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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

Give a man a fish and he will have a meal,

Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.

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Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

He cried and his mom was pissed.

I needed to buy a new pan to stir fry a large meal

I decided to go for a wok.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be

“I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

What's a 7 course meal in Ireland?

A 6-pack of beer and a potato

Family at a restaurant after the meal

The kids left food on their plates so dad asked the waiter if they could take the leftovers for their dog. The kids: “Hooray! We are getting a dog!”

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

What’s a camels favourite meal?

Desert.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

Elder couple decided to have a meal in a restaurant together

While eating soup, wife spill some and get her blouse dirty. She says to her husband:
- Look at me. I look like a pig.
- Yes, and you also spilled some soup on yourself.

Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.

After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".

The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".

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Dinner with the dog

I remembered a joke from decades ago; hope it hasn't been here before:


A teenage boy brought his girlfriend to have dinner with the family for the first time. Just as everyone sits down, the girl lets out a little fart. Dad looks at the family dog, who is sitting between the boy and his...

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The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?

Five guys

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7, but that brings up the question, “why did 7 eat 9?”

Because you need 3 square meals a day

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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A guy is sitting alone at a restaurant eating his meal

A girl sitting at table next to him starts choking on her food. Everybody starts panicking and nobody is doing anything to help. The guy rushes towards the choking woman and pulls down her pants and starts licking her asshole. The woman is so shocked that she swallows the food stuck in her throat. T...

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Life is all a matter of perspective

For example, I know a guy who eats three square meals a day, reads two books a week, works out twice a day, has sex every week...and STILL he complains about being in prison!

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all.

Just a little food for thot.

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.' The doctor continued, 'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For d...

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

I was making a meal for a family dinner

But I accidentally burnt the food

When my family came to eat they said it was terrible

And I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”

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Five Hundred Bucks

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies a...

A Thanksgiving day tip

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

Did you hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a kid while in prison?

It was his last meal

Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal

He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

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If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief

Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...


Right???

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Free Meals

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes, "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

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John visited his 90-year old grandpa who lived way out in the country.

On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lu...

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half ...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals?

snackula

What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal?

Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn’t take it. I realize now...

That it was a Missed Steak.

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Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn...

But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.

A man asks his friend how to cook a gourmet meal as his family was coming over.

His American friend asks him to get three rams (A , B, C) and then put a gourd on each of the rams head in the kitchen and then see what happens .

He puts a gourd on ram A and nothing happens.

He puts a gourd on ram B and nothing happens.

As he puts the gourd on the third ram...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

What do you call a family meal?

Chicken and eggs

You know what a krakens favorite meal is?

Fish and ships

Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal?

IDK, force of hobbit I guess

What did the king say when he finished his meal at the Australian restaurant?

Check, mate.

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs?

Appawtizer

What did the awkward quark say to the diuranium after it said "enjoy your meal"?

Thanks, U2

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

A man’s last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
“What do you want your last meal to be?”

“Strawberries”he responds.

“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring”

“Eh. I’ll wait”

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

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A man wants to impress a girl, so he asks his friend to help him make a legendary meal.

His friend agrees, and they get the candle-lit table all set up. The man brings his girl in, pulls out her chair, then takes his seat. The friend then sweeps out, and presents... a bowl full of chicken drumsticks and a couple of glasses of milk.

The man is shocked, and makes a quick excuse be...

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole?

A Warren Buffet

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right.

I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..

It's chilli-con-carnage.

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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A young man got lost in a forest,

after wandering around for a long time, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost in this forest," said the man. "Can you let me stay in your house for the night?"

"Certainly," the old man said, "but on one conditio...

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the pan...

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I had just finished a delicious meal at my favorite restaurant.

I walked out to my car in the parking deck, but realized I had forgotten to ask the restaurant to validate my parking.

Being a cheapskate, I walked all the way back to the restaurant, just to save a few bucks. I walked up to the hostess and asked "could you please validate me?"

She re...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

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70% of Brits would rather eat a nice meal in a restaurant than have sex.

That's because they worry it might disturb the people at the next table.

Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..."

Poor people say "Ramen."

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A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal

He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.

A chick asked me for a meal

I told her i don't serve food.

My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

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First date

A girl was going on her first date, and before she went her mother said "Listen carefully: Boys are only after one thing, so whatever he asks you, always say NO!".

So they go to watch a movie, then off to a restaurant for a bite to eat. At the end of the meal, the boy says "Do you mind if we ...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ?

Lettuce Pray.

Sharing is caring...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He...

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

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A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

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If you have a meal on top of...

...the leader of the Nazis, does that mean you can say you Adolf Hitler?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex.

Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

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