Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

How does candy laugh?

It snickers

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They’re all in mint condition.

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy...

...But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cuz Jill's real name was Randy.

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

Anybody try the new ‘Zero’ candy-bar yet?

They’re saying it’s like nothing you’ve ever had before.

I never knew that you could collect candy

Until I found one in mint condition

Candy

You can’t spell candy without *c and y*

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Music is just like candy

You throw away the rappers

What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

Scientists have discovered a candy that can treat the symptoms of yeast infections in women

Liquorice

In a world where you get what rhymes with your name... Candy for Mandy. Cats for Matt...

Poor Nick...

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

A little boy was in a bus eating candy, and he kept going at it until...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth?!"

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years."

The man asked ,
"Was it because he ate candy?"

The boy replied,
"No, he was always minding his own business!"

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

What's DJ Khalid's favorite kind of candy bar?

A nutter one.

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also l...

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

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Johnny's walking home fifth grade when a white van pulls up. The driver says, "Hey kid, you come in this van with me I'll give you a piece of candy..."

Johnny says, "Shit mister... you give me the whole bag, I'll come in your face."

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

I robbed a candy store.

I came out with 100 Grand.

Dear "cool kids"

They didnt name a candy after you did they?

Sincerely,
Nerds

What do you call candy that makes you laugh?

LOLlies

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By ea...

What do Jewish pedophiles say?

“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

Music is just like candy.

It’s good once you get rid of the rapper.

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

What parasites do candy get?

What parasites do candy get?


-Gummy Worms

I brought cake and candy to my son's birthday celebration.

And that, officer, is why I told the hostess at Chuck E. Cheese's that I was the sugar daddy looking for my party boy.

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How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

So a pirate captain walked into my candy shop the other day...

And he asks me for a gumdrop. I say to him "Why would you want gum that's been dropped?"

"Sir," I say, "Wouldn't you rather have a candy fish?"

He says, "Candy fish? Is it sweet?"

And I say "Well... it's Swedish."

So now, the captain is so angry that he makes we walk the ...

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

What do you call being fired from a candy shop?

Sweet relief

Did you hear about the child laborers that died at the candy factory?

It was Haribo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

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A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...

...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.

"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."

Poof.

They are transported to a beautifu...

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,


*"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will*
*give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."*


Little Johnny replied, *"My grandfather lived to be 107 years*
*old."*


The man asked, *...

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

Did you know that buying really old candy cost a lot of money?

Especially when they are in mint condition

Whats the difference between Ornaments, Candy Canes, Myself, and the Star?

You don't hang the star

Jim has 125 candy bars. He eats 76 of them. What does he have now?

Diabetes. Jim has diabetes

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

Why did the magician with a speech impediment buy a candy bar?

Because he wanted to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

Where does the candy man keep his candy?

The candy man can.

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who turned his sperm into candy?

He said the real joke is always in the cum mints.

I didn't have any candy at Halloween...

So I gave out my antidepressants.

It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

A candy's factory is on fire

A research team of a candy factory have just lately developed a new type of candy that should change the candy market as we know today forever.

One day, the factory is burning up. While the local firefighters arrive to the site, the CEO of the factory shouts "the brave men that will bring me ...

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