A canibal shows up late to a dinner

He ended up getting the cold shoulder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

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What is sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proce...

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .

. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.

He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

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A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

My six year old son told me a joke at dinner tonight and I absolutely loved it.

Son: "Knock, knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Son: "A chicken"

Me: " "A chicken who?"

Son *interrupting*: "Pew pew pew pew pew!"

Me: .................?

Him: "Get it?! Like it's shooting eggs at you!"

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?

Two alligators coming to dinner.

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...

...he gives her his peas and she gives him herpes

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

A man who is well-known for overindulging at elaborate dinners is feeling abdominal pain and goes to his doctor. He asks, "Doc, is it my appendix?"

The doctor replies "No, I think it is more like your table of contents."

What did the director say when his dinner arrived?

That's a wrap.

What did the epileptic eat for dinner?

Seizure salad

(yes, I'll roast in hell for this one)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple goes to dinner

A married couple goes to dinner at a fancy restaurant and are soon escorted to a table for two.

The waiter runs through the specials and then proceeds to take their orders

Waiter: May I take your order ma'am?

Wife: Yes I'll have the chicken please.

Waiter: Fine choice...

Two cannibals are having dinner together

The man says “I really hate my mother in law” The woman says “Then try the patatoes”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family was coming over for dinner.

So I went to get a chicken out of the freezer when my husband walked up and scared me i turned and knocked him out with a chicken to the forehead.
.
.
.
I guess you could say he got cold-cocked

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Eating cereals for dinner.

It's the breakfast of tomorrow, today!

A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

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A husband a wife are having dinner

A husband a wife are having dinner.

The wife says, "honey, I have two very important things I need to tell you. First, I've been cheating on you. Second, I'm bisexual. I discovered I'm also attracted to women."

The man is shocked, and pauses to take it all in. He feels betrayed, bu...

What do you call having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Regret

What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

Yesterday evening i had fish for dinner,

When i was rudely asked to leave petsmart.

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

One night my family was having dinner

We were having something Mexican but we had a box of white cheddar cheese itz, we always have some sort of chips or crackers.

My brother had a plate of just rice and he was putting the cheese itz on the rice. I was super confused until he said

“Hey Zack, have you heard in our lord and ...

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Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”?

The hubby says “what's my choices?”

The wife says Yes or No.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad puts a deer in the oven for dinner but doesn’t tell his children what they’re having...

Kids: Dad what are we having for dinner?

Dad: It’s what your mom calls me...

Kids: DON’T EAT IT, ITS A FUCKING DICK!

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?

He got the cold shoulder.

​

yes, im a dad.

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kid just told us this joke during dinner..

Kid: Hmmmm.. not sure if this is sexist but.. how do you remember your wife's birthday?

By forgetting it once.

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

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A family sits at the dinner table.

Son: "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."

Dad: "..."

Other son: "Dad, I'm also gay."

Dad: "Isn't there anyone who likes girls anymore?

Daughter: "Yes, me."

Secret to a happy marriage is to go out for dinner twice a week, to flirt and have fun.

Wife goes on Mondays, I go on Fridays

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

Post Malone and his family went out for dinner, while his sister was the only person left in the house. When they came back, they found out the neighbours had started referring to her as a promiscuous woman.

After all, she was Ho Malone.

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

what do you serve a bee for dinner?

hum burgers

What’s something you can say at the dinner table and in the bedroom?

Grandma put your dentures back in... sorry reddit

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his peni...

Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

Accidently burned dinner on the grill.

Missteaks were made.

What do you call an all-u-can-eat shrimp dinner?

Overkrill.

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,...

.. taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across ...

Katie O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Katie, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Mr. Finnegan but, where is my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Katie. I’m afraid to say it- there was a terrible accident down at the brewery as we were wor...

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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

5 years ago I asked a beautiful girl for dinner.Today i asked her to marry me

She said no both times

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American was invited to a Royal dinner in England

He was placed to the left of a very old, very fat Grand Duchess, with an elderly English Baron sat on her right. During the soup course, the Duchess farted. The Englishman, taking chivalrous responsibility, said "I beg your pardon."

During the fish course, the Duchess farted again, louder tha...

I cut some hair off the front of my wife's head and took it to dinner

because I wanted to go out with a bang

A man and his wife were talking over dinner...

"Wife, I wish we could go back to how we were in the past.." he said whilst laying his hand on top of hers. She looked at him with a genuine smile, eyes beaming. Her husband continued: "..back to where we didn't know each other!".

- Credits to my mom who dropped this one before we went to sle...

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a lit...

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Damn girl are you a TV Dinner?

Because you look fucking disgusting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day I was in a restaurant having dinner with my Wife..

I had ordered soup for an appetizer, and when the waitress brought the soup out, she had her thumb in it. I thought well this is weird.

Ordered the Alfredo Chicken and when that lady brought out my entree, her thumb was in it again!

Getting a little frustrated, my wife was able to co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

Why did the Native American miss dinner?

Because he lost his Reservations.

Mary needed veggies for dinner...

but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over. She sent a text to her husband.
"Honey please don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you."

Paul, her husband replied, "Who is Priscilla?"

"Nobody, I was just making ...

How will Christmas Dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.

My son used herbs and spices for dinner tonight...

I told him to stop as he's not a seasoned professional

My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

I'm so disappointed. I bought dessert for a traditional German Christmas dinner.

But it was stollen.

What's for dinner?

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better i...

Two vampires are having dinner at a restaurant.

One of them was rich; the other extremely poor.


The rich vampire ordered for the freshest and finest bottle of blood, and then asked the poor vampire for his order so he could treat him.


The poor vampire refused and ordered for a glass of hot water instead.


"You know...

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A English man goes for dinner in a Spanish city

As he's sitting browsing the menu, he notices a man across from him recieves his meal, a large seared juicy looking ball of meat. The man asks the Maître d "What is that man eating" the waiter replies "That is the victory special, a rosted and broilled bull testicle from the weekly bull fight, unfor...

Why couldn't Anakin pay for dinner?

His Master card was denied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time

While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.

"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.

"I did it last monday," said the girl.

And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
...

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So I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's annual awards dinner. When I asked them what the dress code was...

They told me just to come in my pants.

Christmas Dinner

What never eats at Christmas dinner? The turkey! Its stuffed!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

Friend: I invited Rob to dinner tonight!

Me: Which Rob? Cannibal Rob or Rob who can't spell?

(Text from Rob): Can't wait to meat you guys tonight!

Friend: I'm not sure...

Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

If combining your breakfast and lunch is called brunch. What is combining your breakfast, lunch, and dinner called?

It's called being poor.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

My wife cooks dinner for me. She treats me like a god....

....Everything is either burnt offerings or a bloody sacrifice.

A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.

She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study. There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.

“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.

“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru. We foug...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
...

A guy walks into a bar and order dinner and a beer.

"It's good to get out and eat for once. When I eat at home the food is always so cold and bland," he tells the bartender. "Why is that?" the bartender asks. "I don't know," the guy replies. "I'm guessing because my wife really puts her heart and soul into cooking for me."

What do leftover Thanksgiving dinner and overcoming an addiction have in common?

They both involve cold turkey.

Babies are like the total opposite of a complicated dinner recipe

It’s more fun to make one than it is to eat one.

A truck driver had stopped for dinner at a cafe in a small town

Some of the regulars there noticed him and began sniffing the air.

"I smell nerd," said a regular to the truck driver. "Are you a nerd?"

The truck driver nervously said, "No, I'm not a nerd. Why?"

Another regular said, "Because around here we shoot nerds."

"Yeah," said ...

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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend came over for dinner last night. He was eating and said “hey I found a button in my salad!”

I told him not to worry, it’s just part of the dressing

A father and his three young daughters sat down to have dinner.

A few minutes into the meal, the oldest daughter looked up and asked the father, "Dad, why was I named Rose?"

"Because when you were born, a rose drifted down out of nowhere and landed on your forehead," he answered.

Intrigued, the middle daughter then asked, "Then why was I named Lily...

Last night for dinner, we had frozen fish.

It wasn't very well thawed out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Italian dinner

Sitting at dinner, an Italian father looks at his three grown sons.

He asks the oldest, Mario, "Mario, why are you-a so fat?"

Mario responds, "Papa, Mama's spaghetti is just-a so good, I eat-a way too much!"

Papa spreads his hands vertically and claps them together, and says "Ma...

A traveller has dinner at a monastery.

A traveller was walking through the mountains when he came across a great monastery, he was far from a town and so knocked on it's doors seeking shelter.

A monk came out and greeted him and the traveller asked for a place to stay for the night.

"Certainly" replied the monk "But first, ...

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gestu...

I ate a salad for dinner!

It was mostly tomatoes and croutons.

Really just one, big round crouton covered in tomato sauce.

And cheese.

... I had a pizza.

Why was the business dinner at the Indian restaurant a failure?

Because they had a naan starter.

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN