UPJOKE
biscuitoreocakechocolatedessertcandyflourbrowniecheesecakepuddingeggpiecustardsugarmuffin

Cookie Jokes

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

Did you hear about the oatmeal cookie orphans?

No one's raisin 'em.

What do you call a 70's cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pillsbury Doughboy death notice.

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.

Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.

Dozens of celebrit...

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

I went to girlscoutcookies.com

The site asked if I accepted all cookies. I said yes. I browsed and left.
The next day 2 tons of cookies were delivered to my home with a bill of 15 million $

What must you do before entering a cookie eating competition?

Sign a wafer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

What did everyone say about Nathan when he got fired from the fortune cookie factory?

That’s unfortunate.

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

Come to the dark side. We have cookies.

The dark side only removes cache.

Why did the internet browser get fat?

It accepted all cookies.

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

Yo mama so fat

She ate her laptop because the website said it had cookies in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, a doctor and a lawyer were taking their dogs for a walk. The engineer and doctor started arguing about whose dog was smarter.

The engineer said, "Newton, do your thing." The engineer's dog made a perpetual motion machine out of scraps from the Park. The engineer rewarded him with a cookie. That's nothing said the Doctor..."Walter Reed, do your thing!" The dog found someone dying of a heart attack, did CPR, called the a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father and little boy go fishing

After an hour fishing, dad cracks open a beer. Little boy looks up at his dad with wonder and asks for a sip. Dad says "Well Son, that depends. Can your dick reach your asshole?"


Little boy says "No."


Dad tells him "Some day it will. That's the day you can have a beer." And...

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Cause he was feeling crummy!

Courtesy of my five year old.

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

What’s a cookie’s favorite rock band?

OREO Speedwagon

Amazon is a lot like Santa Clause

It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around christmas and is very eager for our cookies.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

It felt crummy.

Why does the Diabetic refuse to read Reddit on PC?

Because that would require accepting the cookies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...

Ho-made

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

What's a hyena's favorite cookie?

Snickerdoodle

Why was Santa hacked?

Because he accepts all the cookies.

Refusing tea with grandma

A guy was invited to tea by his grandmother. He declined. When asked why he answered "I don't accept cookies".

I tried to start an online bakery

But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.

In a fantasy book, a woman stares awkwardly at her date

As her date munched on a cookie his size, she asked, “why didn’t you tell me you were a pixie online?”

The date said, “I literally told you I was ten inches.”

Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.

Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywh...

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

Why was the cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long;)

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

What’s a fungus’ favorite cookie?

SPOREOS

Kids

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can’t do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don’t worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

All websites use cookies.

Except English websites. They use biscuits.

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Son: Mom can I have a cookie?

Dad: Son, you're Australian, call your mother by the appropriate name.

Son: Ok Dad. Hey Wow! Can I have a cookie?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”>...

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

What do you call the art of folding cookies?

Oreo-gami

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invented a cookie

A man involved a cookie that tasted like pussy. He took the cookie to his buddy to get him to try it. The friend took one bite of it, and spit it out.

The friend yelled, "this cookie tastes like shit." The man calmly says, "then flip it over."

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of my ex wife.

(And hold them under until the bubbles stop. )

Do you know why the cookie went to the doctor? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY! AH-HAHAHA! Do you know why the cookie went back to the doctor?

Cancer. Stage 4 cancer.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of cookies do pornstars like?

Double Stuffed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you eat some fortune cookies whole...

You'll have some turds of wisdom.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

What’s Thanos’ favorite kind of cookie?

Ginger snaps

I went online to order Oreos and the website errored

My VPN was rejecting cookies.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

I was just on a diabetes information website...

It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction?

A Limp Biscuit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute who takes cookies as payment?

An Oreho.

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

Psychedelic Harmony..

There I was, in the middle of nowhere.. Not a body for miles around.. As I lay in the silence, I started hearing murmurs; whispers of tales and epics long past.. The silence was talking to me.. I fell into a sweet melancholy.. As I listened to the silence, a calm trance took hold of me, the harmony ...

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

What kind of cookie does a crazy professor who only uses apple products prefer?

Macademia Nut

A hostess asks his guest: "How many cookies would you like?"

"Just one will be enough, thank you."
"Oh, come on, you don't have to be polite."
"All right, then give me a cookie you fat cow!"

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked?

You make it CRISPR.

A: These cookies are amazing!

B: Thanks, it's a secret family recipe.
A: You have a secret family?
B: Please don't tell my wife...

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

If you give a developer a cookie...

they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.

A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

Whats thanos's favorite kind of cookie

Gingersnap
(Sorry if this is repost I'm just a bad meme)

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you the cookie clicker app?

Because you're fucking stupid and I don't understand why you exist.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.