My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember when McDonalds used to serve cheap, crappy food? I went in for the first time in years and I was surprised how much it had changed.

It’s actually quite expensive now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the one food that can make a woman lose all interest in sex?

Wedding cake.

Whats the most controversial food?

Sausage. Its the best and also the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

So it’s bad manners for a person to talk with food in their mouth…

Is it also bad manners for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands?

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

What is a Buddhist's favorite food?

An om-elet.

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

What do you call a Buddhist fast food restaurant?

Zenny's.

Why do people put leftover food in Tupperware?

Because they want to throw it out, but just not for a few days.

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?

58.

Fifty ate.


Okay I’ll just see myself out.. sorry.

What is a priest's favourite food

Pastor

Did you hear about the food fight at the local Chinese Restaurant?

Everybody was Kung Pao Fighting!

What kind of fish likes to try new food?

Betta tester

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

Food for thought

Whenever you blow a dandelion, you actually give it a bj since you help it to get rid of its seeds

Fast Food Fury

My fast-food order arrived but it was incomplete. I was missing my fries. They had no more ketchup. They ran out of napkins. And the cashier said, “I can’t give you a lid for your drink or you won’t be able to drink it,” and she pointed at the previous customer holding a drink. That is when I threw ...

People say cats can be moody, changeable, difficult and aloof but that’s really not the case. My cat likes when I stroke her, comes to me when I make noises to get her attention and always comes to get her food when I shake the bag.

Unless she doesn’t.

How does Curly Howard respond when asked if he wants Chinese food for dinner?

Why Soy-tainly!

My friends said if you floss you'll be amazed at how much food is stuck between your teeth.

I don't remember eating this much blood

I told a bunch of Africans a joke about food yesterday but nobody was laughing

I guess they just don't get it

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive:

Wedding cake

Which food is the noisiest?

Ice cream

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

"Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

What’s Peter Pan’s favorite fast food restaurant?

Wendy’s.

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

When I was a child my parents would pretend food was an airplane.

They would make me wait hours to eat.

What's a chiropractor's favorite food?

Baby crack ribs.

Humour is like food

Some people don’t get it

I needed to buy some dog food the other day.

I couldn't find any that didn't use animal testing though so I left it.

My kindergartner says that her favorite food is the powder at the bottom of the Cheerios bag

I think she’s a cereal killer

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

What's a monster's favorite food?

Monsterella sticks, of course!

What does a food delivery driver and a gynecologists have in common?

They both can smell the goods but not eat it.

When people ask me what's more important, food or love?

I don't answer because I am eating.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

I went to the grocery store. The sign outside said: "No food or drinks inside".

So I went home again.

What's the deal with airplane food?

It's always so plane

Refusing dessert after eating Chinese food...

Will cost you a fortune.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

What do you call Thai food made with chicken?

Henthai

The neighbors built a snow sculpture of a dismembered person, complete with red food coloring.

It was an ***abominable*** snowman.

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

Food Coma….

A health forum speaker asks, “Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.”

After a long silence, an old man answered,

“Wedding Cake”…….

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

What is Gollum's favorite food?

Hot Pocketses

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m at the bar right now (getting food I’m not an alcoholic I promise) and…

There’s these two guys are arguing and one asked “Jerry, howcome you got so many grandkids and I don’t?”

And he answers, “I taught my kids how to multiply”

I fuckin’ lost it

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Today I took my infant son to his favorite fast food place...

"Welcome to Gerber King! May I take your order?"

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

Why is there never enough food in Budapest?

Because it’s Hungary.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar…

and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’

Someone should make a food app named after Prometheus

He was the best of being delivered.

What do you call a party where everyone brings food?

A Donner Party.

Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

My friend thinks he’s smart….

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you want to move to Israel?” asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”...

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

You've got to be careful while making jokes about Pakistani food on Reddit.

You don't want to end up with bad Korma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

What do science and deep fried food at the Texas State Fair have in common?

At their core, both concepts ask if you could but not if you should

My girlfriend hates it when I don't eat her favorite food...

... and she always gets Jellos.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch...

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'...

Finding out the girl you took home from the bar is actually a guy is like heating your food in the microwave and it still being cold in the middle...

... It's disappointing, but you're gonna eat it anyway.

After a terrible shipwreck,,,

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surpr...

Finding overnight fame is like finding food that was delivered to your house by accident

"Whoa what is this!"

"I didn't ask for this, how did this happen?"

"I'm sure there's someone out there who should have this instead of me"

"What do I even do now, should I call someone to tell them about this?"

*Three minutes later*

"Well...it's not like I'm going...

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning this week. After a couple of days I decided it was time to update my pronouns.

Her/She/Squirts

Jack claims that he can talk to food...

Jack and the beans talk!

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that ma...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.