TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Why can’t you prosecute unleavened bread?

Because there’s no proof

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

Why did the baker put pickles in his bread?

He overheard his wife talking about wanting to experience a dill-dough

A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt...

I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...

Went to the Indian market to get bread.

But they had naan.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

I thought you said we didn’t have any bread?

No, I said we had Naan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

I braided a rope today. It looks like challah bread.

But it's knot.

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

What did the psychologist say to the bread addict?

"You need to grain some self control there!"

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

How do you make pickled bread?

Dill dough

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

Making bread is very addictive

First I was enjoying just mixing the ingredients. But after a while I kneaded it.

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

I was gonna tell a joke about bread..

But nevermind it was stale

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

A piece of bread walks into a bar.

They say,”Hey, can I get something?”

The bartender responds with,”No, sorry. You may not be served.”

“Why?”The bread asks.

“Because we do not serve food.”

I made really spicy vindaloo and thought I should have it with bread

But I had naan.

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

How about we cut the bread *before* we sell it?

Wow! that's the greatest idea since... uh since... idk.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

What do you call a bread delivery service

Uber wheats

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer.

As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast.

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week.

Roll on Monday.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lor...

What do you call a bread merchant that drives a hard bargain?

Naan-negotiable!

What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common?

They both taste funny.

What happens to loaves of bread that are left outside in Chisinau?

They Moldova

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was her bread and she was my jam

One day she left me saying 'I deserve butter'

What's faster, milk or bread?

Milk because it's pasteurise before you see it

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My donkey just ate the last of my French bread

It's a pain in the ass situation

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,

but all I feel is pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

A wife tells her husband, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread. The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

If I can't resist eating sourdough bread, but it gives me incredible indigestion....

Does that make me a sourdough-masochist?

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out about a type of bread that’s used as a dildo in france

It’s a pain in the ass

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

What do I wish this sub had less of?

Bread.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

I made a villager in my game out of bread

It's a naan-player character

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

I feel bad for the people who had a bread making business is Rome back then...

Because now their business is toast

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

I made some dill flavoured bread yesterday

I used the juice from a jar of dill pickles. The issue is I made far too much mix. I tried to give it to my friends and family but none of them wanted any of my left over used dill dough!

What happened to the Indian bread when it left the country?

It became a Naan Residential Indian.

A Barber and the Clergy

>One day a Priest walked into a barbershop to get a haircut. The barber cut his hair to his liking. Afterward, the priest asked "How much do I owe you?".
>
>"Oh, I don't charge the clergy, father." replied the barber
>
>"That's very generous but I must pay you for...

Do you know why they call it a pretzel?

Because it’s knot bread

What's a Jawa's favorite type of bread?

ZUCCHINI!

I made bread last night,

and I have been loafing around ever since.

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been thinking of getting a pickle bread enema, but I’m having second thoughts.

I’m not sure how I feel about putting a dill dough up my ass.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prostitute and Miracle Whip?

Miracle Whip is the bread spread, and a prostitute just spreads for bread.

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

What do you call a holy bread?

Jesus crust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a shit sandwich......

the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

What does an adventurous baker give you during a car ride?

Road bread.

I Walk Into A Bar

I sit down and ask the bartender for a drink.

He gets me a drink and I drink it.

Then I pay him and walk out.

I then get in my car and drive to the supermarket.

I arrive at the supermarket and get out of my car.

I go up to the entrance and grab a shopping cart...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

What do you call a piece of bread that never gives you up?

A Rick Roll.

What kind of bread always needs reminding?

Focaccia!

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Why is dough horny?

Because it kneads to be bread

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

What was Nicholas the second's favorite bread?

A Tsardough.

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

What did Mr.T say to the bread?

I "pita" the fool!

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower?

A Baguetti

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