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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

Neck-tarines

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

Where there's one fruit fetishist, there's always another.

They always come in pairs...

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?

Cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?

Canteloupe

What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?

Sublime

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

ba NA NANA

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

Beans the magical fruit

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The...

If you’re with a man that doesn’t like fruit puns...

You gotta let that mango.

What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?

The Adam’s apple!

What's Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?

Cantelope

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital.

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Satan emerges from the earth, clutching a large fruit

"Behold me, and this pear"

A man goes to a wedding bar and orders a Fruit Punch

“I’m driving tonight” says the man

The bartender looks at him and informs him that in order to obtain it he would have to wait in line.

The man clearly confused leaves with a confused look. He quickly glances the bar and sees a line.

The man is now jostled back and forth in the ...

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The other day I suggested that my uptight girlfriend should try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

What is a pirate's favorite fruit? Favorite color?

The answer to both questions is "Arrr-inj", and if they don't drink rum, they drink arrrr-rinj juice.

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

Posted a slightly raw fruit-joke on reddit, and after a while...

ripe inbox

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Three colonists come to the new world... NSFW

They are captured soon after they arrive by Native Americans. The Natives want to kill the colonists, but the colonists beg for their lives. They allow the colonists to live, but on one condition. The Native Americans then tell the colonists that each of them need to find a fruit and come back with ...

Pomegranate is not a fruit

it's a task.

Which fruit always comes in groups of 2?

Pears

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

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Two tribes go to war

There were 2 tribes in a war with each other. One tribe wins and takes 3 prisoners from the other tribe.the leader says

"i will let you go if you collect 10 of one fruit from the forest." So they went. The first guy comes back with oranges.

The leader says "you must shove all 10 of t...

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

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Fruits

Far away, there were a group of sailors who got caught in a thunderstorm.

The thunderstorm left three crew members on an unknown island. Later they found each other and together they encountered a strange tribe.

The native people of the island began to surround the three crew members a...

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

What fruit keeps you from getting married out of town

Canteloupe

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

Fruits

*Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.*

*Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.*

*Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.*

*Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?*

What do you get with two fruits?

A pear.

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

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Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

Why is the banana such a popular fruit?

Because it has a peel.

In North Korea, you cannot throw fruit in the snow...

Because they do not have the right to freeze peach.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Why do some fruits prefer traditional weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?

Cantaloupe

What's the difference between fruit flies and time?

Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

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We all accept that tomato is a fruit

So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads?

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A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit...

Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

Why was that fruit so angry and alone?

That was the last strawberry.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaa Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaa

What is Camila Cabello‘s favorite fruit?

Banana, ooh na-na (ay)

What do you call a fruit that’s high in potassium and likes disorder?

A bananachist.

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Three guys are attempting to steal fruit from a farmers huge orchard

The farmer catches them and, holding them at gunpoint, makes a deal. They’re to go out and find three of any fruit and bring it back to him.

The first guy gets back with three apples and the farmer tells him “if you can shove all three up your ass I’ll give you all the food you can eat, but ...

Which fruit would be the best lawyer?

Advocado.

What did the daddy fruit say to the daughter fruit?

You cantaloup

The thing about people with fruit fetishes...

Is that they usually come in pears

What do you call an antelope who gets sick from the fruit salad the morning of his wedding?

A cantelope

Guys I’m so proud of this joke

What is it called when a fruit is forced to do drugs?

Pear pressure.

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A man walks to the fruit stand

He asks for two bananas.
The vendor gives him the bananas, and the man puts one on each ear and pushes them inside.

"That's an amazing trick!" exclaims the the vendor.
The man doesn't seem to understand the comment and just leaves.

The next day, the same man arrives and a...

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

What do you call a fruit that studies the night before a test?

A cram-berry.

Did anyone know what happened to that passion fruit truck crash yesterday?

It caused traffic jam.

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The fruit bandits

Their is a plain crash, with three survivors.

All male, but they crashed on an unnamed island, in the Pacific.

As they crawl out of the wreck, and meet up.

They're met with bandits, who saw the plane and went to investigate.

The bandits wanted some entertainment, so they ...

What plant bears fruit & is afraid of lifelong commitment?

Cantaloupe

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

I always get my fruits mixed up, but don't point it out to anyone.

I don't like being in the lemonlight.

Whats every Dad's favorite fruit?

Watermelon (water my lawn)