What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews

I once got in a rap battle with a peanut.

He was roasted.

ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.

ALDI’s nuts

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What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can’t peanut butter your penis into someone’s mouth

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Stuck my dick in a jar of peanut butter...

Guess you could call me fucking nuts.

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley...

And one was a salted.

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I was fired for bringing peanut butter cups to work

I blame systemic Reesism.

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

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Have you heard the rumor about peanut butter?

I don't want to spread it

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

A peanut told a bad joke at a party

Everyone at the party roasted him

On the other hand, a cheeto's bad joke resulted in him becoming the president of the United States

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts.

The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you and I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much. Have some for yourself.”

“Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my te...

I made a playlist for hiking that has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem...

It's my Trail Mix...

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

So a peanut walks in on a cashew...

Nuts hanging out.

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A peanut surfed for internet porn

His heart was all a flutter.
He dropped his pants
And took a stance
HNNNNGH - peanut butter!

I tried to help an old lady open a packet of peanuts.

It was a tough nut to crack

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the pean...

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

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Got Fired from a Peanut Butter Factory

Damn Skippy.

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

Mr. Peanut didn't die from natural causes....

....he was "a-salted."

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.

So the driver
happily munches them.


Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanut.


Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?


Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.


Driver: Then why do you buy
them?


Old lady: Oh, I jus...

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's...

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

Why did the peanut go to the hospital?

He was assalted

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

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My wife and I have had our dog for years now...

He’s really part of the family.

Although we don’t have kids, my wife even likes to joke around and call him our “son”.

But that’s a bit much for me, because i’d never let any son of mine lick peanut butter off my nutsack.

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Mom, Mom! George's penis is like a peanut

Mother: That small?!

Kid: No, that salty

What's the feeling you get after polishing a peanut?

Post nut clarity.

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

I'm thinking of hiring an elephant.

I hear they work for peanuts.

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Little Suzy says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today and it was just like a peanut:

Mum says, what very small?

Suzy replies, no very salty.

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

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An auntie kimber classic. I was 5 when I heard this lol

There was a young man Fredrick in the last course of his psychology major. His final exam was to assess the mental conditions of 3 patients down in the deepest depth of the mental ward. It was 1966.
With his clipboard in hand, he walks down the dim lit hallway and gets to a giant metal door. The ...

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"



A second boy...

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

When I was a child my parents fed my lots of chocolate, peanuts and raisins.

Probably explains why I was a little Chuncky.

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

I'm applying for work in Georgia...

I hope I'm not paid in peanuts.

Did you hear about that band called Peanut Brittle?

Oh, they broke up...

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

Most people don't know where peanuts grow

It's totally underground

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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What type of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A jellyfish!

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