What do you call a redhead freaking out at a cookie store?

A Ginger Snap

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he's feeling crummy.


-my 4 yo daughter-

Two cookies are getting ready for their fight

"Lets get ready to crrrrrrummmbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality

Great...



So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find, and my teeth will fall out.

Thanks, fortune cookie.

What's a hyena's favorite cookie?

Snickerdoodle

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

Do you know why the cookie went to the doctor? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY! AH-HAHAHA! Do you know why the cookie went back to the doctor?

Cancer. Stage 4 cancer.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

What is Cookie Monster’s favourite band?

OREO Speedwagon!

I gotta confess, it’s not my joke.

I heard it from a friend who,
Heard it from a friend who...

Two cookies in an oven, one cookie turns to the other cookie and says “It’s really hot in here”

The other cookie screams “ahhh a talking cookie”

A: These cookies are amazing!

B: Thanks, it's a secret family recipe.
A: You have a secret family?
B: Please don't tell my wife...

Why was the cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long;)

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

What do you call a passed out cookie?

Limp Biskit.

What do you call a snack cookie you could’ve sworn was there, but really wasn’t?

A Figment Newton of your imagination.

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What kind of cookies do pornstars like?

Double Stuffed

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

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BB'S In The Cookie Dough

(This is an older joke but one of my favorites)

Three children always go to their Grandmothers house for Christmas Eve.

Every Christmas Eve their Grandmother would prepare a big bowl of cookie dough that they would all bake cookies with on Christmas morning.

Yet every Christmas ...

A hostess asks his guest: "How many cookies would you like?"

"Just one will be enough, thank you."
"Oh, come on, you don't have to be polite."
"All right, then give me a cookie you fat cow!"

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Grandpa takes little Johnny fishing one morning. They’re making their way across the lake in grandpas boat and Johnny asks,” hey grandpa, can I drive the boat?”

“Well let me ask you something Johnny, can your pecker touch your rear end?”, “no grandpa.” And that was that.

They reach their fishing hole and cast their lines. After a few minutes grandpa cracks open a beer. “Hey grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?”, “Is your pecker long ...

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A man invented a cookie

A man involved a cookie that tasted like pussy. He took the cookie to his buddy to get him to try it. The friend took one bite of it, and spit it out.

The friend yelled, "this cookie tastes like shit." The man calmly says, "then flip it over."

Son: Mom can I have a cookie?

Dad: Son, you're Australian, call your mother by the appropriate name.

Son: Ok Dad. Hey Wow! Can I have a cookie?

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

I was on a diabetes awareness website...

It asked if I accept cookies. Definitely a trick question!

Me: Three scoops of Cookie Dough in a tub, please.

Vendor: You wanna spoon?

Me: ... OK, what time do you get off?

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

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Do you have the Lady Gaga Oreos?

Customer: Excuse me, do you have new Lady Gaga Oreos?

Employee: I'm sorry, we only have the Cardi B ones.

Customer: What's that like?

Employee: Soggy. It's a wet-ass cookie.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

What does the gingerbread man sleep on?

Cookie sheets.

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

Why do girl scout cookies taste so good?

child labor

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's going to ask if he can use it to improve your internet browsing experience.

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

I opened my fortune cookie and...

A neck-bearded incel jumped out.

I re-read the box and realised I'd bought 4Chan cookies...

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a five your old and his grandfather on a porch

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

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Papaw and his grandson are out on the porch.

Papaw is building a birdhouse. The grandson looks over and asks, “Papaw, can I do that?”

Papaw thinks for a moment and says, “I don’t know son. Can you stretch your peter between your legs and touch your asshole?”

The grandson thinks for a minute and says, “no.”

Papaw says, “wel...

In a catholic school canteen there are three long tables

At one end of the middle table, there is a plate of apples and a piece of paper in front of the plate saying "Take only one, God is watching." There is a second plate at the other side of the table, and this one has cookies in it. There is another piece of paper in front of this plate and it has an ...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I could get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

I brought some cookie dough into work today...

...so I could use the oven there to bake some cookies for all the staff, but everyone gave me dirty looks when I put them in and turned the oven on.

My boss said I was "insensitive" and "fired from the crematorium".

My fortune cookie read “You will touch the hearts of many.”

Jokes on them. I’m a heart surgeon.

Why do basketball players love cookies?

Because they can dunk them!

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So a couple of Canadians were sitting around with their Tim Horton’s and maple cream cookies, when one of them said, “Hey, who’s that American girl to our west?”

And the other one said, “I don’t know,
‘I‘ll-ask-ha’”

This is joke #2 in my country-themed lineup. Next country in the spotlight will be Japan.

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

How do we know Santa has been bad this year?

Because he accepts all cookie requests on his browser.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

What do you call a cookie that draws funny pictures?

A Snickerdoodle!

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

What do you do when your DNA cookie is undercooked?

You make it CRISPR.

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

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I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

Did you hear about mrs. fortune cookies divorce?

Now shes misfortune cookie.

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If ass tasted like cookies, would you be willing to eat ass?

Maybe, but you’d never be able to look the same way again at Cookie Monster.

A nom nom nom nom.

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What do you call a prostitute who takes cookies as payment?

An Oreho.

What're the most popular cookies in Asgard?

Thoreos.

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

Whats thanos's favorite kind of cookie

Gingersnap
(Sorry if this is repost I'm just a bad meme)

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

I found an easy cookie recipe that said to put all the ingredients in one bowl and beat it.

I'm not sure what good it did though, when I came back nothing had changed.

Why did the shipwrecked pirates get to eat cakes, cookies and pies when they washed up on shore?

It was a desserted island.

I still remember my first fortune cookie...

...and how much it tasted like paper.

A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

“No, you can't have those! They're ...

Senator: You said Facebook has cookies correct?

Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.

Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?

Zucc: I’m sorry senator I don’t know wha...

Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*

Zucc: Senator I...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch...

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray:"Take only one. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: Take all you want. God is ...

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A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another ...

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Damn girl are you the cookie clicker app?

Because you're fucking stupid and I don't understand why you exist.

At work they gave us cookies to remember the Apollo 11 launch.

I can't wait for the Apollo 1 memorial BBQ!

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

Cookies

My tinder profile always has an unlit cigaret in it since i'm always searching for matches.

Why can't cookies dough hold a steady job?

Because it's always getting baked.

If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have?

A broken hand.

I found one of the leftover cookies crying

He was sad because his mom has been a wafer a long time

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

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