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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

I went to McDonald's today and ordered a Happy Meal.

The guy asked me if I wanted a "boy toy"?
I smiled and said "Honey, you're too young to apply for that job"

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal?

A server error

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

What is an ogre's favorite meal?

Shrekfast.

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

What did Jesus say to his followers at his last meal ?

Don't cross me please.

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber!

What's a Demogorgon's favorite meal?

A BARB-eque

A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and i'm gonna go in then get that fish i'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.

What the bear didn't reali...

What's the car's favourite meal?

Brake-fast

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

What’s an epileptic’s favorite meal?

Seizure Salad

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What meal do you make from a masturbating cow?

Beef Strokenoff

What's an Irish seven course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

What do cannibals eat between meals?

A snackrifice.

Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal

He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A happy meal

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?

A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

What’s the best meal in North Korea?

Any meal

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My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

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As a millennial in 2019, I'm really appreciative for all the meals my mother cooked for me as a kid...

Because now whenever I eat ass it always reminds me of home.

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

What is a sassy cannibal's favourite meal?

Eyeroll.

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

Give a Nigerian a Fish and he'll get a free meal for the day.

But if you teach a Nigerian to Phish he'll become a billionaire prince that wants to make you rich.

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Going for a meal

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatem...

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What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

What does a time traveller do after a meal

He goes back four seconds

What’s a lumberjacks favourite meal?

Plaid Thai

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The Mayor’s meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

A Native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.

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What did Gordon Ramsey say about the redditor’s meal?

It’s fucking r/aww

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

Ready for a meal

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, sir" I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F*ck off you c*nt," He snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison canteen.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

Apparently Bill Cosby is getting pudding with his first meal in prison.

He's finally receiving his just desserts.

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What is Captain Picard's least favorite type of meal?

A smorgasborg.

I cooked my first meal today... a steak for my dad.

“Well done,” he said.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

What is a Mexican Roosters' favorite meal?

Hen-chiladas

[Pelican family pay for meal with $100 notes]

WAITER: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

PA PELICAN: \[Dignified\] We're as God made us, Sir

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

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Dave and a group of cannibals were going to have a meal...

They brought him to a room where a cooked body was. It had been sitting there for a while. One of the cannibals immediately took both hands, as he liked the taste of them. Two cannibals took a leg each. Another one took the head and so on...

Finally there was only one body part left. Dave eye...

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Betsy makes a home cooked meal for her husband Bob

For their 30th wedding anniversary. She fixes every one of his favorites. Medium-rare steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice salad with homemade cheesecake for dessert.

After dinner Bob leans back feeling great and exclaims to Betsy “That was an amazing meal, honey! Had I known all these ye...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

r/Jokes subscribers decide to make a meal. What is the main ingredient?

Copypasta.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

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My personal trainer told me to eat all of my meals naked in front of a mirror to help me eat less.

It didn't do anything for me, but boy were the other people in the restaurant pissed off.

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(My piss poor attempt at political humor): What do you call a bunch of British politicians about to have a meal before resigning from their positions?

A full English Brexit

What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

What is Lighting McQueen’s favourite Chinese meal?

KaChow Mein

A cannibal vomits after his meal.

You really can't keep a good man down...

Regardless of which meal i get at McDonalds...

they all taste like a #2.

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A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more p...

What is a single person’s favorite meal?

A ba-lonely sandwich!

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Jesus and Hitler both were tasked with making a meal for the poor

Jesus made 2,000 people fish and Hitler made 6 million people toast.

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

I was nice to my Indian waiter and he brought me a delicious meal...

Good korma.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep...

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and...

My wife just had the best Mothers Day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.

Of course, she's in the hospital :(

I had an Irish seven-course meal for St. Patrick’s Day

A six-pack of beer and a potato.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

Woman sitting on death row. Executioner opens her cell door and says “It’s time. What do you want to eat for your last meal?”

Woman goes, “I don’t know, what do you want?”

What was Salvador Dalí’s favorite breakfast meal?

Surreal with milk

Two cannibals who haven't had a decent meal in some time catch a neighboring tribesman in the jungle.

After discussing how to keep things fair, they decide that one should start at the feet and the other at the head to make sure they get an equal amount.

A few minutes into the meal, the cannibal who started at the head asks, "How's it going down there?"

"I'm having a ball!" says the ot...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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