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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Why did the cookie need to see a doctor?

Well, he was feeling kind of crummy.

Why was the cookie sad?

Because his dad was a wafer too long.

At recess, all the children are playing outside.

Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too.

"No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird."

A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars.

"No thanks, I'd rather n...

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What do you call a prostitute who takes cookies as payment?

An Oreho.

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

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Damn girl are you the cookie clicker app?

Because you're fucking stupid and I don't understand why you exist.

A class comes in from recess and is given a spelling test.

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess" asks the teacher. "I played in the sandbox with Sally" says Jimmy. "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.

"Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wo...

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

Cookie Thieves

They really take the biscuit

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of t...

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

What do pirates say when they see a cookie?

Chips Ahoy!

I still remember my first fortune cookie...

...and how much it tasted like paper.

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"

"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.

"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"

"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher s...

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S’mores Code

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

What is a cannibals favorite type of cookie?

Lady fingers.

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

Mohammed goes to school....

The children were returning to class after playtime.

The first child into class was Jack.
''Jack,'' said the teacher, ''what did you do this playtime?''
''I was playing in the sandpit,'' replied Jack.
''How fun! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you can have a cookie!''
Jack s...

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

how did Cookie Monster decide who'd win the oscars?

he went through all the nom-nom-nominations.

According to my fortune cookie I am getting a dolphin!

It said my life will have a purpose.

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A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another ...

What do you call a cookie in a wheel chair.

Limp biscuit

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A programmer took a bit of my cookie, then he told his 7 other friends to help themselves like him.

They all took a fucking byte out of my cookie!

I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...

She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,

"no, but you can have 8 bits."

What's the smartest cookie?

Academia nut

I only eat certain types of oatmeal cookies

because raisins.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

You don't understand computers.

What did the cookie farmer say?

"I've been raisin' cookies."

If you give a developer a cookie...

they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

What do you call a 70s cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie

And the next day I realized, I went to work naked and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster

I'd love to give the man who invented Incognito mode a cookie.

Sadly it was erased.

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day.

Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

Got any funny fortune cookie idea's?

I own a restaurant and I have extremely funny fortune cookies, but I'm running out of fortune ideas! Help me! I need some raunchy, dirty and insulting fortunes! Show me what you got and you could see them in a fortune cookie one day!

Where did Cookie Monster develop PTSD?

Viet-nom nom nom nom nom.

If Cookie Monster was going to eat a country, what country would he eat?

Viet-nom-nom-nom-nom

If you burn a cookie in the shape of a Star Wars character...

...is it crunchy or Chewie?

What's green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

A girl scout that got hit by a car.

32 Days

A bartender was working at his bar, when in walks 3 blondes. They seem very happy and excited. They are carrying a small picture and are chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days". Obviously very please with themselves, they sit down and order a pitcher of Margareta, that the bartender brings them. Af...

The final cookie

A man near death smelled his wife baking his favorite cookies down stairs. He decided if he was going to go he would have one last cookie before he went. He dragged his mostly useless body down the stairs and crawled to the counter where he knew the cookies were on the cooling rack. As he reached fo...

What is cookie monsters favorite war?

Vietnom nom nom nom

Help me figure out a knock knock joke that's had me stumped for 20 years

When I was a kid my sisters and I ordered a book of knock knock jokes from the book club at school. I remember reading them to everyone who came by the house but there was one that I never understood. No one in my life has ever had a logical explanation for it and I have never forgotten it:

K...

A kid goes to a store to buy his mother a present

So the little boy goes to a store to buy his mother a present. So he goes to the counter and asks if they have any cookies jars? So the clerk grabs down six and hands them to the boy. He inspects the first one, lifts off the lid and looks inside. He says "nope", surprised, the clerk hands him a seco...

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If ass tasted like cookies, would you be willing to eat ass?

Maybe, but you’d never be able to look the same way again at Cookie Monster.

A nom nom nom nom.

Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?

It was feeling a little crumby.

A man goes to a Chinese restaurant

After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your charm and wit make admirers of many."

Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your...

Darth Vader once baked some cookies...

But it was a little on the dark side.

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

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The Giant Tapeworm

The fattest man in the world was proud of his accomplishment, he made a good living doing interviews and doing meet and greets for people in awe of his size. He noticed over time he was suddenly losing weight rapidly through no effort of his own. He ate more to compensate but still continued drop...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself ...

NSFW - A woman and man are talking in a donation clinic...

They get to talking.

The man asks the woman, "What are you here donating?"

She replies, "Blood. They pay me $50 and I get a cookie and juice. What about you?"

He says, "Sperm. They pay my $250 and I also get a cookie and juice".

The woman frowns and thinks for a moment. T...

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

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