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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

who is the best candy (w)rapper?

Eminem!

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

What are Karen’s favorite candy?

Entitle-mints

There are two types of candy

The good ones,
and the ones dad eats

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

Guys, stop making jokes about Eminem and the candy M and M's

He's just a wrapper

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Music is like candy...

It's great once you get rid of the rapper.

Whats Marcie's favourite candy

A Peppermint Patty

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

Joel Osteen is coming out with his own brand of candy bars.

They’re called Charlatan Chew.

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

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A therapy support group session.

A psychiatrist was conducting a therapy support group session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mother and s...

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

I found out what the devils favorite flavor of candy is.

It’s caramhell with a bit of sin a man.

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

What does candy do when you tell it a joke?

It Snickers.

What do you call a Greek who loves candy?

Popsicles

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

What's Yoshi's favorite candy?

Rrring POP!

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

Did you hear about the candy cane who could talk?

He said what he mint.

I ate some rainbow candy that I was a little concerned about;

I'm okay now; it passed with flying colors

What is Pennywise’s favorite candy?

Sour Patch Kids

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist

They said it wasn’t fair

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...

Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"

Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"

Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"

"Oh no!" Little ...

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar?

*N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

What do you call another word for Mars Candy filled with cinnamon?

A Cinnamon M&M Synonym

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Teacher's birthday

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She l...

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They're all in mint condition.

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

1,200 candy corns will kill you!

Don't worry the world record is three!

Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?

Diabetes.

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

I was once in love with this girl named Candy, but I couldn’t date her

She was a total AirHead.

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Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

What do you call a priest in a candy shop?

A scout

The plane turbine says to the candy...

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"

The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

A man and a woman are standing in line at a grocery store.

And in the woman’s cart, she’s got one apple, one pear, one can of soup, one candy bar, one little one serving of ice cream. The guy behind her says, “You’re single, aren’t you?” The woman looks at her cart and says, “How did you know?” He says, “Because you’re ugly as f**k.”

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

What two letters spell candy?

C and Y!

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.




Edit:


Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

Extra: Aussie man reprimanded by judge for eating candy and nuts in her courtroom.

Defense: "c'mon Judy, lighten up.. it's just my trial mix"

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy

A snack

As we were heading through the grocery store checkout, my wife looked over at the candy and said, "Oh, Mentos! Let's get some!" I shrugged and said, "I already have Mentos." Puzzled, she asked, "Really? Where?"

"On my men feet!"

What’s a girl with a foot fetish’s favorite candy?

Mentos

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

What do you call the chewy candy that tastes like a mongoose and kills snakes?

Riki Tiki Taffy

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this guy giving away candy for piss.

He always shouted "Urine for a treat!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...

But bricks are free if you look hard enough and you can get everything, from every vending machine!

Edit 1: price

Edit 2: price again

When I walk into an Apple store, I feel like a kid in a candy shop.

I can’t afford anything in there.

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Ive been going through all this Halloween candy, and i have some bad news.

No drugs.

So my grandpa told me a story...

He told me that back in his day, he would walk into the store with a nickel, and come out with 4 cans of soda, 2 king sized candy bars, and a pack of gum.

But today there are too many damn cameras!

When I was a kid, I'd ask my dad if I could have a couple pieces of candy.

If he said yes, I'd ask if a couple could mean three or four. Usually he'd say yes to get me out of his hair.



Guess that explains why my parents' marriage didn't last.

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

Told my doctor I ate nothing but candy edibles for a month

Turns out I have highiabetes

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

Why is halloween candy so similar to anti-vax kids?

Because both dont last very long

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