What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

What do you call bread that’s into BDSM

Gluten for punishment

A 5 year old I teach asked me if there is a similarity between bread and Sun

and then proceeded to tell me that both rises in yeast and sets in the waist.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

How do the French get bread home?

They baguette

I used to know this girl that went to a church where they ate Smuckers instead of the bread and wine of Jesus.

She was an evanjellycal Christian.

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

What's a pigs favorite type of bread?

*Wheat wheat wheat wheat wheat . . .*

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

Why are chefs so clingy about bread?

Because they knead them.

What’s a Jawa’s favorite kind of bread?

ZUCHINI!!!

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

How do you make dill bread?

With dill dough.

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

How do you make French bread?

With Eiffel flour.

I went to the local Indian restaurant because my kids wanted garlic bread

They had naan

Italian Bread

Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

Then I realized it said "Thick Cut."

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

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What do you call a dildo made of bread?

A dildough

A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.

Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.

One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to...

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

If you drop a piece of bread and Pizza from a roof, which of them will hit the ground first?

The pizza, because it is a fast food.

If you fall in a pile of french bread, will you die?

No, but you will be in a lot of "pain"

I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...

So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."

I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"

He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.

It's a naan disclosure agreement.

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

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What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread

What does bread do when it gets cheated on?

It ryes inside

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

My dad told me he doesn’t like banana bread.

Said it doesn’t a-peel to him.

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

So my buddy told me that India was going to start making single rupees out of bread

I told him that sounds like naan cents

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman

“Have you got any bread”

Barman: “no sorry”

Duck: “have you got any bread”
Barman: “no”
Duck: ”have you got any bread”


Barman: “look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck: “got any nails?”

Barman: “no”
<...

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The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests.

He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an i...

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

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Cinderella Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day had arrived. This particular family had fallen on hard times and had no hope for better. For their Thanksgiving dinner all they had was a slice of bread each and a small glass of tea. But they had each other, even if they were hungry. Suddenly in a poof of smoke a small , chubby li...

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

My husband’s favorite joke

Loosely translated from Italian


An old man walks into a bakery and asks for 5kg of bread.

The lady behind the counter says “sir, but it will get hard!”

The old man replies: “really? Then give me 10kg!”

Why did the baker bake more bread?

Because he was needing dough.

What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?

T'Challah

What’s another name for pickled bread?

Dill dough

How do you call a bread-shooting gun?

Carbine

How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free?

They check the Gluten Tag

What do you call a small bread that is moving rhythmically to music?

Abundance

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

A woman asks her Aspie husband to go to the grocery store.

She says “buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.”

An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. “They had avocados.” he explains.

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind men's bones to make their bread.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

Sandwiches

The Earl of Sandwich: Take a look at my new invention!
The Duke of Openface: Seems like an awful lot of bread.

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?

They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

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A shit joke y’all probably heard

Why do bucks not eat bread cause it’s

Made of doe

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Ladies call me Little Caesars

Because I got hella bread and low quality meat

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

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What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do?

JEW DOUGH!!

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

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A man goes to a brothel, but all the prostitutes are busy

The manager tells him that all the women are at work right now, and all the men too. The only one not taken is Kolobok, a spherical piece of bread.

The man accepts, pays and takes Kolobok to a room. He holds it and turns it around and mutters to himself: "how do I fuck this, how do I fuck thi...

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

A guy takes his snake...

A guy goes to a restaurant with his pet snake. He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.
The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."
The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes late...

The magic slide.

Three men lined up to take turns on a magic slide. Whoever went down the slide would receive whatever they yelled out once they reached the bottom.

The first man climbed up the slide and came down yelling "GOLD!" And landed on a pile of golden coins. He'd never been richer in his life. The s...

A communist, a nationalist, and a Ba'athist are on a plane... | A popular Syrian joke

**Disclaimer**: The Ba'ath Party (tr. *revival party)* is the murderous ruling party of Syria (and at one point, Iraq as well), famous for their torture, human rights violations, and surveillance of Syrians.

On a flight somewhere in the Middle East, the pilot declares that the plane is overlo...

This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China.

It's called mass production.

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

Three men in a desert...

One is carrying a loaf of bread, one has a bottle of wine, and one has a car door. the first man comes upon a magic rock that says "if you answer my question to my satisfaction, I will let you pass!" man #1 says ok. "why do you carry that loaf of bread in the desert?"asked the rock. "well" said man1...

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

My wife was annoyed that I forgot to get bread at the Indian grocery store

I'm not sure what she's so mad about. I see this as a naan-issue.

I can't take my dog to the park anymore..

Every time we show up, all of the ducks try to eat him... I guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog..

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

A man was enjoying an evening stroll on the beach...

...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby...

Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

Butcher shop

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the yea...

Why can’t you prosecute unleavened bread?

Because there’s no proof

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

They say,”Hey, can I get something?”

The bartender responds with,”No, sorry. You may not be served.”

“Why?”The bread asks.

“Because we do not serve food.”

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A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt...

I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

Why shouldn't subs go underwater?

Because the bread gets soggy

I braided a rope today. It looks like challah bread.

But it's knot.

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection

A ginger bread house

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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