UPJOKE
doughflourtoastsandwichyeastmatzosourdoughbakingloafrye breadwheatsugartortillabrown breadfood

What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

What did one German bread say to the other?

Gluten Tag

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

Take EVERYTHING you know about bread and throw it out the window. Okay...Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.

Bread!

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

Don’t get into any fights with Italian bread.

It will kick the focaccia.

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

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Sex is like garlic bread

Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.

Why don't they make pickles and bread in the same room?

Because you'd end up making a dil-dough

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

What do the sun and bread have in common?

They both rise in the yeast.

Bread is like Sun

rises in yeast and sets in waist

I asked my local baker the secret to making two loaves of bread at once...

He said "It's a knead two dough basis..."

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads...

The topic was a naan-starter.

What do you call bread that’s into BDSM

Gluten for punishment

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

What do you get when you divide bread by zero?

NaaN

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

I like my men the way I like my bread

In the freezer and wrapped in shrink wrap for further use

Why is French toast called lost bread in French ?

Because English stole it

Why was the bread acting clingy?

Because it kneaded attention

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

How do the French get bread home?

They baguette

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", then he pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

What's a pigs favorite type of bread?

*Wheat wheat wheat wheat wheat . . .*

The guys at the Delhi Deli pressured me into having a BLT on Indian bread instead of rye.

Now I like such a naan conformist.

What’s a Jawa’s favorite kind of bread?

ZUCHINI!!!

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread….

The birds were all over me

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

I used to know this girl that went to a church where they ate Smuckers instead of the bread and wine of Jesus.

She was an evanjellycal Christian.

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

Italian Bread

Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

If an Indian restaurant runs out of bread, is it a problem?

Or just a naan-issue

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

I went to the local Indian restaurant because my kids wanted garlic bread

They had naan

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

How do you make French bread?

With Eiffel flour.

Xavier the Saviour

Back when I was a kid, I was part of a youth group at my local catholic church. There, I got to know the most well-revered and eccentric man in the entire community, Father Xavier.


He was never one for formalities, so he insisted everyone in his youth group call him by whatever endearing ...

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

Then I realized it said "Thick Cut."

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.

Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.

One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to...

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

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my grandpa tells us about his good old days in Hong Kong

He said, "when I was your age, I can go into the groceries with 10 dollars, and come out with 2 loaves of bread, 2 dozen of eggs, 2 kilos of potatoes, maybe a few cans of soda, plus handful of candies and probably some beef jerky."

We were like, "omg!!! That's a lot!! 10 dollars now can only ...

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

Why did the baker throw out his bread machine?

There was no knead for it.

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.

It's a naan disclosure agreement.

What does bread do when it gets cheated on?

It ryes inside

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

What do you call violence inflicted upon flat breads?

*Naan* violence.

So my buddy told me that India was going to start making single rupees out of bread

I told him that sounds like naan cents

If you fall in a pile of french bread, will you die?

No, but you will be in a lot of "pain"

What do you call a small bread that is moving rhythmically to music?

Abundance

WW2 veteran walks into a store

There is a grocery shop in France after WW2, and they are giving out free bread and drinks to veterans. The cashier is finishing up his shift at the store when a man walks in and asks for the free bread and drink, the cashier gives the items and wishes him the best as he leaves the store with his it...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

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How are women like peanut butter

They spread for the bread

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

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A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

What do you call bread that doesn’t identify as male or female?

Naan-binary.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

My dad told me he doesn’t like banana bread.

Said it doesn’t a-peel to him.

How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free?

They check the Gluten Tag

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

To them, bread is pain

Credit to my girlfriend

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Why did the baker bake more bread?

Because he was needing dough.

Did you hear about the two loaves of bread that fell in love?

They decided to raise some dough, put a bun in the oven, and grow mold together.

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

at work yesterday

My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.

What’s another name for pickled bread?

Dill dough

What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?

T'Challah

How do you call a bread-shooting gun?

Carbine

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

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What kind of Marshall Arts does Challah Bread do?

JEW DOUGH!!

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

They say,”Hey, can I get something?”

The bartender responds with,”No, sorry. You may not be served.”

“Why?”The bread asks.

“Because we do not serve food.”

Why can’t you prosecute unleavened bread?

Because there’s no proof

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