UPJOKE
candyhot chocolatedessertcocoawhite chocolatedark chocolatesugarcaramelice creamcoffeecakepuddingsweetsyruphoney

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for fat people

Cops are like a box of chocolates

They'll kill your dog.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

Aliens have arrived on earth. We arrange a huge extravagant event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we ever? Awesome guy! He wwings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "...

What’s a trans woman’s favorite kind of chocolate?

Her/she

How did the child know it was his mother who stole the chocolate?

It was apparent.

Why do trans women go by she/her?

Because if they went by her/she they'd be chocolate

What do music and chocolate have in common?

They're better without the wrapper

What are a chocolate kiss’ preferred pronouns?

Her/she

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

What is Amber Heard’s favorite chocolate bar?

Hearsay’s Chocolate.

I asked her to confirm but she objected.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

its more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar...

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

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Why are wonka's a good name for testicles?

Because they're located in between a Willy and a chocolate factory

What do you get when you roll Chewbaca in Hershey's kisses?

A chocolate chip Wookie




Or both your arms ripped off

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Why did Willy Wonka close his chocolate factory?

He was short staffed

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

I identify as a chocolate bar

My pronouns are her/shey

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

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Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

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One day a blind man goes to restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind man smells it and says: “I’ll have the beef stea...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I've lived on Mars for years

However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

What kind of chocolate does the dryer like?

Lindt Chocolate

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.



It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible ca...

Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?

He had some Twix up his sleeve

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

Why should you always melt chocolate over boiling water?

Because if you try and melt it under boiling water, you’ll die.

A mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists and historians believe it must be Pharoah Roche.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

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My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

One day a little boy was eating a chocolate bar, then suddenly a man approched him and said

"Listen kid, you should not eat chocolates, it'll cause diabetes and you'll die early, the boy replied "yes you're right,! My grandpa lived a long life of 100 years before he passed away".

The man asked, "why? Because he didn't eat any chocolates?"

The kid replied: No he used to mi...

Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

Your first time is like a box of chocolates

You finish so much faster them you thought

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

When is the best time to eat chocolate and marshmallows?

In the s'morning.

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when it comes to birth control

Condoms are 98% effective and the pill is 99%.
How about the birth control experts just figure how to make cum taste like chocolate, everyone wins.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla

Ice creamed

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

What’s the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories.

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

George Michael is walking down the street with a chocolate bar in his pocket. He's gutted when he pulls it out and it has melted.

He'd been careless with his wispa

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

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What do you get when you put chocolate syrup on before giving a blowjob??

Coconuts.

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

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What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered…

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What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

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Ice-cream man.

An Ice-cream man has been found dead with three chocolate flakes stuck up his ass covered in chocolate spread with hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over his body..

Police believe he topped himself..

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

Driver: old man where are you going?

old man: I'm going to Sta Cruz

Driver: You're going home late tonight

old man: Yes, I went to the airport to pick up my grandson from Saudi

Driver: Oh, it's good and you caught up with me, so I'm going home too

old man: yes.. wait grandson, do you like peanuts?

Dri...

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Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

i like my chocolate like my woman

black and filled with white cream

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

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A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

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A class of school children are playing a game

They are blindfolded and given a piece of food which they then eat and try to guess what it is.

They guess the first food, chocolate and they guess the second food, banana but they all get stuck on the third one, honey

The teacher tries to help them out and says "it's something your da...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

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