PETA is like a box of chocolates.

They kill dogs.

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

"Hey mom, is there any chocolate?"

"Yes."

"Great! Where is it?"

"At the store."

Your first time is like a box of chocolates

You finish so much faster them you thought

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

You wanna know why chocolate is called chocolate?

Because it's never chocoearly!

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

"Can you fit any more Milky Way Chocolate Bars into your desk drawer there, Jim?"

"Nope, all outer space."

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What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

i like my chocolate like my woman

black and filled with white cream

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."

The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."

"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.

"No, by minding his own business." He replied.

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her...

What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.










I hate this joke.

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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An elderly lady walks into an ice cream parlor.

She says to the man behind the counter, "what flavors of ice cream do you have?"

"They're listed on the sign. We have chocolate and vanilla," he answers.

"I'll have a scoop of the strawberry," she says.

"We don't have strawberry," answers the man.

"Well, then, I'll have s...

I made a dark chocolate brand called Victory

And the slogan is “even when you finish this dark chocolate, the victory will still be bitter sweet”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

I heard a joke about a chocolate bar

It made me snicker

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.

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Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

Dalai lama goes to Walmart

Dalai lama goes to Walmart and buys a chocolate and pays it with 5$
And the man behind the counter says "here is your change!"
And Dalai lama replies "No, change must come from within"

I bought a great deal of chocolates for my girlfriens

You might be thinking "it's spelled as girlfriend you moron."

You're right it's probably because i don't have one of those

Happy singles' awareness day!

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

What do Chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?

They are all better rich!

Reasons for stealing

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."



The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"



The thi...

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.

Life on Mars confirmed.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

Husband : I washed these chocolates accidentally and they almost ended up in the dryer!

Wife : its okay, the Lindt trap would have caught them!

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Little Johny had 30 chocolates, he ate 20, what does little Johny have now?

Diarrhea

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

When I got a job at the M&M factory, I was told I could eat all the mismade chocolates I wanted.

I was shocked at the number of candies misprinted with a "W".

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

Our local ice cream van was found ....

When the police checked it over they found the vendor inside on the floor. He was covered in raspberry syrup, chocolate sauce, “ hundreds and thousands”, chocolate flakes and pink sprinkles. Their current theory is that he had topped himself.

I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn't that funny

So I just snickered.

Archaeologist digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in Chocolate and hazelnuts

And believe it to be Pharoaoh Rocher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes to the ice cream parlor

He says: i only have money for one ice cream ball, but can i have two?

The seller says: no

But the boy said: please, please i cant decide

So the seller asked the boy: wich ones would you like

The boy said happily: two balls of chocolate please

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day?

Hershey's Hiss

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

A catholic priest goes to a barber.

Once the haircut is finished, the priest reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "I cannot accept payment from a man of the cloth, it is my honor to cut the hair of a man of God." The next morning there are a dozen chocolates waiting at the barber's door from the priest.

Later that day, a Ba...

One man said to a chocolate maker "Are you a magician?"

The chocolate maker said "No, but I got a couple twix up my sleeve."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to see if this German joke survives translation

Two homeless dudes called Hans and Franz walk the street and see something brown on the street.

Hans says: Watch out - there is some poo.

Franz: says Nah - that is chocolate.

Hans takes a bite and says: definitely poo. You can even smell it.

Franz takes a bite as well: Ba...

Life is like a box of chocolate.

I always get the disgusting, alcoholed-filled one.

What kind of chocolate do you find in the fluff catcher in a dryer?

Lindt

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

What do you do if your wife asks who are all the chocolate spread?

No tell her

It's no wonder women love chocolate so much. Their pronouns give it away.

Her/she

Raisin Cookies That Look Like Chocolate Chip Cookies

Are The Reason I Have Trust Issues !

A elderly lady walks into a bakery and asks the baker for chocolate cake.

He politely replies that they are out of chocolate.

She says fine, I'll have chocolate muffins.

The baker says, I'm sorry but we are out of chocolate.

She says, ok how about some chocolate cookies?

The baker somewhat annoyed asks the lady. Tell me something, where do find...

A kid is walking down the street looking slightly guilty, but mostly sick...

His mouth looks full of something. A guy sees him and walks up to him.
The guy says, “Hey kid, you don’t look too good. Did you get your hands on some chewing tobacco?”
The kid says, “No. I stole one of my mom’s sugar-free chocolate bars.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

Walter and Agnes have been married for 50 years.

They’ve had a beautiful life together, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve become more forgetful. Walter even went to play a round of golf the other day and forgot his clubs!

Agnes decided it was time to go to the doctor and see if anything could be done about their memory problems. The doct...

My girlfriend is like a box of chocolates.

I want to take her top off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed person’s life is like a box of chocolates...

It all turns to shit in the end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Muslims, black people, Mexicans, and anti-vaxxers like chocolate?

Because everyone likes chocolate, and why would someone’s religion, race, nationality, or the fact that they’re an uneducated moron change that?

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

Back in my day, I used to be able to go to the store with $1 and get 2 sodas, 3 chips, and a chocolate bar...

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

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