UPJOKE
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What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?

I don't know, but if it wants a cracker you better give it one

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

What are the Dire Straits' favorite kind of cracker?

Saltines of swing

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

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Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

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What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! (Xmas cracker joke folks)

Because their horns don't work!

(Xmas cracker joke folks)

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!

- my 5 year old

What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

Crackers

So my black friend Treyvon is having some issues with his girl friend (Polly). He told me she gave him an ultimatum. He either has to change his life in a number of ways including getting a stable job and marrying her or she'll leave him and find some one who will. After Treyvon had poured his heart...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

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I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

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Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"I want my mommy," he sobbed.

Dad, we're out of crackers.

Him: I guess you could say we're crackalacking.

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Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

The twelve days of Jokemas, day one

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

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I told my therapist I'm polysexual

I really want a fuckin cracker

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

I literally just found this in a Christmas cracker.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

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The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

A burgler breaks into a house at night

As he's sneaking around, suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you".

The burgler ignores it. But then he hears it again: "Jesus is watching you".

Confused, the burgler pays his attention to where the voice is coming from. And he sees a parrot.

The burgler approaches the ...

Bewar this chinese takeaway

Hate to do this about a family run restaurant, but feel you deserve to know. ** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from this place (we won't name them while its being investigated) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought ...

What does a parrot want on the 4th of July?

A Fire Cracker.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?

The body of Christ is a cracker.

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

What do you call a group of Caucasians rolling down a hill?

A cracker barrel

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

What do you call a Caucasian furry?

An animal cracker...

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