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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas

She gives him herpes

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer have dinner together

Ted: hey Jeff you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey: nah, only Ben and jerry

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.

His family sits down to eat and he knows both of his kids are picking eaters so he doesn’t tell them what it is. As they eat the kids keep asking what it is they’re eating. Finally the dad says “it’s what your mother sometimes calls me” The first kid looks up at the other as yells “spit it out it’s ...

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something....

“Witherspoon?”












No with her knife!!!!

Two Karens are out having dinner

The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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I had dinner in a Greek restaurant yesterday

Food was shit but the plates were smashing.

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Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin...

After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”.

He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick.

After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and ...

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A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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So I work at a horse farm and somehow one day at dinner we got on the topic of how big one of the mules dick is.

My father looks me dead in the eye and with a straight face says that’s why your mother calls me an ass all the time

What do cannibals call it when they are roasting a blonde for dinner?

A Barbie Q.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

I was invited to a dinner the other night.

The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."

I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free rang...

What happened when the cannibal was late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

As we were sitting down for dinner, my girlfriend told me, “I think we need to see other people... For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.”

I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”

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A guy takes his wife to a fancy company dinner.

He proceeds to get very drunk and then blacks out.

The next morning, he asks his wife what happened.

"You got wasted and acted like an ass. Your bossed was very angry with you," she said.

"Well, piss on him!" the man grumbled.

"You did," she replied, "and he fired you."...

Why did the moon skip dinner?

It was full

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

What do you call 2 broadway shows going out for dinner?

Play date.

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

My wife asked if I'd like meatloaf for dinner

I told her I'd do anything for dinner, but I won't do that.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Mother of my girlfriend invited me to dinner at their house

On the question: "What is your favourite food?", "your daughter" is wrong answer.

A man is watching the news while his blonde wife is cooking dinner.

On the news, a reporter stated that five Brazilian men tragically died in a skydiving accident.

The husband says, “Hey honey, have you seen this?”

The woman comes over and looks at the TV. She instantly breaks into heavy tears, bawling.

The husband, surprised, says, “Well honey...

Bayern Munich won't need breakfast, lunch, or dinner tommorow, because they

8-2 much.

Went to dinner last night at a lovely restaurant in Bristol, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn’t have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

So I brought my girlfriend Emily to meet my parents over dinner...

...It smelled like a pretty good meal I was getting the table ready, you know, setting up plates and forks and all that stuff. We all sat down and got ready to eat and Emily asked if anyone wanted to pray before we started eating.

Now, none of us were religious, but me, not wanting to let he...

How do you make a Dinner party awkward?

Change the “i” into an “o.”

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

How did Hannibal Lecter overseason his dinner?

He just had too much thyme on his hands.

Why don’t Jedi parents let their kids use the Force at the dinner table?

Like any other parents, they believe children should not be Force-fed.

I had some uncooked pasta for dinner yesterday

It was an all-round solid meal

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

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A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner

The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time.
...

I was in Gotham the other day and had dinner with Mr Freeze...

...hes not much of a conversationalist though, all he did was give me the cold shoulder

A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

... a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

Once ...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges all the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

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To teach my two children about politics, I let them choose what we would have for dinner.

They picked two different shitty fast food joints, and then spent an hour arguing about which to choose. They never picked anything and we went to bed hungry.

My sister made 44 cupcakes with an assortment of red, white, and blue frosting for an Independence Day dinner.

"Why 44?" I asked her. "Because that's the number of real presidents this country has actually had?"

(This actually just happened.)

What kind of friend should you always take to dinner with you?

Your taste buds

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.

In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.

"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restau...

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

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While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

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At the conclusion of world war 2, the leaders of France and the United States had a dinner party.

During the pre-dinner small talk, president Truman's wife Bess asks Charles De Gaulle's wife Yvonne, "Now the war is over, what is your greatest wish?"

Yvonne thinks for a moment and responds, "All zat I want is a penis!"

Silence falls over the table. Then De Gaulle pipes up, "Non, ma ...

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Last night for Fathers Day I drove home from college to have dinner with my dad...

He asked me if I had chosen a major and I said yes, that I'm learning about agriculture and domestic animal husbandry.

"Have they taught you about roosters yet?"

Actually, yes, it came up in my poultry farming class.

"How many legs does a black rooster have?"

Two, I answe...

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

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An elderly couple goes out for dinner to the same restaurant they'd had their first date at 50 years before...

They have a little wine and grow tipsy. The lady asks her husband, "Do you remember what happened the first time you took me to this restaurant?"

"Yes," the old guy says with a wink. "I took you out back and made love to you up against the back fence."

She takes another sip of wine. "I...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Due to covid-19, I am not able to have a wonderful wagyu steak dinner at a restaurant for my anniversary

Usually it's due to the lack of money.

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

Why couldn't Anakin Skywalker pay for dinner?

Because his master card got denied.

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people who lie, when he gets home for dinner he decides to test it out.

He asks his son what he did this afternoon,

The son says "I went to friends house and did homework." The robot slapped him.

"Ok, I lied. We watched a movie." he sheepishly said.

"What movie?" asked the father.

"Toy Story." The son answered and was again slapped by the r...

My girlfriend had dinner with Bill Cosby last night

He bought the food she covered the drinks.

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

Five years ago, I asked the girl I love out for dinner.

Today, I asked her to marry me.

Shame she said no both times...

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

What did the cannibal's wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

Winner winner chicken dinner

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"There's a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until yo...

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

An Asian couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After a wonderful dinner with family and friends they're back home reminiscing when the wife suddenly turns to the husband with an eyebrow raised suggestively and says "Since it our 50th anniversary, tonight we do whatever you want."

"Anything?" he asks. "Anything!" she replies. The man thinks for a long time then gives her a devilish look and says, "I want 69." The wife looks bewildered. "You want Beef & Broccoli now?!"

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Dinner time

My girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis and asked what i was doing. Apparently heating your dinner was not the right answer

Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....

She gave me her peas...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

A group of elderly couples are at a dinner party,

and after the meal the men and women move into different rooms. In the men’s group, Steve is talking about a fantastic Italian restaurant he and his wife like to go to. Intrigued, John asks for the name of the place.

“My memory is not as good as it used to be.”, Steve replies. “What is the n...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

What is it called when you steal a rich person's dinner rolls?

Highfalutin gluten lootin'

What’s white and disrupts dinner?

An avalanche.

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A husband and wife are at the table eating dinner.

The husband asks the wife, “Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have any feet?”

The wife, surprised by this weird question replied, “No, obviously not.”

The husband, expecting this answer from his wife cunningly asks, “Then why the fuck do you wear a bra?”

At dinner, a lady turns to the woman next to her...

and says: “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”

“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”

“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”

“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
<...

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

If i could have dinner with anyone alive or dead...

I would. Im very lonely

I asked my grandpa why he put on his glasses to go get our dinner.

He said he was going to a contact-less drive thru.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

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A family was having dinner when the topic of sex came up.

Teenage son: I know sex feels good for both people but does it feel better for the man or woman?

Mom replies: What feels better, an itchy ear or your pinky finger?

Dinner

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a rest- aurant. S...

Why did no one laugh when queen farted at the dinner table?

Because noble gasses cause no reaction

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

At dinner,

Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?

Me: Probably like 90%.

D: So it's 10% balls?

Me: *spits out food*

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

I wanted to make a nice herby chicken dish for dinner but scratched my plans

I didn't have the thyme for it

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What can you say before dinner and after sex?

'You can put your dentures back in, grandma'

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Little Billy is out fishing with his dad

When a butterfly lands on the boat and Billy smashes it. The dad exclaims “That’s it! No butter for you all week!”

A week passes by and they are out fishing again when a honeybee lands on the boat. Smash! Little Billy kills the bee. “That’s it!” The dad yells “Now no honey for you for a wee...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi"

"Why him?"

"More food for me"

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

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Decided I’d make the wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it’s fucking done

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

I didn't believe my wife when she could make a delicious dinner out of an electric eel.

But when I tried it, I was shocked!

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears ...

What happens when your dinner table catches the coronavirus?

It turns into a coughy table.

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in france a dinner jacket is le smoking

a track suit is le jogging. a camp site is le camping. a bowling alley is le bowling. that they call their swimming pools la pissing is why i've never been able to trust them

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

Two cannibals are eating dinner

One says, "I hate my mother in law."

The other replies, " Well, just eat your noodles then."

Putin and Trump were having dinner together

The waiter came to take their order.

Waiter: "What can I get for you tonight?"

Putin: "I will have the sirloin steak medium rare."

Waiter: "And for the vegetable?"

Putin: "The vegetable will also have the sirloin steak medium rare"

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A family were having dinner...

All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:

"grandpa is going to die"

Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.

The next day, the family is having dinner again, an...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invited my premature-ejaculation support group over to my house for dinner...

...but they came a lot earier than expected, typical!

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