I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?

He was a salted

Two peanuts were walking down the road...

Suddenly a robber jumped out and one was assalted

What did the aggressive walnut say to the group of peanuts?

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!

What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

A peanut walks into a bar.

He is a salted.

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley...

...one was assaulted.

What did Mr. Peanut say to Mrs. Peanut as he left the house?

Back in a Jif!

What do you call a prison for peanuts?

# A peanutentiary.

When do peanuts laugh?

When you crack them up.

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

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Why did Mr. Peanut divorce his wife?

Because she was fucking nuts.

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

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What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread

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Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

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I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups

I find them to be reesist.

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.

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What is the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I cant peanut butter my dick in your ass

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

I made a playlist for hiking.

It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."

He looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"

The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"

The barten...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

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Why did the inventor of the peanut butter cup give up on eating them with her fork ?

Because it was easier for Reese with her spoon

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

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By the old farm

About to hit forties, a successful business man from New York wants to get married. He wants a pretty and young girl, around 21 years old to show off to his fellow business men. However, as a religious man, he is looking for a virgin, which are kinda hard to find this days.

So he heads up to ...

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, but doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink.
A moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks ...

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

An elderly couple got on a bus.

After a few minutes, the old lady shuffled over to the front, and offered the driver a bag of peanuts.

How kind of her, thought the driver. He drove on, happily munching the peanuts.

A few minutes later, again the old woman shuffled over, with another bag of peanuts.
What a nice lad...

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you and I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much. Have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my te...

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

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I was fired for bringing peanut butter cups to work

I blame systemic Reesism.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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Guy goes to mass at St. Peter's Basilica...

Sitting opposite him in the front row are two hobos. Throughout the entire mass, the hobos are eating peanuts and dropping the shells on the floor.

The man is very angry at this, and decides he's going to give the hobos a piece of his mind after the mass is over.

However, at the concl...

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

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A peanut surfed for internet porn

His heart was all a flutter.
He dropped his pants
And took a stance
HNNNNGH - peanut butter!

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

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Got Fired from a Peanut Butter Factory

Damn Skippy.

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

A man walks into a bar with his monkey.

The man and his monkey take a seat at the bar and the man orders two beers. The monkey is cool for a while, sipping his beer, but then jumps up from his stool, runs over to the billiard table and eats one of the balls. He then returns to his stool, and resumes drinking his beer.

Before the b...

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

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Mom, Mom! George's penis is like a peanut

Mother: That small?!

Kid: No, that salty

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

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