The 125+ Best Food Jokes

I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh fuck with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

My cousin was going on and on about how an onion is the only food that can make you cry without eating it.

So I hit him in the face with a coconut.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry

but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

What is white and annoying while having food?

An avalanche

What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing £2.99....

That's almost £21 in Dog money.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

It’s an old gag

Did you hear about the new food delivery service that features people wearing really tight jeans that were popular in the 80's?

It's called Jor-Dash

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Porn is like fast food

Beforehand-Looks appetizing, quick, and affordable.

Afterwards-You feel ashamed and disgusted with yourself.

...and you have mayonnaise stuck on your hands.

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I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.

One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

What do you call the Mexican food that watches you from the bushes?

Stalkos

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

The expiry date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

there should be a spoiler alert

What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

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What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

Noticed the similarity between food delivery drivers and gynecologists.

They can smell it, but shouldn't taste.

In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your food home from a restaurant.

Except one——Togo.

I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain food”s don’t actually help your brain at all: It’s all just pseudoscience.

Food for thought.

Why does Bonnie Tyler only eat Greek Food?

She’s holding out for a gyro.

What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes

How does a cannibal get their food at a restaurant?

They order ahead.

Indian food is good for sleeping.

You doze off as soon as you hit the pilau.

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.

"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

There is one spice i will never understand why people use it in their food

I mean who wants to eat something with Cumin there?

When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table

He was a good waiter

I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK

But I feel like I've dyed a little inside

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

You can try to fill the void with food

But it will never work if you keep swallowing it.

Of all the vegetables I slaughter for food...

... I seem to pity onions the most.

What's a foot fetishist's favorite food?

Hot dogs.

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food

A naan sequitur

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

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What did Jar Jar Binks say when he was asked what he was dressed as at the Japanese food convention?

Meeso soup

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

What do a Food Network host and Oedipus have in common?

They both say “umami” far more than is appropriate.

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

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I put cement in my friends food

He shit a brick when he found out

What is Gru's favorite food?

Filet Minion

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

Have you ever tried Turkish food?

You oughtta man!

what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.

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A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....

I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’
‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’
‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’
‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.

She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Did you hear the tragic story about the man who sat in food coloring?

He dyes in the end.

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Buying dog food

One day I was at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up ...

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

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What was Hitler's favourite food?

Nazi goreng

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

If hobbits were a plant how would they make food?

They would frodosynthesize.

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

What's the british sea monster's favorite food?

Fish and ships

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

What food results in the most expensive weddings?

Can't-elope

the waitert asked me if i wanted a box for my food

i said no but ill wrestle you for em!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The...

Jealous wife and the Food processor

A jealous wife, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr

Hi...

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

Where do spirits buy food?

The ghostery store

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

which snack food ruined the silent film industry?

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Takis!

What do you call a vampire who works the night shift at a fast food restaurant?

Count Spatula!

If humans are at the top of the food chain...

Cannibals are one step above.

What is the most haram food for Muslims?

Pregnant pig. Because it contains pork. Double haram.

we used to call them "food fights"...

...kids today call them "all you can yeet buffets"

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