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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

What happened to the Indian bread when it left the country?

It became a Naan Residential Indian.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

i have killed 123 zombies 346 skeletons and i have bread over 1000 villagers.

i also play minecraft every now and then

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

I was soliciting bread for local restaurants, when one owner yelled at me.

He told me to quit loafin’ around.

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One day jam broke up with bread and what did she say

She said u deserve "butter"

What do cops and simple artisan bread have in common?

Not kneaded

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

I made bread last night,

and I have been loafing around ever since.

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

What's a Jawa's favorite type of bread?

ZUCCHINI!

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

An Indian bakery was handing out bread to help relieve people affected by corona

I’m pretty sure they were naan profit

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

What was Nicholas the second's favorite bread?

A Tsardough.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Bread is a lot like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

What do you call a piece of bread that never gives you up?

A Rick Roll.

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I'd come home with 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, 1/2 a pound of cheese, pack of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.



Too many security cameras

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

What did Mr.T say to the bread?

I "pita" the fool!

What kind of bread always needs reminding?

Focaccia!

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower?

A Baguetti

Why does the french hate bread ?

because it's pain to them.

The inventor of sliced bread

Is likely the one that cut the cheese.

What a Jewish rappers favorite bread?

Challah!

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party

would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah?

There was no bread at the grocery store,

so I bought a couple bags of bread crumbs and now have a weekend project.

OC

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread

I’m black toast intolerant

What do you use to make pickled bread?

Dill dough.

What’s another name for bread?

Wheatloaf.

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

In my school-play I was assigned to play a piece of bread.

It was a great roll.

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

Bread puns happened when you

Yeast expect them

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

What do you call a joke in between two slides of bread?

What do you call a joke in between two slices of bread?

Cheesy

My friend came up with this, and to my knowledge it isn't anywhere else on the internet. Its very cringey but i digress

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

What does sentient bread use to remember things?

Toast-It Notes.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

How do you say hello to a German who likes bread?

Gluten Tag!

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

Why can't I take pickle-flavored breads to the church picnic?

Because it's made from dill doughs!

Did you hear of the Indians who threw bread at each other to resolve conflicts?

They had a naan aggression pact.

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

Hey, Jude what kind of bread would you like with your curry?

Naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

Man does not live by bread alone....

... but if he has no bread, he'll be alone.

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I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.

She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

What's a new mom's favorite bread?

Pumpanipple!!

I thought of that joke last night. I was very proud of it.

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

Everyone knows Communists make the best bread

Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper...

Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."

Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

Girls always say boys don't know what pain is

Of course we know what it is, its French bread!

Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?

He was a gluten for punishment.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

Females call me Little Ceasar

Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

Drunks

Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before
the devil knows you're dead!"

Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"

Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."

Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

Drunk guy: "Huh?"

Drunk girl: "That's

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

Affair

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the ch...

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

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A tale of 3 Jews

3 Jews are in a Concentration camp.

The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high kan you jump"? "1 meter", says the first jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second jew that same question. "i can jump 2 meters high". "Not bad" says the officer and gives him wine and ...

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I don't understand why a sandwich is more expensive the more ingredients there are.

Shouldn't pure bread be more expensive?

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

What does bread and kids have in common ?

Don't make em on a weak Ikea kitchen table.

I can never remember those long thin sticks of French bread

I'm so baguetteful

Why is it hard to become famous for finding Indian bread?

eventually somebody will call this ability Naan sense.

They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread!

It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

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