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Meal Jokes

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

A man skipped church to go hunting...

A man skipped church to go hunting. While in the woods, he got chased by a bear and climbed a tree to get away. Unfortunately, the bear started climbing after him (as bears do). The man started to pray: "Lord, I know I should not have skipped church, but please make this a Christian bear!" Just the...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

An old couple goes out for lunch.

They order one burger, one small fry, and one drink. The man gets an extra cup and pours half of the drink into the other cup, gets a plastic knife and cuts the burger in half, and dumps out the fries and divides them.

I noticed and asked if they needed a few bucks to buy another meal. The o...

The Chili lover

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other ...

How do angels cook meals in heaven?

They put them in the Microwave on High

What do you call an artistic meal?

Craft Dinner

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

A man walks into a fish & chip shop to order the evening meal.

He asks for two cod & chips.

Owner: Apologies, we don’t have any cod.

Man: Ok… I’ll have two cod & chips then.

Owner (slightly irritated): Sorry, we haven’t got any cod, like I said.

Man: Sorry, sorry!… I’ll just have two cod & chips then.

Owner (now ir...

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Leo the Lion is enjoying his flight from Africa to LA. He opens up his meal, a freshly killed gazelle. The other passengers stare in abject horror as he tears into the carcass. The flight attendant discreetly comes over and says...

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stow your tray table and carrion."

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

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A man goes to Spain on vacation

While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal

The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"

The next day the man asks for t...

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

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A woman's birthday was in just a few days...

Her husband asked her if she could have anything she wanted on her birthday, no matter how impossible, what would it be?

The wife told him "It's kind of silly, but I'd really like to be six again."

That gave the husband a great idea for a big surprise. On the morning of her birthday, h...

Yo mama’s so fat

When she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar

The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food.

The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar.

The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The ba...

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you have to eat three squared meals a day.

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?

An arm and a leg

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

Did you hear about KFC's Easter promo, a free baby bird with purchase?

A moist owlet with every meal!

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

What’s the best meal to make for someone you’re breaking up with?

Dumplings

What's a seven-course meal in Alabama?

A possum and a six-pack.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

Planning meals in advance...

Now that's some food forethought.

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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what do woman and a McDonald's happy meal have in common?

They both can cum with a toy inside lol

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

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I sexually identify as a microwave meal...

I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

I love my job

I get to serve several meals each day

I meet tons of facinating people

I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.

God i love serving food in prison.

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

Love that Briskit

An old man is lying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden, he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.

“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”

A few minutes go by, and his grandson comes into his room.
...

A man has one day to live.

He’s lying in bed, dying. All of a sudden an amazing smell wafts across the bedroom. His wife had cooked his favorite, strawberry rhubarb pie.

He musters the strength to get to his feet, and slowly exits the bedroom and walks down the stairs, the sweet smell of pie growing ever stronger. He e...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

A vulture on an airplane.

Why doesn’t a vulture eat the in-flight airline meal?

It eats its carrion…

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

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A coworker comes into my office complaining about life…

He says more money will free him up to do more things.

I told my coworker, it’s all relative. My friend has reached a point in his life where he gets to…

work out 7 days a week.
Read more books than he’s ever thought of.
Only does volunteer work.
Has 3 meals prepped for him d...

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Specialty of the House

While visiting Madrid recently, I went to a restaurant that was highly recommended by some locals. When the waiter came to take my order, without even looking at the menu, I said that I will have the specialty of the house. The waiter paused for a moment and then asked me if I knew what that dish wa...

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals

One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"

The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"

Photos

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really del...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

So I arrived at the restaurant……………..

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
-"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
-"Good," he said.
And then added,
-"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7"

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

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Shame on you Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cass...

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

I once had 9 different dates, the first eight we went for a meal and on the ninth it was a film.

It went dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner…Batman.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

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