Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

What’s a rat’s favourite dessert?

Chocolate Mousse Cake :)

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Tearinmyshoe

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day.

Feeling desserted.

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

What is a ghosts favorite kind of dessert?

Boo-berry pie!

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex referred to as a dessert?

because it ends in a creampie

What do you call a really awesome dessert?

Flantastic!

(reposted because the original said desert, darn autocorrect)

What did the Italian waiter say to the couple when he forgot their dessert?

"Affogato!"

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

No matter how much I love cake

I would never dessert you

What’s an inbred family’s favorite thanksgiving dessert?

Pump-kin pie.

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

What do you call a dessert that lets anyone eat it?

A pan-cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want".

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

What does a polygamist family have for dessert every week?

Birthday Cake

What do you call someone who beats up dessert chefs?

Cobbler clobberer.

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A Gorgeous Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexivel...

What's an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue.

What are Jehovah Witnesses' favorite dessert?

Hostess Ding Dongs!

What's Darth Vader's favorite dessert?

Only one cannoli

What do cats have for dessert?

Mice Crispies

What is a heavy metal musician's favorite dessert?

Ice cream!

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

My wife said I was overconfident by transporting Spanish desserts in the center console of my car. I didn't care.

But then the shift hit the flan.

What do humans and desserts have in common?

No one likes the very rich ones.

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

Reddit, no matter how much I love cake...

...I would never dessert you.

(Thanks Reddit for 4 years of fun facts, interesting stories, and new hobbies!)

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Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

Donald Trump's menu from Walter Reed has been leaked

He's eating just desserts

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed her sister in the woods?

She had cake for dessert.

What dessert do you eat at a zoo?

Tirami-zoo





I want to die

What kind of dessert comes out of a musical volcano?

Bach Lava

Why can't you starve in the dessert?

Because of all the Sandwiches there...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson.

This is what he said. "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And ...

My grandma made me my favorite dessert, strudel.

Unfortunately I couldn't eat it since it was stollen.

What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away? [OC AFAIK]

A Blue Meringue

Donald and Melania Trump walk into a restaurant

They sit at a table and peruse the menu, and the waiter comes over.

“Good afternoon, can I take your order please?”

“Can I have the chocolate fudge dessert, and Melania will have the sorbet”

“Just desserts Mr President?”

“Yes, Just Desserts”

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

What kind of dessert is the most fattening?

wedding cake

What do you call dough-based dessert items outside of a planet's atmosphere?

Spastries

Conspiracy Theory

Mom: "Junior, you're going to have to eat your peas or no dessert."

Junior: "That's a conspiracy theory."

Mom: "Where on earth did you hear that?"

Junior: "Dad says that a conspiracy theory is when someone says something that you don't like!"

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

What did the thesaurus have for dessert?

A synonym bun.

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A ship wrecks onto a dessert island

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.
After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about wh...

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What dessert do they serve in porn videos?

Hiscream

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day after dessert, Marvin and Ethel meet in their spot at the back of the nursing home and they start to kiss.

Progressively, their kissing gets more and more intense. And since Marvin is a very desirable man among the other elderly ladies, Ethel has to make their sessions interesting so he doesn’t leave her. So, every day Ethel will slide her hand down Marvin’s torso and grab his penis and she will leave he...

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert?

It has a lot of a-peel.

(I tell this one at work all the time 😝)

Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?

Colleague: Affogato

Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party?

It was very off pudding.

Grammar is bringing dessert.

The synonym rolls are amazing

What did the dessert do after filing for divorce?

She took custardy of the kids.

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

What is the Italian man's, with short term amnesia, favourite dessert?

Affogato!

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Hawaiian sex act, and coincidentally, my favorite dessert?

Coconut cream pie

What’s Darth Vader’s favorite dessert?

*coooooo*

*kieeeee*

What's it called when you see desserts out of the corner of your eye?

Profiterole vision

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

What is a white knight's favorite dessert?

Marm'lady

My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska.

Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

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I wasn't allowed to eat dessert tonight til after I masterbated...

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

What is a satyrs favorite dessert?

Pan-an Cotta

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

What is Ben Sharpiro's favorite dessert?

Lib-tarts.

What is Donald Trump's favorite dessert?

Vladimir Pudding ;)

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

I'm so disappointed. I bought dessert for a traditional German Christmas dinner.

But it was stollen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched a cooking show the other day and the dessert they served was quite unsettling. It consisted of a female prostitute that had been hung, drawn and quartered...

They called it a Deconstructed Tart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A Man is stranded on a dessert island with only a dog and a sheep for company...

After many months the man can't take it anymore and decides to have sex with the sheep but everytime he goes to do the deed the dog starts barking uncontollably and ruins the mood.
a few weeks later the man is walking along the beach when he comes across an absolutely gorgeous woman washed up on ...

I tried making dessert, but I only had sour milk.

It was quite off pudding.

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

What type of ape smells like French dessert?

Meringueutan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew and an American are on a train together. (Sorry for a possibly incorrect or missing flair, I can't flair for some reason)

The American has lots of food. Burgers as the main course, coca cola as the drink, and Twinkies for dessert. The jew has very little food, just some dried fish.



The jew tells the American: "You should give me your burgers and other food in exchange for my fish. It contains phosphorus ...

Walter and Agnes have been married for 50 years.

They’ve had a beautiful life together, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve become more forgetful. Walter even went to play a round of golf the other day and forgot his clubs!

Agnes decided it was time to go to the doctor and see if anything could be done about their memory problems. The doct...

Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

What do Women's Studies majors like after dessert?

A tip

What was Prince’s favorite dessert?

Raspberry Sorbet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys plan to swear in front of their mom.

After dinner, the mother asks her sons what they want for dessert. The first and eldest son says "I want some goddamn ice cream!" The mother spanks the boy and sends him to his room with no dessert. She then asks the second boy what he wants for dessert, and he tells her "I want some goddamn ice cr...

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I once put my dick in a dessert.

And I was fucking dis custard.

what did the robot order at the take away place?

computer chips with a dessert of raspberry pi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Ajit Pai's Favorite Dessert?

A Shit Pie

What was Romeo and Juliet's just dessert?

Cantaloupe.

What do you get when you cross dessert with a monkey?

A Meringueutan

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?

Because it was already stuffed, guys!

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the...

I walked into a muslim dessert place

...they served a pretty good Apple pie A-llah-mode.

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