A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What's it called when you share your fruit snacks?

Welch Redistribution.

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

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You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

What is an incel’s favorite fruit?

Cantaloupe

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

What kind of tree holds the widest variety of fruit?

The pantry.

A man got arrested for selling tropical fruit on the side of the road

As I was walking by I told the police
“Hey that man is just trying to make a living. Let that mango”

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes,

you need to let that mango.

What do you put on a good fruits grave stone?

R.I.P.E.

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring.

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop.

They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

What's a vampires favorite fruit?

A blood orange

What do you call a primate that loves fruit?

An orangeutan

Why are you so afraid to be a fruit farmer?

Just grow a pear

You know what I think of submissive citrus fruits.

They are sublime.

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

How do you turn a fruit in to a vegetable?

Push him down the stairs.

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

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What do you get when you have sexual relations with a fruit-flavored soft drink?

Cool aids

What are New Wave artists’ least favorite fruit?

Durian Durian

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, ...

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

What fruit is part of the American military?

A Naval Orange!!

Sorry if this is a repost, I didn’t check first.

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

I don't like my job at the fruit beverages factory.

But I got juiced to it.

What do you call a pastry made from forbidden fruit?

a SIN-pie!

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

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What do they scream at a pride event when they see a sexy fruit walking by?

Look at that man-go.

What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?

Fruit of the tomb

If tomatoes are a fruit

Then ketchup is a smoothie.

Told by my 9 year old son. Thought it was funny. Maybe more of a shower thought.

I grow and sell fruit to Catholic churches across the country.

I mass produce mass produce.

Why is fruit squash banned in Germany?

They have a bad history with concentrated juice

What is the most popular fruit in China?

Mandarin oranges

What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na
(To the tune of Beethoven's 5th)

A fruit and a vegetable stroll into a bar.

The bartender calls out :
"Oh, anything the matter? You look confused today, tomato"

My brothers and I were sitting around making up jokes about fruit.

Here is mine:

What fruit is dyslexic and asks to do things?










A persimmon.

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

I now sell smoothies.

What kind of fruit can you have two of, but never have one of?

A pear.

Orange is a great fruit.

It is citrically acclaimed.

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

Did you guys hear about the person who had his fruit basket stolen?

He was left peachless!!!

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

Heard about the Trump fruit salad?

It's mostly orange 'm' peach.

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

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If vaginas grew like fruit

They would come from Countries.

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A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

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Those who plant dates don't harvest dates...

Once upon a time an old monk was planting dates in a yard,a man passing by noticed him and said,"Why are you planting dates knowing that you will never get to eat the fruit?"
Listening to him,the old monk replied with a kind smile on his face,"My son,go eat a fat dick,the yard is mine and I plant...

What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic?

A compassion fruit

My 4yo told me a dad joke: What happens when you knock over a fruit stand?

An apple-anche.

What did I say when my grandfather offered me some fruit?

Papaya

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

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What's the first thing Eve said to Adam after eating the forbidden fruit?

Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

A smoothie bar serving combined fruit and vegetable drinks has been linked to bouts of depression and suicide...

Their "Melon-Cauli" smoothie has now been withdrawn...

100 year old on local TV



"So what's your secret, Sir?"

"I once sucked a guy for $ 20"

"No - to your longevity!"

"Oh, fruits and vegetables"

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

My friend asked me if I could drive him to town...

I said "I'd love to... but I don't have a fruit to drive."...

well...

What I actually said was "I'd love to... but I don't avocado."

What’s America’s favorite fruit?

Mmmmm peach!

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever

My wife bought a fruit called a fig, she told me it was in the kitchen.

I remembered I have no wife and it was just a (fig)ment of my imagination.

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

Why did the two fruit get caught when they tried to run away and get married?

Cause they cantaloupe.

An Elderly Man In Louisiana

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the po...

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Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

What fruit cant spontaneously get married?

Cantaloupe

After realising they only had one piece of fruit left, a starving crew rioted against their captain.

It was the last strawberry.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Why did the fruit salad turn brown so fast?

It had too much melonin it

Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

What do you call a fruit who's afraid of commitment?

A can't-elope

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

Do twins with a fruit fetish..

Come in pears?

I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

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