This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy...

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name is Randy.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

What two letters spell candy?

C and Y!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops e...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

In a world where you get what rhymes with your name... Candy for Mandy. Cats for Matt...

Poor Nick...

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

I remember back in the day I use to go to the store with $2 and come back with 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, a pack of starbursts, and a soda...

But nowadays they have cameras everywhere

A little boy was in a bus eating candy, and he kept going at it until...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?!"

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years."

The man asked ,
"Was it because he ate candy?"

The boy replied,
"No, he was always minding his own business!"

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

How do candy lovers laugh?

They snicker

What's DJ Khalid's favorite kind of candy bar?

A nutter one.

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also l...

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

Dear "cool kids"

They didnt name a candy after you did they?

Sincerely,
Nerds

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

I robbed a candy store.

I came out with 100 Grand.

What parasites do candy get?

What parasites do candy get?


-Gummy Worms

I brought cake and candy to my son's birthday celebration.

And that, officer, is why I told the hostess at Chuck E. Cheese's that I was the sugar daddy looking for my party boy.

Music is just like candy.

It’s good once you get rid of the rapper.

What do you call candy that makes you laugh?

LOLlies

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

What do you call being fired from a candy shop?

Sweet relief

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

Did you hear about the child laborers that died at the candy factory?

It was Haribo.

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...

...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.

"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."

Poof.

They are transported to a beautifu...

What do Jewish pedophiles say?

“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,


*"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will*
*give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."*


Little Johnny replied, *"My grandfather lived to be 107 years*
*old."*


The man asked, *...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

Jim has 125 candy bars. He eats 76 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes. Jim has diabetes

Why did the magician with a speech impediment buy a candy bar?

Because he wanted to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Whats the difference between Ornaments, Candy Canes, Myself, and the Star?

You don't hang the star

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy and Wife beach

Guy and his wife are on the beach. The guy kicks the sand and out pops a magic lamp. The wife grabs it and rubs it. A genie pops out and says to the women she gets 3 wishes.

So she looks at her husband and thinks of wishes for him.

"I wish I had a billion dollars"

The genie snap...

Where does the candy man keep his candy?

The candy man can.

I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Enjoying music is like eating candy.

The first thing you do is throw away the rapper.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who turned his sperm into candy?

He said the real joke is always in the cum mints.

What's the difference between candy corn and boogers?

Kids won't eat candy corn.

A young child is sitting on a park bench eating a huge bag of candy.

An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat so much candy, it's terrible for your health!"

The kid replies, "Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years old!"

"What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?"

"No," the kid says. "He minded his own goddamn business!"

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

I didn't have any candy at Halloween...

So I gave out my antidepressants.

It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me.

A candy's factory is on fire

A research team of a candy factory have just lately developed a new type of candy that should change the candy market as we know today forever.

One day, the factory is burning up. While the local firefighters arrive to the site, the CEO of the factory shouts "the brave men that will bring me ...

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."




Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter

He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

What do you call a candy store run by Isis?

The Allah Snackbar

What has Ferris wheels, cotton candy, and delicious fried food?

That's a fair question

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