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Cheeseburger Jokes

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.
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How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar

The bartender says "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here"
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Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.
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CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....
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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...
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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...
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A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?
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I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.
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What do you call a cheeseburger that’s on the move?

A slider.

My 10 year old nephew came up with this one, I think he nailed it!
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What‘s the difference between a cheeseburger and anal?

The cheeseburger doesn‘t fart if you pull out the pickle.

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup
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A man approaches a librarian in a library

He shouts at her, "EXCUSE ME MISS, CAN I HAVE A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER PLEASE?"

The librarian replies "Sir, please, this is a library."

He whispers back, "Oh, sorry. Excuse me Miss, can I have a fucking cheeseburger please?"

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

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Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

(No- what?)

Want to get lunch sometime?

What did the cheeseburger name her daughter?

Patty.
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Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger?

It had beef.
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Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes?

It was on a roll.
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An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...
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The Library

This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.

Here it goes:

A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams “MA’AM I’LL ...
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I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers

I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"
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If Trump doesn’t lay off the cheeseburgers...

He’ll be up to 6’5 by next year.
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Why is a cheeseburger better than eternal happiness?

1. Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
2. A cheeseburger is better than nothing.

QED
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Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers?

Because they are in bread.
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How do you smuggle a cheeseburger into prison?

Between 2 buns
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The judge says "Order!"

The defendant spoke. He said, "Yeah, I'll take a cheeseburger with fries, and can I get a large Coca-Cola with that as well?"
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A man is in diner with his two young boys...

The waitress comes to the table to take their order. The man says, "I'll have the chicken fried steak."

She jots that down and asks the oldest boy "What would you like, sweetie?"

The boys answers, "I'll have a god damn cheeseburger."

The father angrily backhands the boy.
...

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

...
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I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.
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My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."
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Rene Descartes goes to a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger.

The waiter says, "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Rene Descartes replies, "I think not," and ceases to exist.
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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*...
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A president, a rapist and a liar walk into a bar...

He orders a cheeseburger.

Being 62, I wasn't surprise to find my first grey pubic hair today.

What surprised me was finding it in the McDonald's cheeseburger I had for lunch.
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A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...
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A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."
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"I'll have a cheeseburger with a large coke," The blonde girl requested.

"Excuse me miss, this is a library."

^^"I'll ^^have ^^a ^^cheeseburger ^^with ^^a ^^large ^^coke," she whispered.
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Everything's Big in Texas

A man walks into a hotel restaurant and sits down at the bar and orders a beer. When the beer comes it's the largest he's ever seen.

"Why is this so huge?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well everything's big in Texas!"

Then the man orders a cheeseburger, and this too is e...
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Crunches

I told my girlfriend today I really needed to lose weight.

She said "You need to do crunches"

I said "I do that already! I crunch cookies, I crunch pizza. I'm about to crunch on some cheeseburgers."

Doesn't seem to be helping...
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Which side of a glass of water does Gary Larson drink from?

Neither! He ordered a cheeseburger!
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I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:

Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
Hand Job £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am"...
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An old biker rolls up to a bar..

And takes a seat. He checks out the menu which says:

Beer - 2$
Cheeseburger 3$
Hamburger 4$
HandJob 15$

Some time later a smoking hot blonde saunters up to him and he asks 'Are you the one that gives the handjobs?'

'Yes I am,' She replies

'Good, wash your fucking...

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May I take your order

A divorced father takes his 2 boys, age 5 and 8 to a restaurant to get lunch one day. The waitress comes to take their order, and starts with the 5 year old. When she asks the 5 year old what he'll have, he says "I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger"
When the dad hears that, he reaches across the tab...

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(
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Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger?

Because he's dead.
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Old Biker

Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I...
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A man walks into a bar...

and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, Handjobs $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, “Can I get you something dear?” The man says “Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the han...
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A man walks into a bar

He walks in and sits down at the counter. He reads the menu on the wall and see’s:
Hot dog $1
Hamburger $5
Cheeseburger $6
Hand job $20

He asks the lady behind the bar to come here. When she does, he asks her if she is the one that gives the hand job. Smiling, she says yes she is....

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a sign on the wall that says, "Cheeseburgers - $5.00 Handjobs - $20.00." The man, extremely interested, checks his wallet to see if he has enough money, and calls the very attractive waitress over to him. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" he asks. Sh...

So a duck walks into a bank...

When he gets to the teller, he says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake."

The teller says "This is a bank. We don't serve food here." So he turns around and waddles out.

Next day he waits in line for the same teller. When he gets to the front, he says "I'll have a cheeseburge...
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I'm eating mostly whole foods lately

Whole pizzas, whole cheeseburgers, whole tubs of ice cream...
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The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...
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Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...
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A man goes into a fastfood resturant

He orders a cheeseburger and asks the server if it will be long



The cashier looks confused for a second and replies no. It will be round like all the others
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A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...

...

... "side of fries."

"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.

The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."
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Best drink specials

A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are shooting the shit when the topic of bars with the best drink specials comes up.

The Texan says, "I was at a bar the other night where every beer is 25 cents during happy hour."

The Californian says "Oh yeah, well this other bar I know offers...

A guy goes to a restaurant with an attitude.

The waiter comes over and says “what can I get you today” He said “listen here very carefully, I’d like a goood cheeseburger, not too rare not dry but right in the groove”

Anything else? the waiter asks. “Yes, I’d like some fries, not soft and not too crispy but right in the groove. Tell the...
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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

Code PANDA!

A rookie Secret Service agent is starting his first day at the White House.

"You picked a hell of a first day!" says his boss. "The President is moving out today, and we don't know how he's going to take it. If he starts munching down cheeseburgers, killing members of staff, and then walks ou...
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Beautiful Woman on 9 holes of Golf

After 9 Holes of Golf we Came to the Snack Shack.
There was a beautiful Young Woman behind the counter.

The Sign Behind Her Said

Hot Dogs - $5

Hamburgers- $10

HandJobs - $ 20

I walked up and asked
“Are you the one giving the HandJobs?”

In a very sexy...

What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.
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Two Mexican immigrants...

Two Mexican immigrants compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks, the Mexicans meet again at a Denny's.

The first Mexican makes his case by saying: "Every day I take my son to football practice and my daughter to cheerleading classes. I've rece...
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So this black bear walked into a restaurant...

So this black bear walks into a restaurant. Ok, wait, I know what you’re thinking, why’s it have to be a BLACK bear? Ok, fine, it was a brown bear... no wait... that still won’t work. Polar bear? Maybe a grizzly bear, though, I guess technically that’s still brown. You know what, it doesn’t matter. ...
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A man walks into a burger joint

He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads

-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-Handjob:$25.00

He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives handjobs?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Grea...
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Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.

The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting th...
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A hippie walks into a restaurant...

and the waitress comes up to take his order.

"Whaddya want?" she asks.

"Gimme a cheeseburger" he replies.

"How you want it cooked?"

"Oh, you know, not too rare, not too done, you know, in the groove!"

She dutifully writes it down, and asks "What...
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There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.
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