This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call receiving oral while eating a steak?

Fellatio Mignon.

Don't you think eating clocks is

Time consuming

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

I was told to stop eating fast food

so I ate a turtle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What's the worst part about eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Saw a Dog killing then eating a Mouse the other day!

I thought to my self
“F-it he just cut out the middle man!”

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did shaggy say when scooby accused him of eating all his scooby snacks?

"wasn't me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

Last night i had a dream i was eating noodles

But when i woke up i couldnt find my earphones.

Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.

Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"

Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."

Sherlock...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Baptist ministers were eating lunch when one went on and on about young people having sex before marriage. He said, “God forbids it. It is a sin and I didn’t have sex with my wife until our wedding night. How about you?”

The other minister thinks and then says, “I don’t think so, what was her maiden name?”

Whats the worst part about eating ass?

Definitely the corn

What do you call an atheist who's eating English toffee?

Heathin'

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?

They like to bone a petite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Do Sharks Scare People Before Eating Them?

They taste better when you scare the shit out of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eating pussy is like working for the Mafia.

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

And one clown says to the other: "I think we're in the wrong joke."

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

A man died after a taco eating contest. Do you know how many tacos he ate?

Not enough.

Doctor: You need to take this medicine after eating food

African kid: *cries*

My dad says that eating cherries can actually boost your testosterone!

He said to me, “*Son*, to truly become a man, all you have to do is pop a few cherries.”

I never knew it could be so easy! I’ve been popping a few cherries with each meal. I haven’t noticed any changes yet... but I’m sure they’ll come!

^OC

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods

But it’s harder to deter gents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My third wife died from a cracked skull...

...the bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Finally tried eating duck eggs....

Not all they're quacked up to be.

I just bought a book about combatting stress-eating.

It was delicious.

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other says

"No"

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

I got fired for eating chips at work.

Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

What’s the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheel chair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

Why is eating honey so healthy?

It contains a lot of vitamin Bee

What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

"Permission to continue eating this dead animal on the side of the road," said the young vulture to his supervisor.

"Carrion."

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What’s better than eating a mandarin

Eating Amanda out!

What did the cannibal say while eating an Alabama man sandwich?

"I like my people inbread."

What did the man say after eating a frozen pizza?

That wasn't well thawed out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was gonna make a joke about eating ass

But I was worried it would come off tongue-in-cheek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl walked into a barber shop eating a muffin...

She sat down next to the chair where a customer was getting a haircut.



The barber turned to the little girl and shook his head. "You'll get hair on your muffin."


The girl smiled up at the man and nodded. "Yeah, they say I'll get tits too!"

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What does smoking and eating pussy have in common?

Eventually you get to the butt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are eating at Hooters for their 20th anniversary.

A busty gorgeous blond waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink.
"Oh my god you are gorgeous." Said the husband with the intent of pissing his wife off.
His wife just shook her head and smiled.
"Why don't you introduce your wife to her you pig, or better yet, introduce her...

[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when

she fell onto the floor.

She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

I tried eating with one of my war buddies, but he chewed so loudly.

It was like, 'Nam 'Nam 'Nam...

Why did the cannibal have trouble eating a vegetable?

He couldn't swallow the wheelchair.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

As two hungry goats tried eating movie film stock...

...one turned to the other and said, "I don't know about you, but I thought the book was better."

Man I love eating vegetables!

Anyway, that’s how I lost my medical license.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can do a magic trick by eating these 2 pieces of string.

I shit you knot.

What’s the difference between an epileptic eating clams and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits, and the other...

Have you ever gotten half way through eating a horse??

And thought, "I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch..

A grandpa is eating cake on the couch and his grandson asks if he can have some.
The grandpa says "can your penis touch your butthole?" The grandson says no. The grandpa says okay there's your answer.
The next day grandpa was eating ice cream at the table and the grand son asks if he can have...

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson...

Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

"Now you'll be eating for two," said the doctor. "Am I pregnant?" she asked with a smile.

"No, it's cancer."

What does a Spanish cow say after eating grass?

Grassias

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.




The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

My dad had an accident once eating curry

He slipped into a korma.

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

We were eating at a local restaurant last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

I started eating more pasta, and suddenly became psychic...

... you could say I had *penne* for their thoughts.

A guy is eating breakfast with his wife....

When he hears a knock at the door, he gets up and opens the door and sees two people


"You need to be saved!" the first person at the door says

"Get outta here with that bullsh\*t" the guy says

"But sir, if you don't get saved, you'll burn!" the second person says

"I...

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting the catheter back in.

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton.

Apparently they were his own personal cheeses.

When a cannibal is eating a missionary man, what does he have for the sides?

God. Because the missionary man, he's got God on his side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is eating pussy vegan?

Only if you’re good at it. Otherwise it’s a product of animal suffering.

I fondly remember the good times of living in the Netherlands eating egg yolk based sauces

... ahhhh the hollandaise

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an ass-eating sea creature

a bottom feeder


(creds to a friend)

Eating alfalfa makes you alpha

Almost two alpha

What did the horse say when it caught another horse eating it’s food?

Hey

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.