Why are Wendy's hamburgers square?

Because they don't cut corners.

As I ate my hamburger I was told it’s mean to kill cows.

What am I supposed to do, eat them alive?

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

A hamburger walks into a bar

The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?

Meet Patty

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

Why did the Hamburger Helper get fired from the restaurant?

Because he was Stroganoff on the job!

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Tending bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “That’ll be 5 cents. “

“Wow, that’s a good deal, how much is a hamburger?”

The bartender says “That’ll be 10 cents. “

“Wow, that’s a great deal, how do you stay in business?”

The bartender says “Well, ...

Word on the street is that an Iranian lawmaker is trying to take out the President

He should know that the President has a preference for hamburgers and caviar.

Today's popular drama on the internet is like a hamburger with salad and tomatoes.

They both haven't got any meat to them

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From farm to table...

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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Gay sex is just like a hamburger...

You have a top, a bottom and some meat in the middle.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

What did the cow say to the hamburger?

Chuck, not you too!

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

What do priests and McDonald’s hamburgers have in common?

They both put meat in between ten year old buns.

Waitress asked man if he had any questions about the menu....

"Yeah, what font is the hamburger special?"

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

How do you make a hamburger laugh?

Pickle it gently.

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space?

It's a little meteor.

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

that’s unfortunate

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I eat pussy like I eat my hamburgers...

People are starting to wonder why I'm crying in front of my untouched burger

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

I think the Rainforest Bistro takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time, I was sitting there, eating my hamburger, and they bulldozed half the restaurant!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach.

There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. Suddenly, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me", he says. ...

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the ext...

What did the homeless guy eat after he dropped his hamburger?

Ground beef

A blonde goes into a library...

A blonde walks into a library and marches right up to the librarian and says "I'd like a hamburger with fries please". The puzzled librarian says "I'm sorry miss, but this is a library". So the blonde whispers, "I'm sorry, may I have a hamburger with fries".

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bar Handjob

A guy walks into a bar and is greeted by a female bartender. On the wall he sees a menu that reads:

- Cheese sandwich 1.50
- Hamburger 2.50
- Handjobs 10.00

Quickly, the man checks his wallet to see how much money he has.

He asks the bartender: "Are you the one who gives ...

What is a cow's favorite horror movie?

How It's Made: Hamburgers

Jimmy went to the library.

At the the library he said to the librarian “Can I get a hamburger.” The librarian responds “ Sir this is a library.” Jimmy whispers “Sorry can I have a hamburger.

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.

Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

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