Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

A Time Traveller eats a really good cracker.

"Great BiScotti!"

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Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

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I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway...

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forwa...

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

What does a white person call it when there aren't any other white people in the room?

Cracker-lackin'

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

What do you call a Caucasian furry?

An animal cracker...

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

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What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

What do you get when you place a Russian leader on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz.

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

Logic.

In class I learned:
Nothing is better than ice cream to eat on a hot summers day.
I also learned that if stranded on a desert island and you have crackers then at least they're better than nothing.
My professor then pointed out that crackers are better than ice cream and he logically prove...

What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

Dad, we're out of crackers.

Him: I guess you could say we're crackalacking.

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

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what did the 6ft parrot say?

polly wants a cracker and he wants it fucking now!

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"I want my mommy," he sobbed.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful.

A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.

What did one cracker say to the other?

"Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

I bought a box of animal crackers...

I bought a box of animal crackers and the label said, "Do not eat if seal is broken."

I open the box and sure enough...

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz~

Crackers

So my black friend Treyvon is having some issues with his girl friend (Polly). He told me she gave him an ultimatum. He either has to change his life in a number of ways including getting a stable job and marrying her or she'll leave him and find some one who will. After Treyvon had poured his heart...

What do you call a group of angry white guys?

Saltine Crackers

Michael Jackson is a lot like caviar.

They both come on little crackers.

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

What do you call a group of Caucasians rolling down a hill?

A cracker barrel

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A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."

Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
...

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

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So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

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Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

One night my family was having dinner

We were having something Mexican but we had a box of white cheddar cheese itz, we always have some sort of chips or crackers.

My brother had a plate of just rice and he was putting the cheese itz on the rice. I was super confused until he said

“Hey Zack, have you heard in our lord and ...

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Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?

A Pull-it-surprise!

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection?

A cracker with cheese

What’s A Zookeeper’s Favourite Snack?

Animal crackers.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mother...

While his mom put away the groceries, the boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."

What do you call a horse in pyjamas?

A nightmare.

(This was a Christmas cracker joke with the real answer being 'a zebra'. My boyfriend came up with this answer before the real answer was revealed.)

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

If the KKK was meeting for lunch where would they go?

Cracker Barrel.

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

I don't understand why everyone is surprised that the religious right is okay with racism

Every church I've ever gone to has told me Jesus is a white cracker.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

I had a Pacific Islander friend who was into white chicks.

When I asked him why, he simply replied:
“Poly want a cracker!”

Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

Jesus must be white.

'cause he tastes like a cracker.

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The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

A boy asks his father, "Dad, why do you hate Cheez-Its?"

The father, clearly puzzled, asks him, "What do you mean?"

"Well," the boy says, "you're always saying that a goddamned orange cracker is ruining the country."

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man p...

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How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towar...

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

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The Fowl Mouthed Parrot

A woman brought home a parrot from the pound, and discovered, to her dismay that he loved to swear like a sailor.

One day, after being called a juicy bitch one time too many, she grabbed him, and threw him into the freezer, in order to teach him a lesson.

After a few minutes, she opene...

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