Two peanuts walk into a bar

One of them was a salted

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

Did you hear about that band called Peanut Brittle?

Oh, they broke up...

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

Why are peanuts afraid of going out?

They’re afraid of getting a-salted

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass.

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

...

Why did the peanut take the almond to court

It was assaulted

What did the peanut say when the almond tried to pick a fight with it?

Cashew outside!

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley

one was assaulted.

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

Throwing peanuts in the river

A young catholic boy went in to the confessional.
Boy: "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river"
Priest: "That's okay son, throwing peanuts in the river is not a sin, Say one 'Our Father' and and your sins will be absolved. You may go"

​

...

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts

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How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They're inbred

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

Two peanuts walked into a bar.

And this is why Monsanto need to be STOPPED.

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Next Years Peanuts

Two old farmers are sitting in a cafe, bullshittin’ and jawin’ on about business and such.

Times had been hard, as of late. Rain had been scarce, crops were poor and the local crop of choice, peanuts, had really suffered.

As such, the local bank had declared, at the beginning of the s...

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Has somebody already posted the joke about peanut butter?

I won't tell you, it might spread

A cashew called a peanut fat

the peanut felt insalted

The Peanuts.

A guy gets off work relatively early and decides to grab a pint in a bar on the way home. Since it's before the usual after-work hours, the bar is empty. The bartender serves him a pint, and he settles in at the counter, beer in one hand, bowl of bar nuts close by. Just what a working man needs to t...

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What type of fish goes well with peanut butter?

A jellyfish!

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I walked in a Mr Peanut having his way with an almond..

It was fucking nuts!

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Little girl says to her mum, johnny showed me his willy today, it was just like a peanut, mum says what very small? girl replies...

No very salty.

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Why did the idiot put peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

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So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter

And I realized, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.

​

The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant ...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

What's up with peanut allergies?

Not that kid's blood pressure

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I caught my brother balls deep in peanut butter...

I wondered why anyone would name a dog peanut butter.

A friend told me this hopefully it hasn't been posted here before

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I like my women like I like my peanut butter.

To make me swell up and then restrict my breathing.

The Stuck Peanut

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it...

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

Peanut.

The husband is sitting on the couch eating peanuts,
throwing them into the air and catching them in his mouth.
His wife calls out to him from the kitchen. Just as he tosses one into the air,
he turns his head and the peanut goes into his ear.
As he is trying to get it out, he just keeps ...

I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

He's a real nutcase.

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

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Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful?

That's nuts

Peanut allergy

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Four kids were arrested for feeding the elephants in a zoo when there was a rule stating they couldn’t do so.

At the court, the judge asked the four kids to state their name and what they had done.

Kid 1 : “My name is John, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 2 : “My name is David, and I threw peanuts into the elephant den.”
Kid 3 : “My name is Arthur, and I threw peanuts into the...

How can a Pb & Jelly sandwich make you sick even though you don't have a peanut allergy?

Lead poisoning

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As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world...

I just thought they would have spread more.

What do you get when you cross a Sahara with a jar of peanuts?

Damn thirsty.

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

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Peanut butter was chatting with jelly

“I envy you,” said the jelly.

“Why?” said the peanut butter.

“I don’t know, I guess I’m just the jellous type”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a peanut?

One is nuts and the other is a healthy snack

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I was always told whoever gets caught with their dick in a peanut butter jar is...

F*cking nuts

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...

Peanuts

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.

"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.

"I threw peanuts down the drain"

The priest was very confused, neve...

What's the difference between a container of peanuts, cashews, and almonds and neutering a dog.

One is mixed nuts - the other is nixed mutts!

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And the peanuts...please...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the mi...

A man walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

An astronut.

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

I was trying to teach my bird to say peanut today.

So far, all that came out was pee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy the Peanut

One day lil Johnny comes running into the kitchen from playing outside and he's screams out "Mommy! Mommy! Billy's penis is like a peanut!"

The Mother is a bit flustered and startled at the comment but quickly regains her composure and says "Oh that's ok Johnny, you're both little boys, you'l...

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