My 17-year-old daughter and I made up a joke today! Q: Who is the bread God’s arch-enemy?

A: The Anticrust!

My wife is unhappy with my new bread baking hobby.

Seems she wants to be the only sour, doughy thing in my life.

What is a German breads favourite game?

Gluten tag

Bread is like the sun..

it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I got a lifetime supply of bread!

You'd think I'd say I'm rolling in dough, right? Well I am actuality a very lucky Soviet in 1936.

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I was her bread, she was my jam.

One day she left me saying, "You deserve butter".

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

The Soviet Union made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days to get it.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line?

Fast food

What do you call a Jewish bread that the Black Panther bakes for Thor's party?

T'calla's challah for the Val'Halla gala.

How do you make pickle bread?

You use dill dough

What is Doctor Who's favourite bread?

Dalek Bread

What is bread in Alabama called

inbread

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

My coworker asked if I liked bread

Honestly, it’s my yeast favourite thing.

What do you call an Irish millionaire?

A ginger bread man.

What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

At one of USSR’s bread lines during 1985…

A man in the crowd mumbling to himself “No bread, no milk, no meat… what a shame” two policemen hearing of his mumbling and walk up to him, and says

“Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you’d have been shot, so shut up and stand in line like everybody else.”

As the policemen leave, ...

Two jockeys sitting in the stalls before a race. Jockey 1 says to jockey 2 "I'm so good at this jockey game that I gave this thorough-bread a spliff to smoke before the race. And I'm still going to win."

Jockey 2 says "get off your high horse".

What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread

Loafers

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

I don't normally eat bread...

But today we had Indian food at work.

It was na'an negotiable.

I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...

​

I will leave now

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

Jesus: I am the bread of life

Roman soldiers: Lets get this bread

Jesus: Wait, no

Who is the patron saint of Pizza and Bread?

Jesus Crust

Some guy tried to steal my recipe for Indian bread.

I told him: “It’s naan of your business.”

I think I might have a slight drinking problem...

My friend asked me to toast some bread... I got up, raised my glass and said: "Here's to the Bread"

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

Use the words chicken, nut, and bread in one sentence.

When my sister got pregnant, my Filipino mother told my dad to stop choking her because chicken nut bread.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

A bread pun

Sorry, it's gone stale

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Snakes dont like bread

Except for sirmixalot's anaconda because ***it don't want none unless you got buns Hun***

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Jesus at Last Supper

\*break bread\* This is my body

\*pours wine\* This is my blood

\*open jar of mayo\*

Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

Have you heard of the boy made of bread?

Apparently nobody wanted to take him in...

Good thing they used self-raising flour!

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a slutty bread bin?

A crumb dumpster.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A programmer's wife tells him to buy a loaf of bread, she also said that if there are eggs, get a dozen

The programmer returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

A local Indian baker told me he thinks, lives, and breathes bread.

I told him that sounds like a bunch of Naan sense

Last time I went to the Indian restaurant, they forgot to give me bread...

But I didn't complain, since it was a naan-issue.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

Another bread joke

A local bakery hired a beautiful young female cashier who likes to wear very short skirts. One day, a young man enters the store and after noticing the length of her skirt and the high location of the raisin bread, had a brilliant idea. 'I'd like a loaf of raisin bread' the man ordered and the girl ...

Did you hear about the man who stole some bread

Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

Corporal Bread is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad gets ambushed. An incendiary grenade lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Private Panini exclaims, "Is he dead?!"

The sergeant sombrely replies, "He's toast"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

My dog ate a loaf and a half of bread off the counter.

She's pure bread.

Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

I have a medical condition that means I can die if I have burnt bread..

I am black toast intolerant

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for...

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If my wife falls into a coma I’m going to harvest her vagina yeast to make bread.

I’m going to call it *comatoast.*

When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom?

Self-loafing.

Everyone was telling me to stop making bread jokes

But i could tell they were having a loaf

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...

After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.

Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."

What did the doctor advise the patient with gluten allergy?

You need bread rest

What happens when you make bread from scratch but cook it too long?

That batch is toast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus gave 2 thousand people bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

I just had this really strong Korean bread.

Tae-kwon-dough

A french guy told me, never make bread:

It will bring you nothing but pain.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever and his friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread!”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind...”

I asked my local baker for her amazing bread recipe.

She said it's on a knead to dough basis.

What do you call bread that’s scared of everything?

Cower-dough

I went to the store to buy bread but my card was declined.

The cashier told me to just Baguette and go

What do you call an emo making a ginger bread house?

A cookie cutter

I’ve concluded that bread is better than Jesus.

Bread only takes a few hours to rise.

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:

​

It's stale mate.

My Dad showed me how to make bread, then he wanted me to do it on my own...

While I was kneeding the dough, he said, "This time, I won't tell you what to do next"

I told him, "I don't need you to"

He said, "Prove it"

Did you hear about the new pickle flavored bread?

So since Pickle flavor is in style now with sonics new pickle juice shake, I think I'm going to launch a line of pickle flavored pastry. I'm going to call it Dilldough.