I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers

I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

​

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

​

"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help
you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whisper...

Rene Descartes goes to a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger.

The waiter says, "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Rene Descartes replies, "I think not," and ceases to exist.

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

If Trump doesn’t lay off the cheeseburgers...

He’ll be up to 6’5 by next year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What‘s the difference between a cheeseburger and anal?

The cheeseburger doesn‘t fart if you pull out the pickle.

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

Why is a cheeseburger better than eternal happiness?

1. Nothing is better than eternal happiness.
2. A cheeseburger is better than nothing.

QED

Why can't Jesus eat a cheeseburger?

Because he's dead.

What did the cheeseburger name her daughter?

Patty.

How do you smuggle a cheeseburger into prison?

Between 2 buns

Why did the cheeseburger fight the veggie burger?

It had beef.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a boner and a cheese burger

You're not giving me a cheeseburger right now.

Why do Rednecks love cheeseburgers?

Because they are in bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

(No- what?)

Want to get lunch sometime?

"I'll have a cheeseburger with a large coke," The blonde girl requested.

"Excuse me miss, this is a library."

^^"I'll ^^have ^^a ^^cheeseburger ^^with ^^a ^^large ^^coke," she whispered.

Hey ! This is the Library!

Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”

Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

A guy goes to a restaurant with an attitude.

The waiter comes over and says “what can I get you today” He said “listen here very carefully, I’d like a goood cheeseburger, not too rare not dry but right in the groove”

Anything else? the waiter asks. “Yes, I’d like some fries, not soft and not too crispy but right in the groove. Tell the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 19th hole.

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf
and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees
a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50...

A man goes into a fastfood resturant

He orders a cheeseburger and asks the server if it will be long



The cashier looks confused for a second and replies no. It will be round like all the others

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beautiful Woman on 9 holes of Golf

After 9 Holes of Golf we Came to the Snack Shack.
There was a beautiful Young Woman behind the counter.

The Sign Behind Her Said

Hot Dogs - $5

Hamburgers- $10

HandJobs - $ 20

I walked up and asked
“Are you the one giving the HandJobs?”

In a very sexy...

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My daughter asked me “Dad, where does poo come from?”

So I sat her down and said “See this cheeseburger? When I eat it, it goes down into my stomach. My body absorbs all the good stuff, and all the waste that’s left over travels down my large intestine and sits in my rectum until I sit on the toilet and push it out of my bum”

She goes quiet. Tea...

A man walks into a bar...

and on the menu he sees Hamburgers $5, Cheeseburgers $6, Handjobs $10. He walks up to the bar and a beautiful brunette comes to take his order. She seductively leans over the bar and asks the man, “Can I get you something dear?” The man says “Are you the one that makes the burgers and gives the han...

So a duck walks into a bank...

When he gets to the teller, he says "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake."

The teller says "This is a bank. We don't serve food here." So he turns around and waddles out.

Next day he waits in line for the same teller. When he gets to the front, he says "I'll have a cheeseburge...

There's a joke working its way around the White House recently...

...It eats cheeseburgers in bed and wants to build a wall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a burger joint...

He reads off the menu:

Hamburger $2.50
Cheeseburger $3.50
HandJobs $25.00

He walks up and whispers to the girl running the til; “are you the one who gives the $25 handjobs?”

The girl replies; “yes” , with a smile on her face.

“Okay, go wash y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

May I take your order

A divorced father takes his 2 boys, age 5 and 8 to a restaurant to get lunch one day. The waitress comes to take their order, and starts with the 5 year old. When she asks the 5 year old what he'll have, he says "I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger"
When the dad hears that, he reaches across the tab...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old biker rolls up to a bar..

And takes a seat. He checks out the menu which says:

Beer - 2$
Cheeseburger 3$
Hamburger 4$
HandJob 15$

Some time later a smoking hot blonde saunters up to him and he asks 'Are you the one that gives the handjobs?'

'Yes I am,' She replies

'Good, wash your fucking...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Father O’Mally has been preaching

at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Veg...

A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

...

Good joke to drop on most people.

A man walks into a bar and see's a sign that says:
Hamburgers - $1.00
Cheeseburgers - $2.00
Handjobs - $10.00

So the man approaches the blond, busty, beautiful bartender and says: "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She replies "I sure am, sugar!"

"Great. Wash you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

George W. Bush sets out to get some lunch.

He approaches the counter and in his determined southern drawl tells the girl there, "Hello, I'd like to order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke."

She replies, "Mr. President, I'm sorry but this isn't a restaurant. This is a library."

Bush realizes his mistake and prompt...

A blonde goes into a library.

She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign up behind the liquor display that says-

"Cheeseburger - $2
Chicken Sandwich - $3
Hand job - $10"

The man immediately looks around, and sees a smoking hot blonde bartender serving some drinks to a group of guys across the way. As she returns behind the bar the man leans over and quietly asks " Um excuse me, are you the one who...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best drink specials

A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are shooting the shit when the topic of bars with the best drink specials comes up.

The Texan says, "I was at a bar the other night where every beer is 25 cents during happy hour."

The Californian says "Oh yeah, well this other bar I know offers...

Two Mexican immigrants...

Two Mexican immigrants compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks, the Mexicans meet again at a Denny's.

The first Mexican makes his case by saying: "Every day I take my son to football practice and my daughter to cheerleading classes. I've rece...

Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...

A polar bear walks into a restaurant..

The polar bear tells the waitress,
"I'll have a Diet Coke, a double cheeseburger and a-"
...

...

... "side of fries."

"What's with the long pause!?" The waitress asked.

The polar bear replied,
"I was born with them."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant...

A guy walks into a restaurant and notices a sign on the wall that says, "Cheeseburgers - $5.00 Handjobs - $20.00." The man, extremely interested, checks his wallet to see if he has enough money, and calls the very attractive waitress over to him. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" he asks. Sh...

What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.

Meanwhile in a library

A blonde enters the library and asks the librarian: "2 cheeseburgers, fries and a diet cola, please! '
The librarian answers : "excuse me lady, but this is a library". The blonde asks the librarian to come a bit closer and whispers quietly: "2 cheeseburgers, fries and a diet cola, please..."

I made up a Stephen Wright joke.

I went to the drive-thru recently. The lady over the intercom asked what should could get for me. I told her I'd take a cheeseburger, medium french fries, and a large Coke. She told me I couldn't order that. I said, "Why not?". She said, "This is a bank."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Angel's Food vs. Devil's Food

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream ...

Three little pigs walk into a restaurant

They are seated at a table. After a few minutes to look at the menu, they decide to start with some appetizers. The waiter asks the pigs what they will have.

"I'll start with some chips and salsa," the first pig replies.
"I will begin with some mozzarella sticks," the second pig says. "Wat...

A hippie walks into a restaurant...

and the waitress comes up to take his order.

"Whaddya want?" she asks.

"Gimme a cheeseburger" he replies.

"How you want it cooked?"

"Oh, you know, not too rare, not too done, you know, in the groove!"

She dutifully writes it down, and asks "What...

The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The ostrich

A man and an ostrich pull up to a main-street pub in a brand-new ferrari. They park up and enter the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, some chips, and a pint of lager." The ostrich leans forward and says, "I'll have the same."

They finish eating and receive the bi...

So this black bear walked into a restaurant...

So this black bear walks into a restaurant. Ok, wait, I know what you’re thinking, why’s it have to be a BLACK bear? Ok, fine, it was a brown bear... no wait... that still won’t work. Polar bear? Maybe a grizzly bear, though, I guess technically that’s still brown. You know what, it doesn’t matter. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old, Russian

An old one...

Rambo Retard, the American, and Boris Bog, the Russian, are sitting in MacDonald's hamburger restaurant in Santa Fe, discussing communism.

"In America we have such freedom," claims Rambo Retard, stuffing his mouth with a cheeseburger. "For example, any man who wants to ca...

A man walks into a burger joint

He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads

-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-Handjob:$25.00

He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives handjobs?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Grea...

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane

Naturally they start chatting; as clergy, they have a lot in common.

After a while, the priest says to the rabbi, "Look, I know you guys aren't supposed to eat any pork or bacon or whatever, but... have you really *never* even tasted it?" And the rabbi admits that, well, he wasn't that relig...

Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.

The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting th...

Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, an...