who is the best candy (w)rapper?

Eminem!

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

Did you hear about the candy cane who could talk?

He said what he mint.

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

I found out what the devils favorite flavor of candy is.

It’s caramhell with a bit of sin a man.

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

What are Karen’s favorite candy?

Entitle-mints

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

What do you call a Greek who loves candy?

Popsicles

I ate some rainbow candy that I was a little concerned about;

I'm okay now; it passed with flying colors

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

What's Yoshi's favorite candy?

Rrring POP!

What do you call another word for Mars Candy filled with cinnamon?

A Cinnamon M&M Synonym

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...

Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"

Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"

Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"

"Oh no!" Little ...

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar?

*N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
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**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

1,200 candy corns will kill you!

Don't worry the world record is three!

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

What is Pennywise’s favorite candy?

Sour Patch Kids

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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Jake and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick her candy But Jack got a shock And a mouth full of cock

Cause Jill's real name is Andy

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

The plane turbine says to the candy...

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"

The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some hookers be like...

Don Pedro started his pimping business with two beautiful dames, Candy, a blonde and Lizza, a brunette.
Don Pedro, had chosen two corners opposite each other, so the girls could watch out for the other.
He took the girls to the busy intersection and told them they had best work hard or else. H...

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.




Edit:


Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

What two letters spell candy?

C and Y!

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing Trucker

A little boy is sitting on the curb in front of his house. His mother is watching him from the house. As she watches him, he reaches in his pocket, takes out some M&Ms, eats them, grabs the cat sitting next to him and bites its ear. Then he stands up, slides down the curb a little, and sits down...

What type of glasses do gingerbread man wear?

Eye Candy

Little Johnny hears a strange sound from his mother's bedroom.

He peeps around the door and sees her lying on her bed, rubbing low down on her stomach and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!"

A few days later she comes home with a strange man and a big bag of candy, and she gives the candy to Little Johnny with strict instructions to sit in front of the...

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

Music is just like candy

You throw away the rappers

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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There was this guy giving away candy for piss.

He always shouted "Urine for a treat!"

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

What is Luke Skywalker's favorite candy?

Blue milk duds.

How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle

Candy Bars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

Scientists have discovered a candy that can treat the symptoms of yeast infections in women

Liquorice

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

Did you hear that Jennifer Lopez started a campaign against dispenser candy?

It's called J Lo for No Pez.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother gets called in to school

A mother gets called in to school because her daughter got in trouble. The principal said she was caught in the bathroom eating candy. The mother told the principal to bring in her daughter. Another kid came it. The mother said it wasn't her daughter. The principal replied "That's Candy."

I robbed a candy store.

I came out with 100 Grand.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

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