What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

What kind of fruit can you have two of, but never have one of?

A pear.

What’s my wife’s favorite fruit?

Honey-do.

What do you call the vanishing fruit?

Disappear.

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

My 4yo told me a dad joke: What happens when you knock over a fruit stand?

An apple-anche.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Orange is a great fruit.

It is citrically acclaimed.

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

My wife is on this tropical fruit diet. Our kitchen is full of this crazy food.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic?

A compassion fruit

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable drinks has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide...

Their "Melon-Cauli" smoothie has now been withdrawn...

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If vaginas grew like fruit

They would come from Countries.

What is Ludvig Van Beethoven's favourite fruit?

BA-NAA-NA-NAAAA

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

What's a scarecrows favorite fruit?

A strawberry

My wife bought a fruit called a fig, she told me it was in the kitchen.

I remembered I have no wife and it was just a (fig)ment of my imagination.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

Why did the two fruit get caught when they tried to run away and get married?

Cause they cantaloupe.

What do you call a fruit that loves someone from afar?

A pineapple.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

A guy kept trying to sell me fruits

I told him Mango

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

Girlfriend, if he don't appreciate fruit puns...

You need to let that mango.

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Why are people who have sex with fruit never single?

Because they cum in pears.

Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

What's an uneducated person's least favorite fruit?

The Li-berry

I finally met someone who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

We’re going on a date next week...

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

Do twins with a fruit fetish..

Come in pears?

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

They made a movie about my favorite fruit!

It's called Rocketman, you should go see it.

I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

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I signed up to a dating site for men who have sex with fruit.

Their motto was 'Guys who cum in pears, come in pairs'

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