If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "Thank you" will do.

None of this "Who are you?" Or "How did you get in my house?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

A man and his wife were sitting having breakfast when the wife said...

"If I were to die would you get married again?".

The man said "That's a terrible thing to say. It's such a beautiful morning and we're having a wonderful breakfast together you bring up this horrible thing about death. Forget about it."

But his wife didn't forget about it and she brou...

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife

He pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up,...

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

What's the most evil of breakfasts?

Luftwaffles

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in hi...

The restaurant's menu said "Breakfast Any Time"

So I ordered steak n' eggs from the Renaissance Period.

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; righ...

What did a guy with a 2 inch pecker have for breakfast?

Well, I had 2 eggs, some bacon, hash browns and toast.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a breakfast franchise?

Porkins!

Bayern Munich won't need breakfast, lunch, or dinner tommorow, because they

8-2 much.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys were playing in their room about to go for breakfast.

One 8, one 5.

The 8 year old looks at his brother and says, "You know what, I think it's about time we can curse. We should give it a try."

"Oh, I dont know about that, mom could get mad at us!"

"Thats silly, we're big boys now, we can do it."

"Ok, I can try."

"Jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish couple, an English couple and a Scottish couple are having breakfast together in a hotel..

The English husband says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife.

The Scot follows suit, says to his wife "could you pass me the honey, honey?"

The Irishman then turns to his wife and says "could you pass me the milk you fucking cow?"

What does Covid have for Breakfast?

Coughee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Tiffany had prepared a lovely breakfast for her three sons, and asked them what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll have some of that fucking sausage,” said the oldest. Tiffany gave him a proper spanking for his foul language, and sent him to his room without any breakfast.

She returned to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breakfast for the Mailman

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his wa...

I think that if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day.

I think that until about lunchtime.

What does the military contractor have for breakfast?

Conflicts.

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

A starving man traveling the country goes door-to-door begging for his breakfast meal.

One lady opens her door to the man and he says, “please I am starving, I have nothing but some rocks in my pocket. If you let me eat some eggs, I’ll show you eating my rocks!”

The lady lets the man in and gives him some eggs. The man then asks for a pan to lay the eggs. Then he asks for oil t...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

What do scientists eat for breakfast?

Special Potassium

If you had a Fried Egg for breakfast yesterday, what should you have today?

A Sattered Egg.

I was making breakfast for my kids and I tripped. I fell onto a hot iron.

It was waffle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Chinese neighbors had Waffles for breakfast

Bastards. I LOVED that cat

What do you call someone, who murders your breakfast?

A cereal killer.

My son was mixing the pancake batter with a whisk in both hands while he was helping my wife make Father’s Day breakfast.

I gasped and said, “honey, do you really think you should be letting him do that? That looks two whisk-y!”

There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery,

and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.

Being a vegetarian is easy, I eat oatmeal for breakfast

and the rest of the day I survive off my feelings of superiority

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast.

A doctor and his wife were have a huge argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!”then stormed off to work. By mid-morning he knew he needed to make amends, so he called home. “What took you so long to answer?” He asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you d...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

What’s the difference between cake and pie?

πr^2, cake are round

Bonus:

What do jokesters eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

Why do french people only eat one egg at breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

What do you call a German breakfast food

A luftwaffle

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast...

...at ate a glock every morning.

in honor of 35 years this month,joke told in cieling of the movie The breakfast club.

A naked woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder, bartender says hey nice pig...It' not a pig the woman says back...Bartender answers...I was talking to the parrot.

Ceiling oops.

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back ...

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left....

the place was giving me the crepes..

We were so poor growing up

that for breakfast we had Ordinary K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast?

Because he didn't like the juice.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

Two guys show up late to a cannibal breakfast

All they get is the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

Three guys go to a ski lodge but there isn't enough room so they have to share a bed...

The next morning, at breakfast, the guy who slept on the right says

_"I had a dream I got a handjob last night_"

The guy who slept on the left says

_"Wierd! I had the same dream!"_

The guy who slept in the middle says

_"I dreamt I was skiing"_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

My sister asked me to eat her out this morning

I love breakfast inbred

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

What did Matthew McConaughey have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in China?

All rice, all rice, all rice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Tommy lived on a farm,

He woke up one morning and went downstairs for breakfast. Little Tommy's mom said "no, you have to do your chores to get breakfast!"

Little Tommy stormed out of the house an went to feed the chickens and kicked one on the way out. He tromped over to the pigs and kicked one of them as he fill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

The 3 Paddys

Paddy Englishman,Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishamn were travelling together.
They'd booked a hotel room, but there was a bit of miscommunication.
Their room only had one large bed.
The next morning, over breakfast, Paddy Englishman said:
"I had a great nights sleep, I dreamt that I was g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband....

A wife asks her husband "Honey, what do you want for breakfast?"

Husband: " I want sex" and he starts fucking her, finishes, and goes out for some errand.

...

Time passes by and its noon and the wife comes to her husband again.

Wife: "Honey, what do you want for lunch?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kids come to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fucking French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, spanks him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fucking French toast for me," he says. She is liv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between cunnilingus during a woman's period and breakfast?

The way the scrambled eggs taste.

What do the Knights of Cydonia eat for breakfast?

Museli

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.

The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new r...

What’s Popeye’s favorite breakfast?

Egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg-egg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

Arrested

Went into a store the other day and got caught stabbing boxes in the breakfast food aisle . The charge? Cereal killer.

The joke's posted below

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Coldwater can do

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.

The bar tender says “I’m sorry. We don’t serve breakfast.”

2 astronauts are in the ISS having breakfast

One asks the other, "can I have some milk for my coffee?"


The other replies, "in space, no one can. Here, use cream"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bender’s Breakfast Club unfinished joke

Saw this online so I thought I’d post it for everyone else wondering what it would be.

A naked blonde walks into a bar carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.

So the bartender says “So I don’t suppose you’ll be needing a drink?”


The blonde says ...

A teacher told his student: Why don’t you wash your face?I can see what you had for breakfast this morning

The student: What was it?
Teacher: Eggs
Student: No,teacher, that was yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother asked her two son what they would like for breakfast

The first brother says I would like some damn Cheerios

The mother absolutely horrified slapped her son and said never do that again.

The mother then ask the second brother what he would like for breakfast

He said I sure as fuck don’t want Cheerios

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A son walks to his dad at breakfast

Son: Hey Dad, how's your diarrhea this morning?

Dad: What are you saying, I don't have diarrhea.

Son: Are you sure? Because I heard Mom last night asking you if your shit will ever get hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

The breakfast at this hotel is the bomb.

I upgraded from the Continental Breakfast to the intercontinental ballistic missile breakfast.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter

After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a lon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

What does a counterfeiter eat for breakfast?

corn fakes

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

What breakfast cereal do they serve at the Swiss clinic, Dignitas?

Cheerios!

(Insert good title here)

Q:What is a books favorite breakfast?

A:A synonym roll!

First post

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age

So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium!

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

An angel appears to a man in a dream...

The angel offers him a choice - He can have the Wisdom of Solomon, or $50,000,000. Believing that this was a test from God, the man choses Wisdom.

The next morning, the man is having breakfast with his friends and he recants the story to them. When he’s finished, one friend says, “If you’re ...

Two blonde girls were having breakfast.

One of them said "Yesterday I slept with two Brazilian guys!"



The other said "Wow, I don't even think I've seen that many guys!"

Navy pilot Vs Marine pilot

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George The Mailman

It’s George The Mailman’s last day on the job after 30 years and the last go at his route. He delivers mail to the first house and there is a nice little envelope with his name on it and a $20 bill thanking him for his loyal service over the years. The second house had a nicely wrapped package for h...

So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

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