I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bite his ankles.

~ My Chihuahua

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

“Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"

That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION

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A lawyer was walking down the street...

When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them.
“No way!” She exclaimed
“What about for $1000?” He persisted
“No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?”
“You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked.
The...

Does your dog bite

A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the ...

What do you call a cannibal who keeps taking bites out of his siblings?

A munchkin

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

Did you know, if you bite your own tongue knowingly, it doesn't hurt?

Did you know that you just bit your tongue?

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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What do you call it when a lizard bites your dick

Ereptile dysfunction

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

Bite My Eye

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a ...

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?

A hippo-crit.

Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy

What do you call it when more people bite dogs than dogs bite people?

China

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My wife has this weird kink, where she loves to bite and suck my foreskin after sex

Kind of makes me wish I threw it out after the circumcision

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A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agree...

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

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Doesn’t it suck when you’re playing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ On your iPhone At Full Volume...

...and everyone else at the funeral gets all pissy at you?

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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My wife bites her lips to look sexy.

I just don't have the heart to tell she has to bite the bottom lip.

I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.

Don't go see Dr. Acula

I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

It usually works when flirting, Bite your lip.

P.S. Your lower lip.

My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite.

I didn’t know he was lack toes intolerant.

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

What do people who bite their fingers say to intimidate people?

I’m not scared of you, I eat nails for breakfast every day!

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

When an eel bites your thigh at the beach (at low tide)

That's a moray

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites the legs of my rooster off, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

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What did the Japanese father say to his son when he got a bug bite on his knee?

You got an ichi-ni-san?

37 Was looking all around trying to figure out who took a bite from his cake, turns out...

38

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A student is going through some hypotheticals about snakes to their biology teacher

student:"What if it bites me and it dies?"

Teacher:"that means you’re poisonous."

Student:"What if it bites itself and I die?"

Teacher:"It’s voodoo."

Student:"What if it bites me and someone else dies?"

Teacher:"That’s correlation, not causation."

Student:"w...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" Th...

Snake bite

Two hunters go out into the woods and one of them gets bitten by a snake, collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter quickly calls emergency services and says "You have to help me, my friend just got bitten by a snake and died." The operator says "OK, calm down. First, make sure he is dead." Th...

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Oka...

Guy goes to a sandwich shop for a bite to eat

Walks in to the restaurant, and looks at the menu. After a minute he approaches the sandwich counter and asks the employee to make him the /r/jokes sandwich. The guy takes his sandwich to the table and sits down to eat. He takes a bite into it and immediately spits it out and says "this thing tastes...

I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,

"no, but you can have 8 bits."

I offered my Muslim girlfriend a bite of my gorilla sandwich but she shook her head and said...

"That's haram, bae."

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

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You heard your teeth and jaw could bite your fingers off as easily as carrots but your brain blocks it.

Just try not to think of that during your next blowjob.

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Biting Boobies

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The o...

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

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