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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

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NSFW. A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘va...

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

PETA is like a box of chocolates.

They kill dogs.

Long live the chocolates

A boy was in a train eating chocolates. Then he took another one. The man next to him said ,

"Do u know this will damage your teeth?"

The boy replied ,"My grandfather lived 135 years."

The man asked,"Was it because of eating chocolates?

The boy said,"No he was always mi...

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Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

Which Princess tastes like chocolate?

Kinderella.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn’t last very long if you’re obese.

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered…

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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NSFW Love is like a box of chocolates

Some bastard is going to grab all the good ones and the rest of us will be forced to eat the gingers.

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

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What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

The lisp magician gives everyone a chocolate bar

Apparently he still had a few twix up his sleeves.

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

Your first time is like a box of chocolates

You finish so much faster them you thought

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

My mother in law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....

I always try to cheer her up with chocolate and flowers.

"Hey mom, is there any chocolate?"

"Yes."

"Great! Where is it?"

"At the store."

You wanna know why chocolate is called chocolate?

Because it's never chocoearly!

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

A man is found dead in a park covered in ice cream, chocolate flakes, sprinkles and cherries.

Initially the police suspected foul play and opened up a possible murder case, however in the end it was concluded the man had topped himself

I only know two things about dogs

The first is that they don't live for a very long time, so you every second with them should be cherished.

The second is that they absolutely love chocolate.

What’s a rat’s favourite dessert?

Chocolate Mousse Cake :)

An old couple was realizing they were losing their memory

They decided they would go to a doctor to see about the problem

The doctor said “Well, there isn’t very much I can do, but you could try one thing.”

“What’s that?” They said

“You could try writing everything down, so if you ever forgot something, you would have a reference.”...

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw two old men sitting there. One of them said to me, "would you like some nuts? I've got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then he gave me a handful of nuts and wen...

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

Whenever I try to eat healthy,

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

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Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

The Bodybuilder Bee left his wife.

She called a friend for a shoulder to cry on, and she rushed over with chocolate and two bottles of wine.
As they were sitting there, talking and drinking, the now-ex wife said „I still don’t understand it. He said the reason was because he wanted to be a pastor?!“
Her friend replied „Well, he...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? –

A candy baa.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

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New joke alert*

Life is like balls of chocolate except that it's just balls but not the chocolate.

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

A woman was working at a nursing home

One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.

Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his fami...

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...



As they were busy looking around,

doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...



As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :

"Man! I'm the best thief ever,

I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. Yo...

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.

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It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

I bought a great deal of chocolates for my girlfriens

You might be thinking "it's spelled as girlfriend you moron."

You're right it's probably because i don't have one of those

Happy singles' awareness day!

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.

Life on Mars confirmed.

Donald and Melania Trump walk into a restaurant

They sit at a table and peruse the menu, and the waiter comes over.

“Good afternoon, can I take your order please?”

“Can I have the chocolate fudge dessert, and Melania will have the sorbet”

“Just desserts Mr President?”

“Yes, Just Desserts”

Little Johny had 30 chocolates, he ate 20, what does little Johny have now?

Diarrhea

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They are all better rich!

Husband : I washed these chocolates accidentally and they almost ended up in the dryer!

Wife : its okay, the Lindt trap would have caught them!

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

When I got a job at the M&M factory, I was told I could eat all the mismade chocolates I wanted.

I was shocked at the number of candies misprinted with a "W".

Archaeologist digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in Chocolate and hazelnuts

And believe it to be Pharoaoh Rocher

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

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