I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

A panda walks into a bar, orders a meal and quietly eats it.

When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar.

The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and l...

What do you call a child's meal?

Childdish.

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlf...

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

What was Jeffery Dahmer’s last meal?

Five Guys

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

I was worried my meal at the German restaurant would go badly.

I was prepared for the Wurst.

There's only one superhero with the power to tackle a tough, frozen meal...

Leave it to Thor

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

I was trying to decide which is my favourite meal.

Breakfast is a good start, lunch is a bit middling, so at the end of the day it's probably dinner.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal?

A server error

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

What's the car's favourite meal?

Brake-fast

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

What's a Demogorgon's favorite meal?

A BARB-eque

A woman on death row was asked what she wanted for her last meal

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

What did Jesus say to his followers at his last meal ?

Don't cross me please.

Whats the only difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

What’s an epileptic’s favorite meal?

Seizure Salad

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I like my amputees like a good meal at KFC

Must have at least two breasts and a leg.

If a woman dies while cooking, the person who finds her will have a hot meal waiting for them

Them will also have what she was cooking.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

Give a homeless guy a meal he is happy for a day. Give a reddit user a joke.

They are happy for 4 years re-posting.

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

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What meal do you make from a masturbating cow?

Beef Strokenoff

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

6 was scared of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown...

With a gun

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. Do you know why seven eight nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

What's an Irish seven course meal?

A six pack and a potato.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

death row

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.


As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one w...

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's

One day, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's. The priest decides that he will order their meals while the Rabbi looks for a table. When the priest returns he hands the Rabbi a bacon cheeseburger. The next day the duo decide to go to McDonald's again but this time the Rabbi would ord...

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were on top of a water tower...

They were eating sack lunches. The brunette pulls his out and says “Damn, I’m tired of my family making me the same sandwiches everyday! If i have another one of these, I’m going to jump off of this water tower and kill myself!” The blonde and the redhead feel the same way because they too have the ...

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

I got called a peadophile today

Im 39 and my girlfriends 19, we are not bothered about the age gap but it’s horrible when your in a restaurant and someone called you a ‘peado’ and a child groomer when your trying to enjoy your meal.


Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

What do cannibals eat between meals?

A snackrifice.

Picked up a homeless girl today

She was just lying on the side of the road, cold and wet. So, being the good samaritan I am, I picked her up and popped her in the back of my car.

I took her home, bathed her, clothed her, and cooked us a lovely hot meal.

Then I took her to bed, and that's where things started to get a...

Dying me and popcorn.

[about to get the electric chair]

executioner: why would you choose this as your last meal

me: [eating another spoon full of unpopped popcorn kernels] you'll see

Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal

He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.

Her: What do you do? (Version 2.0)

**First Date at a restaurant**

Her: What do you do?

Me: (*Holds up menu*) You just choose a meal from this book of food

What is a sassy cannibal's favourite meal?

Eyeroll.

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My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

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Going for a meal

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatem...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

A happy meal

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?

A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

What’s the best meal in North Korea?

Any meal

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days

During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."



"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.



During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks "Are these plates cl...

My husband says I treat him like he’s a god

every meal is a burnt offering.

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she b...

A man looks across the restaurant and sees a beautiful woman...

He keeps stealing glances at her throughout his meal. Just as he is about to finish eating, the woman lets out a giant sneeze...and a huge POP sound echoes throughout the dining room. Seeing a blur, the man instinctively reaches out his hand and grabs something.

It's the woman's glass eye....

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What is one meal white people cook better than black people?

Father's day dinner.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

Give a Nigerian a Fish and he'll get a free meal for the day.

But if you teach a Nigerian to Phish he'll become a billionaire prince that wants to make you rich.

Yo Mamma's so ugly....

She ordered a Happy meal and made it cry

Happily Married

There is a couple who have been married for 30 years. Every Friday for dinner the husband would come home from work and the wife would serve him a huge bowl of chilli. One friday, the husband comes home with a colleague so the wife serves up two bowls. When the wife gets up to go to the kitchen, the...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

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What did Gordon Ramsey say about the redditor’s meal?

It’s fucking r/aww

A convent in a small Italian village ran out of seasoning as they were prepping meals for orphans.

One of the older nuns decided she'd quickly ride her bicycle through town to market and pick some up. As nuns do not travel alone, a younger sister accompanied her.

The streets seemed lined with more of the townspeople than usual on this day and while the nuns were at the market a boistero...

Little Johnny walked into a Bar

Little Johnny walked into a Bar and
aggressively shouted his order to the bar man,
”Please give me half chicken tandoori and then
give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton,
bcoz when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
Bar man processed his request and gave him
his
meal and everyon...

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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A guy walks in to a brothel and puts $1000 down on the table. He then says to the madame "I want your ugliest girl and macaroni and cheese."

The madame replies "for that kind of money, you can have one of our finest girls and a three course gourmet meal." The guy replies "Sorry honey, I'm not horny, just home sick."

I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big b...

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

What does a time traveller do after a meal

He goes back four seconds

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

The instructions on my microwave meal say "stir and recover"

How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

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The Mayor’s meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

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Listen darlin', I'm not horny

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my...

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.

Ready for a meal

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, sir" I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F*ck off you c*nt," He snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in a prison canteen.

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

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A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilly

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl." He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.
He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?" To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself." So he s...

Apparently Bill Cosby is getting pudding with his first meal in prison.

He's finally receiving his just desserts.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

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Betsy makes a home cooked meal for her husband Bob

For their 30th wedding anniversary. She fixes every one of his favorites. Medium-rare steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, a nice salad with homemade cheesecake for dessert.

After dinner Bob leans back feeling great and exclaims to Betsy “That was an amazing meal, honey! Had I known all these ye...

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My buddy went to the bull fights

My buddy returned from Spain a few days ago and was telling me about his trip. He said he went to the bull fights and later found the best Italian food he had ever had right outside the stadium. The pasta was fresh, the sauce was amazing, and the meatballs were the most tender and well seasoned he h...

I cooked my first meal today... a steak for my dad.

“Well done,” he said.

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What is Captain Picard's least favorite type of meal?

A smorgasborg.

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

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