UPJOKE
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A couple is buying popcorn at the concession stand in the cinema...

Vendor: Do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?

Guy looks lovingly at his girlfriend and says: I want my popcorn like my girlfriend

Vendor: Dude, we don't sell ugly popcorn

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's Popcorn?"

I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call.

The short answer is no.

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What did the popcorn ask the sweet talker

Are you trying to butter me up?

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Colonel

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

Right before I die, i'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

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Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

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I like my sex like how I like my popcorn

covered in butter

What does kfc use to make its popcorn chicken?

Chicken colonels.

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

Two Russian soldiers and a Chechen soldier are discussing their invasion

"These people are really taking this so personally, but we are trying to help them!" says the first solder.

"Yes, I know! Even the women and children!" replies the next. "They gave me these sunflower seeds and told me I would grow beautiful flowers from my corpse. I couldn't believe it!"
<...

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Don’t mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods as well, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for his ball for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a...

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I couldn't understand why every apartment I've lived in had those ugly pebbly popcorn ceilings. It was baffling.

But then later I learned it was a way to muffle sounds coming from your upstairs and downstairs neighbors. It was baffling!

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

The turtle wanted to see an erotic movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

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What's the difference between porn and popcorn

pco.

Popcorn, ice, sand, water

is my bucket list. What's yours?

Dying me and popcorn.

[about to get the electric chair]

executioner: why would you choose this as your last meal

me: [eating another spoon full of unpopped popcorn kernels] you'll see

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

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Popcorn is the gayest snack...

Because you're eating busted nuts.

I wonder if the first person to pop popcorn suddenly had the urge to...

watch a movie.

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Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

What does Linus Torvalds get when he drops his popcorn?

Kernel panic.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

I tried sharing a bag of popcorn with a homeless guy recently

He told me to screw off and buy my own

What do emos and unsalted popcorn have in common?

They're both white and flavorless

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What did the popcorn get charged for?

A-salt & Buttery.

Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

They prefer to eat their fingers separately.

I’ve got a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck.

It’s called Quacker Jacks

The Popcorn Army is very similar to most other armies...

the main difference is the ranking system: everyone starts out as a Kernel.

I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

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The problem with sex in the movies is,

that the popcorn usually spills.

What’s the worst place to cook popcorn?

A retired veterans house.

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

What do you call pizza, pop, and popcorn?

An alliterated lunch.

What does popcorn and KFC have in common?

Greasy, old kernals

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Why is cheddar popcorn such a terrible joke?

It's both corny and cheesy.

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

Why did the old lady name her cat "Popcorn"?

Because she liked to put it in the microwave.

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

Before I die

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

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A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

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This ones eating my popcorn.

So a man and a woman decided to take in a movie one night, and it just so happens that on that same night a farmer has decided to sneak in one of his roosters from his farm.
After getting their snacks the couple head into the darkened auditorium, which is nearly full. there are only two seats le...

Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

The kernel was looking for him.

A guy was throwing popcorn at the back of my head in the cinema.

I turned around and said, "You and me...when this film finishes...let's sort this out."

He said, "OK then."

And then, when it was over, we cleared away all the popcorn like respectable men.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Why do Artificially Intelligent systems fear popcorn?

Kernel panic.

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

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At the movies last night, saw somebody get into an altercation with the guy working the popcorn machine.

Dude ended up getting charged for a salt and buttery.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Chocolate, icecream, cookies, mars bars, doritos, popcorn, milky ways, kit kats and lays!

i wrote this joke to reach a wider audience.

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

I stopped putting money in the collection plate at church.

*Not once* have I gotten my popcorn.

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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Did you hear about the horny dyslexic with a uniform fetish?

He bought popcorn.

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the ...

What starts with PO, ends with RN and goes great with TV?

Popcorn

The Story of a Man and his Chicken

Back in the before-times, people were allowed to go to these things called "movies". This one guy wanted to bring his pet chicken to one of these movies, but unbeknownst to him, chickens weren't allowed in the theater. So, distraught, the man headed home with his chicken.

But on the way, he w...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

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Splashed out and finally got a microwave oven. Its one of the really high tech ones.

Its got buttons and settings for all kinds of foods, even popcorn. Its got multiple power settings and a memory.

So I got a whole frozen chicken and popped it in. Pressed "Defrost", then "Chicken" then, "1.8 kgs".

The display showed 15 minutes and I pressed "Start".

Then the mi...

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A guy walks into a bar...

He strolls up to the bartender and says “I’ll take.......a pint of Guinness........and a bowl.....of popcorn.”

The bartender pours his beer and sets some popcorn in front of him. The gentlemen reaches for his beer, revealing that he is wearing two EXTREMELY large fake bear hands.

Curi...

Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?

Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff

Me: Oh my god, what stuff?

Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

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ALEX TREBEK: This accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics

**ME:** *(spraying a mouthful of popcorn)* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB?!

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

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A joke I heard from my grandmother

An old farmer went into to town to buy a cock (rooster) and some supplies. The supplies cost less than expected. With some extra cash and time on his hands, the farmer thought he would catch a movie at the local theater.
Arriving at the theater the farmer realized that he did not have a way to k...

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home?????

Wheres popcorn.

Sorry for the corny joke.

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I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop porn.

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A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie...

Now, that would be the absolute last laugh

I want to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels before I die. Imagine the reaction of the guy that works at the cremation center!!

I went to the Cinema yesterday...

...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.

As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."

The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

What starts with F and end in uck?

*Firetruck

What starts with p and ends with "orn"?




*popcorn!

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

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So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place.

He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, and make a nice chicken stew for dinner. On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. The woman at the box office sees the chicken ...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

A man has a chicken on his head

He goes to the movie theater and says, "I'd like 2 tickets please."

The kid at the booth says, "You can't bring your chicken in here."

So the man walks around the block and puts the chicken in his pants and returns to purchase his ticket.

While watching the movie the man procee...

What do you call a really high ranking snack?

A popcorn colonel.

I just burnt 400 calories.

I left the popcorn in the microwave for too long.

I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!

So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.

A girl is excited to finally go on a date...

... Her date picks her up and asks her what she would like to do. She says, "Weigh me." She they go inside and she weights 135. Then they have a great dinner. He then asks, "What would you like to do now?" She says, "Weigh me." They find a pay scale and she now weights 133. They go to a movie and ea...

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