What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

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I was her bread and she was my jam

One day she left me saying 'I deserve butter'

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What do Clowns and moldy bread have in common?

They both taste funny.

Why did the bread break up with the cheese?

Because she wasn’t Gouda enough for him!

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

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Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

I’ve decided to dress as a different bread everyday next week.

Roll on Monday.

I asked my Indian neighbour if i could have some bread

He had naan

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I just found out about a type of bread that’s used as a dildo in france

It’s a pain in the ass

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

When does bread rise?

When you yeast expect it!

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

I feel bad for the people who had a bread making business is Rome back then...

Because now their business is toast

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

I made a villager in my game out of bread

It's a naan-player character

What do you call a celiac who eats bread

A gluten for pain.

I made some dill flavoured bread yesterday

I used the juice from a jar of dill pickles. The issue is I made far too much mix. I tried to give it to my friends and family but none of them wanted any of my left over used dill dough!

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Why did the protestors start throwing bread?

Because they wanted to rye it.

A religious woman goes to the store to get some bread, but isn't able to buy it. Why?

There was nun left

Everything is depressing, so you turns to making bread.

A friend came around and sees what you’re doing.
“Hey, nice bread”
You smiles feeling better.
“Thanks, I kneaded that”

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

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I’ve been thinking of getting a pickle bread enema, but I’m having second thoughts.

I’m not sure how I feel about putting a dill dough up my ass.

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

What happened to the Indian bread when it left the country?

It became a Naan Residential Indian.

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread...

...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"

What's a Jawa's favorite type of bread?

ZUCCHINI!

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

I made bread last night,

and I have been loafing around ever since.

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

I tried to make a breathing mask out of pita bread.

But it just made me falafel.

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I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed?

The Garden of Eaten

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

What kind of bread always needs reminding?

Focaccia!

What do you call a piece of bread that never gives you up?

A Rick Roll.

Bread is a lot like the sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I'd come home with 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, 1/2 a pound of cheese, pack of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.



Too many security cameras

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

What did Mr.T say to the bread?

I "pita" the fool!

What was Nicholas the second's favorite bread?

A Tsardough.

What’s a southerner’s favorite kind of bread?

Inbred!

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower?

A Baguetti

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread.

I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

The inventor of sliced bread

Is likely the one that cut the cheese.

What a Jewish rappers favorite bread?

Challah!

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:

I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

What did the baker say when he left his bread in the oven for too long?

Yeah this bread is toast

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

In my school-play I was assigned to play a piece of bread.

It was a great roll.

If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party

would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah?

There was no bread at the grocery store,

so I bought a couple bags of bread crumbs and now have a weekend project.

OC

What do you use to make pickled bread?

Dill dough.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Two men are sitting at a table.

One guy says, "I have ants"

The second guy replies, "Yeah, but my ants are taller than yours."

So the first guy now says 'Well, I have a tube of glue!",

To which the second guy replies, "And... I have an entire tin of it."

Finally, the first guy says "I have bread."
...

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

What’s another name for bread?

Wheatloaf.

What do you call a joke in between two slides of bread?

What do you call a joke in between two slices of bread?

Cheesy

My friend came up with this, and to my knowledge it isn't anywhere else on the internet. Its very cringey but i digress

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread

I’m black toast intolerant

Where does Dimebag Darrell go for breakfast?

Pantera Bread

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor

... but he said he had naan.

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

Did you hear of the Indians who threw bread at each other to resolve conflicts?

They had a naan aggression pact.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

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Three Jews are in a Nazi concentration camp

The Nazi officer approaches the first Jew and asks him, "How high can you jump?"

"One metre" he replies.

"Not bad", says the Nazi officer and gives him some bread and water.

He then asks the second Jew the same question. The second Jew says he can jump two metres high.

"V...

Why can't I take pickle-flavored breads to the church picnic?

Because it's made from dill doughs!

Hey, Jude what kind of bread would you like with your curry?

Naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan, naan...

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

I think I've created a great dad joke:

I was conceived in a bakery.

You can say I was born and bread there.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

Everyone knows Communists make the best bread

Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!

Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?

He was a gluten for punishment.

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

Man does not live by bread alone....

... but if he has no bread, he'll be alone.

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

What's a new mom's favorite bread?

Pumpanipple!!

I thought of that joke last night. I was very proud of it.

I think my wife has a problem with alcohol

The other day I asked her to toast some bread for me, so she raised her wine glass and said “here’s to bread”

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

A Tragic Story...

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn’t.

What does burnt breads, soldiers dying, and pregnant women have in common!

Pulling out too late.

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I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.

She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

Duck upsets Bartender

A Duck walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “No, sorry. I don’t have bread.”
Duck walks out of the bar.
The next day, the Duck walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “Ugh, no, I...

Why do all sausage dogs look the same?

Because they're in bread

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