I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard

Good news: It’s all under control

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

I like my men like I like my coffee

*sips tea*

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

How do Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee

The waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

"This coffee tastes like dirt!"

"What did you expect, it was ground this morning!"

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot

I don’t know how you sleep at night

John is drinking a cup of coffee.

Man: Why are you drinking so much coffee John?

John: do you know why my grandfather lived to his late nineties.

Man: mm, cuz he used to drink lots of coffee.

John: no, cuz he used to mind his own damn business.

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[NSFW] How is sex like a coffee shop?

The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

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Drinking coffee at 2am in night shift

Me: I was hoping to get some energy and alertness from you......

Coffee: Best I can do is poop.

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Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

Why do communists drink coffee?

Because proper tea is theft!

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A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

Wife: "Why is this giant bra on the coffee maker?"

Husband: "You said you needed k cups."

How does Harvey Dent take his coffee?

With half & half

I told the woman in Starbucks to make a coffee for my girlfriend.

"How strong?"

"Well," I replied. "I could definitely take her in a fight."

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Why is Starbucks coffee a ripoff?

Because you end up pissing away your money.

Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s

Never heard that one before

What does coffee share in common with Ginger Baker (drummer)?

They both suck without CREAM

Coffee spelled backward

Did you know that coffee spelled backward is Eeffoc, and I don’t give EEFFOC until I’ve had my first cup!

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

Coffee Shop Talk

Two women were sitting around talking about the men in their life. Once said, "...men are all alike!"

The other said, "...men are all I like too!"

Downloaded that ap where you post your location when you're drinking a good cup of coffee, I think it's called Grinder.

The real plus is that I haven't paid for a single cup yet!

The fellas around here are just so friendly.

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?

Take the spoon out of the cup.

An ISS astronaut says to his colleague, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

His friend replies, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

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What do you call a cup of inappropriate coffee?

an ejaculatte

What happened when Moses banged his shin into the corner of the coffee table?

HE-BRUISED IT!!

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

I like my education just like my hot coffee

No ICE.

Strong coffee

Two days ago I was trying to make a coffee in the morning but had no water. Instead of water I used RedBull to make my coffee... long story short, when I got to work realized I forgot my car

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are sitting outside drinking coffee and people watching.

The notice two people walk into a building, and a few minutes later the same two people walk out accompanied by a third person.

"They've multiplied!" exclaims the biologist.

The engineer says, "nonsense, that doesn't happen that quickly, it must have been a rounding error"

The m...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

How dothey get coffee to the arctic?

The Polar Espresso

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

I want to create a petition to switch the names of Mango and Coffee.

Because Coffee makes Man go

After a great late-night cup of coffee, the wife posted on Facebook, "Satisfied!"

The husband woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

I like my coffee like Hamilton liked the source of his income.

Black, and made by my wife.

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

Every time I drank coffee I would get this sharp pain in my eye...

I've started taking the spoon out now.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.


Really? I have the exact opposite.


Wow, seriously?


Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

When should you stop pouring milk into the coffee?

Before it is too latte

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Why does Obi-Wan keep his coffee on the top shelf?

He likes the high grounds.

When my 5 year old son asked me what coffee tastes like;

I said, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.” And he said, “Oh. Like shampoo.”

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

Who has the thickest coffee?

App developers. They like their Java GUI.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

My sister gave me some of her homemade exfoliating genital scrub to try. Made with 100% Arabica coffee grounds.

I said I hope it doesn't keep me up all night.

I finally leveled up my coffee game.

All that grinding was worth it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...

"I just want to get back to Nermal."

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

Searching for coffee? Just look down.

Chances are it'll be ground.

The worst cases of the coronavirus are from coffee lovers

They couldn't stop caffeine

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Three brothers aged 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

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I like my coffee like my women...

...Without a penis.

What do you get when you put coffee beans in the ground?

Ground coffee

How does Will Smith make his coffee?

The French Press of Bel Air.

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

I like my girls like I like my coffee...

Ground into little pieces and burned at high temperature.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

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Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers.

But I guess that's bound to be the case when you're awake nineteen hours a day.

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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