An international school teacher asks: “What’s your own honest opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”

An African student responds: What's food?

A Western European student: What's scarcity?

An Eastern European student: What's honest?

A Chinese student: What's opinion?

A Russian student: What's your?

An American student: What's other countries?

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Food for thought

Why did the tomato blush



He saw the salad dressing

What's a sea monster's favourite food?

Fish and ships

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

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Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

"Nothing special", he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

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A Horrible Food

My girlfriend use to give me a blowjob every morning and sex every night. Then she ate one food that cut our sex life 90%.

Wedding Cake

What do you call cold Mexican food?

A Brrrr-rito.

Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.

What is Peppa Pig's favourite food?

Her favourite food is Peppa-roni

What is a Pirate’s favorite fast food restaurant?

...Long John Silvers. Most probably thought I was gonna say “Arrrrby’s.” Lol

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Which city is the capital of food porn?

Nuttingham

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always love good breakfast food after trying to get pregnant.

Eggs Benedict to remind myself my eggs been dicked.

I’ll see myself out.

Two prisoners were talking about the food, saying how bad it was. One prisoner said to the other...

When I was Governor, the food was much better!

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

Food for Thought:

Apple Pie is 3.14 times better than apples by themselves.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine?

Because of the abundance of sand which is there.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie,

but some people say that’s irrational.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,

"Sorry about your weight."

What do you call an aquamarine aquatic mammal that expresses genuine enthusiasm for gelatinous foods?

A teal seal that feels real zeal for congealed meals.

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Every time I drink food coloring,

I dye a little on the inside.

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...

What's an athlete's favorite food?

Championchips

I had too much Middle Eastern food today.

Now I falafel.

What is a car's favourite food?

Traffic jam!

There were 4 squirrels.Squirrels A, B, C, and D. Winter was coming so they started collecting and burying food for hibernation.

A, managed to find a couple of berries lying around. B, found some acorns and seeds for his food.
C unfortunately, wasn't able to find anything.
D however, accumulated an abundance of walnuts, surely this will help him get through the winter.
A,B, and C, saw what D had and decided to jump ...

Went to the doctor the other day after drinking a gallon of food coloring

I was peeing all these funny colors. He diagnosed me with a case of "dye urea".

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What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

Don’t accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be SPAM.

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You have to get better at cooking or I’m gonna call the food police.

For a salt and buttery

What does food and dark humour have in common?

Not everyone gets it....

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

A zookeeper called a coworker at home and said they were out of camel food.

The zookeeer at home said, “alpaca lunch”.

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

My wife asked me how long our Indian food order would take.

I said, "How am I samosa know?"

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh?

Won ton.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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Spicy food is like a penis..

My mouth loves it, but my bum does not


(Sorry if a repost I tried to search)

Bought a huge flatscreen tv for $20 in an alley way after eating fast food

But when I got home and plugged it in a big Taco Bell menu popped up

What did the pirate say when he dropped his fast food order?

Arrr! Me harteys!!!

Kraft foods is moving their entire operation to Israel.

They’ll be renaming themselves “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

My husband can’t cook- he always under-seasons the food.

I’m a little salty about that.

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

I started a service to deliver kosher food.

I’m calling it Jewber.

What is a polar bear's favorite food? (Multi-questioned)

ICE-cream!

-What is a black bear's favorite food?

Blackberries!

-What is a grizzly bear's favorite food?

Campers.

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I set my burrito down on the window sill and went to get a drink. When I came back, there was a long line of ants running into my food!!

I hate sill ant row!

A guy goes to a fast food shop.

He goes to the counter and asks the worker (old lady) for a burger without onions. The lady takes a couple minutes inside the kitchen and comes back saying to the guy: “I’m sorry darling but we’ve run out of onions, can I offer you a burger without tomatoes instead”.

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

Unhealthy food

So the guy goes to the doctor, says he doesn't feel all to good. The doc poked him a bit, measured his pulse and stuff, and finally gave him a questionnaire about his diet.

So he reads about his last week's menu.
- Red meat? You can't have that much red meat! You know how much saturated f...

What’s Kronos’ favorite food?

A kids meal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

What do you call a Chinese food picnic?

A Wok in the park.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

My girlfriend and I broke up today because she said she didn’t like Indian food.

I told her it was Naan negotiable

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

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What is a prostitute’s favorite food?

Brothel sprouts.

I always get sad when I watch videos of gorillas using sign language to ask for food.

It's a shame there are so many deaf gorillas.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn...

But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.

Security guard 1: "Elvis is performing today and he wants Chinese food for lunch."

Security guard 2: "Quick! Get the jailhouse wok."

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

I saw a one legged man standing on the corner holding a sign that read “will work for food” so I did him a solid

And told him IHOP was hiring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Why was the food critic fired?

They didn't reference their sauces

If a health food salesman comes to your door ...

... Vitamin!

("Invite - him - in")

... never mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

The german guy choked on his food.

He said "im choking, I'm choking"

The other man said what are you joking about.

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

Have you heard the movie that they’re making about fast food?

It’s getting filmed in Greece.

I opened up a new food canning facility with a unique business model.

Pay what you can

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his food before it was cool

Why is british food so bland?

They've been trading spices for centuries and we all know dealers don't use their product.

All auto-cannibals think about is food

It’s self-consuming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a food that totally erases a woman 's sex drive.

It's called a wedding cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

When people are working at supermarket checkout counters putting the groceries into sacks, why don't they eat any food?

Because baggers can't be chewers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.

I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have Ethiopians.

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

What is a dog’s favorite food?

Fetchtables!

from my very proud 5yo

What's the deal with airline food?

This is not a joke. I think it's really plane

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

What Did Heracles Fry Food In?

Ancient Grease.

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

When Hannibal gets fast food, what does he order?

A kids meal, with extra kids.

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