UPJOKE
soda popsoft drinkcappuccinolemonadebeercoffeevodkacaffeinepopsaltdrinkbeveragecoketonicfizzy

I’m just sitting here all sad, crushing soda cans by myself

It’s soda pressing

What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda?

A fizz-ician (physician)

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

What do you call a very small bottle of soda?

Minnesota.

How does carbon dioxide make soda so bubbly?

By obeying the laws of fizz-ics.

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

What's a Survivalist's favorite soda?

Dr Prepper.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

What’s the difference between a ruble and an empty soda can?

An empty soda can is redeemable for cash.

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

Did you hear about the bird collector who didn't buy enough soda for his party?

His guests were disappointed that he only had Toucans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny can of soda say?

Fizz in me

Why are sodas mad after a basketball game?

Sierra missed

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

Why should people under 18 never drink soda?

Because they're A-rated beverages

(Aerated)

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

What did Dr. Pepper say when he got pulled over by the soda cops?

Oh no! It's the fizz!

I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...

...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink ...

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

How much soda can a tropical bird drink?

Tucans

What does the baking soda say when he gets sad?

I'm sodapressed.

Soda Pop Boyfriends

At their ten year high school reunion, Mary is seated with her old friend Jane.  Mary tells Jane about her husband who she has been with since high school.  Jane tells Mary that she never did marry but had plenty of boy friends and that she always named the boy friends after soda pops.  Really a...

I made an orange soda popsicle

It's Fanta-stick.

a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell

the bartender says why the long paws

Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps

But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere

What's the difference between a baby and a soda?

No one has the urge to shake a soda.

I had a job at the soda can factory.

It was soda pressing.

What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

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A dowdy housewife with a lisp slipped Viagra into her husband's soda.

As he was drinking it, he asked: honey, what's this soft drink called? She replied: that ithent a thoft dwink, it'th a hard dwink... I call it mount and do.

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink?

Pupsi

What is Soda’s favorite genre of music?

Pop

There was a kid in our class named Ed who always drank soda so we called him Fizz Ed

We later shortened it to Jim.

My best friend just placed an orange-flavored soda on my head

I think she has a Crush on me

A latino goes to buy soda for 75 cents, he puts 65

The machine reads ‘dime’ so he gets closer and whispers Pepsi

How much soda do you have to drink before it tastes like birds?

Toucans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most sexual soda?

Mount 'n Do

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,

Fanta sized really

The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league.

Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?

My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.

I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

I asked my friend why he stopped working his job of squishing soda cans at the recycling factory?

He said that it was soda pressing.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

My brother is an idiot. He's in hospital with a broken ankle because he tried gluing 3 cans of soda together and using them as stilts.

That'll teach him to get high on coke.

Soylent Cola, the soda made from grinding up people, is said to not have a set flavor

They say the taste varies from person to person.

where can’t you buy a large soda?

minnesota

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1985 Viagra began marketing it's own soda beverage

They called it Mount and Do.

Further more in 1986 the FDA decided it could no longer be called a *soft* drink.
Instead they labeled it a cock tail.

Me: *hits friend with a soda can*

Friend: Ouch! Why did you do that?

Me: Stop complaining, it was a soft drink afterall.

*insert Seinfield theme*

What State is best to visit for a small drink?

Mini Soda

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

If my man were a soda...

Three married black women are talking about their love lives with their husbands. They decide to assign each of their men a soda that represents them. The first lady says, "I'd call my man seven-up. 'Cause he's got seven inches and they're always up, up, up."
The second says, "I'd call my man Mo...

A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son walks in and says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three pet stores before I found one that sold toucans."

I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

This Thanksgiving I have no soda, and that makes me sad.

You could say I’m soda pressed

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

My apologies to the LDS community.

What do you call a group of singing idiots who only consume diet soda and Granny Smiths?

The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

Four beer execs

Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Miller and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.

Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness repl...

What kind of soda do the Guardians of the Galaxy drink?

Groot Beer!

I completely regret taking a class on the history of soda

Every quiz we've had has been a pop quiz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store.

After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient.

"Excuse m...

What does Monica Lewinsky and a soda machine have in common?

They both say "insert Bill here"

A water, a soda, and a beer walk into a bar

The bartender looks at the water and soda and says, "We don't serve your kind around here."

What state has the smallest sodas?

Minisoda



:)

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

Why would nobody like a soda machine as a politician?

Too self-serving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new soda with viagra in it

it's called Mount and Do

I've decided to get a PhD in how much soda you should have for the end of the world.

Dr. Prepper, at your service.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazis make soda?

They gas the juice.

I haven't been able to have any orange soda since my wife left me

It takes 2 to Tango

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