The store was all out of bread

so I kneaded to make my own.

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

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There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

My friend is a bread addict

He kneads the dough

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

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My girlfriend asked me what I was good at cooking, I said toast

Cause it’s my bread and butter

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye

A man goes and runs to his boss

He says "i have just invented some new cutting edge technology today!"

His boss says "well, what is it?"

The man takes a peice of bread and cuts off it's edges with a knife he made

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Jesus says: take this bread, it is my body.
A hooker says: take this body, it is my bread.

A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

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Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

Mary Magdalene sends nudes to Jesus

Jesus: Sends picture of bread
Mary: WTF
Jesus: This is my body

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

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Why did the boy who moved to Alabama have sex with a dinner roll?

He wanted to be in-bread like everyone else.

A politician dies…

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, an...

Wife says to her programmer husband:

"Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with twelve loaves of bread.

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

Bread is like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

McDo added “Alabama Sandwich” to their menu

It’s a chicken in bread.

Have you ever noticed why hot-dogs all look the same?

It's because they're in-bread.

They were out of bread at the Indian restaurant I was at

The waiter said it was a naan issue.

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Loot Boxes

It’s only a matter of time before grocery stores and fast food chains implement the Loot Box strategy for food.

Mark my words one day you’ll be standing in front of a machine all like, “Shit this is my last dollar I really hope I get some bread. come on Bread.”

“Ahhh fuck. . . Cabbage!...

arán is Irish for bread

It's gaelic bread

What do you get when Black Panther brings Jewish bread to Thor's party?

T'Challa challah at the Valhalla gala.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

A pony walks into a restaurant and finds a seat.

A pony walks into a restaurant and finds a seat. The waitress comes up and brings some complimentary bread and takes his drink order.

"I'll just have a water for now," says the pony.

A few moments later the waitress comes back with the water and sees that the pony had already eaten al...

What's the difference between a raisin and a pothead from Alabama

One's baked in bread, and the other's a baked inbred.

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela?

Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons.

What do you made pickle bread out of?

Dill dough

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough

The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity

Pigs in a blanket were invented in Alabama.

We know this because they're in bread.

How do you kill a gluten free Vampire?

Garlic bread

Alternative nursery rhymes

Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

bread like fruitcakes, uneaten.

Onboard a naval ship, the sailors were turning in their food trays with everything eaten but the bread. This upset the mess officer who had baked the bread. When he asked if there was something wrong with the bread, some sailors said it was too hard. The officer would have none of that.

“If C...

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

There once was a man who lived in a little hut down by the lake.

Every morning he would wake up at sunrise and go down onto the docks to feed the baby ducklings.

Each day he would bring exactly 6 slices of bread down one for each baby duckling. But as summer was starting to come to an end the man thought the ducklings could use more food.

So he de...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

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