The 125+ Best Bread Jokes

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

What’s an Indian chef’s favorite bread?

That’s naan of your concern.

I stopped my wife from waiving down our server at the Indian restaurant when they forgot the bread...

We got rice dishes so it was a naan-issue.

I went to the shop today and picked up a loaf of bread, a pint of milk and a newspaper, I went to pay and said “I’m sorry but I only have a £50 note”.

She said “ok well you’ll have to just put one of them back then”.

Difference between pregnant woman and burnt bread?

None. In both cases it was pulled out too late.

What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience?

You only pay for what you knead.

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

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The truth about Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your ene...

What you call an Indian family that makes bread the traditional way?

>!Naan conformists.!<

What did one German bread say to the other?

Gluten Tag

what's Homer Simpsons favorite kind of bread?

Sour doh!

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

What's the difference between my wife and a loaf of bread?

I never eat the end of a loaf of bread.

If two loaves of bread are lovers, and one stays outside too long, what do you call it?

A stalemate.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

Take EVERYTHING you know about bread and throw it out the window. Okay...Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.

Bread!

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

why are some people ambivalent about eating sourdough bread?

It's their yeast favorite

How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation?

“I’m in bread.”

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Years ago you could enter a grocery store with 25 dollars

and walk out with several kilos of fruits, a loaf of bread meat, cheese, milk and much more.

Nowadays, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

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Sex is like garlic bread

Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

A lady goes into a store, and asks "You're probably out of eggs, right?"

The cashier says, "Sorry- we're the store that's out of bread. The store with no eggs is across the street..."

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

Why don't they make pickles and bread in the same room?

Because you'd end up making a dil-dough

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

Bread is like Sun

rises in yeast and sets in waist

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of cakes. I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads...

The topic was a naan-starter.

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There was a guy who had penis enlargement surgery.

His penis was so small that he went to speak to a doctor about it. “The doctor said, the vets have an old baby elephant trunco we would use for you? “ “ yes doctor, that’s amazing !” After a couple months he goes on a date and it’s going well until his trunk comes out his pants, and steals a brea...

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

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Peanut butter and jelly don't love each other...

but I always find them in bread together.

Don’t get into any fights with Italian bread.

It will kick the focaccia.

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

What did the duck shout in the church?

Get to the daily bread!

Yo mama so poor…

… that ducks throw bread at her.

What do you get when you divide bread by zero?

NaaN

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

Why was the bread acting clingy?

Because it kneaded attention

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", then he pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

I like my men the way I like my bread

In the freezer and wrapped in shrink wrap for further use

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

How do the French get bread home?

They baguette

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

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Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

The baker’s new puppy cost a lot of dough.

He was a pure bread.

The guys at the Delhi Deli pressured me into having a BLT on Indian bread instead of rye.

Now I like such a naan conformist.

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread….

The birds were all over me

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

I used to know this girl that went to a church where they ate Smuckers instead of the bread and wine of Jesus.

She was an evanjellycal Christian.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I went to the local Indian restaurant because my kids wanted garlic bread

They had naan

A man walks into a bakery

and orders 99 loaves of bread. Dumbfounded the baker asks:"Why don't you just buy 100?", to which the man replies: Who could eat that many loaves of bread?

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.

Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.

One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to...

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.

Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

How do you make French bread?

With Eiffel flour.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

Then I realized it said "Thick Cut."

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

So my buddy told me that India was going to start making single rupees out of bread

I told him that sounds like naan cents

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

What do you call a small bread that is moving rhythmically to music?

Abundance

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.

It's a naan disclosure agreement.

What does bread do when it gets cheated on?

It ryes inside

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free?

They check the Gluten Tag

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?

They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

What do you call violence inflicted upon flat breads?

*Naan* violence.

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

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