What did the religious lettuce say to the other vegetables?

...Lettuce pray

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What is the weakest vegetable?

My brother Jim

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

Do you know what the hardest part about eating vegetables is?

The wheel chairs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

If Vegetarians Eat Vegetables...

What do humanitarians eat?

What is Thanos’s favorite vegetable?

The snap pea.

What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?


My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

What is a pirates least favorite vegetable


What do bowling and vegetables have in common?

A spare I guess

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair could sell for.

I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

What's the best state to grow vegetables in?


What is Alabama's favourite vegetable?

Has to be the pump kin.

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”


“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

What’s a Jawa’s favourite vegetable?


Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

I started investing in stocks of Beef, Chicken, and Vegetables.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

It was a dark time in Vegetable Land.

The neighboring Fruit Kingdom had launched an invasion months before, and the starchy defenders had fallen quickly to the acidic and citric attackers. After a long campaign, the country had finally fallen and only a few vegetables could meet underground to discuss the future of the resistance. At th...

What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables?

You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.

What did the kinky vegetable say to the other vegetable.

You oughta choke me.

What Kind Of Vegetable Is Kind Of Cool?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis...

I learned this trick from other dick taters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

If you were a vegetable

I’d unplug you...

What another way of saying a sentient cylindrical vegetable rotated itself?

Rick rolled

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What vegetable has the least manners?

The rude-abega.

I came up with this today at the grocery store, and I'm not a dad, so all you dads out there, here's one for your arsenal. Godspeed.

What’s the most merciful thing you can do for a vegetable?

Unplug it from life sustaining equipment.

Quick cooking question - After I boil the vegetables,

What do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?

What's a Journalist's favorite Vegetable?


I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

What was Van Gogh's least favourite vegetable? An ear of cauliflower.

Sorry it was an arty joke.

My favorite vegetable...

I work at a grocery store. This kid comes up to me today and asks me what my favorite vegetable is.

“Cauliflower,” I tell him. “What about yours?”

“Grampa,” he replied.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat?

A Leek!!

What’s the best vegetable to clean your teeth with?

Brushles sprouts

What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?


I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

Where Do Vegetables Post Their Selfies?


How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both


[Possibly OC] What do you get when you cross a bird with a vegetable?


A little girl is eating her vegetables

Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen will reward you with much more than my life!"

With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his kingdom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What vegetable makes your eyes water?

Have you ever been hit in the balls with a Turnip?

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

When does a fruit become a vegetable?

When he gets a lobotomy

What do thrifty Illuminati members like to put their pickled vegetables in?

Free Mason jars. :D


\[\[ Stupidest joke I ever came up with, today at work in the Dish Pit. \]\]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just caught an alien in my freezer masturbating into a pack of frozen vegetables! "What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted. "Please don't hurt me!" he replied.

"I cum in peas."

For ethical reasons I started to only eat vegetables

surprisingly their meat doesn't taste that bad!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

What vegetable is trying really hard to be cool, but can't quite manage it?

A radish.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

What Vegetable Do Plumbers Hate?

Add a few peas and you have a real mess.

The teacher asked me what my favourite vegetable was

Apparently “My grandfather” wasn’t the correct answer.

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

What do you call vegetables that get arrested?

Collared Greens.

Lost my phone in the vegetable aisle

If anyone finds it Lettuce know

I'll never understand people who hate vegetables

They can't even speak. I'm pretty sure it's just visiting the hospital that they don't like.

What's the most difficult thing about cooking vegetables?

Getting them out of the wheel chair.

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable patch?

Seizure Salad

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔


Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

What's a jalopy's favorite leafy green vegetable?


My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

What is the most formal vegetable?

Collard greens.

What did John Lennon's parents say to him when he wouldn't eat his vegetables?

What did John Lennon's parents say to him when he wouldn't eat his vegetables?

"All we are saying is give peas a chance."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Restocking the vegetables...

A grocer is restocking the vegetables when a woman taps him on the shoulder and says “Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?” The man replies “Well ma’am we’re out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then.” The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continue...

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why won’t cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples?

Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.

Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

My friend keeps talking about eating vegetables and I’m beginning to find it kind of disturbing.

I mean, I know they haven’t really got a functioning brain, but they’re still human.