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Biscuit Jokes

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Bad Doggo! No Biscuit!

A guy is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their place for dinner. After dinner, he starts getting some bad gas pain. Luckily, the family dog is sitting right next to him.

Taking a risk, he thinks to himself, "I’ll let a little one fly and see what happens."

A few...

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

What do you call a soul singer with a biscuit on his head?

Lionel Richtea

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

Why was the biscuit sad ?

Because its mother was a wafer too long...

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"Mum! Dad's got his cock in the biscuit barrel!"

"Don't worry, he's just fucking crackers."

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

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this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

What does the giraffe say when it bites down a biscuit?

A little goes a long way

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

So a piece of bacon and a biscuit walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "Sorry but we don't serve breakfast here"

If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit.....

.....join the Euphemism Society.

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

Two biscuits are in an oven…

One biscuit looks at the other and says, “man, it’s hot in here.”

The other biscuit replied, “AHHH, a talking biscuit!!!”

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

Do you guys like jokes about the exchanging of bodily fluids for doggy biscuits?

Well, urine for a treat!

What did the biscuit say when he fell off the shelf?

Oh Crumbs

Have you been making biscuits?

Because you just made this ginger nut.

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Have you heard about the new viagra biscuits?

They never go soft

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Mummy Mummy

What's daddy doing with his Penis in the biscuit tin?

I don't know son, he must be fucking crackers

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

Navy Biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

Th...

I bought some ginger biscuits.

Fussy guy didn't even eat them.

A man walks into a bar

And sees a dog by the fireplace licking its balls.
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says “ha, I wish I could do that”
The barman replies “give him a biscuit and he might let you”

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

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Tax office sent an inspector.....

....to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and ...

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NSFW (Joke Translated from Arabic) A man goes to the pharmacy for Viagra...

He askes the pharmacist if the viagra really works and will make him last long?

The pharmacist says "yes! And now the box is on sale for $15.00!"

The man says "I only have a $20.00, can you make change?"

The pharmacist does not have change. So the man takes his little blue pill...

What are the most powerful biscuits in the universe?

The Infinity Scones...



My 11 year old just came up with that one on his own...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

How does Bob Marley like his biscuits?

Wit jam in?

So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet.

When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.

The wife said I'm tight and we never do anything, so we've just been out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting to be honest, never given blood before.

And the LORD said unto John...

"Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece..........with a biscuit

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A guy orders a beer at the bar.

The bartender puts the beer pint in front of him with the coaster under the glass.

Guy drinks his beer and orders another one, the bartender picks up the beer glass but doesn't find a coaster and thinks nothing of it and serves the guy another round.

A few rounds like that and the guy...

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

My buddy doesn’t curse....

Stephen: “Son of a biscuit!”

Me: “I didn’t know biscuits had children.”

Stephen: “Sometimes I guess.”

Me: “How does that work?”

Stephen: “They’re bread.”

For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits.

No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.

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Bear escaped from the zoo

Bear escaped from the zoo. No one can find it.

Finally, grandma calls 911: - Oh, a bear got into my yard and climbed on a tree! Take it away, I'm scared!!

A man comes with a small dog, gives grandma a rifle, points out at the dog and says: - Grandma, this is Biscuit. I'm going to clim...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

I offered the old lady next door a box of biscuits for a go on her stairlift.

I think she's going to take me up on it

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy...

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction?

A Limp Biscuit

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

Cookie Thieves

They really take the biscuit

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

Little Charlie was walking down High Street with his mother...

...when they stopped outside a woman's clothing shop. Charlie's mother knew it would embarrass Charlie to go inside, so she told him to wait outside.

Before Charlie's mother had a chance to go inside, little Charlie saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy!?" he a...

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On Saturday I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a light weight rucksack, and some waterproofs.

This morning I headed out in the direction of the local national park, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall near the waterfall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I.... Sorry, I'm rambling.

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall...

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

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An American guy, visiting China, sees a Chinese guy eating biscuits and jelly at a cafe and decides to have a little fun with him.

He pops a stick of gum into his mouth and sits next to the Chinese guy.

As he's chewing it, he casually says to the Chinese guy, "Are those biscuits you're eating? Well in America, we eat our bread without the crust, compact the crust into biscuits and sell it to China." The Chinese guy deci...

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg?

Limp Biscuit.

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Just tried my new Viagra based teabags.

Didn't do much in the bedroom but I left the biscuits in all day and they didn't go soft!

At the canteen of a Catholic school...

The nun places a note in front of a pile of apples: “Take just one. God is watching”. Beyond there is a stack of biscuits. A student writes a note and puts it in plain sight in front of the cookies: “Take whatever you want. God is watching the apples".

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BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

"Mum, mum! I came first in class today!"

"Well done!! What was it?"

"Soggy biscuit"

"Oh, what's that... and what's wrong with your brother?"

"He came last".

a blind man is waiting to cross a busy street......

when suddenly his guide dog dashes into traffic, dragging the blind man with him. Brakes squeal, horns honk, drivers yell and cars get rear-ended, but man and dog make it to the other side without a scratch. A crowd starts to gather around the man and dog, curious to see how the man will discipline ...

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Lawyers and their dogs.

In 1989 the University of Nottingham funded a study to explore the relationship that develops between people and their dogs.

They got three people with dogs: an architect, a mathematician, and a lawyer. The took the dogs and put them in a large room, placing three biscuits in front of each d...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

Jeff goes to the grocery store.

Jeff - (to the clerk) can I get those dog biscuits?

Clerk - sure sir, would you like to eat in or take out?

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

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A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

Joke my little brother made up

What is a dead man's favorite food? Biscuits and gravy.

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

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Day 299 without having sex

I ate two Popeyes biscuits without water so it could choke me

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

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Damn Ham

A preacher was invited to a dinner by a nice family. When the preacher arrived the mother realized they did not have a ham for the dinner. She then asked the preacher if he could go to the store to grab a ham. Preacher agrees and heads to the grocery store. The preacher asked a stocker if they had a...

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

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