I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says "excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

To which the baker replies “No you're right enough it's a doughnut"

I don’t know why Gordon Ramsay calls people a doughnut as an insult

Because honestly if someone called me a doughnut that would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever called me

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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A 2nd Grade Teacher's Class

A 2nd grade teacher is having a class one day and she says to the kids in the room "Class, today we are going to find out what your dad's do for a living. I want you to say what he does, spell it and if he were here today what he would do for us."

Mary, jumps up and raises her hand quickly, s...

Oldie but goodie: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi jammin

How can a topology student tell the difference between a coffee mug and a doughnut?

He can't.

Why did the baker quit making doughnuts?

He was fed up with the hole business!

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

I allow myself only one doughnut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

What's a basketball player's favorite doughnut shop?

Dunkin' Donuts!

There *is* a difference between doughnuts and donuts

**Ugh!**

Why do golfers love doughnuts?

Always a hole-in-one!

What are strange doughnuts made out of?

Weird doughs...

A sheep, two doughnuts, and a snake walked into a bar.

Bah-Dunk-Dunk, Sssss.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well...

Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony?

The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.

Who is the most popular woman?

The one who can eat the last doughnut

One time I had a doughnut stuffed with icing

It was filling!

Life...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

A cream-filled doughnut and an eclair...

...decided to get a divorce. It's a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They're in for a long, grueling custardy battle.

What does ADHD stand for?

Attention Deficit HEY DOUGHNUTS!!!

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Eyes give everything away.

A cop pulls over a guy. “Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?” “Gee, officer,” the man says, “Your eyes are awfully glazed-have you been eating doughnuts?”

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

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I was at a buffet.

This rather large woman walked up to me, as I browsed the treats.

"Mind if I take one of those doughnuts just there?" she asked me.



"Help yourself," I replied.



"Thanks," she smiled.



"No," I added, "I mean help yourself...and don't have any more fuc...

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

Jelly Doughnut

A newly wedded couple were on their honeymoon and were getting busy. They finish and the husband takes the condom off and accidentally throws it out the window.

The wife says “You can’t leave that out there. Go get it.”

So the husband gets dressed and runs outside. He sees a little b...

What happens when doughnuts join a sorority?

They have to go through the glazing.




I'm sorry I'm a baker it just came to me... Pun-ishment is in order.

Where does dough come from?

Doughnut

Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone

So, the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone is a police-free area surrounded by police.

Does that make it a doughnut hole?

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”

“Nuts,” he replies.

“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”

The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

A couple we’re having dinner at a restaurant

One of them finds a hair in the steak and calls the waiter to say:
“Waiter there’s a hair in my steak!”
The waiter nods and says “That’s because the chef uses his armpits to mash the meat”
“That’s disgusting” says the indignant diner
To which the waiter replies “You should see how he ma...

Just as ordered

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.


"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly.


"What do you mean?" barked the customer.


"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and...

Houdini and Criss Angel

Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"

Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Houdini then goes to the...

Who is a topologist?

A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Imagine being on Reddit for 2 years...

And and only getting a lousy cake.
Why can't I have a doughnut.

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

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What do you call the Pillsbury Doughboys testicles?

Doughnuts

Mexican Firetruck

A man lived right on the US side of the border between US and Mexico. One day his house caught on fire. He called 911, the operator said it would take the fire department 30 minutes to get there.

Panicking, he drove across the border, found the Mexican fire department and offered them $10,000...

I was turned away when I tried to order a pie from Yoda's bakery.

"Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie."

I got arrested today

I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though

Barber Shop

One day at a local barber shop a priest went in to get his hair cut. After he finished he asks the barber how much he owes him for the haircut. The barber politely responds with "For you, it is free of charge. Think of it as my way of giving back to my religion". The priest is very thankful and leav...

A guy was in a bakery and accidentally pushed open the door to the back room.

To his surprise, he saw one of the bakers lying down naked on a counter, kneading bread dough on his chest. The guy turned and said to another baker, "That's the oddest thing I have ever seen." The baker replied, "You should see him make the doughnuts!"

Army Post

A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...

They had desserted ...

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Little Johnny comes home late from School one day...

...and his Dad asks, "You're late, where have you been..?"
"With Jessica."
"Doing what..?"
"Revising."
Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the Kitchen Table and says, "Wow, these Fishcakes smell nice."
His Dad says, "Go wash your hands Son, cos they're fucking Doughnuts..!"

One time the Pillsbury Doughboy attacked me.

I kicked him in his doughnuts and ran.

Two guys walk into a dinner

They sit down and the waitress takes their order.
"Two cheese burgers and fries."
They watch as she walks to the kitchen window and gives the cook the order slip. The cook reads it and turns to the cooler and grabs a hand full of ground beef. He sticks it in his arm pit and brings his arm d...

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A guy walks into a pizza joint.

The host sits him at a table. The kitchen is in open view so the customer observes the head chef getting the pizza dough ready. The chef has his shirt unbuttoned halfway down and is tossing the dough high up in the air and letting it fall down his chest and he catches it as it rolls down.

Th...

A customer at a restaurant finds a hair in his meatballs.

He calls the waiter over and says: "Excuse me, but there appears to be a hair in my meatballs."

The waiter says: "Sorry about that. You see, we just hired a brand new chef and he has a very unique approach to making meatballs. He likes to take the ground meat and roll it on his chest into th...

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My sex life is such a disaster...

My sex life is such a disaster that last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

PTA Meeting

Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny...

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The Donut Joke

There was once an unemployed donut named Bob. Luckily for him, a pirate ship sailed into the port that day. He went to the captain of the ship and said, “Can I work on your ship?” The captain said “No.” The donut went home all sad and depressed. The next day, he went back to the captain. “Can I work...

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Timmy and Johnny having a relaxing day at the house.

Timmy and Johnny, two brothers were having a relaxed day at the house, Timmy, the older one was out splitting wood when Johnny comes and asks him if he could help, Timmy asks in reply "Can your pecker touch your asshole?" Johnny says "No." and Timmy tells him when his pecker can touch his asshole he...

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