UPJOKE
applepearpumpkinseedcitrustomatowatermelonpeachberryvegetablelemonpomegranatestrawberrybananapineapple

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

What do you do if your boyfriend hates Fruit Jokes?

Let the ManGo

Did you hear about the country that tried to use fresh fruit as currency?

They ran into problems when everyone’s money started to get moldy. Last I heard, they’re looking into using non-fungible tokens now.

Why can’t fruit get married in Las Vegas

They cantaloupe.

What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaaa! Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

What is Beethoven favorite fruit?

Ba na na naaaa

After persuading Adam and Eve to eat the Forbidden Fruit, the Serpent decides to ask God something

"Hey, God, I just ruined Adam and Eve's lives! I got them to eat the Fruit that you specifically asked them not to eat!"

"Ok."

"I gotta ask though, why did you not want to them to eat it? Why do you care if they have knowledge of Good and Evil? Is it because you want to be the only one...

what fruit would single people be??

Cantaloupe

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call an end to all fruits?

An apple-colypse

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit?

A lavacado!

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

What do you call a scary fruit?

A BOO-Berry!

I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today

I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.

Papaya

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

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It’s true what they say about fruit being good for constipation…

I got my phone repair bill from Apple and literally did shit myself.

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

What's Batman's favorite fruit???

A Bana-na-na-na-na

What Were Romeo and Juliet's Favorite Fruit?

Cantaloupe

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

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broccoli

So there is a kid working at Wollworth. One day he is working fruit and veg, he is putting out some apples and an old lady approaches him "excuse me, do you have any broccoli?"

The kid has a look around "I'm sorry, i think we have sold out at the moment, but we should have some more in tomorr...

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Food inspection

A food inspection officer went to 3 chicken farms

Farm 1
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 1: I feed them vegetables.
Inspector: WRONG! closed down this farm immediately

Farm 2
Inspector: What do you feed the chickens ?
Farmer 2: a little scared said i fe...

Why don't fruits in a basket get moldy at the same time?

Because mold is "spore"adic



Note: Had to remake this post cause I somehow managed to post it without looking at how muffed up the title was

I really love fruit spread...

That's my jam!

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

Tom: Hey, do you like fruits?

James: Not really.

Tom: And salad?

James: Not much.

Tom: Then you’re not gonna like what I did.

James: What? You made fruit salad?

Tom: Nah, I made out with your wife.

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

Some fruits can turn into other fruits

For example, wait long enough and blueberries turn into elder berries

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

What would you call Dr Frankenstein if he were made of fruit

A peach cobbler!

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

What the saddest fruit of them all?

This pear

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

Why are the fruits going to have a fancy wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Scurvy.

Resistance is fruit aisle.

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

Just came home to find my mate slumped over the fruit bowl, fast asleep.

I was understandably confused by this, so awoke him and asked him what on earth had happened. Turns out he’d been out drinking and had chatted to a car enthusiast who told him he should watch 24 hours of Le Mans.

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota?

He was Mini-apple-less!

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

What is the state fruit of Arkansas?

Pump-kin

What’s a mathematician’s favorite fruit?

A Tangentarine

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

what fruit do ghosts love?

booooo berries

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

If you were a fruit you'd be a...

Fineapple. And if you were a vegetable, I would visit every day to the hospital.

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