UPJOKE
applepearpumpkinseedcitrustomatowatermelongrapefruitpeachberryvegetablelemonpomegranatestrawberrybanana

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.

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Fun fact: you can never find a guy who has sex with fruit by himself

Because they always come in pairs

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

what do socks and fruit molesters have in common?

They come in pairs.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....

I would visit you every day in the hospital.

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Why is the amount of people with a fetish for fruit always an even number?

Because they always cum in pears.

Which is the the most incestuous fruit?

The pumpkin!

Offering fruit to an Australian for breakfast may not make them happy..

..But a veggie might.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

What's a rock's favorite fruit?

Pome-granite

I now sell dried fruit for a living

It’s my current job

What is a rednecks favourite fruit?

Pump kin...

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…

… you need to let that mango.

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.

Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates

What fruit do soldiers hate?

The Pommegranade

Credit to my 8 year son on his birthday

What fruit does a couple eat after they are forced into a big wedding?

Cantelope.

Why is pineapple a shark's favorite fruit?

It makes the sea men taste nicer.

Why did the exotic fruit connoisseur bite a rock?

He thought it was a palm-o-granite

A fruit walks into a bank.

Hands up says the fruit! Put all of the money into this bag! This is a strawberry!

Which is Beethoven"s favourite fruit?

The "BaNANANAAAAA", "Ba NA NA NAAAAA"...

If the tomato is technically a fruit

Does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

Did you hear that fruit will never travel to Australia?

Yeah! Fruit won't, but veggie might!

Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market?

A. Because he was on a date.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

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[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust?

Orange Jews from concentrate

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

What happens when fruit dies?

It pear-ishes

Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.

Did you hear about the country that tried to use fresh fruit as currency?

They ran into problems when everyone’s money started to get moldy. Last I heard, they’re looking into using non-fungible tokens now.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

I had to fire my fruit delivery driver today

I hate to let the mango but he was driving me bananas.

After persuading Adam and Eve to eat the Forbidden Fruit, the Serpent decides to ask God something

"Hey, God, I just ruined Adam and Eve's lives! I got them to eat the Fruit that you specifically asked them not to eat!"

"Ok."

"I gotta ask though, why did you not want to them to eat it? Why do you care if they have knowledge of Good and Evil? Is it because you want to be the only one...

What's Romeo and Juliette's least favorite fruit?

cantelope

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

So I’m standing here waiting for fruit juice when my buddy asks where we are.

I told him we’re in the punchline.

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

What kind of cancer does fruit get?

Melon-oma

what fruit would single people be??

Cantaloupe

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

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NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

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It’s true what they say about fruit being good for constipation…

I got my phone repair bill from Apple and literally did shit myself.

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

What does a former head of the Vatican have in common with a fruit grown in Mexico?

They're both Pope Pius/papayas!

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

What the saddest fruit of them all?

This pear

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?

A Melon Collie.




...I'll get my coat.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

What is the state fruit of Arkansas?

Pump-kin

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

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