My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

What do you do if your boyfriend doen't loves fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

Just came home to find my mate slumped over the fruit bowl, fast asleep.

I was understandably confused by this, so awoke him and asked him what on earth had happened. Turns out he’d been out drinking and had chatted to a car enthusiast who told him he should watch 24 hours of Le Mans.

What do you get when you cross a sad fruit with a sad vegetable?

A meloncauliflower.

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

What kind of fruit is scared to go to it’s wedding?

Cantaloupe.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend would always masturbate with fruit whenever she is upset!

One day when i decided to tell her I couldn't take it anymore.. she went Fucking Bananas!!

What kind of fruit will never get married?

Cantelouope

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota?

He was Mini-apple-less!

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

What is the state fruit of Arkansas?

Pump-kin

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

Hear about the fire at the dried fruits factory?

It was an apricotastrophe.

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

If you were a fruit you'd be a...

Fineapple. And if you were a vegetable, I would visit every day to the hospital.

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

Time flies like an arrow

but fruit flies like a banana

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Banananaa

My crush: I like car chase action scenes.

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here.

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit...

...it’s a date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

?What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-nA-NAA**AAAAAA**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

A guy hands a girl two fruits at a grocery.

Girl: I don't want this

Guy: why not? It's a perfect pair

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you catch a fruitophiliac having a go at your fruit

Be mindful that a second one could be nearby.

They cum in pears.

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

What's the avatar's favourite fruit?

maango

Two fruit flies are out on a date.

“This date is amazing!”
“Yeah, but it’s already half eaten.”

What are the best kind of fruit for twins?

Pears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

Which Pope liked fruit the most?

Pope Pius





(papayas)

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

A fruitful joke

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they ha...

If fruit juice could be a drug

It would be much easier to find a punch-line

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

A guy once dipped a fruit in glitter

Pretty Bananas

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first?

The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.