Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...


Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food

I guess you could call it food for thot.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

What is the Kraken's go-to comfort food?


I got banned from Instagram for posting food pictures

Apparently they only want to see the food "Before" you eat it, not "After"

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

What kind of food causes you to breathe fire when you're sleepy?

A filet mignon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a squirrel with a food fetish?

Fucking nuts.

I was at a restaurant that serves traditional Spanish food. I was shocked to see that they serve clamari, and with the squid's ink!

No one expects the Spanish ink cuisine!

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

What do you call someone who delivers Indian food?

A curry-er.

Politics is like Italian food.

You get the same pasta, but with a different sauce.

I went to a sea food disco last night...

I pulled a mussel

This just in: Michael Jackson stomach pump reveals he passed from food poisoning.

He had digested some 12 year old nuts

Dark humor is like food;

not everyone gets it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Chinese woman goes to a local fast food restaurant.

The cashier: “What can I get you ma’am?”

The woman orders.

The cashier then jumps over the counter and begins groping and attempting to kiss the woman in public,

The woman freaks out and pushed him away screaming “Why you do dis??”

The cashier says: “You said you wanted ...

What can be said for Vietnamese soilders and takeout food?

They never make it home

Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

He at a nine-year old wiener.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the point of eating food?

It all goes to shit anyways...

What was Oedipus’ favorite food?


What is the worst food to eat with Demi Lovato?

Soup because it is really hard to eat without a spoon

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year.

Let that sink in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill Clinton's food tester

Bill Clinton's food tester is walking through the White House wearing a big grin.

One of the staff sees him and asks, "Why are you so happy, today? Don't you have the shitty job of trying everything before the president eats it, in case its poison?

The food tester replies, "Yep! An...

I’d make a joke about food in front of starving children

But they wouldn’t get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life

Now I can’t even get into my own pants.

Thank God I don’t have to hunt for food...

I don’t even know where tacos live

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What was the slut's favorite food?

Tri tip sandwich.

Food Talk

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

How do you start a rave in africa?

Tie food to the ceiling

I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,

Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.

I was slightly traumatized while canning some food.

It was a jarring experience.

What is a ducks favourite food?


My dog got into my leftover Chinese food

It’s a dog eat dog world out there

Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that only serves Indian food?

Turns out the chef is a naan-conformist!

What’s the most naked food?


I once tried to pay for my food at Hooters with an energy drink...

Apparently Red Bull doesn’t give you wings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my women how I like my food

Without a penis

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

Three dwarves are lost, and have no food left.

Somehow, they make it to a giant’s house. Despite knowing that some giants eat dwarves, they are so starving that they decide to try their luck.

After knocking in the door, the giant’s kindly wife opens the door. She lets them in and prepares food for them, but warns them they will have to go...

Some would say I enjoy food puns too much...

I would say I relish in them.

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

People who sell dead animals for food are gross

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

Where do people settle food fights?

A food court

(Came up with this during lunch break)

What's a computer's least favorite food


I've got an amazing joke about a group of people obsessed with fish food!


An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

I ate some food earlier but cant remember what it was..

There was a piece of food stuck in molars and I managed to get it out.


Problem is, I cant remember what it was, but I have it at the tip of my tongue.

A sense of humor is like food...

...you're not allowed to have it in Soviet Russia.

Played Plague inc and chose to infect by food only

I couldn’t reach africa

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Did you hear about the man who overdosed on food colouring?

... he died

An Australian walks into his regular restaurant with his freind from Prague. They order some food and start a game of chess.

As they're finishing their meal, the waiter approaches the Aussie, "Oh hey, who's your friend? Can I get you guys anything else?"

The Aussie plays the final move of the game and says, "Check Mate".

Kid: why’s the food so cold and bland?

Dad: because your mom put her heart and soul into it!

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?


My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

Which food killed the tightrope walker?

A falafel.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here"

What is a physicist's favourite food?

Fission chips

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?


What's the heaviest food?

Wonton noodles

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"


Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"


Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

Friend: Have you tried Ethiopian food?

Me: yeah I’ve skipped lunch before

My friend thought he is so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.

So i threw a pineapple at him.

I had to go to the doctors because I grew antlers after eating Mexican food...

He told me it was a bad quesadilla.

So there’s this restaurant with really great food on the Moon.

But there’s no atmosphere at the place.

A fast food worker was stocking utensils when he ran out.

He went back to the manager and asked if she could order more.
"We don't need anything," said the manager.

"Okay, but...that's the last straw."

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

A king, a clown and a little red haired girl walk into an Italian restaurant.

Last thing they want is food poisoning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old lady went to buy cat food.

She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food...

I dont see anything wrong with GM foods.

I just had a nice leg of salmon and I feel fine.

What’s the only type of food hospitals stock?


An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.

They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He...

Why do republicans eat bland food?

They refuse to season anything liberally.

Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy.

I told them I'm a naan-believer.

I'm fat because I hate wasting food.

Personally, I blame Africa.

I hate the french and their food related fetishes

They're a pain in the ass

The amount of food I consumed last night, was of Biblical proportions.

I’m now dreaming of a wide Christmas.

LPT for stretching your food budget

Cut a minute steak into 60 pieces. Then everyone can have seconds.

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

I got food poisoning the other day.

Not sure when I'm gonna use it.

A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says "make me one with everything."

The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks.

The vendor replies,

"change comes from within."