On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”

The other replies “nope”

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

Eating a watch

I ate a watch once.

It was pretty time consuming

Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says...

is anything okay?

It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

Why did Olaf lose the schnitzel-eating contest?

Because Olaf ate six, Sven ate nine.

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

Two kids were walking down the street. One was drinking battery acid and the other one was eating firecrackers.

Police charged one and let the other one off.

I like to imagine that Little Debbie has been eating her cakes over the past several years...

She’s probably had to change her name to Debra by now

Two clowns are eating a cannibal

One clown looks at the other and says, “I think I told it wrong.”

My grandad commited suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano.

He didn't leave a note.

I love eating glow worms

Especially as a light snack

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

I was eating steak at a restaurant.

A girl with a pro-vegan shirt on walked to me and said "Enjoying your meat, murderer?"

Jesus Christ, Sydney. It was 15 years ago, and your dad had a gun.

I was eating a hamburger and accidentally dropped it on the floor......

But it’s ok, it was made from ground beef.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

Carmen was eating a hard-boiled egg on the beach, but she dropped it.

Where in the world did Carmen's sandy egg go?

A group of friends are eating dinner at a restaurant

They are surprised to realize that their waiter is a duck, however service was good so they couldn't complain. They ask for the check and it comes to decide who pays what. One of them speaks up and says, "I'll foot the bill!" He then proceeds to kick the waiter in the face.

(As the group runs...

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair.

What ugly mythical creature is constantly eating?

A goblin

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Goldilocks was killed for eating someone else's porridge.

The murderers did it with their bear hands.

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux eating

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were eating crawfish. Thibodeaux got carried away sucking the heads and began choking. Boudreaux, being the international oilfield hand that he was, trained in first aid, recognized the international sign for choking, and jumped up to help him. He ran behind Thibodeaux, pu...

Why did the Pilgrims spend their first Thanksgiving eating outside with the Indians?

They didn't have reservations

What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

“You know kid, you’re gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.”

To which the kid replies, “Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.”

Surprised, the man...

What do you do after eating vegetables?

Try to sell the wheelchairs

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out

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What does Blizzard the NBA and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A vegan came up to me told me that eating meat is disgusting

I told her that eating fruits and vegetables are grocer

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What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

So here I am eating a clock

It's very time consuming so I desided to spice it up abit and add some redbull to make time fly

Doctor, I keep eating while sleeping!

Well, yes, we'll have to treat you for omnombulism.

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

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My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona.

Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion.

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