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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

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I sexually identify as chocolate

My pronouns are Her-She

Life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people go through it faster than skinny ones

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?

He had some Twix up his sleeve

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My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

One day a little boy was eating a chocolate bar, then suddenly a man approched him and said

"Listen kid, you should not eat chocolates, it'll cause diabetes and you'll die early, the boy replied "yes you're right,! My grandpa lived a long life of 100 years before he passed away".

The man asked, "why? Because he didn't eat any chocolates?"

The kid replied: No he used to mi...

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

What’s the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla

Ice creamed

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

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A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘van...

Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

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What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

Your first time is like a box of chocolates

You finish so much faster them you thought

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Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

 

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

THE SHOPPER (long)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband ...

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

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A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

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What do you get when you put chocolate syrup on before giving a blowjob??

Coconuts.

I've called my dog Cadbury Research Department

He's a chocolate lab



The dentist asks, "What kind of filling do you want?"

The child answers, "Chocolate!"

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God ...

A nice old lady gives a bus driver some nuts…

A nice old lady on a bus offers the bus driver some peanuts, the driver happily eats them.
Every five minutes the old lady hands the driver a handful of nuts, eventually he asks:

“Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
To which the old lady replies

“I don’t have any teeth, look” ...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.
The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”
“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”
“All right,” the man re...

Johnny with his grandparents

Johnny is staying with his grandparents. Grandma goes out to get groceries, while Grandpa stays home to look after Johnny. When Grandma gets home, the house is a mess. All of the couch cushions are torn up, paint is all over the walls, and the dog is hiding under the bed. Grandma asks Grandpa: "What...

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered…

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

Long live the chocolates

A boy was in a train eating chocolates. Then he took another one. The man next to him said ,

"Do u know this will damage your teeth?"

The boy replied ,"My grandfather lived 135 years."

The man asked,"Was it because of eating chocolates?

The boy said,"No he was always mi...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been...

Which Princess tastes like chocolate?

Kinderella.

Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…

They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
...

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...

I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."

A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.

The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I do...

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

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What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going

"Not good." I said. "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top.

It's was tough in the Gateau

The lisp magician gives everyone a chocolate bar

Apparently he still had a few twix up his sleeves.

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NSFW Love is like a box of chocolates

Some bastard is going to grab all the good ones and the rest of us will be forced to eat the gingers.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

i like my chocolate like my woman

black and filled with white cream

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memori...

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

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A group of friends was walking around the red light district and came across a sign that said “donuts.”

Hank turned to the other two, Joey and Carl, and said, “Guys, I heard about this! The girl puts a donut on your junk and then goes to town. It’s supposed to be the best thing you can do here. We should do it. It’s not like we’re going to get this chance again!”

Reluctantly, the other two agr...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

One guy goes to India and visits a monastery

He saw some old monks meditating around the garden but was perplexed not to see any young monks around. "Is Buddhism dying?", he thought. Right after that, he sees a young monk entering a building with some bags of flour and sugar and decides to follow him.

What he found was stunning. On one...

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

You wanna know why chocolate is called chocolate?

Because it's never chocoearly!

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

An elderly couple got on a bus.

After a few minutes, the old lady shuffled over to the front, and offered the driver a bag of peanuts.

How kind of her, thought the driver. He drove on, happily munching the peanuts.

A few minutes later, again the old woman shuffled over, with another bag of peanuts.
What a nice lad...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

I think if women really got to know me they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter bunny.

On the outside sweet but Hollow and disappointing on the inside.

What do you call a book about chocolate?

Choc lit

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

A young boy sat at a bus stop eating a chocolate bar.

When he finished he reached in his pocket, drew out another and ate it too. He then pulled out a 3rd bar and began to unwrap it.

A woman sitting next to him said "all that chocolate will make you fat and ruin your teeth."

The boy replied "My grandfather lived to be 126 years old."
<...

What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.










I hate this joke.

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

Little Johnny..

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench with a box of chocolate bars, casually unwrapping one, eating the bar in its entirety and then moving on to the next chocolate bar in the box. A man set next to him and after a few minutes of watching Johnny work through the box he says, “Surely eating that ...

I heard an Italian supercar manufacturer is going to be making its next model be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

They're calling it the Ferrari Rocher

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.

Life on Mars confirmed.

A man is found dead in a park covered in ice cream, chocolate flakes, sprinkles and cherries.

Initially the police suspected foul play and opened up a possible murder case, however in the end it was concluded the man had topped himself

Little Johny had 30 chocolates, he ate 20, what does little Johny have now?

Diarrhea

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...



As they were busy looking around,

doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...



As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :

"Man! I'm the best thief ever,

I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. Yo...

Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.

&nbsp;

What do you call white chocolate hazelnut spread?

Nut-ella (I’m sorry I’m terrible at jokes)

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