The 59+ Best Eating Jokes

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

What do horses do when they are not eating?

They are horsing around

Made up by my 5 year old daughter…

What did the cannibal do after eating the vegetable?

He sold the wheelchair.

People said I was mad for arranging an eating contest between hookers and prisoners.

But in the end, the pros outweighed the cons.

What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating?

Forbiden fruit

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The Japanese are so wierd for eating ramen

Cookedmen taste so much better

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

I don’t like eating rabbit

I always get hare stuck in my teeth

What happened to the cannibal who had difficulties eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

I once had a brain eating amoeba

the poor fella died of starvation

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside...

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!"...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

why are 8,9 and 10 always eating snacks and soft drinks?

Because they are in the 7/11

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer.

One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

The other one goes, 'No'.

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

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I think it’s totally acceptable to tell jokes about eating ass.

As long as they’re tongue-in-cheek.

What’s better than eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal...

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

What’s the most difficult thing about eating vegetables?

Swallowing the wheelchair.

I love the taste of clocks but…

Eating them is time consuming

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow

and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

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A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own fucking business"

My dog is at the vet after eating a bag of scrabble tiles

No word yet

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister...

...You know it's wrong, but it tastes the same.

what did Jeffery dahmer say after eating at a fast food place

This does not taste like five guys

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

I was eating at a Vietnamese restaurant

and being rowdy, so the owner had to banh mi.

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald's...

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich.

"No, no, that's fine," says the old man, "We share everything."

So the old man start...

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.

Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

What do you call a train eating bubblegum?

A chew-chew train

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Guy with an Orange Penis

Guy with an Orange Penis goes to the Drx and says "Doc, my penis turned orange"

The Doctor says " that's odd. Have you changed your behaviors recently, or diet, or is there an increase of stress in your life?"

Guy replies back " No, No, and no"

The Doctor says " Ok that's odd. N...

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, “How’s it going down there?” The other cannibal said, “I’m having a ball!” The first cannibal replied, “Well slow down, you’...

2 Zombies are Eating a Redditor

One asks the other "Does this taste smarter-than-average and depressed to you?"

"No. Just angsty and unoriginal."

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

"Tonight we're eating good" I said to my wife as I walked in the door, "I got us some Himalayan Hare."

"Now where did you get something like that?" She asked.
...
"Well," I explained, "I was walking down the road and I found Him-a-layin' right there!"

My son was eating electrical cords

So I grounded him till he conducted himself properly

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

why are some people ambivalent about eating sourdough bread?

It's their yeast favorite

Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other "I hate my mother in law"

The other cannibal replies "Well, then just eat the noodles"

Mind your business....

A young kid was eating candy and older guy says , you shouldn't be eating candy, kid says my grandpa lived to be 105 years old.... guy says did he eat candy every day ... kid says no ..... he minded his own f'n business.

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