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Dinner Jokes

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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A dyslexic son asked his mum if he can have some McDonald’s for dinner.

He’s mum said ok, but only if he can spell out McDonald’s.
The son replied: Fuck it, I’ll just have some KCF!

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"

So I took her to Subway.

And that's how the fight started.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner

After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

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A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words w...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Dinner date

After a fancy dinner date, a young couple was walking back to their car, a beautiful Porsche Boxster. Upon arriving they realize that they have found themselves locked out as they left the keys inside the vehicle.

The man says to his date “hand me one of your hair pins, straighten it out and ...

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

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Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….

….’How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

A premature ejaulator went to a dinner party.

He didn't know what to wear, so he just came in his pants

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

Two older couples decide to go out for dinner.

The two husbands sit in the front seat, and the two wives in the rear. The driver asks "Where should we go"? The other gentleman says "We had some great fish the other day". "Where was that?" comes the reply. The passenger gets a confused look on his face. He thinks for a bit and says "Give me the n...

What's does nuclear radiation specialist have for dinner?

Fission chips!

What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?

Peas and quiet.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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Anniversary dinner date

For their 1st wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because they had never been there before.

For their 10th wedding anniversary, Barbara and Teddy went to dinner at Chez Francois because it had a world-class bartender who made the best signature cocktails....

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A married couple invites some friends over for dinner...

...while the wife is preparing food and talking with the other women the husband chats with the male guests. During conversation, the husband asks his wife: "Honey, do you remember the name of that place we went last summer?" The wife promptly answers. Few minutes later' the husband calls his wife a...

What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?

Breakfast and lunch.


I'll show myself out now

My wife called me at the bar. Said if I was not home in ten minutes, she was feeding my dinner to the dog

I was home in five. I love that dog too much to see harm come to him.

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

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Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

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Family is at the dinner table

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Two Elderly Couples are Having Dinner…

Man #1: “We had dinner last week at this amazing restaurant. Four courses and a dessert that was heaven”

Man #2: “Sounds nice. What was the name of it?”

Man #1: “Oh jeez, my mind isn’t as good as it was, I’m drawing a blank. What’s the name of that flower with the thorns on it?”
...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

What does the cannibal get when he’s late for dinner

The cold shoulder

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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

Rabbit Dinner

I made up this one-liner at dinner the other night. I guarantee it’s not original, but I’ve never heard it before….True Story BTW

I was in Italy with my girlfriend visiting her parents and they had a rabbit for dinner. I looked at her mother and said there is a hare on your plate.

What do you call two foodies that go out to dinner together?

Taste buds!

Dinner at Grandma's

A while ago, I went to my grandma's house for dinner. As I was there, she was preparing a rather odd dish. She was taking green onions and covering them with thinly sliced beef. Unfortunately, she was having a hard time keeping the beef and the onions together, so she tied them with a ribbon she ...

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What do you call having a prostitute before dinner?

A hors d’oeuvre.

I was going to cook alligator for dinner

But then I realized I only have a croc pot

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I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner.

I asked what the dress code was and they just said to come in my pants.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...

... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.


"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math que...

So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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Holiday Dinner

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Je...

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

What did the thanksgiving giving dinner say when the cook opened the oven?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

I had dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.

He cooked Stu

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

“Wow, that’s impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”

"Oh, I know"...

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

What did the teddy bear have for dinner?

Nothing he was stuffed

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

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