My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?


People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?


After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Give a man a vegetable, he will eat for a day

Make a man a vegetable, he will be fed the rest of his life

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔


Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

What part of a vegetable cant you eat?

The wheelchair

How do you kill a root vegetable?

Cut it’s carroted artery.

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?


What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?


I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

One day I was making vegetable soup

But unfortunately the wheelchair didn't fit

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.


What do you call a sad vegetable?

Melan Cauliflower

What is a skeleton’s favorite vegetable?

Corn on the macabre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We cum in peas.”

Vegetable shortage in the world.

How many vegetables does it take to kill a Vegan?


What does the cannibal do after eating his vegetables?

Goes to eBay to see what he can sell the wheelchairs for.

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

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Miss Jones wanted to teach her class about vegetables

So she drew a large cucumber on the blackboard and said "what's that"

"It's a cock, miss" piped up Little Johnny.

"That's *it*, Little Johnny, I've had *enough* of your filthy cheek, I'm getting the headmaster" pronounced Miss Jones.

A few moments later the headmaster stomped in...

What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable


What do you call a vegetable that gives you diarrhea?


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So a grocer is restocking the vegetables...

When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes ...

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?

Picking his nose.

I saw Missy Elliott running a yellow vegetable stand. But I think she was struggling for customers.

She kept yelling "Get your free corn!"

Of all the vegetables I slaughter for food...

... I seem to pity onions the most.

I heard that beans were John Lennon's favourite vegetable....

.....up until he decided to give peas a chance.

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

What vegetable loves roller coasters?


Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

I've started crossbreeding marijuana and vegetables

Maybe I'll earn a higher celery.

Some people like root vegetables...

Some people don't really carrot all

This is my only pun about root vegetables

but I keep hoping another one will turnip

What do you call an extra vegetable??

A spare I guess (asparagus)

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

What is a vegetable’s favorite joke?

Beets me!

A wife sent a message to her husband..

A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Priscilla?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Prisci...

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

What was stalin's favourite vegetable?

A soviet onion

I went to a place where people told me had the world's biggest vegetables!

The hospital soon kicked me out

What do you call a vegetable who knows kung fu


Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?


What vegetable is the best singer?

Corn, because it's always in hominy.

What did the vegetable wear to the beach?

A Zu-Kini

What is a chickens favorite vegetable?

Bawk choy

whats a dogs favorite vegetable


A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

What's a Serial Killer's favorite Vegetable?


A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

What is plumber's least favourite vegetable?


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My penis tried taking over the world after turning into a vegetable.

It's a dick-tater

I used to be a member of the Secret Vegetable Association Cult. But i was banished last week

Because i spilled the beans

A vegetable joke

What do you call broccoli that skinned it's knee?


How does a vegetable pee?

With its brussel spout

What is Donald Trump's favorite vegetable?


What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?

A cannibal.

What's the coolest vegetable?

Of course , a Rad-dish.

Whats the favorite vegetable of cannibals?

Kid knee beans

I can’t find my vegetables.

Hopefully, they turnip soon.

What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”


“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW what's the hardest part of fucking a vegetable?

Putting her back in her wheelchair

I applied to be a vegetable farmer..

They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!

What is Whitney Houston's favorite vegetable?


A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.

I like making vegetables at home

All I need is a hammer.

Why didn't the vegetable pay its bills?

Because it was a dead beet.

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

What is the weakest vegetable?

My brother Jim

What does Gordon Ramsay say to the raw vegetable soup?


My top 5 favourite vegetables

1. Tomato
2. Lettuce

What is a urethra's favorite vegetable?

Pea shoots

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

The all vegetable circus came to town yesterday.

I hear their clown act is corny.

What is a hydraulic press’s favorite vegetable?


What vegetables are a sailors enemy?


Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

What's Bruno Mars favorite vegetable trick?

24 carrot magic

What did the kinky vegetable say to the other vegetable.

You oughta choke me.

Where do you find the best vegetables to eat?

The answers are very different for a vegan and a cannibal.

what do you call a Keanu reeves who doesn't eat vegetables

A John Weak.

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?


Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

I finally, after 35 years, have made my own two line joke

What’s a gooses’s favorite vegetable?


Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?


My friend has a vegetable-themed bakery

What a spud-muffin

A vegetable walks into a bar...

Just kidding, he'll never walk again.

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables?

You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

What did the vegetable shout at a party?


What do you call a spicy vegetable

A Mexican in a wheelchair

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