Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

What do you call an astrophysicist who hasn’t had his coffee yet?

Neil Decaf Tyson

How does the jewish man get his coffee?

Hebrews it.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate coffee

It irritates the shit out of me.

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

I was quite embarrassed at how sweet I made my coffee this morning.

Imagine my sugarin'.

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried the worlds most expensive coffee,

It was a load of shit.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. W...

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

What's a cow's favorite coffee?

Decalf

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

All men should make coffee for their women.

It says right in the Bible: "HEBREW"

Why does Karl Marx drink coffee before going to lectures?

To maintain class consciousness.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

An Old woman in a nursing home asks for her coffee

Nurse: How do you want it?
Old Woman: Like my men
Nurse: Gotchu, black & hot
Old Woman: Hell no, white and sweet

My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a gay's favourite coffee?

Ejaculatte.

What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination

it's the reason ice mocha lot of weed.

son: dad this coffee shop is closed. what do we do?

dad: don't worry, we'll try the nescafe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

What kind of coffee is never on time?

>!the latte!<

I accidentally drank from a co-workers coffee cup. It tasted horrible.

It was not my cup of tea.

I like bad kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes...

I hate talking to people until I have had my morning coffee

I don't drink coffee

Why did the coffee file a police report?

He got mugged!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If American coffee lovers ever made a porn channel what would they name it?

No- Tea America

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

Why did the coffee bean hide in the tree?

He heard he was going to be grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese coffee master

senseo

Today my coffee tasted cruddy.

So I came up to the waitress by me and said, “excuse me, but my coffee tastes like mud.”

“It should!” She replied. “It’s fresh ground.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I just got home after a date and the girl wanted to join me for some coffee.

I said no.

Who the fuck drinks coffee at 10PM?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

What does a coffee bean tell when he insults another coffee bean

'' You just got ROASTED ''

Mike Pence and Donald Trump are getting coffee.

Trump: I will have less sugars.
Pence: Actually boss, it’s fewer.
Trump: I told you not to call me that outside of the bedroom.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

What’s Captain America’s favorite type of coffee?

Americano

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spellin...

Descartes is sitting in a coffee shop.

He is drinking coffee and writing his philisophical thoughts. When he finishes his coffee the waitress asks him if he would like some more and he replies "I think so". He sits there for another half hour when he finishes his new cup of coffee. The waitress comes again to asks him if he would like an...

My wife threw used coffee residue at me.

My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce.

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull

He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 70's liked their government like they liked their coffee?

Without a Dick in it.

What do you call a cow that's drank too much coffee?

Over-calfinated

Want some emo coffee?

It's fresh brood!

What's a police officers favorite kind of coffee? (OC)

Black with extra shots.

I bought coffee at the circus once

It was the greatest Joe on Earth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form.

But it is when it's ground.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Cause he drank the coffee before it was cool

So, My friend asked my how I like my coffee.

I told 'em to make it as black as my soul.

They handed me an empty cup.

Day 214 without iced coffee

I guess you can say I am depresso for espresso

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This coffee is like having sex in a canoe.

...It's fucking close to water.

What do you call a tree surgeon who makes good coffee?

An arborista.

What's a KKK member's favourite coffee?

Dark Roast.

I sued a department store for selling me a broken coffee grinder.

I lost the case; the courts told me I had no grounds.

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.