UPJOKE
lunchdinnerfoodbreakfastsuppersnackbrunchsandwichfeastvegetabledishsouprepasteatingluncheon

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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

Give a man a fish and he will have a meal,

Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.



"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.



"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communica...

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I...

Went for a Chinese meal last night.

Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
So, the manager decided to dim sum.

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be

“I don’t know. What do you feel like?”

What meal kit deliver service does a cannibal use?

Hello flesh

I took my family out for an expensive meal the other night and surprised everyone by ordering in French.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

3 Meals A Day

Doctor: "My Dear, you looked thinner and fatigued than the last time I saw you.
Did you follow my instruction to take 3 MEALS a Day?"

Girl: "Oh my God Doc! I thought you said 3 MALES a day!"

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...

Revenge is a dish best served cold

A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

I needed to buy a new pan to stir fry a large meal

I decided to go for a wok.

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

What's a 7 course meal in Ireland?

A 6-pack of beer and a potato

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

An American asks a Frenchman: Why don’t the French say grace before their meal?

Because we can cook

If someone says they will make your favorite meal and then doesn't...

Does that make them a Crock-tease?

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What is a skeletons favorite food?

Bonemeal

What do you call somebody who comes between a cannibal and their meal?

An appetizer.

People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

Family at a restaurant after the meal

The kids left food on their plates so dad asked the waiter if they could take the leftovers for their dog. The kids: “Hooray! We are getting a dog!”

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

What’s a camels favourite meal?

Desert.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.

After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".

The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

Menu Joke

A couple walks into a local restaurant. They get seated and are reading the menu when they notice an amazing meal deal. So once the waitress comes over one of the couples asks can I ask you about the menu, please? To which the waitress responds the men I please is none of your business.

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

Elder couple decided to have a meal in a restaurant together

While eating soup, wife spill some and get her blouse dirty. She says to her husband:
- Look at me. I look like a pig.
- Yes, and you also spilled some soup on yourself.

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

The traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

What's an Irish seven course meal?

a six pack and a bag of chips

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal?

Five guys

What's the meal that the people at NASA usually skip?

Launch.

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

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The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

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A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish...

He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fi...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

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The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

What's a Wife Beaters favorite meal?

Battered Fish and Black Eyed Peas.

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

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If cooking one meal doesn’t make you a chief

Then sucking one dick shouldn’t make you gay...


Right???

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A guy is sitting alone at a restaurant eating his meal

A girl sitting at table next to him starts choking on her food. Everybody starts panicking and nobody is doing anything to help. The guy rushes towards the choking woman and pulls down her pants and starts licking her asshole. The woman is so shocked that she swallows the food stuck in her throat. T...

True story.

Two of my colleagues and I went to lunch with our manager and his manager who was visiting our office from out of town. We each ordered a beer with our meal and the manager's manager, who was a teetotaler unbeknownst to us, turned to our manager and asked if he knew we drank. Our Manager replied "...

Trucker stops at a diner to get some coffee...

Trucker stops at a diner to get some coffee. Looking around, he sees the only open seat was at the far end of the counter. He goes over and starts a conversation with the Farmhand next to him.

After a while, Farmhand gets up to leave saying "Ya know what, yer something else. I'm gonna go up ...

A man in Bulgaria drives trains

A man in Bulgaria drives trains for a living. He made decent money, enough to support himself. One day, he got tired while conducting and fell asleep. The train ended up crashing and killing one person aboard.

He went to court and pleaded guilty. The judge ordered Death by Electrocution. Late...

I was making a meal for a family dinner

But I accidentally burnt the food

When my family came to eat they said it was terrible

And I replied “At least the fire alarm thought it was fire”

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out to dinner.

When the time came to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

So this old man walked up to me…

I was walking home when the old man emerged from the shadows…
‘Sir,’ he said, ’could you please spare me of a meal? I’ve no money, I’ve no job, all I got in this world is a switchblade knife.

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

What's a blind child's favorite meal ?

Braille soup.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?

Grilled Chee-heese

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal

He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."

An atheist was hiking in the woods...

An atheist was hiking in the woods...

When suddenly a bear appeared. The atheist was scared out of his mind and started running, but he couldn't outrun the bear

Finally the atheist fell to his knees and did the one thing he thought he would never do: Pray

He fervently prayed "O...

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

A man's wife was heavily pregnant and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot(a meal made from snails)... Can you run down to the store and pick up some snails for me?"

The man dutifully agrees and...

an old joke told to me at school by my Latin teacher:

A man goes into a restaurant and orders dinner, then the wine waiter comes over.
"I'd like a bottle of Hock please"
"I beg you pardon, sir?"
"I said a bottle of Hock, you know, as in hic haec hoc"
"Very good sir"
The man eats his meal, but the wine never arrives, so he called the wine...

Why I am divorced [LONG]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Bi...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

A man is admitted to the hospital with an unknown, highly contagious disease.

Unable to figure out what it is, the doctors quarantine him until they can figure out what it.

At meal time, the man receives a piece of naan bread under the door. He thought that was strange, but nonetheless at it, as he was quite hungry.

At supper, a waffle is slid under the door. Ag...

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn’t take it. I realize now...

That it was a Missed Steak.

what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals?

snackula

What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal?

Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

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The accommodating wife

A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then send him drinking with his pals down the...

A man asks his friend how to cook a gourmet meal as his family was coming over.

His American friend asks him to get three rams (A , B, C) and then put a gourd on each of the rams head in the kitchen and then see what happens .

He puts a gourd on ram A and nothing happens.

He puts a gourd on ram B and nothing happens.

As he puts the gourd on the third ram...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

A man’s last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
“What do you want your last meal to be?”

“Strawberries”he responds.

“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring”

“Eh. I’ll wait”

What do you call a family meal?

Chicken and eggs

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

What did the awkward quark say to the diuranium after it said "enjoy your meal"?

Thanks, U2

What did the king say when he finished his meal at the Australian restaurant?

Check, mate.

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A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal?

IDK, force of hobbit I guess

Free Meals

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes, "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

3 Texans get married

First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day nothing but a couple of days later he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The second one marr...

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

My friend promised he would hide a key to my cell in the noodles of my final meal.

When the guard went away I looked but there was gnocchi.

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs?

Appawtizer

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Dinner with the dog

I remembered a joke from decades ago; hope it hasn't been here before:


A teenage boy brought his girlfriend to have dinner with the family for the first time. Just as everyone sits down, the girl lets out a little fart. Dad looks at the family dog, who is sitting between the boy and his...

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A man and a prostitute are sharing a meal

He gives her his peas. She gives him herpes.

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Good Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being taught at the local high school for senior boys, the young, attractive, first-year teacher asked, "If you were courting a well-educated girl from a prominent family and during dinner, you needed to use the bathroom, how would you properly excuse yourse...

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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