Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

I like my women like my coffee

Preferably no pubic hair

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee

An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuport...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

I'm off to the police station to look at mug shots.


What kind of coffee is never on time?

>!the latte!<

So, My friend asked my how I like my coffee.

I told 'em to make it as black as my soul.

They handed me an empty cup.

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

TIL that the Bible states that only men should make coffee

It's in the book of He Brews

I like my women like my coffee

Any color, size, and shape is fine as long as they're sweet, warm, complex, and fair trade.

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

Th way I like my coffee is the same way I like jokes about the way I like my coffee.

I don't.


As seen above, the way I like my jokes is the same way I like my clothes from target... Stolen.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and


Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

How does Moses make his coffee.

Hebrews it.

I like my women like I like my coffee

Ground up and in the freezer.
Nah jk, I dont like coffee

This coffee tastes like dirt

Well it was ground this morning

A priest, a rabbi and an imam sit down for breakfast at Denny’s where they each order a grand slam and a cup of coffee.

They set aside their religious differences and bond over the hearth of American comfort food.

It’s just delightful.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

I like my women how I like my coffee....

On a menu board with the prices next to them.

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

I take my women like I take my coffee.

Really hot and all over my crotch while I'm driving.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

What do you get when you pour coffee into a black hole?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I drank civet coffee for the first time!

Honestly, it tasted pretty crappy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"


Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on ...

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”


Grandpa notices a full cup of coffee being cold on the table at a family party, asks "who didn't drink that coffee?"

Everyone starts looking around with question marks in their eyes, I couldn't help myself...
"Everyone didn't drink the coffee"

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my woman like I like my Coffee.

Without a Penis.

Coffee lovers come in many

But tea lovers come infuse

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The first time I had sex was on my antique coffee table."

"How old?"

"150 years, according to the seller."

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not my joke, I saw it on a different sub

“I like my coffee like how I like my slaves”

𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦

“Free, you racist bastards”

Why are programmers in a love/hate relationship with coffee?

Because it helps them work but it's made of Java.

never make fun of a man who drinks black coffee..

you will become the victim of a dark roast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My barista said he likes my coffee like he likes his women

That motherfucker put his dick in my coffee

A necrophiliac would say: "I like my coffee like I like my women...

room temperature.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

What did the cheese say to the other when they lost their coffee?

At least we hav ar ti

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Getting a coffee without a sleeve is like having sex without a condom.

You're likely to get burned.

My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce

Two women sitting having coffee

One woman looks out the window and says “Aw is that your husband coming home with flowers?!”

The wife responds, “Yes it is.”

The first woman responds by saying, "Oh you are so lucky".

The wife says, "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole weekend on my back...

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me


\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

What do you call sad coffee?


Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.


“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

What is a monkey’s favorite type of coffee?


A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

I tried that new Fortnight coffee.

It was two week.

What do you call the guy you buy coffee from in Antartica?

The brrrrrrista.

I like my coffee how I like my women

Dark, delicate, and shipped to me in a box straight from Colombia

I like my women how I like my coffee.

Medium cold, French Vanilla and Caramel Swirl, Regular.

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc".

Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

What do you call a wizard that brews great coffee?

The half and halfblood prince

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

What do they call a cup of coffee in China?

A cup of Zhou


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my coffee like I like my sex.

*Pulls money out of pocket and extends hand in a manner as if to pay someone.*

Fair Trade

What religion is a coffee machine?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like my porn like I like my coffee...

I could consume it at home but I’d much rather go to a Starbucks.

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

My wife left me because I’m too insecure

No wait, she’s back

She just went to make a cup of coffee


I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

How does Skywalker prefer his coffee?


My local Brothel started offering coffee recently

Eager to give it a try, I walked in and ordered a tall black.

Then I ordered my Latte.

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

Who's the most popular man at the nudist beach?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

A girl missed out on a quiz because she stopped at Starbucks for a coffee

She was Latte to the class

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Unintentionally neglected while I deal with some admin and eventually going cold on me.

How do you pay for coffee in space?

With star bucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

I like my girls how I like my coffee

Just kidding, I don’t like coffee, I’d rather have tea bags

A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

Coffee is the most silent victim ever.

It gets mugged every day.

I hate coffee jokes...

they aren't my cup of tea.

Why did the Jewish guy open up a coffee shop?

Cuz he brews!!

Asking for a 'Cup of Joe' is a fine way to ask for a cup of coffee...

Unless you're at a sperm bank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, and an atheist go to a coffee shop

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew and an atheist go to a coffee shop ... and they communicate, have fun, drink coffee, and become good friends. This is what happens when people are not assholes.

I like my r/Jokes how i like my coffee

The same damn thing everyday

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always put Viagra in my morning coffee

So I can work extra hard on the job

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee...

>**Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.**
>**Seven days later, they all ca...