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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

Did you hear about the candy cane who could talk?

He said what he mint.

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar?

*N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

who is the best candy (w)rapper?

Eminem!

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

What’s a Zombies favorite candy?

Riesen

I ate some rainbow candy that I was a little concerned about;

I'm okay now; it passed with flying colors

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

I found out what the devils favorite flavor of candy is.

It’s caramhell with a bit of sin a man.

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

What is Pennywise’s favorite candy?

Sour Patch Kids

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick her candy

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock

Because Jill's real name was Randy

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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A blonde comes home from school munching on a candy bar...

Her mom asks her where she got it.

"I got it from Johnny! All I had to do was climb the flag pole at school!" she says.

"Oh, Jenny! You're such a dumb-ass. He was just trying to look up your skirt and see your panties!"

"Whoops!" Jenny says.

The next day she comes home,...

What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.




Edit:


Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

The plane turbine says to the candy...

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"

The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

How do you beat a diabetic rapper in a rap battle

Candy Bars

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

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Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating.

Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.



Britain was at the door.

Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

What two letters spell candy?

C and Y!

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

I saw a guy stealing candy machines out of a laundromat and yelled at him, "Why would you do that?!!"

He yelled back, "Jack nickels, son!!"

Music is just like candy

You throw away the rappers

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

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There was this guy giving away candy for piss.

He always shouted "Urine for a treat!"

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

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A mother gets called in to school

A mother gets called in to school because her daughter got in trouble. The principal said she was caught in the bathroom eating candy. The mother told the principal to bring in her daughter. Another kid came it. The mother said it wasn't her daughter. The principal replied "That's Candy."

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four mothers and their young children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He t...

Robert, caring child

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the...

What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...

The driver says "get in the car".

The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"

The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."

The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
...

In a certain country, there are specialized manufacturing villages

There are shoes village, candy village, light bulb village... Deeper in the mountains there are villages that even produce things like air conditioners or TVs.
But the most rural one is the remote village.

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

What is Luke Skywalker's favorite candy?

Blue milk duds.

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his gra...

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

I robbed a candy store.

I came out with 100 Grand.

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stripper got an abortion

It was like taking baby from a Candy

What is a neckbeards favorite candy?

*tips fedora*

M's and M's

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

Did you hear that Jennifer Lopez started a campaign against dispenser candy?

It's called J Lo for No Pez.

Three mothers

Are with their children at a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second ...

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

What do you call candy that makes you laugh?

LOLlies

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

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