A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

What does the cannibal get when he’s late for dinner

The cold shoulder

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

What Does a White Woman Make For Dinner?

Reservations

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The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"



She said, "Yes and No."

Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during a dinner and all the other guests have to pretend nothing happened

Noble gases are supposed to have no reaction

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.

In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in thi...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents.

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"

"Five," replies the boy.

"And where will you live?" asks the mother.

"Well," says the boy, "Janie...

Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t e...

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Women: You never take me out to dinner

=Sorry, but i don't go out with married women.

-But, i am your wife

=Sorry no exceptions

If you ever have dinner with a urologist, make sure you spend as much or more money on the food as he does.

They always prefer to split the deferens.

What do you call a dinner with someone you met in tumblr?

FedEx

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws th...

I can’t get a dinner reservation anywhere today

Everyone and their mom must be out

A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .

. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.

He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his...

What do plants eat between lunch and dinner?

A light snack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they ...

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I had a pig for dinner

We shared the dessert.

What do mountains do at dinner time?

They avalunch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proce...

A guy takes a girl out to dinner. She finishes her food and is still hungry.

So he gives her his peas. After dinner, she gives him herpes.

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

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An elderly couple is having a dinner with their family.

"This is so wonderful, it really warms my heart," the old lady says.

Her husband replies, "No wonder, your left tit is hanging in your soup."

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a Jewish penis and a dinner with Trump have in common?

You won't find a tip at the end.

What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?

Two alligators coming to dinner.

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”

​

The little gi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 6 year old little boy was sitting at the dinner table with his family.

He had never spoken his entire life, despite years of speech-therapy and other efforts from his parents.

He starts eating his dinner, suddenly stops, and looks right at his mom.

“You burnt the fucking beans”. He said

His parents couldn’t believe their ears.

“Johnny!! Yo...

Dinner time

A woman is preparing dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into a friends house. By the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to h...

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

My girlfriend left me after dinner.

You could say I FedEx.

What do cannibals call it when they have a blonde for dinner?

Barbie-Q

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night my wife served me something for dinner that was so foul

I gave it to the dog and he licked his arse to get the taste out of his mouth

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

What do you call a cannibalistic dinner party?

The Donner Party

This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?


IMPASTA!

What did the epileptic eat for dinner?

Seizure salad

(yes, I'll roast in hell for this one)

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

A man who is well-known for overindulging at elaborate dinners is feeling abdominal pain and goes to his doctor. He asks, "Doc, is it my appendix?"

The doctor replies "No, I think it is more like your table of contents."

At the dinner table, mother shows the new lie detector she bought.

Mother: "Look, this device buzzes whenever it senses a lie"

Father: "Wow! Lets see! Hey son, what did you do today?"

Son: "Uhmm, I went to school."

*BUZZ*

Mother: "Ooh, you didn't go to class? Then what did you do?"

Son: "Alright, I watched a movie with a few frien...

What did the director say when his dinner arrived?

That's a wrap.

A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

What do you call having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Regret

Two cannibals are having dinner together

The man says “I really hate my mother in law” The woman says “Then try the patatoes”

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

What did the Frenchman with bad allergies say when he had to leave the dinner party?

My sincerest apologies but I bid you all ACHOO.

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family was coming over for dinner.

So I went to get a chicken out of the freezer when my husband walked up and scared me i turned and knocked him out with a chicken to the forehead.
.
.
.
I guess you could say he got cold-cocked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband a wife are having dinner

A husband a wife are having dinner.

The wife says, "honey, I have two very important things I need to tell you. First, I've been cheating on you. Second, I'm bisexual. I discovered I'm also attracted to women."

The man is shocked, and pauses to take it all in. He feels betrayed, bu...

Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”?

The hubby says “what's my choices?”

The wife says Yes or No.

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kid just told us this joke during dinner..

Kid: Hmmmm.. not sure if this is sexist but.. how do you remember your wife's birthday?

By forgetting it once.

Post Malone and his family went out for dinner, while his sister was the only person left in the house. When they came back, they found out the neighbours had started referring to her as a promiscuous woman.

After all, she was Ho Malone.

One night my family was having dinner

We were having something Mexican but we had a box of white cheddar cheese itz, we always have some sort of chips or crackers.

My brother had a plate of just rice and he was putting the cheese itz on the rice. I was super confused until he said

“Hey Zack, have you heard in our lord and ...

What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.

Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

What’s something you can say at the dinner table and in the bedroom?

Grandma put your dentures back in... sorry reddit

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

what do you serve a bee for dinner?

hum burgers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time

While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.

"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.

"I did it last monday," said the girl.

And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
...

Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

Accidently burned dinner on the grill.

Missteaks were made.

What do you call an all-u-can-eat shrimp dinner?

Overkrill.

5 years ago I asked a beautiful girl for dinner.Today i asked her to marry me

She said no both times

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl are you a TV Dinner?

Because you look fucking disgusting.

Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his peni...

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a lit...

Two vampires are having dinner at a restaurant.

One of them was rich; the other extremely poor.


The rich vampire ordered for the freshest and finest bottle of blood, and then asked the poor vampire for his order so he could treat him.


The poor vampire refused and ordered for a glass of hot water instead.


"You know...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

Mary needed veggies for dinner...

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making ...