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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

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An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them.

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him, after the second apple he screamed and ...

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

What do you call a sad fruit dog?

Melancholy

What fruit can't get married?

A cantaloupe!

A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple.

The store owner: "Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"
The woman: "4, I'm on a diet."

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

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I signed up to a dating site for men who have sex with fruit.

Their motto was 'Guys who cum in pears, come in pairs'

What is post Malone’s favorite fruit?

Watermalone

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

OMG did you hear about the semi carrying fruit thru San Antonio today breaking down on the interstate?

It caused a real jam!

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Bananas are the Japanese of the fruit world.

All yellow, and all slightly radioactive.

You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

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What can be both a sex position and a fruit?

A chestnut.

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?

Canteloupe

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

What's Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?

Cantelope

Where there's one fruit fetishist, there's always another.

They always come in pairs...

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Bananana

​

(The little one is quite clever)

What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?

Sublime

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital.

Beans the magical fruit

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?

The Adam’s apple!

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

What is a pirate's favorite fruit? Favorite color?

The answer to both questions is "Arrr-inj", and if they don't drink rum, they drink arrrr-rinj juice.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A man goes to a wedding bar and orders a Fruit Punch

“I’m driving tonight” says the man

The bartender looks at him and informs him that in order to obtain it he would have to wait in line.

The man clearly confused leaves with a confused look. He quickly glances the bar and sees a line.

The man is now jostled back and forth in the ...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

I was at my best friend's apartment craving a smoothie.

After rummaging through his kitchen looking for anything to make a smoothie with, I got really frustrated and asked him.


"Don't you have a single fruit in this damned place!"

He shrugged and said, "sorry, we only have pears."

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Two tribes go to war

There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says

"i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest." So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges.

The leader says "you must shove all 10 of t...

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

Pomegranate is not a fruit

it's a task.

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Wait, you didn’t hear about the terrorist attack on the Dried Fruits and Nuts convention?

I guess you don’t follow currant events.

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Fruits

Far away, there were a group of sailors who got caught in a thunderstorm.

The thunderstorm left three crew members on an unknown island. Later they found each other and together they encountered a strange tribe.

The native people of the island began to surround the three crew members a...

What do you get with two fruits?

A pear.

Which fruit always comes in groups of 2?

Pears

Fruits

*Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.*

*Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.*

*Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.*

*Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?*

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

In North Korea, you cannot throw fruit in the snow...

Because they do not have the right to freeze peach.

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Three colonists come to the new world... NSFW

They are captured soon after they arrive by Native Americans. The Natives want to kill the colonists, but the colonists beg for their lives. They allow the colonists to live, but on one condition. The Native Americans then tell the colonists that each of them need to find a fruit and come back with ...

What fruit keeps you from getting married out of town

Canteloupe

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

Why is the banana such a popular fruit?

Because it has a peel.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Why do some fruits prefer traditional weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

What's the difference between fruit flies and time?

Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.

When I brought up to someone that I was starting a fruit farm he thought I was extremely non-masculine

He sent a lot of mixed messages when he told me to Grow a Pear

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

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We all accept that tomato is a fruit

So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads?

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

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A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaa Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa

There was a vendor in the area that sold delicious fruit smoothies.

One day the man disappeared.

So did the punchline.

Why was that fruit so angry and alone?

That was the last strawberry.

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

What is Camila Cabello‘s favorite fruit?

Banana, ooh na-na (ay)

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Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.

The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but ...

The thing about people with fruit fetishes...

Is that they usually come in pears