What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

What's the worst way for a fruit farmer to die?

Berried alive

What do you call a fruit that can't walk?

A pear-plegic

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

What's the world fastest fruit?

A tomato, nothing else can ketchup :)

I finally met someone who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

We’re going on a date next week...

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Does anyone know a joke about fruit and vegetables?

Lettuce know if you can think of one.

Girlfriend, if he don't appreciate fruit puns...

You need to let that mango.

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Why are people who have sex with fruit never single?

Because they cum in pears.

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

Tell me a fruit joke

Mangoes in to a bar...

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

Do twins with a fruit fetish..

Come in pears?

What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?

Ba na na na

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(joke is long but worth it!) Three guys are on an island and meet a tribe of Indians. The Indians tell them to pick a fruit and gather ten of them. The first guy comes back with ten apples. The Indians tell him to shove them up his ass with no emotional expression. (Continued)

He made a pain expression. He got shot with arrows. The second guy comes back with cherrys. He almost got there but then he started laughing hysterically. He gets shot with arrows. The first and second guy meet in heaven and the first guy asks, "Why did you laugh, you almost made it?" He answers,"I ...

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My Wife's vagina tastes like a tropical fruit.

She'll let any mango in there.

I've decided to rank fruits by how sour they are.

Pretty much all of them are sublime.

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?


They made a movie about my favorite fruit!

It's called Rocketman, you should go see it.

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

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Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?

He's fucking bananas.

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This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

Why did the girl marry the bird instead of the fruit?

Because the fruit cantaloupe, but the bird pelican.

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I signed up to a dating site for men who have sex with fruit.

Their motto was 'Guys who cum in pears, come in pairs'

What fruit can't get married?

A cantaloupe!

You hear about the new fruit spread with tiny pieces of asteroid in it.

I believe it's called space jam.

A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple.

The store owner: "Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"
The woman: "4, I'm on a diet."

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

What do you call a sad fruit dog?


How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

You hit it with a brick.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?


What is post Malone’s favorite fruit?


Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.

The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”

Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”

Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that...

Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?


Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable?

because they're seedy.

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple.

And if you were a vegetable, I'd still visit you in the hospital.

What's Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?


OMG did you hear about the semi carrying fruit thru San Antonio today breaking down on the interstate?

It caused a real jam!

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?


My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?


What do you call the lowest fruit on a lime tree?


What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?


(The little one is quite clever)

Beans the magical fruit

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

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Cannibal Fruit Test

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.


What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose families force them to have a big wedding?


What is a pirate's favorite fruit? Favorite color?

The answer to both questions is "Arrr-inj", and if they don't drink rum, they drink arrrr-rinj juice.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

Posted a slightly raw fruit-joke on reddit, and after a while...

ripe inbox

Pomegranate is not a fruit

it's a task.

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

Wait, you didn’t hear about the terrorist attack on the Dried Fruits and Nuts convention?

I guess you don’t follow currant events.


*Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.*

*Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.*

*Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.*

*Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?*

What do you get with two fruits?

A pear.

What tragic fruit resembles Romeo and Juliet?


how do you make a fruit farmer scream?

pinch his plums

What fruit keeps you from getting married out of town


What's the difference between fruit flies and time?

Fruit flies like bananas, but time flies like the wind.

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

Why is the banana such a popular fruit?

Because it has a peel.

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South?

A vegetable can get married

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

My crazy friend told to me to stop making low hanging fruit jokes....

So now I go for the coconuts

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Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

Why do some fruits prefer traditional weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

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We all accept that tomato is a fruit

So why the fuck isn't it in fruit salads?

When I brought up to someone that I was starting a fruit farm he thought I was extremely non-masculine

He sent a lot of mixed messages when he told me to Grow a Pear

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

A tomato walks up to a bunch of fruits in a line

He says "Hey guys I'm a fruit, can I hang out with you?"

One turns to him and says

"No, this is the punch line"

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