"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!

The Nut Cracker Suite

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

I once bought a box of animal crackers

It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away.

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I'm polysexual

I really want a fuckin cracker

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

Why doesn’t a cracker go to school?

Cuz it’s a cracker!

- my 5 year old

What do you call an Egyptian back cracker?

A Cairopractor

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

Why did the cracker go to the doctor

Becuase he was feeling a little crumby

If a black person calls you a whitey or a cracker just remember...

It's fine for them to say that, you can say things they never will be able too.

Like, "thanks for the warning officer"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker cooked on a stove?

A gilled cheese

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

I call the sunshine cracker company every year at this time and request they sell Cheez-its shrunk to 1/4th their original size.

I request they market them as "Sweet little baby Cheez-its."

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

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What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

What's a cracker's favorite band?

Panic! at Nabisco.

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

I literally just found this in a Christmas cracker.

Ok, so lets share our Christmas cracker jokes. Mine was awful.

A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.

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[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crap Christmas cracker joke

I was walking down the road with a 9 foot book under my arm when a guy who was walking past me said "what's with the big book?" I replied "It's a long story mate!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

100 Internet points to whoever can solve this xmas cracker!

What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?

Con Medicine

(a house of 20 can't work it out between us)

Bad Christmas cracker jokes.

Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!


What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Baby reindeer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
...

The twelve days of Jokemas, day one

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup...

...to this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

Dad, we're out of crackers.

Him: I guess you could say we're crackalacking.

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

Bewar this chinese takeaway

Hate to do this about a family run restaurant, but feel you deserve to know. ** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from this place (we won't name them while its being investigated) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought ...

What do you call a middle eastern cracker?

A sultine!

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Why do sharks only swim in salt water? (Got this is a Cracker Jack box)

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

This 4th of July please remember it's not "firecracker"

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

I pushed a cracker through the bars of the cage and said, "Who's a pretty boy?"

"I want my mommy," he sobbed.

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?

A Pull-it-surprise!

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

A burgler breaks into a house at night

As he's sneaking around, suddenly he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you".

The burgler ignores it. But then he hears it again: "Jesus is watching you".

Confused, the burgler pays his attention to where the voice is coming from. And he sees a parrot.

The burgler approaches the ...

When I started dating my girlfriend I was worried about telling her I had addiction, I used to eat dry crackers all day long

It was hard to swallow but she stood by me and helped me through it

What does a parrot want on the 4th of July?

A Fire Cracker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

Jesus Christ wasn’t white...

But according to Catholics he’s still a cracker.

what do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

they both come on little white crackers

What do you call a group of Caucasians rolling down a hill?

A cracker barrel

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Wanna know how I can prove Jesus was white?

The body of Christ is a cracker.

What do you call an old white man who thinks outside the box?

A stale cracker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cheesiest Joke I Know

What did the cracker say to the slice of cheddar?

"Say, you're looking mighty sharp today!"

To which the cheddar replied,

"Fuck you, white boy."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

What do you call a group of angry white guys?

Saltine Crackers

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

What do you call a Caucasian furry?

An animal cracker...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

What does a white person call it when there aren't any other white people in the room?

Cracker-lackin'

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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