10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

In my school-play I was assigned to play a piece of bread.

It was a great roll.

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

What do you call a joke in between two slides of bread?

What do you call a joke in between two slices of bread?

Cheesy

My friend came up with this, and to my knowledge it isn't anywhere else on the internet. Its very cringey but i digress

Why can't I take pickle-flavored breads to the church picnic?

Because it's made from dill doughs!

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

Bread puns happened when you

Yeast expect them

What type of bread do redditors hate the most?

The *Rick* roll.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

A bread factory caught on fire the other day.

Now, their business is toast.

Did you hear of the Indians who threw bread at each other to resolve conflicts?

They had a naan aggression pact.

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

How does German bread say hello?

Gluten tag

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

Hey, Jude what kind of bread would you like with your curry?

Naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan...

What do you call pickled bread?

A dill dough.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

Everyone knows Communists make the best bread

Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!

Man does not live by bread alone....

... but if he has no bread, he'll be alone.

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?

He was a gluten for punishment.

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

What do you call it when your bread dough doesn't rise properly?

A naan issue.

What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

What do you get when Black Panther brings Jewish bread to Thor's party?

T'Challa challah at the Valhalla gala.

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.

I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

What’s the state bread of Alabama?

Inbred

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was angry because...

Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.

Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom....

What do white knights put on their bread?

M'lasses

What kind of bread can pay for itself?

A Bank Roll

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I can never remember those long thin sticks of French bread

I'm so baguetteful

Why is it hard to become famous for finding Indian bread?

eventually somebody will call this ability Naan sense.

What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

arán is Irish for bread

It's gaelic bread

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

What is a Pokémon’s favorite type of bread?

Dark Rye

What does bread and kids have in common ?

Don't make em on a weak Ikea kitchen table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonds

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for
something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the
restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The
blonde said it w...

bread like fruitcakes, uneaten.

Onboard a naval ship, the sailors were turning in their food trays with everything eaten but the bread. This upset the mess officer who had baked the bread. When he asked if there was something wrong with the bread, some sailors said it was too hard. The officer would have none of that.

“If C...

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

*raises piece of bread*

“I’d like to make a toast...”

Life is like a loaf of bread

Because life is pain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread!

It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

How do you feed 5000 people with one slice of bread?

Cut the ends and you will have endless bread

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] why is masturbation like making pickle bread?

First, you knead a dill dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

What kind of dog can you get at a bakery?

Pure bread

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

Flour, sugar, salt, water and yeast grew up together in jail.

Guess you could say they were bread in captivity.

Did you hear about the Indian priest who always donated bread to charity?

He was the Naan-Prophet

A man was at a supermarket buying bread.

The cashier asked him if he wanted a bag. He said 'yes please, baguette'.

The Germans have developed a talking bread, but it only uses informal greetings such as "tag" or "morgen".

It's guten-free bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What plays Fortnite and is poured with bread?

Extra-virgin olive oil.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

My friend came up to me after making the world's largest bread

He said to me "Hey, thanks for helping out with this"

I responded "No problem, it was the yeast I could do"

My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

What do you have in common with bread dough?

If you get baked you're more likely to loaf around.

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

A nomad traveler is walking through a village in the country...

A nomad traveler is walking through a village in the country when a little boy comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my mother is trapped in a well!" So the traveler comes to the mother's aid, she gives him some bread and a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.

Next he is walkin...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

Reporter to the world’s first trillionaire: “Sir, what are you going to do with all that money?”.

“I can buy a chicken and some bread now!”, says Abou, while walking out of his bank in Zimbabwe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

What’s Jesus’ favorite TV show?

Breaking Bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 80 year old guys were discussing their sex lives

Hey, Morris what’s really helping with the ladies is that Russian Rye bread I’ve been eating

Morris is curious and goes to the bakery

He says give me 3 loaves of your Russian Rye please!

The lady says be careful, it’s gonna be hard in 3 days

Morris says what the F

...

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Baker who did some shady shit just to make bread?

What can I say? He kneaded the dough!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket.

A man is at the checkout at the supermarket. He gives the cashier his groceries. 1 chicken breast, 1 potato, 1 carrot, 1 tomato, 1 bread roll, and 1 beer.

The cashier asks "are you single?"

He says "yes, how did you know?"

She replies "you are really ugly!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

What's the name of the restaurant You went to yesterday where they had very good Indian bread?

That's naan of your business!

My coworker asked if I liked bread

Honestly, it’s my yeast favourite thing.

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