UPJOKE
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I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?

He was a salted

What did the aggressive walnut say to the group of peanuts?

You better hope I don’t cashew outside!!

What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

When do peanuts laugh?

When you crack them up.

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

I made a playlist for hiking, it has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

2 peanuts were walking down the street..

One was assaulted, the other got aroasted.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

The inventor of autocorrect just died.

May he restaurant in peanut.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

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What did one peanut say to the other peanut during sex?

Ugh, Imma legume!

What did Mr. Peanut say to his wife??

Don't worry, I'll be back in a JIF

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

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How are women like peanut butter

They spread for the bread

A man walks into an empty bar

He orders a pint and sits at the bar.
Suddenly he hears a small voice saying:
"That's a lovely shirt you're wearing mate. Suits your body type really well and the pattern is very stylish"

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone other that the bartender. He shrugs and goes back to hi...

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through a bad neighborhood?

One was assaulted!




I'll show myself to the door now

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Q: What kind of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A: Jellyfish!

Two peanuts were walking down the road...

Suddenly a robber jumped out and one was assalted

Two peanuts were walking through Central Park.

One was a salted.

What do you call a peanut that can’t talk to women?

An in-shell.

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

Metlife dropped the Peanuts gang because Peppermint Patty was going behind their back to negotiate with Charles Schwab.

Can't blame her though...she really likes to Talk To Chuck.

Charles Schulz died as one of the richest Americans of the 20th century

despite the fact he got his start making Peanuts.

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Peanuts

Did you hear that Planter’s Mr. Peanut hosted an orgy and it got out of control?


It was fucking nuts.

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

My 6-year-old kid ruined my brand new iPhone, so I'm selling it for a very fair price.

Just don't give him peanuts, he's allergic to them.

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

What do you call a prison for peanuts?

# A peanutentiary.

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

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I'm not a big fan of people who don't like Peanut Butter Cups

I find them to be reesist.

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

Did you hear about the peanut that walked into the police station?

It claims it was a salted.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

There’s a peanut on an airplane

And he’s chatting it up with a flight attendant, this peanut’s name is Dillon. They’re having a very intimate conversation about where they’re from and where they are in life right now. Dillon is in the middle of explaining his ethnic background when the flight attendant interrupts him and says ‘No ...

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Have you heard about the peanut rapist?

He's out there and he's fucking nuts! If you're not careful, he'll cashew.

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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Newlyweds were 69ing like crazy

When the door bell rang. The husband jumped up, not expecting company. He looks out the window and says, "shit, it's the mailman." His wife (who's on their period) just looks at him. He stares at her and says "look at my face, I can't go down there." She calmly replies, "just tell him you had a...

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States

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Why did the inventor of the peanut butter cup give up on eating them with her fork ?

Because it was easier for Reese with her spoon

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

A man walks into an empty bar

It's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"

Th...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you and I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much. Have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my te...

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

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A peanut surfed for internet porn

His heart was all a flutter.
He dropped his pants
And took a stance
HNNNNGH - peanut butter!

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

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