UPJOKE
candyhot chocolatedessertcocoawhite chocolatedark chocolatesugarcaramelice creamcoffeecakepuddingsweetsyruphoney

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar...

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

life is like a box of chocolates

the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

its more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Willy Wonka close his chocolate factory?

He was short staffed

Why should you always melt chocolate over boiling water?

Because if you try and melt it under boiling water, you’ll die.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is quite unrealistic but at least they got one thing right

The moment Charlie found that ticket all the scalpers started coming out.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

I identify as a chocolate bar

My pronouns are her/shey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chocolate

An older woman is going to the ice cream parlor to order gallons of ice cream for her self. When she arrives, the man at the counter greets her and asks her what ice cream she would like.

So she asks "I would like a gallon of vanilla, strawberry, sherbert, and Chocolate."

The gentlema...

What kind of chocolate does the dryer like?

Lindt Chocolate

A mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists and historians believe it must be Pharoah Roche.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always cheats when shes dieting

She hides chocolate bars around the house and fucks other men...

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie...

Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?

He had some Twix up his sleeve

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

One day a little boy was eating a chocolate bar, then suddenly a man approched him and said

"Listen kid, you should not eat chocolates, it'll cause diabetes and you'll die early, the boy replied "yes you're right,! My grandpa lived a long life of 100 years before he passed away".

The man asked, "why? Because he didn't eat any chocolates?"

The kid replied: No he used to mi...

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

When is the best time to eat chocolate and marshmallows?

In the s'morning.

Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Scans of a newly discovered sarcophagus have revealed that the mummy inside was coated in nuts and chocolate

It’s believed to have been body of Pharaoh Roche.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A tinder surprise.

Seven days without chocolate...

Makes one weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

What’s the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?

About 5000 calories.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ice-cream man.

An Ice-cream man has been found dead with three chocolate flakes stuck up his ass covered in chocolate spread with hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over his body..

Police believe he topped himself..

I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla

Ice creamed

I'm looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.

Mem-Oreo Day.

What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?

An idiot. You call them an idiot.

Your first time is like a box of chocolates

You finish so much faster them you thought

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

George Michael is walking down the street with a chocolate bar in his pocket. He's gutted when he pulls it out and it has melted.

He'd been careless with his wispa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an icecream shop

W: Hi! May I get two scoops of chocolate please?

M: I'm sorry, ma'am. We are currently out of chocolate.

W: What a shame. Well, then could I have a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of vanilla annnnd... A scoop of chocolate please?

M: Ma'am, I will be happy to get you strawberry and ...

I went shopping yesterday

I went into a candy shop and tried to buy a kinder chocolate bar but no bueno..... so I went to a game shop and tried to buy a full monopoly set but no dice

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...

That in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you put chocolate syrup on before giving a blowjob??

Coconuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class of school children are playing a game

They are blindfolded and given a piece of food which they then eat and try to guess what it is.

They guess the first food, chocolate and they guess the second food, banana but they all get stuck on the third one, honey

The teacher tries to help them out and says "it's something your da...

How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?

It used the invisibility croak.

It is Spring time in the Bois de Boulogne.

(all spoken parts to be told in a heavy French accent)


A French man and his young son are on a short spring holiday in the Bois de Boulogne, a very large and beautiful park in Paris.

"Papa papa let's go play in the woods!"

The French man is sitting at a table in the garden w...

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

Why did kids get more easter egg chocolates than usual this year?

It was due to the rabbit eggonomic growth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?

A Fudgina.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a prostitute and a box of chocolates have in common?

They're both full of assorted creams

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do chocolatiers call their testicles?

Wonkas

Because they are between a Willy and a Chocolate Factory

I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.

So I just snickered…

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

Heard about the Egyptian tomb stuffed full of wafer, nuts & chocolate?

Archaeologists think it was Pharaoh Rocher.

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

Long live the chocolates

A boy was in a train eating chocolates. Then he took another one. The man next to him said ,

"Do u know this will damage your teeth?"

The boy replied ,"My grandfather lived 135 years."

The man asked,"Was it because of eating chocolates?

The boy said,"No he was always mi...

Which Princess tastes like chocolate?

Kinderella.

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

Back in my day

Back in my day you use to be able to go into a Shop with £1.00 and come out with 2 Chocolate Bars and a Packed Of Crisps, but now these days they have Cameras.

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?

For shits and giggles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Love is like a box of chocolates

Some bastard is going to grab all the good ones and the rest of us will be forced to eat the gingers.

The lisp magician gives everyone a chocolate bar

Apparently he still had a few twix up his sleeves.

What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.










I hate this joke.

Tom Hanks was right when he said that life is like a box of chocolates

You never know what virus you’re gonna get

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.