UPJOKE
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I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?

He was a salted

What did the aggressive walnut say to the group of peanuts?

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass

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Peanuts

Did you hear that Planter’s Mr. Peanut hosted an orgy and it got out of control?


It was fucking nuts.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

Two peanuts were walking down the road...

Suddenly a robber jumped out and one was assalted

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[NSFW] What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread

I just finished my hiking playlist, it has peanuts, the cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix

Metlife dropped the Peanuts gang because Peppermint Patty was going behind their back to negotiate with Charles Schwab.

Can't blame her though...she really likes to Talk To Chuck.

Two peanuts are walking down the street...

One was a salted.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

When do peanuts laugh?

When you crack them up.

What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through a bad neighborhood?

One was assaulted!




I'll show myself to the door now

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

What do you call a prison for peanuts?

# A peanutentiary.

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

A man walks into an empty bar

It's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"

Th...

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I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups

I find them to be reesist.

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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

What did Mr. Peanut say to Mrs. Peanut as he left the house?

Back in a Jif!

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Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.

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A man walks into a bar…

Takes a seat and orders a drink. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.

‘Hey handsome, looking GOOD’

‘Did you lose weight? You’re looking really fit’

Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drin...

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can’t peanut butter your penis into someone’s mouth

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I just watched that new peanut butter falcon movie. If I had to rate it

I'd give it a 24 out of 23.

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you and I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much. Have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my te...

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What do you get when you mix refried beans with peanut butter?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your butt.

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

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Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

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I was fired for bringing peanut butter cups to work

I blame systemic Reesism.

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A peanut surfed for internet porn

His heart was all a flutter.
He dropped his pants
And took a stance
HNNNNGH - peanut butter!

How can you find an elephant in the dark?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

Ever since everybody started washing their hands...

The peanuts at the bar have lost their flavour.

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "nice tie." He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him and so he forgets about it.

Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "nice shirt." This time he looks everywhere; behind him,...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

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