UPJOKE
mealbanquetbreakfastlunchrepasteveningluncheonsupperbrunchfeastrestaurantbuffetdessertdinediner

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

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What’s the difference between an informal dinner event and a pirate having sex?

One you come as you are, the other you arrrr as you come

A working man would come home after a week of hard work, so his wife thought that she could suprise him with a mighty dinner

So she gutted a chicken and threw it's intestines in the toilet. When the husband came home they had a great dinner and ate themselves full. After the dinner the husband stood up and said "excuse me, I need to go to the toilet" after a while the husband came back pale white a soaked with sweat. The ...

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...

dead."

My wife has this weird ocd where she rearranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought

Its an extremely rare dish-order

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

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O'Connor's wife is home making dinner as usual when O'Brien, one of her husband's co-workers at the Guinness factory, arrives at her door.

"Grace, may I come in?" O'Brien asks. "I've somethin’ to tell ya".

"Of course. But where's Paddy?"

"That’s what I'm here to be telling ya, Grace", says O'Brien. "There was an accident down at the brewery…"

"Oh, God no!" cries Grace. “What's happened?"

"I'm sorry but Paddy...

What happened to the cannibal when he was late to a dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

Two Elderly Couples are Having Dinner…

Man #1: “We had dinner last week at this amazing restaurant. Four courses and a dessert that was heaven”

Man #2: “Sounds nice. What was the name of it?”

Man #1: “Oh jeez, my mind isn’t as good as it was, I’m drawing a blank. What’s the name of that flower with the thorns on it?”
...

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

To impress my date I ordered my whole dinner in French.

Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant.

I asked my dad what's for dinner and he said Bison...

And then he walked out the door and never came home.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

This guy was finishing his dinner at a restaurant...

...and the waiter said "How did you find your steak sir?" The guy said "By accident. I moved my baked potato and there it was."

made a Hawaiian pizza for dinner and burnt it to a crisp

Should have cooked it aloha temperature..

Spartacus and his wife are enjoying a nice dinner with friends when

Out of nowhere a lion leaps onto the table and swallows his wife whole!

Horrified, his friends shout "Spartacus, your wife was just eaten by a lion! Why didn't you do something?"

Shocked Spartacus says "Do something? I was gladiator."

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Why do Australians, when they go out to dinner, always talk about chess?

Seriously! They always ask for the checkmate, and it’s starting to piss me off.

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

I was a little late with my dog’s dinner last night.

Yeah…he gave me a negative “yelp” review.

Years ago I went to dinner with Stephen Seagal

Never again. He kept stealing my fries.

My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"

"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"

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What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?

That was great! I'm stuffed!

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was Chewie.

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

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Dinner etiquette

Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kep...

I had dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.

He cooked Stu

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

Man and woman are out on a dinner date.

Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"

Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."

Waiter: "Of course."

Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."

Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."

Man: "That makes sense."

Waiter: "And for you, si...

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

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(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

I was going to have alligator for dinner,

But then I realised I only had a croc pot!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner.

When the time came to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

Why did the moon skip dinner?

Because it was full.

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I think the wife's doing a salad for dinner tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

Canibal: am I late for dinner?

Cook: I'm afraid you are. Everybody's eaten!

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

The genie said," You could choose five".

“Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty”

Grandfather replied: “there as clean as cold water can get ‘em”

Next day:

“Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?”

Grandpa: “cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get”

“Alright, whatever you say”
...

I cooked dinner last night.

It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .

It was meaty okra.

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

Two cannibals go on a dinner date

The drinks are good, the conversation is great.

When the waiter comes to the table one says to the other, "I don't know about you, but I'm having a ball."

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

Worm 1: "what's for dinner tonight"

Worm 2: "Meatloaf..."

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The family's sitting at dinner when little Billy asks an outrageous question,

"Momma," asks Billy, "can you really suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?"

Both parents go completely silent, but the mother replies "No, Billy. That's just an urban myth. Nobody can remove chrome with their mouth."

"Oh." says Billy, thinking for a moment.

"Well, Uncle Steve say...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

What did the selfish anteater say when offered a full course French dinner?

Is this all fourmis?

A buddy and I went out to grab some dinner, figured the protestors in Ottawa would be ecstatic we were exercising our freedom.

Turns out they were quite unhappy with the man-date.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

Had dinner, ordered desert

I confess, the sand was a little hard to swallow.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant when a couple looking absolutely gorgeous walk in

"What a pair!" says the wife

"Yeah, the man doesn't look too bad either" replied the husband

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

The government says all boys must take their friends to dinner once a week...

It’s a man date

A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them.

Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles."

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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Dinner with the dog

I remembered a joke from decades ago; hope it hasn't been here before:


A teenage boy brought his girlfriend to have dinner with the family for the first time. Just as everyone sits down, the girl lets out a little fart. Dad looks at the family dog, who is sitting between the boy and his...

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A woman goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he de...

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

A blind man is preparing for a dinner date

First, he takes a shower. This is somewhat difficult for him because he is blind. Next, he puts on his nice clothing. After a bit of adjusting, he believes he is ready, so he asks his friend, "How do I look?"

His friend replies, "You don't"

How does a guy from Boston ask his minister to pass him the spaghetti at dinner?

"Pastah pastah pastah."

My friend can’t decide which designer brand to wear to dinner.

I’m sure Hilfiger it out.

I was out for dinner when other diners started throwing rice..........

Before I knew it, a pilau fight had broken out!

Wife: How was today's dinner?

Husband : Are you looking for a reason to have a fight?

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A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.



"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.



"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communica...

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"

"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing...

Who are the worst guests at a dinner party?

Vegan bitcoin owners.

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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The blonde went to her friend’s house for dinner one night

When they’d finished , the blonde girl got up to leave but noticed it was pissing down with rain outside.

‘It’s okay you can sleep over here tonight ‘ said her friend. ‘I’ll go and make up a bed for you.’

When she came back downstairs, she saw her blonde friend completely drenched. <...

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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An elderly cuple of farmers is having dinner.

The man says:
-I'm gonna go out and take a piss.
He comes back later with spots on his trousers, so the woman asks:
-Is the weather rainy?

-No, it's windy.

What do you call it when you’re late to dinner at your Mother in Law’s?

Delaying the inedible.

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

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A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging hi...

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

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A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.



“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

A man and his wife are out to dinner when the wife drops spaghetti

Wife: “Dang it! I look like a pig!”

Husband: “And you spilled on your shirt.”

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I went a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair.

As the evening went on, I got more and more drunk and she became more and more attractive. Eventually, I leaned into her..

"So tell me," I slurred, "Have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." She replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said:

“Last night, we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said:

“What was the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said:<...

When daughter dresses inappropriately for Christmas Dinner.

Mom - Can't you dress like a lady for Christmas Dinner atleast. If you behave like a bad girl, Santa won't bring you presents.

Daughter - Mom I'm old enough now. How would know if I dressed inappropriately?

Mom - Don't you know he goes around the neighborhood on this reindeer sledge ye...

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

What did the yoga instructor say when they were asked if they wanted to go out for dinner?

Nah, ima stay

I told my mom I wanted to have a potato pasta for dinner. Her response?

Gnocchi dokey.

Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found himalayan on the road.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

Santa’s reindeer had an issue with their dinner reservation.

The restaurant simply refused to seat the Donner party.

What happened to the Indian girl that didn’t want to eat her dinner?

She got sent to bed for naancompliance

My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

What do you get after the animal dinner party?

Stuffed animals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

I cut the end of my finger off making dinner.

I didn't want the food to go to waste. So I ate it before going to the hospital. Something didn't taste right but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a Turkey, and that it laid horrible eggs.

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the Quaker man's favorite after dinner delight?

Oatmeal cream pie

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...

"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."

The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."

The pries...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why I don’t go to titty bars…

If I wanted to spend $200 in one night on a woman who has no intention of fu**ing me, I’d just take my wife out to dinner.

What smells the same at breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Your nose

My family always prays before dinner.

If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

A man is sitting down for his dinner.

He hears a knock at the door. And as he lives in quite a rural area there doesn't tend to be that many visitors, so he was quite taken aback. As he opened the door, he looked round everywhere but there was no one there. He was very confused. But then looking down on the floor, he saw a snail and thr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid goes to the shops with his mum...

A kid goes to the shops with his mum.  He has always wondered about the female anatomy,  so he peers under the skirt of a mannequin. But unfortunately,  his mum sees him doing it.  


Whack! She smacks him over the head.  


"What are you doing,  you dirty little boy? There's nothi...

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

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