The 54+ Best Hamburger Jokes

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink...

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then s...

What did the hamburger say to the hot dog?

You’re on a roll!

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

What did one hamburger bun say to the other hamburger bun?

Nothing. They had beef between them.

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger

The librarian says, "This is a library."

The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

NEVER get a hamburger in Athens.

Way too Greecey.

How does a hamburger introduce his wife???

Meat patty...

Where do hamburgers go to dance?

They go to the meat-ball

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Whats a hamburger on a motorcyle?

Fast food

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy w...

What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill?

"Roadside Assistance"

A man was sitting near a corner of a park, eating a hamburger

A lady with a dog comes and sits next to him

The dog starts whining seeing the hamburger

So the man asks the lady,"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all" the lady replies, pleased

So the man got up and threw the dog over the park fence

Why did hamburger go to the gym?

To get better buns.

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

What do you call a frozen hamburger?

A ham-brrr-ger.

my 7yo claims she made it up herself.

A hamburger walks into a bar..

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

What does a redneck and a hamburger have in common?

They're both in bread.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

What do you call a Tom Cruise movie with a hamburger in it?

Top Bun.

I was about to eat my hamburger when an old lady approached me and beg me for food...

I felt pity on her and gave her half of my burger. Turns out she was a Fairy

Poof

Fairy: because of your kindness i will grant you one wish

Me: Really? I want a brand new Ferrari!

And there it was, 1/2 of a Ferrari

How do you call it when you help someone make a hamburger?

A co-whopperation.

How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

Depends if anyone is looking.

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

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A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

Why should you always knock before entering the Hamburger Helper Mascot’s room?

He might beef stroganoff.

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An American was talking to a Japanese friend on why he wouldn't eat french fries and hamburgers...

The Japanese friend said: "In Japan normally we don't eat a lot of unhealthy stuff because it'll make us fat".

The American said: "Why do you care about being fat?"

The Japanese friend said: "You don't want to know what happened last time when we had a fat man in Japan..."

Give a man a hamburger . . .

you will feed him for a day. Lend a man a hamburger and he will gladly pay you Tuesday.

Why did the Hamburger Helper get fired from the restaurant?

Because he was Stroganoff on the job!

What do you call a male cow that eats hamburgers?

A cannibull..ha..ha..?

What kind of food truck serves hamburgers?

A patty wagon

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

What's the difference between water falling from the sky and hamburgers falling from the sky?

One of them is a meatier shower.

Where do all the bad hamburger buns live?

In the seedy part of town

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

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What do hamburgers wear when they have sex?

Condoments

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

It's crazy to think that we have scientists that can make hamburgers out of plants. These possibilities are just...

Beyond meat

What did the Mongols put on their Hamburgers?

Khan-diments.

If Londoners are what you call people from London and New Yorkers are what you call people from New York, what are Hamburgers??

Delicious!!

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

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Why do hamburgers and hot dogs fuck their cousins?

Because they're inbred!

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