While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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Have you heard the rumor about peanut butter?

I don't want to spread it

I tried to help an old lady open a packet of peanuts.

It was a tough nut to crack

I made a playlist for hiking that has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem...

It's my Trail Mix...

Two peanuts were walking down the street

And one was assulted

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Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick into your ass...

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

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Do you know what you should call a scitzophrenic bloke with his dick in a jar of peanut butter?

Don't worry about it, he is just fucking nuts.

What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing. Peanuts cant speak.

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

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Got Fired from a Peanut Butter Factory

Damn Skippy.

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

Why did they kill Mr. Peanut?

Because he had become a Shell of his former self.

I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

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Mom, Mom! George's penis is like a peanut

Mother: That small?!

Kid: No, that salty

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

A psychiatrist takes his patients to a ballgame

A psychiatrist is taking his patients out to a baseball game. He tells them to get on the bus by saying "get on the bus, nuts" and when they get to the stadium he says "get off the bus nuts." When they get to the seats he tells them "get in your seats, nuts."

During the game he goes to the ba...

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Why did the peanut go to the hospital?

He was assalted

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Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

I can't read Charlie Brown comics anymore...

Turns out I'm allergic to peanuts.

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

Snickers bars are now being shipped in packaging made from recycled old newspaper comics.

They're packed with Peanuts.

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

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Nuts!

What do you call a nut in Brazil?
A Brazil nut.

What do you call a nut on a wall?
A walnut

What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts

What do you call a nut on a horses chest?
A horse chestnut

What do you call nuts in your pee?
Peanuts

What do yo...

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

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So a guy walked into a bar and asked how to become a cupcake...

So, a guy walked into a bar and he saw a cupcake. He went up to the cupcake and asked, "How do I become a cupcake?"

The cupcake replied, "You have to eat a cupcake to become a cupcake."

So the guy left to go eat a cupcake and the next night he returned to the bar. He then saw a chocola...

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The Monkey

This guy comes into a bar with a monkey. While the guy is having a drink at the bar, the monkey climbs onto a pool table, picks up the cue ball, and eats it. Seeing this, the bartender approaches the man and asks "What's up with the monkey? He ate my damn cue ball!!"

The man apologizes and sa...

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

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a guy walks into a bar

the guy sit at the bar, order a beer and starts looking around. at the opposite of the bar, a man is there with a little monkey on his shoulder.
the monkey is eating peanuts and every peanut he pick up he first put into his butthole then proceed to eat it.
the guy think this is really odd but ...

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

Did you hear about that band called Peanut Brittle?

Oh, they broke up...

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

An old couple had trouble remembering anything

An old couple, Agnes and Fred, had trouble remembering anything.

During a checkup, the doctor tells the couple they are okay physically but should repeat everything to one another to help them remember things.

One night, Fred offered to make a bowl of ice cream for Agnes while they wer...

Since everybody has now started washing their hands,

The peanuts at the bar have lost their taste

Little Sally came home from school

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small,...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

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What type of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A jellyfish!

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a reall...

[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.

A man is in a bar...

when he hears a voice say " you look amazing!"

looking around he saw no one else around him, so he called the bartender over and asked him if heard a voice saying he looks amazing.

The bartender says "oh yeah, that's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

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Next Years Peanuts

Two old farmers are sitting in a cafe, bullshittin’ and jawin’ on about business and such.

Times had been hard, as of late. Rain had been scarce, crops were poor and the local crop of choice, peanuts, had really suffered.

As such, the local bank had declared, at the beginning of the s...

I made a playlist for hiking.

...
...
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.


I did not come up with the joke. I just heard it from a friend and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share it hoping it would make someone else smile as well :)

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A monkey and a cue ball.

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowe...

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter

And I realized, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he wa...

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Where do you find a peacock?

In between peanuts

A cashew called a peanut fat

the peanut felt insalted

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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

A teacher asks her class their favorite after school snacks.

“Decklyn,” the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, “what’s your favorite after school snack?”

“Nuts,” he replies.

“Very good,” the teacher replies. “What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?”

The boy shakes his head and answers, “Doughnuts.”

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

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