A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

What’s an epileptic’s favorite meal?

Seizure Salad

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What meal do you make from a masturbating cow?

Beef Strokenoff

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day

What is a sassy cannibal's favourite meal?

Eyeroll.

What do cannibals eat between meals?

A snackrifice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some neighbours had just moved in to the house next-door so we invited them over to our house for a meal,

We were having a barbeque outside in the garden as it was a nice sunny day, and as the family had small kids we let the dog out to play.

I had been talking to the father, a really nice guy in his 40s, like me, when he told me that he actually worked as the professor of logic at the local uni...

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal

He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a millennial in 2019, I'm really appreciative for all the meals my mother cooked for me as a kid...

Because now whenever I eat ass it always reminds me of home.

What’s the best meal in North Korea?

Any meal

Give a Nigerian a Fish and he'll get a free meal for the day.

But if you teach a Nigerian to Phish he'll become a billionaire prince that wants to make you rich.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

A happy meal

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?

A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going for a meal

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatem...

What does a time traveller do after a meal

He goes back four seconds

What’s a lumberjacks favourite meal?

Plaid Thai

A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

What was the vampire’s last meal?

Stake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Gordon Ramsey say about the redditor’s meal?

It’s fucking r/aww

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mayor’s meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

Ready for a meal

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, sir" I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F*ck off you c*nt," He snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison canteen.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Captain Picard's least favorite type of meal?

A smorgasborg.

I cooked my first meal today... a steak for my dad.

“Well done,” he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Betsy makes a home cooked meal for her husband Bob

For their 30th wedding anniversary. She fixes every one of his favorites. Medium-rare steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice salad with homemade cheesecake for dessert.

After dinner Bob leans back feeling great and exclaims to Betsy “That was an amazing meal, honey! Had I known all these ye...

What is a Mexican Roosters' favorite meal?

Hen-chiladas

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

[Pelican family pay for meal with $100 notes]

WAITER: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

PA PELICAN: \[Dignified\] We're as God made us, Sir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave and a group of cannibals were going to have a meal...

They brought him to a room where a cooked body was. It had been sitting there for a while. One of the cannibals immediately took both hands, as he liked the taste of them. Two cannibals took a leg each. Another one took the head and so on...

Finally there was only one body part left. Dave eye...

Apparently Bill Cosby is getting pudding with his first meal in prison.

He's finally receiving his just desserts.

What do you call a pause between meals?

A food comma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

r/Jokes subscribers decide to make a meal. What is the main ingredient?

Copypasta.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(My piss poor attempt at political humor): What do you call a bunch of British politicians about to have a meal before resigning from their positions?

A full English Brexit

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

A cannibal vomits after his meal.

You really can't keep a good man down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My personal trainer told me to eat all of my meals naked in front of a mirror to help me eat less.

It didn't do anything for me, but boy were the other people in the restaurant pissed off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

Regardless of which meal i get at McDonalds...

they all taste like a #2.

During an Italian meal...

You pasta sauce around the table.

What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

What is a single person’s favorite meal?

A ba-lonely sandwich!

What is Lighting McQueen’s favourite Chinese meal?

KaChow Mein

My wife just had the best Mothers Day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.

Of course, she's in the hospital :(

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep...

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more p...

Jesus and Hitler both were tasked with making a meal for the poor

Jesus made 2,000 people fish and Hitler made 6 million people toast.

So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.

"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentle...

I had an Irish seven-course meal for St. Patrick’s Day

A six-pack of beer and a potato.

Two cannibals who haven't had a decent meal in some time catch a neighboring tribesman in the jungle.

After discussing how to keep things fair, they decide that one should start at the feet and the other at the head to make sure they get an equal amount.

A few minutes into the meal, the cannibal who started at the head asks, "How's it going down there?"

"I'm having a ball!" says the ot...

Woman sitting on death row. Executioner opens her cell door and says “It’s time. What do you want to eat for your last meal?”

Woman goes, “I don’t know, what do you want?”

The CEOS of Budweiser, Miller, Heineken and Guinness sit down for a meal...

The waitress comes by for a drink order, and each orders their own.
Budweiser CEO: “I’ll have a Bud”
Miller: “MGD for me”
Heineken: “I’ll have a Heineken”
Guinness: “Iced tea”

Everyone stares.

Guinness replies: “what? If you aren’t drinking beer, neither am I!”

What's Elon Musk's favorite meal of the day?

Launch.

What was Salvador Dalí’s favorite breakfast meal?

Surreal with milk

I fetched a pail of water and ate a whole KFC family meal to myself...

So that's two things I can cross off my bucket list.

I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

Please, Let me Buy you a Meal

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in fron...

I treat my women like a meal on a midsummer day

I eat them out

A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.

One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.

What did the skeleton say before they ate their meal?

Bone appetite.

(7 year old told me this today).

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.