UPJOKE
porridgerolled oatsmueslicornmealgranolameatloafmacaronicerealsoupmealcookiedessertbreadburgoooats

Oatmeal Jokes

Did you hear about the oatmeal cookie orphans?

No one's raisin 'em.

A young boy asks an old man how he got to be so old

The old man tells the boy "Oh it's an old cowboy trick! Every morning I put a spoonful of gunpowder on my oatmeal!" So the young boy starts doing it and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106. He left behind 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren and a 30 foot hole in the wall o...

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40...

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

Coffee and Oatmeal

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this ...

I refused to eat oatmeal as a child.

I was an inporridgeable brat!

My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge

I only eat certain types of oatmeal cookies

because raisins.

Ol' Jed

Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.

"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"

"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oatmeal Cream Pie

The most disturbing category in the Grannie Porn collection.

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

What do you want for breakfast?

There were two elderly people who were trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Keep this in mind: because of their age, neither of them have the greatest memory anymore.

The husband asks the wife, "what do you want for breakfast?"

The wife responds, "Oh... just a bowl of oatmeal w...

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instru...

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the Quaker man's favorite after dinner delight?

Oatmeal cream pie

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You'...

What does a sailor have for breakfast?

bOATmeal!

50th Wedding Anniversary

It's the morning of a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. They're sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast and reading the newspaper.

The wife looks at the husband and says "you know, if this was 50 years ago, we'd be sitting at this table naked".

The husband replies "you know what...

A man is checking out at the grocery store.

He buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The woman behind him says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's becaus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you have sex with the Quaker Oats guy?

Oatmeal Creme Pies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A starving man walks into a busy diner...

He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down. The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.

After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Little Debbie company is trying to make a new snack

In a meeting room, several people are trying to make the new snack everyone will love

a guy who really likes chocolate: what if we made brownies with even more chocolate on them?

everyone couldn't seem to get behind the idea, so they kept trying to find a new idea

a dude who thi...

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

What do you call Shaq if he was a delicious breakfast dish?

Shaquille Oatmeal

what do you call a gang made up of cookies?

oatmeal raisin hell

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare.

Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed mother of 3 is worried her children aren’t getting enough iron in their diet.

Not sure what to do, she mixes bb’s into their oatmeal. Later that day the first child comes running in the kitchen:

“Mama Mama - Guess what!?! I peed a bb!!”

“Oh, that’s good,” the mother assured, “that means you’re getting your iron.” And she gave the little tyke a cookie and sent ...

The little bunny.

A little bunny hops into town, hops into the bakery, hops up to the baker and asks, "Do you have any cookies with fish in them?" "No," said the baker, "but I have some wonderful oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies." "No thanks!" said the bunny, and he hops out of town.

The next day the little ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple were celebrating their anniversary...

So they decided to have breakfast in the nude. The wife, feeling a bit naughty, asked her husband, "Are my breasts as hot as they were thirty years ago?"

The old man peers through his glasses at her for a minute and says, "Yep, you're right one's in your coffee, your left one's in your oatmea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Love

An old couple decided to relive their anniversary. They traveled to same hotel that they stayed in all those years ago. Eating breakfast, naked, as they did when they were younger, the old woman says to her husband of many years.
"Honey, I know we've been together a long time, but when I look at ...

What do you call 4 lepers in a Jacuzzi?

Oatmeal.

Long life

A old friend of mine passed the other day, she was 107 years old, I asked her once what her secret to living so long was, she told me that when she was a child she asked her great grandfather the same question and he told her to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on top of her oatmeal every morning, ...

An elderly couple take an anniversary cruise...

On the first morning, they're at breakfast. The bride of fifty years leans over the table and says "honey, my nipples are still burnin' for you like the first time we met."

The old man, without skipping a beat, says "well baby, that's because one of them is in the oatmeal and the other one's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother complained to several doctors

A mother complained to several doctors of her five-year-old’s failure to speak. Examinations yielded the fact that he was a remarkably healthy child, and she was told not to worry. But worry she did.

One day, in a hurry, she burned his oatmeal but served it anyway. He tasted it, spat it out, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English man, French, American and a Russian are captured by hungry cannibals

English man, French, American and a Russian are captured by hungry cannibals. The chief comes out and speaks to the men, "We are cannibals so we will eat you all. But we are also humane cannibals so we will grant you one wish before we eat you."

English man is first, "I would like to have a n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.