What do you do if your boyfriend doen't loves fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

What kind of fruit will never get married?

Cantelouope

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

What's an electrician's favourite fruit?

Currants!

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend would always masturbate with fruit whenever she is upset!

One day when i decided to tell her I couldn't take it anymore.. she went Fucking Bananas!!

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota?

He was Mini-apple-less!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

What type of fruit always has a wedding?

Cantaloupe

What is the state fruit of Arkansas?

Pump-kin

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Hear about the fire at the dried fruits factory?

It was an apricotastrophe.

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

If you were a fruit you'd be a...

Fineapple. And if you were a vegetable, I would visit every day to the hospital.

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

What do you call a song about fruits and vegetables?

Melon-cauli

What fruit do you use to make toe jam?

You use fruit by the foot

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

?What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-nA-NAA**AAAAAA**

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

Banananaa

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

If an acquaintance asks if you’d like to join them for the afternoon picking oval, reddish-yellow fruit...

...it’s a date.

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a fruit?

A baaa nana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you catch a fruitophiliac having a go at your fruit

Be mindful that a second one could be nearby.

They cum in pears.

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

I used to think Pomegranate was a stone fruit...

Pom-a-granite

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

Two fruit flies are out on a date.

“This date is amazing!”
“Yeah, but it’s already half eaten.”

What are the best kind of fruit for twins?

Pears

Teacher asks..

Teacher: what does the bee gives you?

Students: honeybee

Teacher: what does the tree gives you?

Students: shadow and fruits

Teacher: what does the fat cow gives you?

Students: homework

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What is a Vampire's Favorite Fruit?

Nectarine


(Blood Orange is a close second)

r/dadjokes said I didn't have enough Karma to post, so here I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Ana will be barred from the fruit market

Ban Ana

A guy hands a girl two fruits at a grocery.

Girl: I don't want this

Guy: why not? It's a perfect pair

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

Which Pope liked fruit the most?

Pope Pius





(papayas)

A fruitful joke

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they ha...

I'm training my dog to sniff out ripe fruit

He's going to be a melon collie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Did you hear about the infamous fruit fucker?

The police claim it's only a single person. Because they don't cum in pears

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

A guy once dipped a fruit in glitter

Pretty Bananas

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

Which fruit improves your memory the most?

The Cucumber.

The cucumber most definitely improves your memory. You see, when I was 6 my uncle stuck a cucumber up my ass, and I have never forgot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

What did the tropical bird say when the monkey stole his fruit?

Toucan play at that game.

Kids that don’t grow up in the US are lucky...

Instead of Fruit by the Foot, they get Fruit by the Meter!

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.

She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

Instead of mistletoe, we should hang up green citrus fruits

so when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

An emo and a fruit both fall from a tree. Who reaches the ground first?

The fruit, because the rope stopped the emo.

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.