UPJOKE
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Peanut Jokes

I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.
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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts
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Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...
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Why was the peanut afraid to go to central park?

It was a salted
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Peanut

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeede...
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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

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The only candy I'll eat is Reese's peanut butter cups.

I'm a Reecist.

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”
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Why does the wife of a peanut butter executive hate sleeping with her husband

Because he cums in a jiffy

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Peanut butter and jelly don't love each other...

but I always find them in bread together.

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...
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What do you call a peanut that can’t talk to women?

An in-shell.
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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.
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Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.
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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)
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What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews
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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

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What did one peanut say to the other peanut during sex?

Ugh, Imma legume!

What did Mr. Peanut say to his wife??

Don't worry, I'll be back in a JIF
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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.
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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass

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Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...
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What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..
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A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...
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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!
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Rudy Giuliani and a peanut were walking down the street.

One of them was assaulted.
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There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...
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I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups

I find them to be reesist.

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Why did the inventor of the peanut butter cup give up on eating them with her fork ?

Because it was easier for Reese with her spoon

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.
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What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can’t peanut butter your penis into someone’s mouth

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When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

Two Peanuts are walking into a bar...

One was a salted
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What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.
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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States
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I was fired for bringing peanut butter cups to work

I blame systemic Reesism.

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."
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How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts
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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

Peanut.

The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts,
throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth.
His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air,
he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear.
As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps ...
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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...
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Did you hear about that band called Peanut Brittle?

Oh, they broke up...
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A cashew called a peanut fat

the peanut felt insalted
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Mom, Mom! George's penis is like a peanut

Mother: That small?!

Kid: No, that salty

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter

And I realized, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

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I caught my brother balls deep in peanut butter...

I wondered why anyone would name a dog peanut butter.

A friend told me this hopefully it hasn't been posted here before

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted
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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

How can a Pb & Jelly sandwich make you sick even though you don't have a peanut allergy?

Lead poisoning
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As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world...

I just thought they would have spread more.

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I got peanut butter on my camera

Now every picture is a jif

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What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI?

Pb and j

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.
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What's up with peanut allergies?

Not that kid's blood pressure
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An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...
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Billy the Peanut

One day lil Johnny comes running into the kitchen from playing outside and he's screams out "Mommy! Mommy! Billy's penis is like a peanut!"

The Mother is a bit flustered and startled at the comment but quickly regains her composure and says "Oh that's ok Johnny, you're both little boys, you'l...

Why was the peanut so salty?

Because it got R O A S T E D
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Where did the peanut hide his treasure?

Inside a chestnut.
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The inventor of autocorrect just died.

May he restaurant in peanut.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a peanut?

One is nuts and the other is a healthy snack
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A woman's legs are a lot like peanut butter

It's much easier to get them to spread if you have a knife

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