A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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Every apple tree has instructions in its genetic code to make the base of the apple fruit

They're the *apple bottom genes*

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

What's a scarecrows favourite fruit?

A straw-berry.

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

What do you do if your boyfriend hates fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo!

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

?What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-nA-NAA**AAAAAA**

A guy hands a girl two fruits at a grocery.

Girl: I don't want this

Guy: why not? It's a perfect pair

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad.

A guy once dipped a fruit in glitter

Pretty Bananas

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Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

What did the fruit say to her boyfriend who wanted to run off and get married?

I cantaloupe.

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first?

The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

What is an incel’s favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

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You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

A man got arrested for selling tropical fruit on the side of the road

As I was walking by I told the police
“Hey that man is just trying to make a living. Let that mango”

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

I never called you stupid. But when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked whether it's the fruit or the colour, it kinda caught me off guard

I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

What fruit has seven dents.

Snow whites cherry.

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop.

They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

What do you call a primate that loves fruit?

An orangeutan

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory.

But I got juiced to it.

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

What do you call a pastry made from forbidden fruit?

a SIN-pie!

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

What are New Wave artists’ least favorite fruit?

Durian Durian

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

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What do they scream at a pride event when they see a sexy fruit walking by?

Look at that man-go.

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3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, “I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It’s getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.”

The second guy says, “I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It’s getting more difficult even with fruits and veggie...

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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I was talking to a friend when she asked “do you wanna see a trick?”

Interested in what it was, I reply “sure, what do you have”

She pulls out a penny and asks “ do you smell anything?” Puzzled for a moment I reply “no, not really” she smirks “you should, it’s a cent.”

She then puts a second penny in front of the first and asks “do you see any fruit?” A...

Translating a Bulgarian joke

Vegans have been screwing us over from the very beginning. If Eve had eaten the snake and not the fruit we wouldn't be in this mess.

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[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

The Original Sin

When God found out that Eve gave Adam the forbidden fruit, he decided that she deserved to be punished. Her sin was so terrible that also every other woman would have to pay for Eve’s treason. God sentenced them all to pay with their blood... but through convenient monthly installments.

My brothers and I were sitting around making up jokes about fruit.

Here is mine:

What fruit is dyslexic and asks to do things?










A persimmon.

What kind of fruit can you have two of, but never have one of?

A pear.

A fruit and a vegetable stroll into a bar.

The bartender calls out :
"Oh, anything the matter? You look confused today, tomato"

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

I now sell smoothies.

Orange is a great fruit.

It is citrically acclaimed.

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

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If vaginas grew like fruit

They would come from Countries.

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

My 4yo told me a dad joke: What happens when you knock over a fruit stand?

An apple-anche.

What is Baby Yoda's favorite fruit?

Mandalorian oranges.

A King is thirsty

During a royal party, the king finds himself parched.

Rather than ask one of his many servants for a beverage, he thinks back to his more humble years, when he would fetch things for himself.

The king decides he will get up and get the drink himself.
As he approaches the concessions...

Did you know coconut milk can be used as a blood substute?

Anyways, on a seperate note, I just lost my medical licence for trying to turn a vegetable into a fruit.

Time flies like an arrow.

But fruit flies like a banana.

What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic?

A compassion fruit

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