BAGEL!

Ba dum, tsss

Blonde

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize ...

Oh, jokes from 7 year-olds are cool now? From my son last night: "Why do sea gulls fly over the sea?"

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls ("like bagels, get it Dad?").

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would no...

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

Stupid Q & A Jokes

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!


Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"


Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.


Q. How do crazy people go...

Sundae

An elderly couple is sitting in their living room, when the Mrs gets an idea.

"Honey," she exclaimed, "Would you mind going out and picking me up an ice cream sundae?"

"Sure," He says, "I've got nothing else better to do."

"But I want a special sundae, would you like me to write...