My friend is a bread addict

He kneads the dough

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

What is a bread factory called if it gets burnt down?

A toast factory :)

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

The store was all out of bread

so I kneaded to make my own.

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

My bread is up in the sky but, I'll have it again!

What crumbs up, must crumb down.

What do you get when Black Panther brings Jewish bread to Thor's party?

T'Challa challah at the Valhalla gala.

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

I can never remember those long thin sticks of French bread

I'm so baguetteful

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I accidentally cooked my bread.

I guess it’s toast now.

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

How do you greet German bread?

Gluten tag

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

They were out of bread at the Indian restaurant I was at

The waiter said it was a naan issue.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

What is a Pokémon’s favorite type of bread?

Dark Rye

bread like fruitcakes, uneaten.

Onboard a naval ship, the sailors were turning in their food trays with everything eaten but the bread. This upset the mess officer who had baked the bread. When he asked if there was something wrong with the bread, some sailors said it was too hard. The officer would have none of that.

“If C...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Life is like a loaf of bread

Because life is pain

What do you made pickle bread out of?

Dill dough

arán is Irish for bread

It's gaelic bread

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread!

It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

*raises piece of bread*

“I’d like to make a toast...”

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

**ME:** Yeah, he's interbred

**DUCK: [waddles up]** I'll tell you who else is into bread.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

A man was at a supermarket buying bread.

The cashier asked him if he wanted a bag. He said 'yes please, baguette'.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What plays Fortnite and is poured with bread?

Extra-virgin olive oil.

My friend came up to me after making the world's largest bread

He said to me "Hey, thanks for helping out with this"

I responded "No problem, it was the yeast I could do"

What do you have in common with bread dough?

If you get baked you're more likely to loaf around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

A young man went in to a restaurant and ordered a standard eggs, bacon, toast and coffee breakfast. The server told him they were out of bread, would he like a biscuit...

So he got the biscuit instead. After eating, he headed home, but started to feel bad. His stomach was cramping and he was gassy. Why?


He was Lack Toast Intolerant!


You've been Dad joked on Father's day! Happy father's day fellow dad's!

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

What's the name of the restaurant You went to yesterday where they had very good Indian bread?

That's naan of your business!

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

A piece of bread walks in to a bar, he asks for a sandwich, the bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why did the loaf of bread go to the doctor?

Why did the loaf of bread go to the doctor?

It had a yeast infection




(I hope I didn't steal this and not know/remember)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread?

Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

My coworker asked if I liked bread

Honestly, it’s my yeast favourite thing.

Goodbye Ginger Bread Man,

long live the Ginger Inbred Boy

What is Doctor Who's favourite bread?

Dalek Bread

What is the hidden truth behind the namesake of Naan bread?

Its all for me and naan for you!

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

Why was the flour so lumpy?

Because it was in-bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

Jesus and the Apostles are dining at the Last Supper

Jesus grabs a glass of wine and drinks from it.

"Drink this, for this is my blood", he says.

Jesus breaks bread and eats it.

"Eat this, for this is my body", he says.

Jesus grabs a jar of mayo.

"I'm going to stop you right there", Judas says.

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

A man goes and runs to his boss

He says "i have just invented some new cutting edge technology today!"

His boss says "well, what is it?"

The man takes a peice of bread and cuts off it's edges with a knife he made

A bread pun

Sorry, it's gone stale

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...



I will leave now

I saw a baguette at the zoo today

It said bread in captivity

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

Who is the patron saint of Pizza and Bread?

Jesus Crust

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

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