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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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What is a food that, if eaten by women, could lower their sex drive by up to 90%?

Wedding cake

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

If Italian food is made by Italians and Indian food by Indians,...

who is making Dog food?

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

You know what I do when I get scared by frozen food?

Ice cream

What is you’re best taco/ Mexican food pun?

Hey reddit! So currently I work at Taco Bell taking orders in the drive thru. With covid-19 all going around, a lot of people have been more down compared to before. So I’ve been trying to make their days somewhat better. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: “hi welcome to Taco Bell, how ...

Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference?

Pay-per plates

Dark jokes are like food,

not everyone gets it.

Where do food condiments go when they need to see a doctor?

The Mayo clinic

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it

i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

What is the favorite food of the cannibal who only ate scientists?

Marie Curry

What’s the heaviest food in the world?

Wonton soup

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

Why is Whole Foods’ house brand called 365?

Cuz you have to work 365 days a year to afford it.

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

What’s a Redditors favorite food?

Cake

I think that if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day.

I think that until about lunchtime.

I ordered Chinese food yesterday. Small Chinese delivery driver comes to the door, so I walked out to meet him.

He started shouting "isolate, isolate." I said no you're not I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.

The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn’t collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, “Let my can be open, how do we close it?”

Where do picklocks get their fast food?

At Burgler King.

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There was a food fight at the burger joint, but I didn't participate.

I had no beef in that fight.

Have you tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

What did the microwave say to the food

MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm

Food enters from a pair of cheeks

Comes out from a pair of cheeks too!

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Day 1: Staying home, avoiding social gatherings and eating food in my room

Day 50: Continuing with this process

Day 100: Still feeling okay

Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what i do.

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

Panicking, I told the doctor that I couldn’t smell my food and it tasted plasticky. With a concerned look on his face, he told me to...

...remove it from the package.

I love eating food at midnight

It's pasta bed time!

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

Why did the songwriter eat Turkish food before recording a song?

They had heard that posthumous songs do well in the charts.

Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter

Isn't that nuts?

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If they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food, I'm fucked.

I don't even know where Doritos live.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Dark humor is like food...

Some people don’t get it.

What is a Soviet's favorite food?

Polish Sausage, because it's Warsaw-packed.

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

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My friend hoarded five pallets of toilet paper rolls but ran out of money for food and medicine. Then he says “I wonder if toilet paper is edible?”...

Ass King for a friend...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

Why is it impossible to hastily commute whilst abstaining from ingesting food or beverage and surrounded by foes?

Because you cannot fast travel when enemies are nearby

What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

Ordered Chinese food last night

When the delivery guy showed up to deliver it I went out to meet him saw it was a little Chinese man and he started shouting isolate isolate I looked at him and laughed and said you're not late it's only been 15 minutes since I ordered

How many jokes about Indian food do you know?

Naan.

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I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."

Am I the only one dying our kids’ food green this Saint Patrick’s Day...

...to acclimate them to eating expired foods a month from now in quarantine?

Kim Jong Un must be happy with Covid-19 as there will be more food left for him.

Just kidding. All the food is for him anyway.

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A guy walks into a supermarket to buy some dog food.

After he puts the dog food at the cash register the cashier replies: "Sorry, you must prove that you have a dog to purchase that. It's a new rule". Angry, the guy leaves.

The next day he comes to the supermarket to buy cat food. At the cash register, the cashier replies: "You can't buy that ...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

The was a fight at a sea food restaurant

There were battered fish everywhere

I'm really craving some fast food but I'm scared I might get what everyone else has been getting

Diabetes

I’ve never been in a plane before so I never knew what the deal with airline food was.

Does that mean the joke went over my head?

After working over 10 hours with no break, I was excited to see catering had made Vietnamese food. But I didn't have time to get any because there was a huge line.

Well that felt like a big "pho queue".

Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.

Have you noticed the fast food is tastier lately?

Because the food industry workers are finally washing their hands!

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

I don't know why people are so against genetically modified food..

I had a really nice leg of salmon the other day.

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

Food is getting so scarce, I just followed a squirrel so I could steal his nuts.

It was a lot of work for two small pieces of meat.

My girlfriend wants me to take her somewhere that they make they food right in front of you for Valentine’s.

Subway here I come...

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

My favorite Chinese food place is closed for COVID19.

The sign said they would wok from home.

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

If all the food runs out we always have each other.

~Hannibal Lecter (Probably)

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

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A texas woman chokes on some food.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks ...

You know that stack of fast-food napkins in your glove box?

Now it's their time to shine!

Day (8) of Isolation. I can't find my reading glasses, so opening food tins has now become a bit of a Lottery.

Today's lunch was Custard on Toast.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What is a dog catcher's favorite food?

Pound cake.

P.S. (I thought of this one on my own so hopefully it's original. My daughter liked it anyway so I guess that's all that matters!)

So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food.

My opening message was “I’m Batman!”

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite snack food?

Ding Dongs

What do you call a Scot who doesn't buy food from the discount shelf?

A show off

Veganism is like Communism..

They are both fine, unless you like food.

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir?

Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.

How do Australian chess players send their food back?

"It's stale, mate."

The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat

Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands!

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

I’m really enjoying one of Stephen King’s most famous movies while eating some fast food.

I guess you could say I’m lovin’ IT.

The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end

I love me a good old custardy battle

Grandpa, where did you go to get food when you were young?

Well son, I could go to a grocery store with a dollar and come out with a bag of chips and two chocolate bars. But now they have those pesky cameras.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

There's a newly opened pub near my house which is situated on the 50th floor of the building. Their food and drinks taste out of this world and their service is amazing.

They have set the bar too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

What does the F in North Korea stand for?

Food

What food do bots hate

SPAM

My housemate told me he went to the noodle bar and got food poisoning...

I was like "Why would you even order that?"

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

Was going to make a joke about Indian food.

But I got naan.

Jokes

Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

What kind of oven doesn't cook food evenly?

A baker's doesn't

What’s a pirate’s favourite food?

Pizza, it always comes in pieces o’ eight.

What's the best place to get Italian food in the ocean?

The Marinara trench

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food...

He eats his food, and then whips out a pistol and shoots the waitress in the head. As he exits the bar, the manager rushes up to him and says

“Hey, you can’t leave! You haven’t even payed the bill yet, and you also just shot one of my employees in the face. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”<...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

"What are you?" asks the cat.

"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.

I just love mischief!

And what, may I ask, creatu...

What do you call it when you make asian food in the jungle?

Taking a Wok on the wild side.

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