Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

What do you call a queue of people waiting to get fruit punch?

Punchline

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

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Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Hear about the fire at the dried fruits factory?

It was an apricotastrophe.

Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota?

He was Mini-apple-less!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

What do you call a song about fruits and vegetables?

Melon-cauli

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

?What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-nA-NAA**AAAAAA**

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

A man walked up, handed me a green curvy fruit, and asked what it is

I told him disappear

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

I asked my wife, “Did you know that there’s a fruit that would give you your entire potassium requirement for the day?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Banananaa

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite

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My ex used to have sex with fruit when she was stressed.

When we broke up she went fucking bananas.

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

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If you catch a fruitophiliac having a go at your fruit

Be mindful that a second one could be nearby.

They cum in pears.

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a fruit punch.

The waiter says that he will have to wait in line.

The man looks everywhere, but to his dismay there is no punch line.

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

Two fruit flies are out on a date.

“This date is amazing!”
“Yeah, but it’s already half eaten.”

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

A guy hands a girl two fruits at a grocery.

Girl: I don't want this

Guy: why not? It's a perfect pair

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

What are the best kind of fruit for twins?

Pears

A fruitful joke

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they ha...

What fruit was used the most in World War II

The pineapple grenade

What's the avatar's favourite fruit?

maango

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

If fruit juice could be a drug

It would be much easier to find a punch-line

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

Which Pope liked fruit the most?

Pope Pius





(papayas)

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she’s sangria than ever...

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

I brought a date to the 4th of July party...

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

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What is the difference between jam and jelly?

Jam is made from whole or cut up pieces of fruit with sugar.

Jelly is made from only the fruit juice and sugar.

Did you think I was going to say "I can't Jelly my dick up your ass"?

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A guy once dipped a fruit in glitter

Pretty Bananas

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond. (Long)

The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him....

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You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first?

The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

Two men in suits walk into a bar

Two men in suits walk into a bar. That night, the bar is hosting an event where people get to test their sommelier skills. The first man is given a wine glass and after swirling it around and drinking it, he says “A red wine. Hints of passion fruit and chestnut.”

After watching the first man...

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

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An elderly monk is tending to his garden when a young student comes by.

The student notices that the ancient monk is planting date palms. Curious, he thinks, for the date palm is known for its long fruiting time, and those the monk is planting today will take at least 7 years to bear any fruit. He approaches the monk and asks, "why do you plant these dates when you know...

What's a vampires favorite fruit?

A blood orange

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory.

But I got juiced to it.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

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