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Crackers Jokes

After visiting the US and the UK, Taco Ockerse sent a bed made of crackers to Russia.

He wanted Putin on the Ritz.

"Got any crackers?"

asked the duck of the bartender.

The bartender replies "No, get out of here!"

The duck returns after a few minutes and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender yells "No! If you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your beak shut!"

The duck returns in a half hour. "Got any ...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

What did the crackers say to Dave Chappelle?

I’m Ritz Bits!

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A fly hovers above a lake.

A fly hovers six inches above a lake. A fish, just underneath the surface, thinks "If that fly drops six inches, I can jump up and eat the fly."

Meanwhile, a nearby bear thinks "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and I can eat the fish."

Meanwhile, a hunter in the...

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

What do journalists like to find inside their Christmas crackers?

A pull-it surprise.

Animal Crackers

Please do not eat if the seal is broken.

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

I had lots of cheese but no crackers...

I was cracka-lackin.

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

What do you call 2 crackers arguing?

White noise.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

Why didn't the pirate chessplayer enjoy his crackers?

Because they were stale, matey!

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

What do you call a horse who likes crackers?

Seatriscuit

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

the servers were in such a hurry to set up the hors d'oeuvre tray that they forgot the crackers

they were cracka lackin

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New company mergers

(I marked it NSFW because of the last one - not sure if it's considered NSFW, so just to be safe...)

For all of you with any money, be aware of these expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business S...

What do you call it when the Russian president sits on a box of crackers?

Putin on the Ritz~

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

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Why did the boy look at each and every one of the animal crackers?

Because his mother told him not to eat them if the "seal" was broken.

Credits to my school principal

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4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?...

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

We are making our own xmas crackers for the family gathering this year. Got any good jokes we can put in them?

Jokes as in "why did the chicken cross the road" not as in "live wasps".

When I started dating my girlfriend I was worried about telling her I had addiction, I used to eat dry crackers all day long

It was hard to swallow but she stood by me and helped me through it

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

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Mummy Mummy

What's daddy doing with his Penis in the biscuit tin?

I don't know son, he must be fucking crackers

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue.

Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

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Confucius say...

Man who stick dick in biscuit tin is fucking crackers

This is a joke my very Catholic grandma used to tell me: A little boy was walking past the church when he dropped his snack of crackers and cheddar in a puddle...

Angry at his misfortune, he loudly cursed, "Jesus Christ, God Almighty!!" The priest overheard and exclaimed, "What did you say, young man? You know it's a great sin to take the Lord's name in vain!" The little boy looked around frantically and responded, "Umm, I said my cheese and crackers got all ...

Logic.

In class I learned:
Nothing is better than ice cream to eat on a hot summers day.
I also learned that if stranded on a desert island and you have crackers then at least they're better than nothing.
My professor then pointed out that crackers are better than ice cream and he logically prove...

My wife lied about being vegan

She ate animal crackers.

So a duck walks into a hardware store...

Duck: Got any quackers?

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a hardware store. We don't sell crackers.

So the duck leaves and comes back again the next day

Duck: Got any quackers?

Clerk: Sorry sir, like I told you yesterday, this is a hardware store, we don't sell crackers.
...

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

The world is an oyster

Much nicer on crackers

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In the middle of the woods, there is a fly hovering over a lake...

In the lake, there is a fish. The fish sees the fly and says to itself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches, I could jump up and eat him!"

By the lake there is a bear. The bear sees the fly and the bear sees the fish and says to itself, "If that fly were to come down about 4 inches,...

What is served at a Trump rally?

White whine and salty crackers!!

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when a fly drops 6 inches...

One day there was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake, a fish sitting below the water waiting for the fly to drop so he could eat it, a bear watching the fish and waiting for the fish to come up to the surface to he could eat it, a hunter sitting and eating crackers waiting for the bear to move so h...

Jesus was obviously white.

He even tastes like crackers!

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