Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s for lunch today

His mom was pissed

My high school bully still takes my lunch money.

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them.........

The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl......

The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes...

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

If a combined breakfast and lunch is called brunch. What is combining your breakfast, lunch, and dinner called?

...being poor.

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

What's a Golfer's Favorite Lunch?

Chips and Sand Wedges!

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A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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Three construction workers are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.

An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says

"I hate baloney, my wife knows I hate baloney, yet every day I end up with this sandwich. If I get on...

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

Why did the sad geologist skip his lunch break?

Because he lost his apatite.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Mama Toyota asked her son what he wanted for lunch

Son replies "a Taco,ma."

Greek tacos sound good for lunch.

Gyros in a half shell.

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A travelling man stops at a pub in regional Australia for lunch and a beer.

He walks in and spots a poster that says "Make my horse laugh and cry and get $1000!".

The man goes up the bartender to ask what this is about.

Bartender: "We have a horse in the stable behind the bar, and if you can make it laugh and cry then you'll get $1000. We've had so many people...

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray:"Take only one. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: Take all you want. God is ...

An Irish, a Mexican and an American were having lunch on a scaffold on the 15th floor of a building construction.

Irish opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Colcannon again! If I have colcannon for lunch tomorrow I will jump off this scaffold"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried "Burritos as usual! If I have burritos one more time I will jump off too."

The American opened his lunch box and s...

Yesterday I ate lunch at a sub place called James Jonathan’s

It was a little fancier than Jimmy John’s

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch.

I said, "Chin up love."

She said, "Thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."

I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

Security guard 1: "Elvis is performing today and he wants Chinese food for lunch."

Security guard 2: "Quick! Get the jailhouse wok."

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

What does an Alabaman and lunch meat have in common?

They're both inbred.

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A reporter is having lunch in a park in Manchester...

She sees a child playing, when all of a sudden a large angry dog bounces towards the child, picking the child up and shaking it..

All of a sudden a teenage lad runs towards them, wresting the child from certain death and in the process kills the Savage dog.

The Reporter sensing a gre...

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A man invites his friend to his club for lunch.

They arrive and go in, and there are tons of trees with vaginas on them, and a clubhouse. No tennis courts, no weight room, nothing.

His friend says to him, “what the hell is this place?”

“What, haven’t you ever been to a cunt tree club before?”

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

What do you call it when two people bring identical lunches to the office?

A cuisine-kydink.

Sorry.

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

Bayern Munich won't need breakfast, lunch, or dinner tommorow, because they

8-2 much.

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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

How do you call a dinosaur to lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

Three men stop for lunch

Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor. The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly ju...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

I was just patiently waiting in the lunch line when..

..the depressed girl cut in front of me

My obese Ex-wife, Ally, worked in a Californian grenade factory. She got struck by a grenade during her lunch break while covered in sticky urine.

Supper Cali frag a lick stick ex pee Ally dough sus

Why did the scientist eat photons after lunch?

He needed a light snack

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

Sue has lunch with her blonde friend, Mary.

Sue offers to pay because she recently got a whole bunch of money. Mary asks her how, and she says a man hit her with his car so she sued him.

The next day, Mary shows up with a wedding ring on her finger. Sue asks what happened, and she says, "a guy hit me with his car, so I did just what yo...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A jewelry store owner and his two employees go on lunch break together

At the restaurant they find a lamp on the booth seat.

The owner rubs it and a genie appears; "Ye who have summoned me, I will grant three wishes. Since there's three of you here, you each get one wish."

The first employee says "I wish I was riding a jetski by a tropical beach crowded ...

What do you drink with a small lunch?

A Minnesota!

Today at work, after lunch, I decided that I would procrastinate

Finally, I decided I would wait to be back home to do it.

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on his boat...

The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind

blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down
and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling

to launch a boat to go g...

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Same Lunch Everyday

A Mexican, Armenian, Korean, and Redneck are construction workers. Every day, there is a bell that sounds at 12:00 PM notifying the workers that it is their lunch break. The workers go on with their day and as soon as the bell rings, they grab their lunches and sit together to eat.


The ...

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"

I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

Two construction workers were eating lunch on a bench on the side of the road...

As they were eating lunch, they notice a very attractive woman walking on the other side of the road. The two workers start to cat call her until she stops and looks at them.
Once she looks at them, they make the notion for her flash them by pulling up on their shirts. The woman looks around and...

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

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A boy was not looking forward to lunch.

Everyday his mom would pack a liverwurst sandwich and he hated it. One lunch period his classmate looks over and says, "I hate it when my mom packs me a seabird sandwich for lunch. Wanna trade?" Overjoyed, the boy accepted. All of a sudden a teacher grabs him and asks, "Did you trade sandwiches?"...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

What do golfers put in their packed lunches...?

...Sand wedges

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

The Amaretto Joke

(Mentioned this in the comments of another joke and seems like no-one knew it by reference so here goes.)

Three best girlfriends meet for lunch after not seeing each other for a while and the topic turns to the latest news in their lives and as it turns out all three of them have started seei...

Silly joke from 5yo neighbor girl: "What did the sick cook make for lunch?"

Mac and sneeze.

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There's a new hire at work, so I go up to her and say "Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob?"

No.

Well, let me take you to lunch then.

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Three woman we’re gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join. One of them said, “Sorry there is not mushroom”

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A Wendy's manager named Kenney was sitting on his ass in the office during a shorthanded lunch rush, surfing Reddit.

[censored]

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “A...

My wife accidentally ordered way too many chicken strips for lunch

She was quite upset about, as she hates wasting food. My daughter I were quite happy to have some tasty junk food for dinner though. I said to my wife "We could do this again, I don't mind eating KFC. I hope this wasn't just a strip tease!"

Helicopter ride

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Friday on Dec 25th morning from Kochi and will fly to Kavarathi (Lakshadweep), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to...

Why do frontend developers eat lunch alone?

Because they don't know how to join tables.

3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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Are these plates clean?

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

A man and woman are having lunch....

The woman goes, "hey could you please go to the store to get 1 litre of milk? And if they have avocado's, bring 6.

*10 mins later*

Man comes back with 6 cartons of milk," hey honey, they had avocados".

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

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Christian vs Jewish

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be perm...

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Bad weather

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up h...

What did the cannibal get when he was late to lunch with his wife?

The cold shoulder.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch

He could binomial

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Three men on their lunch break *LONG*

Three men were working together on the 40th floor construction of the Empire State Building.
An American, an Italian, and a Canadian.

A loud horn is heard signifying lunch, and all three men sat together, on the edge, their feet dangling a hundreds of feet in the air.

The American o...

"I'm going for a light lunch," says my coworker as she heads towards the breakroom.

I look up, puzzled, and respond, "You can photosynthesize?!"

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

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A man goes to a urologist...

...and says he has a problem with his penis.

"OK, well, can you urinate, can you get an erection?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Ermm, well how about your sex life, can you describe it to me?"
"Well, I wake up and have sex with my wife. Then I make some coffee and vreakfast, and when she co...

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Two Gynaecologists

Two gynaecologists were chatting over their lunch break

G1:”you should’ve seen the one on my last patient. She had a vagina like a lemon!!”

G2:”what?! so large?”

G1:”No, so sour!”

2 cannibals

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch. The one asked the other:

"Hey, i heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So how are things between you right now?"

"Well... right now..."

The cannibal stopped to take a si...

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

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“Whats the Difference between a blowjob and a turkey sandwich?”

“Im not sure”

“We should get lunch sometime!”

Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

Why did the two 4's skip lunch?

They already 8

I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...

The perfect AI

Some many years into the future...

Scientist : Yessss!!!! After years of work, I have finally created the perfect AI humanoid. This robot has its own brain and can think and do exactly like a human being. Can't wait to try it out.

He switches humanoid on and thinks of a challenging t...

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Southern Belles

Old joke:

Three southern belles are having lunch and bragging.

1: Well, my husband just bought me a new beach house just to get away when I want to.

2: That's nice!

3: Well, MY husband sends me to Europe every spring with his credit card for me to buy anything I want.
...

What did Matthew McConaughey have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in China?

All rice, all rice, all rice.

I had a clock for lunch earlier.

I couldn't finish it, it was time consuming.

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

A zookeeper called a coworker at home and said they were out of camel food.

The zookeeer at home said, “alpaca lunch”.

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

A father is talking to his son because the school said the son stole someones lunch

Father: So I heard you stole someones lunch at school today. Do you know what we call someone who steals?

Son: No, father.

Father: I’ll give you a hint. Lets say I put my hand in your pocket and took out $100. What would you call me?

Son: A magician?

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lio...

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Johnny was sent to grandpa’s farm for Summer

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparent’s farm to spend the summer. The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire. “What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny repli...

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates is having lunch in a restaurant when a young man comes over.

He says "Excuse me Mr Gates, I know this is presumptious but if I can have thirty seconds of your time: I read your amazing book about your early career and, basically, I'm now at the point you were at when you were just starting out. I'm entertaining a couple of business sponsors to lunch and it wo...

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