Life is like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last long for fat people.

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man pulls up to a petrol station and goes go buy a chocolate bar...

He goes up to the cashier and says "can I have a kit-kat chunky?"

The cashier returns with the chocolate bar he asked for and says "there you go, that will 80p please"

He turns back to her and says
"No, I wanted a regular kit-kat you fat bitch".

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

Girls in Bangkok are like a box of chocolates.

You never know which one has nuts.

Why can’t trans men enjoy chocolate?

It uses Hershey pronouns.

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Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife masturbating with a chocolate bar?

“The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one”, he said.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They kill your dog

What do you call a car that's been covered in chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

What do you call Chewbacca after he’s been rolled in chocolate bits?

A chocolate chip Wookiee

What did the millennial Charlie say after visiting the chocolate factory?

It was choco-lit

What’s a goalkeeper’s favorite chocolate?

Godiva

Math is like a box of chocolates

It's better to use your fingers

My wife is on her lady time while at the Renaissance Faire and told me she was craving chocolate.

I asked her if the craving was period-specific.

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Chocolate

Yesterday, right before closing my ice cream shop for the night after a very busy day, a lady came in and ordered some chocolate ice cream.

So I looked grabbed a cone and looked down to scoop out some chocolate ice cream to see that I had none.

"Sorry ma'm, we are currently out of ...

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head

Life was hard in the gateau

What does a chocolate bar do when you tell it a joke?

Nothing, it just snickers

What did the chocolate bank hire when their employee quit?

A Nutella

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.

He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldn’t find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back i...

Archeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

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What the pirate say to the chocolate man?

Willy wonk the plank?

​

MADE DIS ONE BY MYSELFS! LOL

Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

If chocolate milk comes from brown cows then where does skim milk come from?

African cows

Have you heard the joke about the chocolate bar?

It wasn’t very funny so I just snickered.

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…
Driver: why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

I went out for ice cream and asked for a scoop of Forbidden Chocolate.

They said no.

I can't help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars...

*snickers*

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A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, “sorry we don’t have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate”

Clerk says “again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry”

Guy says “ok just give me a pint of chocolate then”

Now the cl...

Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the chocolate factory

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years

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3 kids were making cookies but they didn't have chocolate chips

Instead they used BBs. They ate the cookies and didn't think anything more of it.


The next day the first child went to the bathroom and came running to their mother. Mommy mommy! I have BBs in my poop!


The second child went to the bathroom and came running out screaming. Momm...

Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.

I like to play Muffin Roulette.

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream

The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

Mamma always said, "Reddit is like a box of chocolates."

You never know what you're gonna get, but it will be the same few chocolates every time."

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How do we know God is a man?

If God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.

What's a laundry machine's favourite chocolate?

Lindt

Insecure people are like chocolate chip cookies

After they get baked, they'll crumble easily.

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Little Johnny gets on a bus eating a chocolate bar *NSFW*

Bus driver: you know you shouldn’t eat chocolate all the time

Johnny : my grandfather lived to be 94

Bus driver : and he did that by eating chocolate every day?

Johnny : no, by minding his own fucking business

The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake.

Police believe he may of topped himself.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg

so I said to him, 'Which is your favourite Christian festival?'
He replied 'Have to love Easter, baby.'

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.

Could be a Chinese Wispa.

I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

"Are you going to eat those chocolates with grandma?" asked my wife.

I said, "No, I can't imagine she's very tasty."

Did you know that dogs actually love chocolate?

After they eat it, they’re in heaven!

Some one told me a chocolate bar joke, it wasn't that funny

So I just snickered.


My 10 year old daughter just told me that one.

What sound does a chocolate gun make?

Cacao!

Did you hear about the guy that only ate white chocolate reeses cups?

He was a reesist.

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munc...

My girlfriend likes to tie me to the bed and cover me in chocolate and caramel

She’s a dominatwix

life is like a box of chocolates....

it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

Gimme chocolate!

Or I scream.

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A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.

This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should min...

Horror movies are like a box of chocolates

The dark ones always go first

An old lady got on a bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes...

she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsi...

How do you know that a blonde is baking chocolate chip cookies?

All the m&m shells on the floor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You ever heard of the brown cow that gives chocolate milk?

It's udder bullshit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chocolate ice cream

A lady walks into an ice cream shop and looks around. Walks up to the counter and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I just ran out of chocolate but I have vanilla and strawberry."

"Oh, ok. let's see.... let me get a half gallon of chocolate."

"Lady,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have seven chocolate bars, and my friend takes two. What does he have?

A fucking death wish.

I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.