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I got fired yesterday when my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently, nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you’re allowed to do with the patients

I have a beautiful garden in my backyard where I grow vegetables.

Every day I would take ripe vegetables to the farmers market and sell them.
Potatoes, carrots, eggplants, and so on.
One day the cops arrested me for public urination.
Apparently, you can't take your peas and leaks in the public.

What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?


What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheel chair


There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting that darn wheelchair in the oven

Man I love eating vegetables!

Anyway, that’s how I lost my medical license.

Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

What did the religious lettuce say to the other vegetables?

...Lettuce pray

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep vegetables cool and fresh

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

Can I tell you a joke about vegetables?

Only if you say peas.

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting the catheter back in.

What is Thanos' favourite vegetable to snack on?

Snap peas

What vegetable never gets lost in the fridge?

Parsnips b/c they always turnip!

What is the weakest vegetable?

My brother Jim

Husband: The kids haven't eaten their vegetables

Husband: The kids haven't eaten their vegetables

Wife: ok just throw them out

Husband *helping the kids pack suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

What is a pirates least favorite vegetable


Where does the geneticist keep his GMO vegetables?

In the CRISPR drawer!

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

Why do all the vegetables like the mushroom the best?

Because he's a fungi

If Vegetarians Eat Vegetables...

What do humanitarians eat?

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?


Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair could sell for.

I've just seen a man in the local bookstore exchange a swede like vegetable for some hardbacks

I thought, that's a turnip for the books

What’s a Jawa’s favourite vegetable?


I started investing in stocks of Beef, Chicken, and Vegetables.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What's the best state to grow vegetables in?


What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?

“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.”


“Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

What is Alabama's favourite vegetable?

Has to be the pump kin.

What Kind Of Vegetable Is Kind Of Cool?


What's the difference between vegetation and vegetables?

You don't have to pull the plug on vegetation.

If you were a vegetable

I’d unplug you...

What did the kinky vegetable say to the other vegetable.

You oughta choke me.

I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

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I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis...

I learned this trick from other dick taters.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

What another way of saying a sentient cylindrical vegetable rotated itself?

Rick rolled

Quick cooking question - After I boil the vegetables,

What do I do with the leftover wheelchairs?

What's a Journalist's favorite Vegetable?


I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

What’s the most merciful thing you can do for a vegetable?

Unplug it from life sustaining equipment.

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both


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What vegetable has the least manners?

The rude-abega.

I came up with this today at the grocery store, and I'm not a dad, so all you dads out there, here's one for your arsenal. Godspeed.

What was Van Gogh's least favourite vegetable? An ear of cauliflower.

Sorry it was an arty joke.

What vegetable shouldn't go on a boat?

A Leek!!

What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?


Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

[Possibly OC] What do you get when you cross a bird with a vegetable?


I asked someone at the Vegan society dinner "do you always include a vegetable in every sentence you say?

they said "not nessicelery"

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.


My favorite vegetable...

I work at a grocery store. This kid comes up to me today and asks me what my favorite vegetable is.

“Cauliflower,” I tell him. “What about yours?”

“Grampa,” he replied.

What’s the best vegetable to clean your teeth with?

Brushles sprouts

Where Do Vegetables Post Their Selfies?


How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

A little girl is eating her vegetables

Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen will reward you with much more than my life!"

With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his kingdom...

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What vegetable makes your eyes water?

Have you ever been hit in the balls with a Turnip?

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I was a fat kid who didn't eat vegetables

My mom told me, "if you eat too much pork, you'll become a pork". She can be such a dick

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

Richard Nixon's favorite vegetable


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A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

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Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

For ethical reasons I started to only eat vegetables

surprisingly their meat doesn't taste that bad!

When I was in middle school, my "friends" used to force me to eat vegetables until I almost threw up.

They even started sending me pictures of vegetables on the internet, threatening to make me eat lettuce until I was sick. To this day, I still suffer from the effects of their rampant and traumatic fiber-bullying.

What Vegetable Do Plumbers Hate?

Add a few peas and you have a real mess.

The teacher asked me what my favourite vegetable was

Apparently “My grandfather” wasn’t the correct answer.

Lost my phone in the vegetable aisle

If anyone finds it Lettuce know

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

I'll never understand people who hate vegetables

They can't even speak. I'm pretty sure it's just visiting the hospital that they don't like.

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