What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

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I like my coffee like my women...

...Without a penis.

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

I like my girls like I like my coffee.

Dark and across the counter.

Why did the hippie burn his tongue drinking coffee?

Because he drank it way before it was cool.

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. ...

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Mary’ written on it,” she said furiously. “You had better have an explanation.”

“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, ...

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Great coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Vi...

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

Sanka

Where is a dog's favorite place to get coffee in the morning?

>!Starbarks!<

What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They are all better rich!

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water...

... I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home...

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

I prefer women the same way I like my coffee...

Just a little bit hot and from the gas station.

"Everytime I drink my coffee, my eye hurts."

Those were the words I said to my doctor.

He then instructed me to prepare a coffee, like how I always did.

I poured hot water into the cup. Added the coffee, sugar then the creamer. Stirred a few times, then took a sip. My eye hurt.

He then said "try removing the teaspoon befo...

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Don’t forget the coffee!

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know wha...

In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

As a straight guy, I like my coffee like I like my men

I don't like coffee

what the Australian want in his coffee?

coffee mate

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

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What's it called when you cum in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

What did Thanos put in his coffee?

Half and Half

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

A man working at a coffee manufacturing plant slips and falls into a vat of boiling hot coffee.

Friend: I can only imagine it was a slow death.
Wife: no. It was instant.

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

So on the way home my coffee mug was stolen

I guess you could say I was mugged

I like my coffee like I like my men

Jammed into a plastic container with a lid on top and filled with boiling hot water.

There is a Jewish man that works at a local coffee shop near me...

...Hebrews better than anyone else in my town.

I drunkenly got a tattoo of my coffee holder in a bizarre place, and now I feel cold all the time

It's my internal thermostat.

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

Rudolph had to ask Santa why Dasher and Dancer are always taking coffee breaks?

Santa: Because those two are my star bucks.

Why did the British guy spit the coffee at a cafe?

He was looking for a property.

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

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I can never go back

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his
help to revive her man's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy.

"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coff...

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

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I hate coffee

It irritates the shit out of me.

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

What do you call an astrophysicist who hasn’t had his coffee yet?

Neil Decaf Tyson

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

How does the jewish man get his coffee?

Hebrews it.

I was quite embarrassed at how sweet I made my coffee this morning.

Imagine my sugarin'.

Who do you think is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy that can carry 12 donuts and 2 cups of coffee.

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I tried the worlds most expensive coffee,

It was a load of shit.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

Why should you insult your coffee beans before brewing them?

To make sure they are well roasted.

What's a cow's favorite coffee?

Decalf

What do you call a Jewish Mr. Coffee machine?

A He Brew

All men should make coffee for their women.

It says right in the Bible: "HEBREW"

1900: Let's filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

A depresso

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