A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Yesterday I gave my food to a beggar.....

....and today the beggar gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

Dark humor is like food.

Some people don't get it.

This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just went to a restaurant and all of my food was still fucking frozen solid. I asked the owner and he said that’s just how the product comes in.

10/10 ice cream shop would recommend again

PSA Free Food

Just wanted to let everyone know this. Around where I live, I have noticed that restaurants are putting their extra food in a bag and placing on a table. You can just come in and grab one. Now you won't know what's in it until you open in your car but it's can be a nice surprise and it's free.
...

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

I was hosting a dinner party and everyone thought my food was bad

Exept the smoke detector, that thought it was fire

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe?

The recipe needs to go step-by-step

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food decreases sex drive more than any other?

Wedding cake.

My least favorite food?

Sausage, specifically from Germany.

They're the wurst.

I had Indian food for lunch and almost choked on it

Talk about a paneer-death experience

I placed an order to pick up some food for dinner.

The person taking my order asked for a name and number. I said, “Stephen... and let’s go with 7”.

What food delivery service does Harry Potter prefer?

Dumble-Door Dash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

It’s strange disliking Chinese food while having an Asian Fetish

I’d like to eat out Chinese but I hate eating out Chinese

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Senators* leaving the *Capitol*"

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

Dark humor is like food...

I indulged in an unhealthy amount of it today, and now i want to kill myself.

What is common between a gynaecologist and a food delivery person?

They both can smell it but can't taste it.

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

Diet Day 1...I've finally got rid of all the fattening food from the house.

It was fu***ng delicious.

What Does Enya Use To Season Her Food?

Only Thyme

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

What is the trigonometry teacher’s favorite food?

COS Law!

Pros and cons of cooking food

Pros: food

Cons: cooking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just couldn't decide which asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.

I ended up calling it a Thai.

What food did the Italian wife make before a night of kinky activities?

Fetish-ini

What is a bus’s favorite food?

Children.

(Joke created by my 6 year old)

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

What do horses say when their food gets stolen?

Hay come back!

What is Batman’s least favorite food?

A: Chinese takeout

What's a sea monster's favourite food?

Fish and ships

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Horrible Food

My girlfriend use to give me a blowjob every morning and sex every night. Then she ate one food that cut our sex life 90%.

Wedding Cake

Duck Food

A guy walks into the pharmacy and approaches the pharmacist.

"Do you have any duck food?"

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell duck food."

The man leaves and returns the next day. Again, he asks:

"Do you have any duck food?"

"Uh, no, like I said yesterday, we don't carr...

What’s a vampire’s favorite ethnic food?

Maxi Pad Thai.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied:

Jesus is the reason for the season.

A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street

A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, “are you an orphan?”

The kid replies, “yes I am. What gave me away?”

The guy says, “obviously, your parents”

Are there any foods that start with 'th'?

Thoup and thauthages

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

Food that makes you cry.

My friend gave me grief for tears leaking feom my face when i was chopping some strong onions. He called me a weakling, and said there was no food that made him cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring...

The doctor says I'm ok, but I feel like I'm dyeing inside.

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between this joke and a nudist soaked in food coloring?

One is nude in dye and the other died in new.

What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning?

Soup de grace.

What do you call a fast food company that also manufactures airliners?

McDonald's Douglas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.

Turned out it was the anty pasto.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

They say fast food is bad for you...

so I ate a sloth.

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

What do you call cold Mexican food?

A Brrrr-rito.

Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

"Nothing special", he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

What food does an environmentalist hate?

Baked Alaska

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which city is the capital of food porn?

Nuttingham

So I work in a food store

I was told my jokes were a little cheesy before but I think their gouda. I moved to grocery and now their just corny. I just hope they aren’t jarring.

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy.

The jokes about food on this sub are cheesy......

I mean I'm not wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a sandwich shop...

This shop was the talk of the town. Fresh and new delicious sandwiches made each day.

The man ordered a footlong sub sandwich with all the fillings. He sat down and took a bite.

And spat it out immediately in disgust.

The bread was stale, almost rock hard, and tasted foul. Th...

Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine?

Because of the abundance of sand which is there.

What's the cheapest food in Gotham?

Batman and Ramen.

What do you call a terrorist who delivers food on the side?

Door Daesh

What is Peppa Pig's favourite food?

Her favourite food is Peppa-roni

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Describe eating spicy food.

That shit burns.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,

"Sorry about your weight."

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party

You want to do it, but you don't want to be the first, and you definitely don't want to be the only

Why do ghosts love health food

Because it’s super natural

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

Silent H

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my ...

I had too much Middle Eastern food today.

Now I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always love good breakfast food after trying to get pregnant.

Eggs Benedict to remind myself my eggs been dicked.

I’ll see myself out.

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

What food did the Russians eat under Stalin?

Propaganda. It gave them a red tongue.

Food for Thought:

Apple Pie is 3.14 times better than apples by themselves.

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie,

but some people say that’s irrational.

I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...

Every time I drink food coloring,

I dye a little on the inside.

What Are We Eating?

A can of tuna has a picture of a tuna fish

A pack of Ham has a picture of a pig

Turkey has a picture of a turkey

Egg carton has a picture of a chicken

Beef has a picture of a cow

Dogfood has a picture of a dog

What do you call an aquamarine aquatic mammal that expresses genuine enthusiasm for gelatinous foods?

A teal seal that feels real zeal for congealed meals.

What is a car's favourite food?

Traffic jam!

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spicy food is like a penis..

My mouth loves it, but my bum does not


(Sorry if a repost I tried to search)

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

Went to the doctor the other day after drinking a gallon of food coloring

I was peeing all these funny colors. He diagnosed me with a case of "dye urea".

Kraft foods is moving their entire operation to Israel.

They’ll be renaming themselves “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

Don’t accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It could be SPAM.

What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh?

Won ton.

A zookeeper called a coworker at home and said they were out of camel food.

The zookeeer at home said, “alpaca lunch”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

You are looking through your food bag after just leaving the Taco Bell drive through and find a note written on a napkin that reads "There are 2 armed men in here".......what do you do?

Eat your food.......1 armed men can't make tacos.

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have to get better at cooking or I’m gonna call the food police.

For a salt and buttery

Yesterday I was walking to an interview, there was a starving dog in the road so I stopped to get him food and missed my interview, the next day I got a call to to come in and do the interview, I was surprised and went in, then the interviewer came in

He was the dog

I heard that Sean Connery likes to cover his food in herbs.

But only partially.

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

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