Before I die

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

I’ve got a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck.

It’s called Quacker Jacks

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Im gonna ask my grand dad to swallow a whole bag of popcorn cernals before he dies.

The cremations gonna be lit!

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

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Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

The Popcorn Army is very similar to most other armies...

the main difference is the ranking system: everyone starts out as a Kernel.

A clown at the circus gave me some free popcorn.

That was a very kind jester.

I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

What do you call pizza, pop, and popcorn?

An alliterated lunch.

There was a bad accident at the Air Force base.

A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels.

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

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Eating popcorn is hella gay....

.....you're just swallowing a busted nut.

I tried sharing a bag of popcorn with a homeless guy recently

He told me to screw off and buy my own

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A couple take their son to the circus....

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father ...

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

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At the movies last night, saw somebody get into an altercation with the guy working the popcorn machine.

Dude ended up getting charged for a salt and buttery.

What does popcorn and KFC have in common?

Greasy, old kernals

What did baby corn say to momma corn?

where is popcorn?

Why is cheddar popcorn such a terrible joke?

It's both corny and cheesy.

A guy was throwing popcorn at the back of my head in the cinema.

I turned around and said, "You and me...when this film finishes...let's sort this out."

He said, "OK then."

And then, when it was over, we cleared away all the popcorn like respectable men.

I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling cause

it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.

what did the kid-corn say to the mom-corn

Wheres the popcorn

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A boy and his dad... and Bobo

A boy is at his dad's house, and just like every morning the dad cooks breakfast, sits down to eat and drink his coffee and read the morning paper. When he gets up the boy goes over and flips through the paper and sees an ad, Bobo the Clown is coming to town. He tells his dad "Dad! I wanna go see th...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

The kernel was looking for him.

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A guy walks into a bar...

He strolls up to the bartender and says “I’ll take.......a pint of Guinness........and a bowl.....of popcorn.”

The bartender pours his beer and sets some popcorn in front of him. The gentlemen reaches for his beer, revealing that he is wearing two EXTREMELY large fake bear hands.

Curi...

I went to the Cinema yesterday...

...I was buying popcorn, a drink and some sweets.

As I went to pay I said, "I'm ever so sorry, I've only got a £50 note."

The lady said, "That's ok, you can put the sweets back!"

Husband Gets A Shock When His Wife Tells Him This On Her Birthday. This Is Gold

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed.
watching his wife. who was looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be eight again'. she replied. still looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her ...

I was at the cinema and this couple were kissing in front of us, not even watching the movie. How wasteful can you be with your money!

So I threw my bag of popcorn at them.

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What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?

One is popcorn.

The other is cop porn.

Chicken joke

Farmer wants to go to the movies, but they won't let him bring in his pet chicken. He goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants,goes in and sits down next to two old ladies, Ethel and Ruth.

After the movie starts, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says,"this man next to me just un...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

A guy asks a girl to the carnival.

She says yes! So they meet up and head out for their date.

He wasn't the only one with this idea. There were so many people there that there were lines around the block to get in.

When they were finally admitted, they wanted to go on some rides. So they found the Ferris wheel line and ...

I took Blondie to the movies

Just as the movie was about to start, she got up to leave.
"Where are you going?" I whispered. "The movie is about to start."
"I have to go outside," she said.
"Why on Earth do you have to go outside right now?"
"The movie man said to silence my cell phone," she pointed at the screen....

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"

The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

...

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

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So, one fine day, a man is strolling through an open-air market place.

He stops at one of the live animal stalls and buys a chicken thinking that he will take it home, and make a nice chicken stew for dinner. On his way home he passes a theater that is showing a movie that he has been wanting to see and he decides to go in. The woman at the box office sees the chicken ...

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a little boy is being potty trained by his parents.

All starts going well except when in restaurant, the kid shouts "I need to pee!"

Embarrassed, the parents come up with a new idea. They tell their son "from now on, when you need to pee, just say you need to whisper". The son likes the idea. When he needed to go, he would say "Dad! I need to ...

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A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie...

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A guy goes to the cinema....

After doing a spot of shopping a guy decides to go the cinema, unfortunately for him he has just bought a pet tortoise and the cinema has a no pets policy. Not to be beaten the guy sticks the tortoise down the front of his pants and goes in to watch his film.

Just as the lights go down he unz...

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A Guy goes on a date to the movies

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked...

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A couple took their young son

for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. While his father was gone buying popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that at the other end."
"Oh, tha...

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Dave and Fred

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appea...

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New fish...

It's a guy's first day in prison and he's not taking to it very well. He's off in the corner with that thousand -yard stare, hugging himself and rocking back and forth.
An old timer takes pity on him and walks over.

"How ya' doin', Kid? Having a rough time I see."

"Yeah, well- lo...

I really hate candle shops.

When you walk in a mall, you can smell those stores fifty yards away. When you walk in the shop, you just get bombarded with s hundred fragrances and a migraine comes in and pounds you in the skull. And by the way, who needs a hundred different kinds of scents?! Popcorn scented candles?! Just buy a ...

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I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.

We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.

At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon ...

[NSFW] A man has a pet duck...

The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie

However, the theatre attendants forbid the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.

The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants.

He successfully makes it inside the cinema...

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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue. Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."

Fidel gets frustrated...

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the...

The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.

After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air. <...

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Sorry I'm shit faced

Why did the midget go swimming in the kitchen?
There were microwaves.

Sorry I was drunk making popcorn.

In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.

We had a power outage today...

...and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn't charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn't play golf and I couldn't fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and t...

Pet Duck

A man had a pet duck and he took it with him everywhere he went. He was just so attached to the duck.

One day he decided to go to the movies and in order to sneak the duck in, he hid it in his pants. He finally got to his seat and opened his fly so the duck could get some air.

The wo...

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What is your favorite "My dick is so big.." joke?

Mine is, "My dick is so big that, at the movie theater, popcorn comes in small, medium, large and my dick."

A man is on his way to the movie theater

When a goose starts following him. He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say "I'm sorry but you can't bring that goose in here." The man replies "it's been following me for the past mile and a half,...

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What's the difference between a theatre-snack muncher and a person who watches police sex scenes?

One likes popcorn, the other likes cop-porn.

A man and his chicken...

Once upon a time there was a man, lets call him George. Now George had a pet chicken, and he loved this chicken to death. He did everything with his chicken, he walked with it, he talked with it, he even bathed with it. One day George decided he wanted to go to the movies, and decided he would bring...