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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

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Why are people who have sex with fruit never single?

Because they cum in pears.

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

What do you call a fruit that loves someone from afar?

A pineapple.

What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

Why did the two fruit get caught when they tried to run away and get married?

Cause they cantaloupe.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

Girlfriend, if he don't appreciate fruit puns...

You need to let that mango.

A guy kept trying to sell me fruits

I told him Mango

What's an uneducated person's least favorite fruit?

The Li-berry

Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

I finally met someone who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

We’re going on a date next week...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

They made a movie about my favorite fruit!

It's called Rocketman, you should go see it.

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

Do twins with a fruit fetish..

Come in pears?

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa!

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital.

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I signed up to a dating site for men who have sex with fruit.

Their motto was 'Guys who cum in pears, come in pairs'

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?

Canteloupe

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

What do you call a sad fruit dog?

Melancholy

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple.

The store owner: "Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"
The woman: "4, I'm on a diet."

Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.

The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”

Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”

Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that...

What is post Malone’s favorite fruit?

Watermalone

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Bananana



(The little one is quite clever)

You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?

Sublime

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

What is a pirate's favorite fruit? Favorite color?

The answer to both questions is "Arrr-inj", and if they don't drink rum, they drink arrrr-rinj juice.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Beans the magical fruit

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

My friend told me that my fruit puns were getting out of hand.

He is just jealous that son of a peach.

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

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**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Pomegranate is not a fruit

it's a task.

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

Fruits

*Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.*

*Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.*

*Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.*

*Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?*

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

What do you get with two fruits?

A pear.

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

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Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

What fruit keeps you from getting married out of town

Canteloupe

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

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