I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

who is the best candy (w)rapper?

Eminem!

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

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A little boy on a park bench was scoffing candy bars.

An old man approached and said “Hey son, you know this isn’t good for you?”

The boy replied “what do you know? My grandad lived to be 105!”

The man said “And did he eat candy bars like this?”

“No.” The boy replied, “he minded his own fucking business.”

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Music is like candy...

It's great once you get rid of the rapper.

What's the most popular candy in Rwanda?

Tutsi Roll

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

What is a cannibal’s favorite candy?

Mentos

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

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My wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers for Christmas, so I did.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

What does candy do when you tell it a joke?

It Snickers.

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Joel Osteen is coming out with his own brand of candy bars.

They’re called Charlatan Chew.

Whats Marcie's favourite candy

A Peppermint Patty

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Grandpa goes out fishing with little Johnny

At the lake, he pulls a beer from the backpack and starts drinking.

**Little Johnny**: Can I have a sip grandpa?

**Grandpa**: can yo dick toch yo butthole? 

**Little Johnny**: Unfortunately, not yet

The next day, grandpa pulls out a cigarette

**Little Johnny**: Can...

There are two types of candy

The good ones,
and the ones dad eats

Driving

I was out driving on Halloween and I hit a cat, I think it was dressed like a cat. It could have been a piñata for all I know because there was candy everywhere.

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

What is Pennywise’s favorite candy?

Sour Patch Kids

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

I found out what the devils favorite flavor of candy is.

It’s caramhell with a bit of sin a man.

Why doesn't God like candy bars?

Because he doesn't exist!

Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...

Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"

Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"

Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"

"Oh no!" Little ...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

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Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

I got in trouble because of a commercial

I went to the store because I needed some milk. I got my milk, a pizza, french fries and a candy bar. I went to the self checkout , paid for my milk and started to leave.

A cashier stopped me and told me I hadn't paid for all my stuff.

I calmly pulled out my insurance card and told he...

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

I took my daughter trick or treating (dad joke)

I took my daughter trick or treating. After we received candy from the neighbor lady she says “you’re daughter looks so cute in that costume”. I smile and say “thank you”. She then asks if I made it. I say “yes”, but the costume is from Amazon.

What do you call a Greek who loves candy?

Popsicles

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

What do you call another word for Mars Candy filled with cinnamon?

A Cinnamon M&M Synonym

I ate some rainbow candy that I was a little concerned about;

I'm okay now; it passed with flying colors

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.

i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"

he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"


...

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

I was once in love with this girl named Candy, but I couldn’t date her

She was a total AirHead.

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They're all in mint condition.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar?

*N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

Do we even need Halloween anymore?

I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 14 months...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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My girlfriend always cheats on her diet.

She leaves candy around the house and fucks other guys

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

The plane turbine says to the candy...

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"

The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

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A young boy sits on a curb. With a cat.

As he sits he pops a candy in his mouth grabs the cat and bites it. Then he scoots over. A young pastor walking be asked Timmy what in the world are you doing ? Looking at the Pastor he smiles and proudly says Im playing Truck Driver. The pastor confused said I don't understand . Timmy says I'm popp...

How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.




Edit:


Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

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There was this guy giving away candy for piss.

He always shouted "Urine for a treat!"

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

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A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "O...

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

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