What do you call a redhead freaking out at a cookie store?

A Ginger Snap

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

Two cookies in an oven, one cookie turns to the other cookie and says “It’s really hot in here”

The other cookie screams “ahhh a talking cookie”

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he's feeling crummy.


-my 4 yo daughter-

What kind of cookie does a crazy professor who only uses apple products prefer?

Macademia Nut

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

What's a hyena's favorite cookie?

Snickerdoodle

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

If you have 10 cookies and split them evenly between your friends how many cookies do you have?

10 cookies :)

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

Why was the cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long;)

What do you call a cookie with erectile dysfunction?

A Limp Biscuit

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

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BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

I got a fortune cookie without a fortune in it today.

How unfortunate...

I opened my fortune cookie and...

A neck-bearded incel jumped out.

I re-read the box and realised I'd bought 4Chan cookies...

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A man invented a cookie

A man involved a cookie that tasted like pussy. He took the cookie to his buddy to get him to try it. The friend took one bite of it, and spit it out.

The friend yelled, "this cookie tastes like shit." The man calmly says, "then flip it over."

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

Moral of the story

There is a green man who live in his green house on a green hill and everything in his house is green.

One day, while he was taking a shower in his green bathroom, he heard his green doorbell rang. He grabbed his green towel and went down his green stairs and opened his green door.

Bef...

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

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So a couple of Canadians were sitting around with their Tim Horton’s and maple cream cookies, when one of them said, “Hey, who’s that American girl to our west?”

And the other one said, “I don’t know,
‘I‘ll-ask-ha’”

This is joke #2 in my country-themed lineup. Next country in the spotlight will be Japan.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. ...

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

Little Henry’s father

Little Henry was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thi...

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures?

A Snickerdoodle!

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

Did you hear about mrs. fortune cookies divorce?

Now shes misfortune cookie.

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A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi.

So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies an...

how can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

there are m&m shells all over the floor.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

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If ass tasted like cookies, would you be willing to eat ass?

Maybe, but you’d never be able to look the same way again at Cookie Monster.

A nom nom nom nom.

What're the most popular cookies in Asgard?

Thoreos.

Whats thanos's favorite kind of cookie

Gingersnap
(Sorry if this is repost I'm just a bad meme)

A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked?

You make it CRISPR.

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Cookie Thieves

They really take the biscuit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute who takes cookies as payment?

An Oreho.

Why did the shipwrecked pirates get to eat cakes, cookies and pies when they washed up on shore?

It was a desserted island.

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her ...

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Raisin Cookies That Look Like Chocolate Chip Cookies

Are The Reason I Have Trust Issues !

Cookies

My tinder profile always has an unlit cigaret in it since i'm always searching for matches.

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

I found one of the leftover cookies crying

He was sad because his mom has been a wafer a long time

I still remember my first fortune cookie...

...and how much it tasted like paper.

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

What do you call a Khoisan man talking while eating a cookie?

Cookie clicker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you the cookie clicker app?

Because you're fucking stupid and I don't understand why you exist.

A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies...

The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: "Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!".

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

So, little Johnny is at his grandparents house and he sees his grandfather drinking some beer and asks if he can have some. His grandfather then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? Little Johnny responds no and his grandfather tells him that he can have some beer when it can. The next day little...

I was just on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A first grade teacher was giving a cookie to each student who spelt a word right

"Well little John" she said. "Can you spell Pig?"

"P-I-G" John said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher said. She then went to the next student.

"Hi little Susan" she said. "Can you spell Cow?"

"C-O-W" Susan said. "Very well. Here's your cookie!" the teacher s...

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

I got some people shaped cookies for Christmas.

I didn't want to assume their ginger...

What's was the cookies favorite band?

OREO Speedwagon...

(I heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend...)

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

What is a cannibals favorite type of cookie?

Lady fingers.

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S’mores Code

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