UPJOKE
puddingcakecustardsweetcheesecookiefruitice creamsugarpietartflandinnerconfectioncheesecake

Refusing dessert after eating Chinese food...

Will cost you a fortune.

What does a time traveler do when he wanted more dessert?

He goes back for seconds

Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

......He was stuffed

Today this guy I know only ate an expired dessert for lunch

It was a little off pudding

What's a turkey's favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler

What is a jewelers favorite dessert?

Carat Cake

I’ll see myself out, I just had to for my cake day .

What is the favourite dessert of Greek chickens?

BAWK-lava

/sorry

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

Today I start my new job waiting tables at a place called "Just Desserts"

Hope I serve them right.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 desserts?

You probably get Fat.

What? were you expecting a pi joke?

Not on my cake day!

What’s a russian dictators favorite dessert?

Bread Putin

There's a lot of bad jokes. Especially the one about the dessert thief

That one really takes the cake

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Dessert??

My wife made dessert with expired milk.

It was really off pudding.

My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores

Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal

In the buffet of life, friends are like dessert

You eat them last and they taste the best

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

Why can’t you hide from an Italian dessert?

You cannoli run.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Two Elderly Couples are Having Dinner…

Man #1: “We had dinner last week at this amazing restaurant. Four courses and a dessert that was heaven”

Man #2: “Sounds nice. What was the name of it?”

Man #1: “Oh jeez, my mind isn’t as good as it was, I’m drawing a blank. What’s the name of that flower with the thorns on it?”
...

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket.

He comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair, crying.
Alarmed, Olaf asks the woman what the matter is.

“I want to look at the puddings, but they are three steps down into the chiller cabinet”, she sobs. Her husband has wandered off down the aisle and isn’t any help.

“That’s no p...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on cake day anymore

Feeling desserted

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

Boo-berry pie!

What does an Australian ghost eat for dessert?

Boo meringue

What do you call a website where you pay to look at pictures of Spanish desserts?

OnlyFlans

Two Lawyers are sharing dessert

Two lawyers are sharing a dessert of a flourless chocolate tort. When the bill comes, one lawyer asks the other lawyer, "what's the damages"?

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

What did the Italian waiter say to the couple when he forgot their dessert?

"Affogato!"

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

What do cats have for dessert?

Mice Crispies

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

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A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

What's Hannibal Lecter's favourite dessert?

A Danish

What do you call a group of zealots who try to force people into eating their disgusting half made desserts?

The Flan-ish Inquisition

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

What battery makes the best dessert?

Lithi - yums

What did the French dessert say when it was leaving?

Bonbon voyage

I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want".

What does a Jedi on a budget eat for dessert?

Only one Cannoli

What's Darth Vader's favorite dessert?

Only one cannoli

Birthday dessert

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you...

What's a carpenter's favorite dessert flavor?

Plumb Jamb

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

What does a polygamist family have for dessert every week?

Birthday Cake

What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

What do you call someone who beats up dessert chefs?

Cobbler clobberer.

What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away? [OC AFAIK]

A Blue Meringue

Life is short, get desert.

(then it'll be shorter)



Edit:
Err ... dessert. always gets me!

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

What is the Italian man's, with short term amnesia, favourite dessert?

Affogato!

What’s Darth Vader’s favorite dessert?

*coooooo*

*kieeeee*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

What kind of dessert is the most fattening?

wedding cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ship wrecks onto a dessert island

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about wh...

My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

What did the thesaurus have for dessert?

A synonym bun.

Grammar is bringing dessert.

The synonym rolls are amazing

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I wasn't allowed to eat dessert tonight til after I masterbated...

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A Man is stranded on a dessert island with only a dog and a sheep for company...

After many months the man can't take it anymore and decides to have sex with the sheep but everytime he goes to do the deed the dog starts barking uncontollably and ruins the mood.
a few weeks later the man is walking along the beach when he comes across an absolutely gorgeous woman washed up on ...

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

What are Jehovah Witnesses' favorite dessert?

Hostess Ding Dongs!

Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?

Colleague: Affogato

Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What dessert do they serve in porn videos?

Hiscream

What do you call dough-based dessert items outside of a planet's atmosphere?

Spastries

What did the dessert do after filing for divorce?

She took custardy of the kids.

Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

What do Women's Studies majors like after dessert?

A tip

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

Where is bad dessert taken?

Into custard-y!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once put my dick in a dessert.

And I was fucking dis custard.

What's it called when you see desserts out of the corner of your eye?

Profiterole vision

What is a white knight's favorite dessert?

Marm'lady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

What do you call an island populated entirely by cakes?

Desserted!

What is Donald Trump's favorite dessert?

Vladimir Pudding ;)

5 years of cake day without posting a joke...

I mean, I feel I dessert to do it this time.

I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

I'm so disappointed. I bought dessert for a traditional German Christmas dinner.

But it was stollen.

What was Prince’s favorite dessert?

Raspberry Sorbet

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

What do you get when you cross dessert with a monkey?

A Meringueutan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

Why didn’t the Clemson football team get to have dessert?

Ice cream machine was broken.

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

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