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Cookie Jokes

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

What's Cookie Monster's favourite Pink Floyd song?

Comfortably Nom nom nom nom.

What do you call a 70's cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

Did you hear about the oatmeal cookie orphans?

No one's raisin 'em.

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

What did everyone say about Nathan when he got fired from the fortune cookie factory?

That’s unfortunate.

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

What must you do before entering a cookie eating competition?

Sign a wafer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Cause he was feeling crummy!

Courtesy of my five year old.

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

What's a hyena's favorite cookie?

Snickerdoodle

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

What’s a fungus’ favorite cookie?

SPOREOS

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another ...

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

Why was the cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long;)

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

Son: Mom can I have a cookie?

Dad: Son, you're Australian, call your mother by the appropriate name.

Son: Ok Dad. Hey Wow! Can I have a cookie?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”>...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invented a cookie

A man involved a cookie that tasted like pussy. He took the cookie to his buddy to get him to try it. The friend took one bite of it, and spit it out.

The friend yelled, "this cookie tastes like shit." The man calmly says, "then flip it over."

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

Do you know why the cookie went to the doctor? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY! AH-HAHAHA! Do you know why the cookie went back to the doctor?

Cancer. Stage 4 cancer.

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction?

A Limp Biscuit

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked?

You make it CRISPR.

Whats thanos's favorite kind of cookie

Gingersnap
(Sorry if this is repost I'm just a bad meme)

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

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