What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

I once bought a box of animal crackers

It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away.

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

What's a phoenix's favorite snack?

Fire crackers

Dad, we're out of crackers.

Him: I guess you could say we're crackalacking.

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz~

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

When I started dating my girlfriend I was worried about telling her I had addiction, I used to eat dry crackers all day long

It was hard to swallow but she stood by me and helped me through it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

Bewar this chinese takeaway

Hate to do this about a family run restaurant, but feel you deserve to know. ** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from this place (we won't name them while its being investigated) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought ...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

what do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

they both come on little white crackers

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

What do you call a group of angry white guys?

Saltine Crackers

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