My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

Which Pope liked fruit the most?

Pope Pius





(papayas)

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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If you catch a fruitophiliac having a go at your fruit

Be mindful that a second one could be nearby.

They cum in pears.

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

What is beethoven‘s favorite fruit?

Banananaaa

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

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My ex used to have sex with fruit when she was stressed.

When we broke up she went fucking bananas.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

Two fruit flies are out on a date.

“This date is amazing!”
“Yeah, but it’s already half eaten.”

What are the best kind of fruit for twins?

Pears

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges. He comes across the orange stand and is surprised to see the lack of customers compared to the other stands. He proceeds to ask the vendor about it. He then answers:

"Well, the sign leading to my shop was stolen and the staff refused to provide m...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

A fruitful joke

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they ha...

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A man is riding a donkey in the desert with nothing but an endless bowl of fruit

He has all he needs to survive the journey but he starts to get horny. He decides his only option is to try and fuck the donkey. He tries and tries but the donkey keeps moving away every time.

Several days in he sees a beautiful, naked woman approaching him and his eyes widen- and so do hers...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

If fruit juice could be a drug

It would be much easier to find a punch-line

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

?What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-nA-NAA**AAAAAA**

Fruit

Q: Why'd the fermented apple get thrown away?
A: He was an out-cider.

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Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

What's the avatar's favourite fruit?

maango

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a fruit?

A baaa nana

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

A guy hands a girl two fruits at a grocery.

Girl: I don't want this

Guy: why not? It's a perfect pair

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is

not putting it in a fruit salad.

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

What did the fruit say to her boyfriend who wanted to run off and get married?

I cantaloupe.

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

A guy once dipped a fruit in glitter

Pretty Bananas

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first?

The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

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You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

A man got arrested for selling tropical fruit on the side of the road

As I was walking by I told the police
“Hey that man is just trying to make a living. Let that mango”

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

Time flies like an arrow..

Fruit flies like a banana!

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

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I met a sorceress in the desert once

She told me I could have all the churned dairy products and preserved fruit I could ever want, but first I had to marry her and sign a legally binding agreement that she would get it all back if we ever got divorced

Until that day I'd never believed the legends of the prenup butter and jelly ...

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

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The 5 Penny Joke

I have 5 pennies. I lay one on a table.

"Smell anything?"
I point to the penny.
"There's a cent."

I lay a second penny down.
"See any fruit?"
"There's a pair."

Third penny.
"See any cops?"
"There's three coppers right there."

4th.
"See any cars?"...

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

What's a vampires favorite fruit?

A blood orange

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory.

But I got juiced to it.

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

What do you call a pastry made from forbidden fruit?

a SIN-pie!

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

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What do they scream at a pride event when they see a sexy fruit walking by?

Look at that man-go.

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

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