UPJOKE
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

Where did the mosquito bite?

A couple was watching a movie in a dark theatre. A mosquito entered the girl's skirt. Where did it bite??



>!On the guy's hand!!!<

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Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

What is the epitome of all bark, no bite?

a tree

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

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An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

The teacher was telling us a story about the time when she went camping in the forest with her family and they saw a huge snake, and she asks: do you know why the snake didn't bite? Because....

From the back of the classroom, a student shouts: Because snakes don't bite each other.

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A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

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What do you call it when a fowl chasing Boris Johnson bites him in the butt?

Chicken cacciatore.

(I'm so sorry.)

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A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged



\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

What do you feed a hungry robot?

Mega-bites.

Just an average joke by my sister

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

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Two guys were out hunting; one of them, Ralph, goy bit on the penis by a snake.

While Ralph writhed on the ground, the other guy, Ted, called poison control and asked what to do to save his friend.
The guy on the phone tells Ted that he needs to score the bite and then suck the poison out.
After a few uh-huhs and nods, Ted hangs up the phone and looks at Ralph with big s...

Stan and Eddy go fishing

Near Corner Brook.....

They drop the 14' aluminum boat in a nice local lake, fire up the 9.9 and go looking for a good spot.

After several hour of no bites they finally find a shoal and start catching fish.

After a bit Stan says to Eddy" I need to go to the can, we need to go ...

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

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I stole a dog and named it Boomerang

I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

A topologist walks into a donut shop.

He grabs a mug and a donut at the counter, then goes to fill the mug at the self serve station. At the self serve station he pours coffee on his donut then bites his mug.

I was afraid to go to the doctor, but my friend told me to just bite the bullet.

If you need me, you can now find me at the dentist.

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary

He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:

"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"

The wife removes her bra and says:

"See what he did to me!"

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Giant Beast…

Two hunters were out in the woods and got lost. After a while they decided they were going to have to make camp for the night. While looking for a place to settle down the came across a giant green monster. After a struggle they manage to kill the beast.

A bit of time by and one of them says...

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

Snake bite

Did you hear about the Australian guy who had a snake come out of the toilet and bite his sack? The guy was OK but the snake died...it had a nut allergy.

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

“I went fishing with my new tackle and got plenty of bites.”

“Trout?”

“No, mosquitoes.”

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you in...

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse.

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too e...

Do you know what I love?

Halloween. There's nothing quite like the look on a kids face after they take a bite of a big ole caramel covered onion.

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can bite his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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What do you get when your donkey bites off the legs of my rooster?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

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I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Or even better: don't bite hands.

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

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A farmer walks into a patent office

He tells the clerk that he'd like to get a patent for a new fruit he's grown. Confused, the clerk asks "what's so special about a new fruit?"

The farmer replies "on one side it tastes like an apple and on the other it tastes like an orange."

The clerks immediately replies "bullshit!" S...

Dog

A man was walking down the street when he saw another man walking a 5 foot dog. The man asks "does your dog bite?" "No my dog doesn't". The man pats the dog and he immediately gets his hand bitten off. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?" asked the injured man. "That's not my dog replies the ...

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A toothbrush salesman had a booth on a street corner.

One day he was approached by a man looking for a job. The salesman, skeptical of this random person’s sales ability, agreed that if the man could sell 100 toothbrushes in a day, that he could have the job.

At the end of the day the man approached him saying “I’ve sold all 100 toothbrush, can ...

Does your Dog bite?

A man walks in and sits at the Bar.
he looks around the room and notices a bloke sitting at the other end of the Bar with a massive dog sitting on the seat next to him.
He walks over and says "Jees, that's gotta be the biggest Dog I've ever seen" the bloke nods in agreement.
He then asks "...

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

Balls

Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was licking its balls. The other guy said “I wish I could do that.” The dogs owner said “well… he’d probably bite you”.

Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

My wife heard it's seductive to bite her lip...

I don't have the heart to tell her it's meant to be the bottom one.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.”

No...

One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:

"Its FOR-BIDEN!"

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

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Shopping

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food witho...

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

Train

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth ju...

What is something you can only ever bite once?

The dust.

The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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For years I wondered why biting my lip all sexy-like never seemed to work on the ladies...

until my friend let me know you're supposed to bite your bottom lip

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

Which animal has the softest bite?

“Gummy” bears

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