A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?

Take the spoon out of the cup.

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

I like my death metal like I like my coffee.

Dark and with lots of Meshuggah.

When should you stop pouring milk into the coffee?

Before it is too latte

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I was drinking coffee in the morning while reading about this condemned killer who was executed last night. When I read the part about how all the lights in the execution chamber when out because the electric chair pulled so much power, I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

Must've been a dark roast.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

I like my slaves like I like my coffee

Free

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.

The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.


He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 


The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

### Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.


"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kisse...

When my 5 year old son asked me what coffee tastes like;

I said, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.” And he said, “Oh. Like shampoo.”

Why does Obi-Wan keep his coffee on the top shelf?

He likes the high grounds.

I made my coffee with Red Bull this morning...

I made it halfway to the store before I realized I forgot my car.

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

Who has the thickest coffee?

App developers. They like their Java GUI.

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Why is Coffee for adults only?

Because it’s Not Tea.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

Garfield the cat, feeling lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, wakes up, has a cup of coffee and thinks to himself...

"I just want to get back to Nermal."

How does a rabbi make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

What’s your favourite type of coffee to drink while respecting the ‘stay at home’ order during the pandemic?

Mine’s depresso.

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2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine

"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a clitorus like a pickle" says one of them.

"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"

"No," says the man "That sour"

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming....

Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."

Now, O...

I finally leveled up my coffee game.

All that grinding was worth it.

How does Will Smith make his coffee?

The French Press of Bel Air.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.


Really? I have the exact opposite.


Wow, seriously?


Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

A man dies after falling into a giant coffee VAT

His wife told reporters: ‘He didn’t suffer. It was instant’

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I like my coffee like my women...

...Without a penis.

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop.

He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks"

This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee.

Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"

Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"

Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father."

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

How does Moses like his coffee

Hebrews it.

Why did the hippie burn his tongue drinking coffee?

Because he drank it way before it was cool.

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

Why don't bouncers drink large coffees?

Because its regulars only.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

Sanka

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary’ written on it,” she said furiously. “You had better have an explanation.”

“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, ...

I prefer women the same way I like my coffee...

Just a little bit hot and from the gas station.

Where is a dog's favorite place to get coffee in the morning?

>!Starbarks!<

A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. ...

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They are all better rich!

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

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An older gentleman is sitting on his porch one morning drinking his morning coffee

He lives across the street from a cemetery, and because he is retired he gets to see a lot of funeral processions go by as he drinks his coffee. However, todays procession was different than the others. There were two hearses with a man walking his dog behind the second hearse, and about 100 other m...

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Don’t forget the coffee!

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know wha...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

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What's it called when you cum in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

What did Thanos put in his coffee?

Half and Half

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

I like coffee so much

My friends think I'm Javanese

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