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Food Jokes

I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow
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I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...
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What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.
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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

Husband eats dog food

A married lady goes to her doctor for her annual checkup and everything is good. In her conversation at the end of all the tests and examination with the doctor she expressed a concern about her husband.

"As you know I raise champion golden retrievers and one evening I was making thier foo...
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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...
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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

I'll never understand why people say Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food.

It gets the job done for half the price. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?
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I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.
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What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings
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A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh fuck with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

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Porn is like fast food

Beforehand-Looks appetizing, quick, and affordable.

Afterwards-You feel ashamed and disgusted with yourself.

...and you have mayonnaise stuck on your hands.

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
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What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.
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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

What's the similarity between dark humor and food?

Some people don't get it.
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What is white and annoying while having food?

An avalanche
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My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.
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I'm not eating leftover thanksgiving food this year.

I'm quitting cold turkey.
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I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.
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If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food
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What’s a bukkake-lover‘s favorite fast food restaurant?

Five Guys.
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My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass
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I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
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I swallowed some food coloring yesterday

The doctor said I'd be fine, but I feel like I dyed a little inside
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What was Hannibal Lecter's favorite Japanese food?

Rawmen

Jokes about food should not be criticized too parshley

They should be taken in-gest.



English is not my first cabbage, and my 6-week old cauliflower did not write this joke.
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Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.
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Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious
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Why is it hard to get Indian Food in Afghanistan???

Because of the Thali Ban...
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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

It’s an old gag
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What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!
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I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
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What's a foot fetishist's favorite food?

Hot dogs.
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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"
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I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

Indian food is good for sleeping.

You doze off as soon as you hit the pilau.
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George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...
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Why does Bonnie Tyler only eat Greek Food?

She’s holding out for a gyro.
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Buying dog food

One day I was at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up ...

New local fusion restaurant opened. The chef decided to leave classical music for high food.

His most delicious dish yet was the ciabatta and fugu in a meuniere.
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I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds
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What is Gru's favorite food?

Filet Minion
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Noticed the similarity between food delivery drivers and gynecologists.

They can smell it, but shouldn't taste.
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Of all the vegetables I slaughter for food...

... I seem to pity onions the most.
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The expiry date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

there should be a spoiler alert
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My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
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What do you call the Mexican food that watches you from the bushes?

Stalkos
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I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.
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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.
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Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.
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Why did Oedipus' love adding soy sauce do his food?

Because it has tons Ooo Mommy.
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Food inspection

A food inspection officer went to 3 chicken farms

Farm 1
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 1: I feed them vegetables.
Inspector: WRONG! closed down this farm immediately

Farm 2
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 2: a little scared said i fe...
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I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious
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My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”
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Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.
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What was Hitler's favourite food?

Nazi goreng

You can try to fill the void with food

But it will never work if you keep swallowing it.
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How does a cannibal get their food at a restaurant?

They order ahead.
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Have you ever tried Turkish food?

You oughtta man!
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Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild
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what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.
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What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes
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I put cement in my friends food

He shit a brick when he found out

Food Coma….

A health forum speaker asks, “Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.”

After a long silence, an old man answered,

“Wedding Cake”…….
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What do you call an illogical joke about Indian food

A naan sequitur
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If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.
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I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.
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My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing £2.99....

That's almost £21 in Dog money.
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What is Hitler's favorite type of food?

Not Seafood

Jealous wife and the Food processor

A jealous wife, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr

Hi...
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A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.
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A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...
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TIFU by ordering food from my phone.

So I used the Subway app to order my lunch. I was in a hurry, so no time to wait in line. I put the order together, paid for it, and made my way to pick it up.

When I told the guy my name for the order, he handed it over and thanked me for my business. I went to check the food to make sure h...
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Where I live, I have poor cell phone coverage. I also have to drive several miles to get decent food and shopping.

The struggle is rural.
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A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
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Where do spirits buy food?

The ghostery store
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Breakfast Foods

I tried the Kentucky Brand jelly on my toast this morning.

This stuff is awful, how do you all eat this?
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I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...
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What's the british sea monster's favorite food?

Fish and ships
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I recently started selling Ricotta Cheese with some food coloring to make it orange.

It is a terrible whey to dye.
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What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow
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My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.
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My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
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What do a Food Network host and Oedipus have in common?

They both say “umami” far more than is appropriate.
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Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....
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The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...
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What's the deal with airline food?

It's so plane.
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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...
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What food results in the most expensive weddings?

Can't-elope
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What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious
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I've bought some German food

I've bought some German food from the internet.

The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come!
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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a fast food worker and an alcoholic,

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

There is one spice i will never understand why people use it in their food

I mean who wants to eat something with Cumin there?
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Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<
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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

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A man goes to the doctor because he can't keep his food down…

"I don't know why, Doc, but every time I eat something it just comes back up a little while later!"

The doctor examines him, and then says "I think you may be a good candidate for this experimental treatment I'm developing, if you're willing."

"At this point, I'm willing to try anythin...

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.
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which snack food ruined the silent film industry?

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Takis!
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Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner
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In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your food home from a restaurant.

Except one——Togo.
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