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Cracker Jokes

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?

Jeez-Its.

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

After visiting the US and the UK, Taco Ockerse sent a bed made of crackers to Russia.

He wanted Putin on the Ritz.

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!

- my 5 year old

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Why did the cracker go to the doctor

Becuase he was feeling a little crumby

Courtesy of the Christmas cracker I just pulled: What do you get if you cross a fish and two elephants?

Swimming Trunks

What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! (Xmas cracker joke folks)

Because their horns don't work!

(Xmas cracker joke folks)

What did one cracker say to the other?

"Let's conquer the Americas, Africa, Australia, and Asia."

Animal Crackers

Please do not eat if the seal is broken.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with Chuck Norris?

I don't know, but I'd give him the cracker if I were you.

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

I had lots of cheese but no crackers...

I was cracka-lackin.

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New company mergers

(I marked it NSFW because of the last one - not sure if it's considered NSFW, so just to be safe...)

For all of you with any money, be aware of these expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business S...

I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"I want my mommy," he sobbed.

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

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