I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my trail mix.

Two peanuts were walking late one night..

..one was a salted.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

The Peanuts Gang are sitting in class

Their teacher announces that they will each write a report on a Middle Eastern country as part of their geography homework. The teacher passes around a hat from which they draw a random country to write about.

Linus goes first. "Wow, I got Saudi Arabia!"

Next is Lucy. "Hey, I got Syria...

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How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They're inbred

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

When I was a child my parents fed my lots of chocolate, peanuts and raisins.

Probably explains why I was a little Chuncky.

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

...

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

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What does a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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I wonder why they call them cocktail peanuts...

“Because I guess (liquor peanuts) isn’t as catchy.”

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

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Next Years Peanuts

Two old farmers are sitting in a cafe, bullshittin’ and jawin’ on about business and such.

Times had been hard, as of late. Rain had been scarce, crops were poor and the local crop of choice, peanuts, had really suffered.

As such, the local bank had declared, at the beginning of the s...

A cashew called a peanut fat

the peanut felt insalted

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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

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What type of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A jellyfish!

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter

And I realized, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

What's up with peanut allergies?

Not that kid's blood pressure

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I caught my brother balls deep in peanut butter...

I wondered why anyone would name a dog peanut butter.

A friend told me this hopefully it hasn't been posted here before

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

The Stuck Peanut

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it...

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There exists one partnership better than Peanut Butter and Jelly;Batman and Robin;Scooby and Shaggy.........

And that is porn addiction and hating yourself

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

Peanut.

The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts,
throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth.
His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air,
he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear.
As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps ...

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If a brother and sister get together and have twins, the twins should be named Peanut Butter and Jelly.

Because they are in bread.

Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

How can a Pb & Jelly sandwich make you sick even though you don't have a peanut allergy?

Lead poisoning

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

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And the peanuts...please...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the mi...

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

What do you get when you cross a Sahara with a jar of peanuts?

Damn thirsty.

Peanuts

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.

"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.

"I threw peanuts down the drain"

The priest was very confused, neve...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a peanut?

One is nuts and the other is a healthy snack

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As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world...

I just thought they would have spread more.

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I was always told whoever gets caught with their dick in a peanut butter jar is...

F*cking nuts

Where did the peanut hide his treasure?

Inside a chestnut.

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

An astronut.

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