UPJOKE

### An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make ...

### I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station

### You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

### I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

### My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

### If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

### Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

### What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

### Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

### Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

### A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

### Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

### I like my r/Jokes how I like my coffee

The same damn thing every day

### How does an American cop like their coffee

Black with a couple of shots in it

### Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

### I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

### I like my humour like I like my coffee.

Dark and involving child labour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

### Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

### A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be \$2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

### This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

### Coffee

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: "Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?"

Abdul: "S...

### Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool.

### Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each bragging to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that bank building across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel building next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See t...

Depresso..

### I like my coffee like I like my wives,

From a third world country at a reasonable price.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

Freshly roasted

### What's a stoners favorite kind of coffee?

Iced Mocha Latte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

### "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye."

"Take the spoon out of your cup."

### An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

### I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

Brew-HaHa

### This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

### This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious

It was grounds for divorce.

### I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

Hebrews.

### Coffee and the Bible

Did you know the Bible talks about who should make coffee? There's a whole book dedicated to it called Hebrews.

### A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

### A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

### I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:

"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!"

### Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

affoGato

### Wife comes home and finds her husband sipping coffee with another woman

She starts swearing at her husband immediatelly.

He stops her: ‘Don't shout at me, this woman has come to see you.’

‘Me? You cheating liar, I don't know her at all!’

‘OK, let me introduce you then. This is Carol, wife of your lover…’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I decided to try a teaspoon of viagra in my coffee

It kept me up half the night

### A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What do you call it when you put arsenic in the coffee can at work?

Grounds for termination.

### With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something...

My coffee is just like my wife.

Ice cold, with no cream in it.

### Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

### If your coffee tastes like mud...

It's probably fresh ground...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My grandpa told me he likes his men like he likes his coffee

With milk and not in his butt

### A man visited his doctor, concerned about experiencing eye pain every time he indulged in a cup of coffee

"Doctor, every time I have my morning coffee, my right eye hurts. Is that supposed to happen?"

The doctor responded, "Well, it's certainly not a common side effect. But don't worry, you can still enjoy your coffee. Just remember to remove the spoon before taking a sip.”

*Espresso*

### A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

### My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

### Why did the coffee lose the lawsuit?

Because it had no legal grounds

### My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed

Apparently it's grounds for a divorce

### I don’t really like coffee.

It’s not my cup of tea.

### Two elderly couples are having coffee

The husbands are talking, and one says "Oh, we went to this most wonderful restaurant the other night. You should try it. It's down by the river. But I just can't seem to remember it's name. Help me out...what's the name of the flower, it's usually red, it has thorns, you give it to someone you ...

### I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

### What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?

Oppresso.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why didn't the Jew pay for his coffee?

Because Hebrew it himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why do Hawaiian Cockroaches hate Kona Coffee so much?

Because it turns them into Jitterbugs.

### I overheard two women at the coffee shop having a lurid conversation about Bukkake.

One woman apologized and asked if I was offended by the topic.

I told her that I didn't mind and she was welcome to talk about it until she was blew in the face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hebrews

### I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory.

We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.

Luckily it was instant.

### Moms Recipe for Iced Coffee

Have Kids.
Make Coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
_*DRINK IT COLD*_

### At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

### I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

### Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?

He had no proper tea..

### Simon met up with Tim for coffee

Simon Said: „Wasn‘t yesterday‘s power cut a nightmare! I was stuck in a lift for 4 hours!“

„Oh, you had it easy,“ said Tim. „I was left standing on an escalator for 5 hours!“

### My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

### This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Went to Switzerland and I had such a delightful time. Only issue was, I paid \$100 for a cup of coffee and a blowjob

What kind of absurd country charges \$98 dollars for a cup of coffee?

### My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for \$500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

### A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

### Seeing all of these coffee jokes lately..

Im getting Deja Brew

### (Wife’s joke) I like my cooter like I like my coffee…

Full of cream. (God I love this woman)

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