UPJOKE
doughflourtoastsandwichyeastmatzosourdoughbakingloafrye breadwheatsugarbreadstufftortillabrown bread

What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

If I had a nickel for every bread pun

I'd have a pun-per-nickel.

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

Heard of the baker who fell in love with unbaked bread?

Asked about their love, he replies “this here is all I knead”

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread...

On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

If you wanted to make pickle bread,

you'd have to start out with dill dough.

I braided a rope today. It looks like challah bread.

But it's knot.

What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common?

They both taste funny.

My mom asked me how to make dill bread

For some reason she wasn't happy when I told her to use a dill dough...

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

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Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

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The truth about Rye Bread

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your ene...

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok"

A girl answered "Light",
"Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?"
"Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

What are the Scottish' favorite type of bread?

Gaelic Bread

I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread!

[cetacean kneaded]

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Why did the bread break up with the margarine?

Because it had found someone butter.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

At the last supper Jesus lifted the bread and spoke, "This is my body."

He then lifted the wine and said, "This is my blood."

He lifted a jar of mayo...

Peter: "Okay, that's enough!"

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

Why was the Indian baker not concerned about his bread?

It was a naan issue

What kind of shoes does bread wear?

Loafers.

My dad's bread factory burnt down

Now his business is toast

A Woman Brings Some Bread To Work... [OC] [long]

A woman works in the Editorial Office of a newspaper and brings in a large, fresh loaf of bread. She puts it in the break room, where eight or so "old boys" are sitting around drinking coffee. She says, "My husband is learning to bake and made this bread, but he made a mistake--"

But at that ...

I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

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Why did the bread machine go to see a therapist?

It was too self-loafing.

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What did a loaf of bread say to a stick of butter?

You would look good on me when we wake up in bed in the morning.

sometimes I go to a bread museum

it gets stale after going for a while

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Why is the end of a loaf a bread called the butt?

Everybody touches it but nobody wants to eat it!

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

What do you call someone who only ever gets mad about Indian bread?

naan-confrontational

Today I'm making fish cakes covered in bread crumbs.

It will be a challenge because I've never been covered in breadcrumbs before.

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

What’s an Indian chef’s favorite bread?

That’s naan of your concern.

What did the existential bread say when it was having a midlife crisis?

I knead some answers

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

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Sex is like garlic bread

Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

A baker trainee is learning how to make bread.

While preparing the dough, he asks his boss: 'How do I know it no longer needs kneading?' 'As soon as your asscrack gets drippy with sweat', the boss says.

After a while, the trainee, tired of kneading, sticks his hand in his pants.
'No, not yet.'

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience?

You only pay for what you knead.

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

What do you call toasted communion bread

Jesus Crust

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Why was the bread acting clingy?

Because it kneaded attention

Did you hear about the bread knife that did a hit and run?

It was in car serrated

I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

Two bakers were trying to have a talk about leavened Indian breads...

The topic was a naan-starter.

What you call an Indian family that makes bread the traditional way?

>!Naan conformists.!<

why do Indians rarely squabble over bread?

Its a Naan-issue

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

How do the French get bread home?

They baguette

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word f...

I stopped my wife from waiving down our server at the Indian restaurant when they forgot the bread...

We got rice dishes so it was a naan-issue.

I had a joke about Dutch bread...

But I didn't think you would like De Rye humor.

I feel like I should invest in Bread

Might sound crazy, but over time it'll make me a lot of dough

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

I painted a picture of some bread I bought at the store that I really admired…..

It was my roll model.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Why don't they make pickles and bread in the same room?

Because you'd end up making a dil-dough

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.


I'll show myself out.

How do you make French bread?

With Eiffel flour.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week

Roll on Monday

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

How many calories are in a communion bread?

Nun!

Bread puns happened when you

Yeast expect them

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