UPJOKE
applepearpumpkinseedcitrustomatowatermelonpeachberryvegetablelemonpomegranatestrawberrybananapineapple

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

What do you get when you cross a volcano with a fruit?

A lavacado!

what fruit would single people be??

Cantaloupe

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…

… you need to let that mango.

What do you call a scary fruit?

A BOO-Berry!

I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today

I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas

What is Beethoven's favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaaaaa! Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

My family is divided on the question of imported fruits. My mom says no.

Papaya

What's Batman's favorite fruit???

A Bana-na-na-na-na

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

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It’s true what they say about fruit being good for constipation…

I got my phone repair bill from Apple and literally did shit myself.

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

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NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

What kind of fruit can't just run off and get married.

A Cantaloupe!

What Were Romeo and Juliet's Favorite Fruit?

Cantaloupe

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

Why don't fruits in a basket get moldy at the same time?

Because mold is "spore"adic



Note: Had to remake this post cause I somehow managed to post it without looking at how muffed up the title was

What do you call an end to all fruits?

An apple-colypse

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

It's enough to make a mango crazy.

If tomatoes are fruit, why is there a tomato in Veggietales?

The gourd works in mysterious ways.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

What do you get when you cross a sad dog and a fruit salad?

A Mellon Collie

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I really love fruit spread...

That's my jam!

What fruit can’t you bring to a wedding?

A cantaloupe

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

Some fruits can turn into other fruits

For example, wait long enough and blueberries turn into elder berries

Tom: Hey, do you like fruits?

James: Not really.

Tom: And salad?

James: Not much.

Tom: Then you’re not gonna like what I did.

James: What? You made fruit salad?

Tom: Nah, I made out with your wife.

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

Why are the fruits going to have a fancy wedding?

Because they cantaloupe.

What the saddest fruit of them all?

This pear

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit?

All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it

What do you call bad fruits and vegetables?

Gross-eries

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

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Picking sexual partners is a lot like shopping for fruit.

People look down on you if you pick the ones that got shipped here in a box.

I would make a joke about short people...

but that's low-hanging fruit.

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

What do you call a snake what has been fused with a fruit?

A bananaconda.

I really like cooking fruit with sugar.

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

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A little old Italian man goes to the US patent office.

He sits patiently in the waiting room with a small brown bag in his lap. After about an hour, a young man greets him and invites him into the office.

The worker asks the gentleman why he was there. The Italian man says, “ima gonna show you sumtig. You gonna love it!”.

He opens the bag...

Just came home to find my mate slumped over the fruit bowl, fast asleep.

I was understandably confused by this, so awoke him and asked him what on earth had happened. Turns out he’d been out drinking and had chatted to a car enthusiast who told him he should watch 24 hours of Le Mans.

Three men were about to be executed by a tribe of cannibals...

Their crime was trespassing. They didn't know that they'd tresspassed the tribe's grounds, and pleaded to be shown mercy. Surprisingly, the chief agreed.

"Go out into the forest, and bring back a fruit", the chief said. "You have thirty minutes".

The men were relieved, and went into t...

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Why did the tiny fruit farmer move to Minnesota?

He was Mini-apple-less!

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

What happens when an apple and a pear are hybridized?

It makes a new fruit appear

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

What’s a mathematician’s favorite fruit?

A Tangentarine

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A newly married couple bought two sleeping coach cabin tickets in a train. The journey was on a weekday and not that many people buys sleeping coach

tickets for that route. Once they went inside the cabin, they saw no one was around. They smirked at each other meaning they could make love vigorously during the journey as they were alone. But suddenly, breaking their hopes came an old bearded religious man wearing long white robes.
They began...

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What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

What is the state fruit of Arkansas?

Pump-kin

I went on a couple of dates last week at the local supermarket.

The grocer was outraged, and said I destroyed his fruits.

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

if i brought a katana into a hospital it wouldnt be fruit ninja

it would be vegetable ninja

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3 men in a shipwreck drift upon an island

Upon searching the island, they find it's inhabited by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says, "go out and bring us 10 pieces of fruit or we will eat you". So each of the men goes looking for 10 pieces of fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The king of the cannibals says "now shove th...

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

I'm starting to think the Whitehouse is a fruit stand.

An orange is being impeached because he's bananas!

An elderly man in Louisiana

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

Hear about the fire at the dried fruits factory?

It was an apricotastrophe.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

A blonde is in a spelling competition.

Judge: Spell 'orange'.

Blonde: The fruit or the color?

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Why didn’t the fruit salad get sunburnt?

Because it had plenty of melon in.

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