UPJOKE
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I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

who is the best candy (w)rapper?

Eminem!

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

What kind of candy do you offer a woman with a foot fetish?

Mentos

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Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.

An old lady comes up to johnny "are you really going to eat all that?" The lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag. "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"

"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.

"No, by minding his own fucking bu...

Halloween candy

Halloween was over. All the trick or treaters came and went. Some got candies. Some got confused when we said "trick" and sprayed them with water.

A couple of hours later while we were taking the candy bag inside, a 12 year old came dressed in all red.

Naturally, I told him that Hall...

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

What is the funniest candy of all?

A LOL-lipop.

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies “1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?”

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

Music is like candy.

It's all pretty sweet you just need to throw away the wrappers..

Australia just had it's first convention for candy.

Their slogan is "Lollycons; Enjoyed by little girls and boys alike"

Kathy's New Job

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for...

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store?

Turns out some sucker got licked.

Did you hear about the candy maker who was seeing double?

His mind was playing Twix on him.

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

Candy shop

Three boys walk into a candy shop and walk up to the counter. "What can I get you boys?" The shopkeep asks the first boy. "I'd like a dime's worth of jelly beans!" Well, it just so happened that the jellybeans were at the top shelf! So the shopkeeper got out his ladder, climbed up, got the jellybean...

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The only candy I'll eat is Reese's peanut butter cups.

I'm a Reecist.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

What is a tooth’s favorite candy?

Gum

Guy walks into a store...

Guy walks into a store and asks the clerk, "Where's the alcohol?"

Clerk replies, "I'm sorry, this is a candy store."

Guy pleads, "Do you have any candy with alcohol in it?"

Clerk walks down an aisle and returns with a bag.

Guy looks at the bag and says, "This isn't quite ...

What's Dracula's favourite alcoholic drink and candy combo?

Red vines

What was Jeffrey Dahmers favourite candy?

Mentos

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."



The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."


"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.


"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

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A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

What did the candy bar say when you asked for their pronouns?

Her/she

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

[OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy.

And, buy gum, it worked!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

which is the most feminine candy?

it's Hershey!

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

Why Jesus doesn't come back

An extraterrestrial landed his flying saucer in a man's back yard. The man came out and the two started talking. Eventually, the man asked the extraterrestrial if they knew about Jesus on his planet.


"Oh, yes," said the alien. "We know Jesus very well. In fact, he visits our world e...

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

“Young man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!”

The boy...

I don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to strangers homes and ask for candy.

But I go driving around in my van offering kids candy, I get reported to the police!

I checked my kids candy for drugs...

No luck this year either.

What's the most popular candy in Rwanda?

Tutsi Roll

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

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A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "O...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy. Her mother asks her, "Where did you get that candy!?"

"Little Johnny paid me five dollars to climb the flagpole at school!" she laughed. "So I bought candy!"

"You friggin' idiot!" her mom says. "He was just try...

One time I saw my baby brother SCREAMING at his Easter candy.

I was like what’s going on? And he says,

“I’m giving shout-outs to my Peeps!”

What’s a robot’s favorite candy?

A ‘Wall-E’pop

What is Pennywise’s favorite candy?

Sour Patch Kids

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

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What's a bisexuality favorite candy bar?

What's a bisexual's favorite candy bar?

Mounds and Almond joy, because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.

Whats Marcie's favourite candy

A Peppermint Patty

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why...

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Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

What's Yoshi's favorite candy?

Rrring POP!

There are two types of candy

The good ones,
and the ones dad eats

What's a Rabbi's favourite candy?

Jew-jubes.




Edit:


Sorry if that's a repost, I haven't seen it and I think I just thought of it

Why do Scandinavian kids visit candy stores the most?

Because it’s really Sweden there.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

What do you call a fire at a candy factory in Paris?

A Bon-bonfire.

How does candy laugh?

It snickers

What do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?

A measure-mint device.

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

So a candy pirate walks into my candy shop...

He walks up to the counter and asks for a gumdrop, so I ask him, "Why would you want gum that's been dropped? But in all seriousness, we are out of gumdrops."

So he asks what else we have here. I tell him,

"We have candy fish."

He says, "Candy fish? Are they sweet?"

I rep...

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

I found out what the devils favorite flavor of candy is.

It’s caramhell with a bit of sin a man.

Where does the candy man keep his candy?

The candy man can.

Guys, stop making jokes about Eminem and the candy M and M's

He's just a wrapper

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What did Sid Vicious say to the candy maker?

Piss off Wonka!

1,200 candy corns will kill you!

Don't worry the world record is three!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

Two kids went to a candy shop

And bought candy. The moment they began to have the candy, they started laughing. Why?
.
.
.
They were having LOLipop.

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...

Joel Osteen is coming out with his own brand of candy bars.

They’re called Charlatan Chew.

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Lifesavers: the candy with the little hole

The teacher distributes the candy to the children and they begin to identify the flavors by their color and taste.

Red is cherry, yellow is pineapple, green is watermelon, orange is orange.

The teacher gives them all honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. Th...

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

What do you call a fish stuffed with candy?

A fiñata.


^I’m ^sorry

What do you call a Greek who loves candy?

Popsicles

The plane turbine says to the candy...

"What kind of music do you listen to?"

The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"

The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

What is Luke Skywalker's favorite candy?

Blue milk duds.

I know a guy who collects candy canes...

...they are all in mint condition.

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy?

A jolly rancher.

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

A kid got ran over passing out candy at a parade...

He got his tootsie rolled

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By ea...

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

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Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

I ate some rainbow candy that I was a little concerned about;

I'm okay now; it passed with flying colors

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

What’s the difference between me and candy

People like candy

What kind of boat has candy in the middle?

A pinYACHTa

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

What's something long and hard that you suck on

A candy cane!

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Why doesn't God like candy bars?

Because he doesn't exist!

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