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Cracker Jokes

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I don't know, but if it wants a cracker you better give it one

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!

- my 5 year old

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

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Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

Why did the cracker go to the doctor

Becuase he was feeling a little crumby

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I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

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Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"I want my mommy," he sobbed.

What did one cracker say to the other?

"Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

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Mummy Mummy

What's daddy doing with his Penis in the biscuit tin?

I don't know son, he must be fucking crackers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

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I hate double standards. When babies

suck a woman's boobs in public it’s fine, but when I do it, I get kicked out of Cracker Barrel.

Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

When I started dating my girlfriend I was worried about telling her I had addiction, I used to eat dry crackers all day long

It was hard to swallow but she stood by me and helped me through it

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

Have you guys seen Paula Deen's new restaurant menus?

They only serve crackers.

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I'm polysexual

I really want a fuckin cracker

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

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The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

Why shouldn't white people swim?

Crackers get soggy when wet.

Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?

The body of Christ is a cracker.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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