There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

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What is the one phrase you will never hear Guy Fieri say on Diners , Drive-Ins and Dives?

This tastes like crap.

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.

This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.

The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.

The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.

The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exi...

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Italian brothers garage

These two Italian brothers own a garage. They hire this Korean guy as a mechanic.
One morning the brothers go to open the garage and they find the Korean guy dead in the alley. They call the police.

Cop: What was his full name?

Tony: I don't know. We called him Park.

Cop: Jus...

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

The diner

So a hungry traveling salesman finally finds a diner open in the middle of the night. The diner doesn't look too great, but what choice does he have?

The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good either. He figures he'd better not take any chances, so he orders two hamburgers and a h...

Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

A man walks into a diner and orders a coffee without cream.

A moment later, the waitress returns and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

A man goes into a diner.

He sits down at the counter and the waitress comes up to hand him a menu and asks if he would like anything to drink. He refuses and goes to look at the menu. At the other end of the counter is a man with a bowl of chili in frint of him, the man is resting his head on his hands and doesnt look too g...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner...

And all of them are happily sat there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

“Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his fingers on the table.

John is the first to speak up...

What is the cannibal King's favorite joke during diner ?

"There's a heir in my soup !"

A man walks into a diner

A man walks into a diner and walks over to the counter, he asks for an esspresso but the waiter replies that they dont serve esspresos at this diner. The man goes ballistic about him needing a fast to wake up and he needs to go to work now. He demands that they make him a fresh pot right now and the...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, “Will it be long?”

The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”

An Old Friend........

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch, when he noticed an old friend of his who was also dining there.

What really caught the farmer’s attention, was that his friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew that his old friend was a fairly conservative fellow, so he was really cu...

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “A...

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A man walks into a diner and orders a hamburger

The waitress pulls out a hamburger patty from the freezer and puts it under her armpit.

The man asks "what the hell are you doing?". She responds, "I am defrosting it"

The guy sitting next to him says "I'LL TAKE THE HOT DOG!"

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner

After giving them some time, the waitress comes and asks if they are ready to order.

Bill goes, "Yes, I'd like to have a quickie please."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the menu."

Al Gore leans over...

The Diner

A little old lady goes to a diner and sits at the counter and orders a hamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. ...

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An elderly couple was having dinner at the diner where they had their first date.

The husband said, "it's so nice to be back here after all these years."

"Yes," agreed the wife, "do you remember our first date here 50 years ago?"

"How could I forget?" Answered the husband, "you took me behind that building there across the street and let me put you up against the fe...

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

Why did the Flash leave that greasy diner so quickly?

Because he got a bad case of the runs!

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

A blind guy walks in a diner...

He sits down at a table and the owner comes up to him.
"Hello sir, goodevening would you like to see a menu or do you know what you want?"
To which the man replies," I'm sorry I'm blind but I'll tell you what, bring me a dirty fork from for recommended plate."
Confused, but interested th...

A guy walks into a diner on the side of the road

The place is really old and messy, but he was hungry from the road so he sat at the table and ordered spaghetti with meatballs.

After a while the waitress gives him the order, and he saw a bunch of thick hairs on some of the meatballs.

He calls the waitress "Hey miss, there are a bunch...

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

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An elderly couple is sitting in a diner...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a s...

What did the diner waitress say to Attila?

"More coffee, Hun?"

A man walks into a diner, and orders eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, served on a hubcap.

The waiter, perplexed, asks him why. He responds:

“There’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise...”

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeles...

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

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A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

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Trump and Pence go stop at a local diner for breakfast.

The waitress greets the two and says, "What will it be today?"

Pence looks up from the menu and says, "I'll have two eggs, bacon, rye, and a coffee. Thank you."

The waitress scribbles on her notepad and turns to Trump, "and for you, Mr. President?"

Trump smiles at the waitress a...

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

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In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

A diner ordered the chicken parmesan at a restaurant

Waiter: "Actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir ."

Diner: "No parm, no fowl."

How did they know the panda robbed the diner?

Because a panda eats shoots and leaves

Just last week I saw a friend of mine and his wife at the local restaurant. He is 47 and his wife is 19. Other diners were making rude comments about them, giving them dirty looks.

It totally ruined their 7th wedding anniversary dinner.

A man walks into a diner. Sign says...

Cheese Sandwich - $3
Handjob - $10

"What a great deal," he thinks.

He calls out to the waitress behind the counter, "Are you the lady that gives the handjobs?!"

She replies, with a smile and a wink, "Well, yes I am, and just how can I help you?"

To which he answers, "...

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While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.

They turn around to see a lady turning blue.


The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.

He asks, "Can you breathe?" She shakes her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asks. She again shakes her head no.


With that, he helps her to her feet, ...

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A man walks into a small diner, carrying a huge cat under his arm...

he puts down the cat and orders twenty hamburgers and ten bottles of beer.
He recieves the hamburgers, feeding them to the cat, which swallows them within a few minutes, then he downs all the beer, not even flinching once, puts his hand in his pocket taking out a large ammount of money and slammi...

An old man was eating in a truck stop

when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before join...

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

One fine day, down at the local diner.

A waitress taking the breakfast order of a mother and her young son is startled when the little boy looks up at her and growls in a low, deep voice:

**"I want to consume the flesh of swine, and the unborn."**

His mother shakes her head, sighs, and says, "Bacon and eggs. He want...

A gentleman orders a spinach omelette at a diner.

He asks his waitress if she had some hollendaise sauce to go along with his omelette, she said "I sure do, and I'll even bring it on our special chrome dishes."

He was confused a bit, but he didn't say anything. A few minutes later he got his omelette and sure enough, it was on a dish made en...

An old man orders a chicken from the diner...

The irascible old gentleman had ordered a chicken from the menu, but when he got it, he wasn’t satisfied.

“Waiter!” he yelled. “Bring a charge of dynamite and a hatchet and a double steam power jackhammer—that’s the only way I can carve this bird!”

The waiter was desolate. “Very sorry,...

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

An old English gentleman walks into a diner in the USA

He sees the clients are either truckers or bikers and the place is a mess and has way more clients than they should, he sits down, asks for the menu and sees a large colorful print:

"Buy a meal and get a handjob from the coo For 10$!"

He walks into the kitchen and sees a gorgeous blon...

Two guys go into a diner...

The waitress comes up and says, "What'll ya have."
The first man says, I'll have a hamburger.
The waitress lifts one arm, pulls a patty out of her armpit, lifts the arm and pulls a bun out of the other armpit.
She turns to the second guy, "What'll you have?"
The second guy says, "I was t...

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A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee...

When the waitress sets the cup down in front of him, he notices that she's holding the cup in such a way that her thumb is literally *in* the liquid. Disgusted, but not wanting to cause a scene, he politely asks for a different cup and doesn't point out her faux pas. The waitress looks at him curiou...

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Two men are sitting having coffee in a diner. One of them goes to buy lottery tickets...

Two men are sitting in the diner, having their usual morning coffee.

“Well, I’m off to buy some lottery tickets” says the first guy.

“No.” Says the second man. “You shouldn’t buy lottery tickets!”

“And why not?” asks the first guy.

“Well let me put it this way” the second...

I wanted my leftovers in a to-go box, but the diner was out of them.

Foiled again.

So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.

"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentle...

How is the government in 2018 like a diner?

No substitutions!

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A blind man walks into a diner...

...and sits down in a booth. The waitress walks up and asks him for his order, and he simply requests a dirty fork from the kitchen. Reluctantly, the waitress brings him the fork, and the blind man promptly puts the fork in his mouth to taste it.
"Mmm... pork chops. Delicious. I'll have the por...

An Australian man sits down in an American diner

And orders a cup of coffee. The waiter comes back and hands the man his drink. He takes a drink and calls the waiter back.

“Is something the matter?” Says the waiter.

“Yes,” said the man. “I ordered a coffee, but I got a cup of hazelnut creamer.”

“I’m sorry for the mix up sir...

So a pregnant woman walks into a diner.

A pregnant woman walks into a diner, and the server says:

"Hi there, are ya hungry?"

The fetus replies:

"Nah, I gestate."

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An snobby woman stops at a local diner while traveling...

and orders a coffee. Trying to start a conversation, the waitress asks, "So, where are you from?"
"Where I am from, we do not end sentences with prepositions." the woman replies.
The waitress apologizes and tries again, "So, where are you from, Bitch?"

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Last night at an Indian diner the server walks up to me and asks "Curry Ok Sir?"

I said "Alright, just one song and then you can fuck off".

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

A man goes into a white supremacist diner..

He orders "2 eggs over easy."
The waiter brought out just egg whites.
"Where is the rest of my food?" Asked the patron
The waiter replied "Whites only in my diner! This is no yoke!"

A man goes to a diner and orders chili...

The waiter tells the man that unfortunately the woman sitting at the table behind him got the last one.

The man looks back and sees that the chili has not been touched at all. So he asks the woman, "Are you going to finish that?"

The woman goes, "No, you can have it if you want."
<...

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A trucker walks into a diner and orders a sandwich.

After a few minutes he gets his order and starts eating quietly, bothering nobody.

Three bikers enter the diner and the smallest one walks over to the trucker's table and picks up his sandwich and takes a big, drooling bite. The whole time he chews he just stares down, mean and ugly, at the t...

A blonde is at the diner

A blonde is at a diner and when the waitress comes to take the order, the blonde reads the name tag out loud:

'Debbie, how sweet.... what do you call the other one?'

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A starving man walks into a busy diner...

He sees one empty seat near the counter and quickly sits down. The man next to him is passed out and looks sickly, but there is a steaming bowl of oatmeal sitting next to him, untouched.

After 10 minutes no one has even brought the man water, let alone taken his order, so he sneakily slides t...

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The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye.

When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.

A man walked in to a diner

He sat down and ordered bacon, eggs, toast, and a coffee. The waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve toast here."
He got up and said "well if you don't serve toast, I must leave at once."
He was lack-toast intolerant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the ...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

Guy sits down at a diner

He is looking at the menu deciding what he wants when the person next to him orders a double cheeseburger. The waitress takes the order and pulls two frozen burger patties from the freezer. She sticks one under each armpit.

The guy asks what she is doing. She shrugs and says "defrosting th...

The cleaning lady

True story: My friend Peter owns a diner. He was delighted to have a nice middled aged couple regularly come to his place once a week to eat.

But then the couple didn’t show up for a month. Finally the husband showed up but was by himself. He looked like a wreck.

Peter asked the guy i...

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

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Arthritis Thumbs

*This is a story a co-worker told me.*

A man walks into a diner, he orders Roast Beef with mashed potatoes and gravy.

*The worker there walks out with his thumb in the mashed potatoes.*



Customer: Why's your thumb in the Gravy?

Worker: Oh, I'm sorry, would you like...

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

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Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

Going out to dinner

Joe and Kamala went to a diner to get a bite to eat. A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your order?"

Biden says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

She turns a little red and say, "Sir, with you running for president I don't think you should even be suggesting something l...

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again ...

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A man is driving through Hartford, CT

he sees a bunch of orange traffic cones toppled over and strewn all over the road. It's not an isolated incident either. Everywhere in the city traffic cones are in utter disarray, like the construction crews just didn't give a shit and threw them anywhere, causing mayhem with the traffic

At ...

Longtime Friends - Priest and a Rabbi (LONG)

Every Tuesday for the last 25 years a priest and a rabbi have met at the local diner to have lunch and kvetch about things.


This day, while eating lunch and waxing philosophical, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks him, "We've known each other for over 25 years. All this time I'm cu...

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

Truck driver

So, a truck driver stops at a diner for a cup of coffee, a piece of pie, and a chat with the waitress one evening. Everything’s going fine until a biker gang turns up. They park and come inside, looking for some action. It’s just the truck driver and the waitress, so they start in on the truck drive...

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

A couple we’re having dinner at a restaurant

One of them finds a hair in the steak and calls the waiter to say:
“Waiter there’s a hair in my steak!”
The waiter nods and says “That’s because the chef uses his armpits to mash the meat”
“That’s disgusting” says the indignant diner
To which the waiter replies “You should see how he ma...

Guy walks into a bar...

Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

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Have you heard of the parable of the long spoons? It goes something like this:

A man was once taken on a tour of hell and was surprised by what he saw: All hell’s inhabitants sat at long tables in a dining room, spoons in their hands, the best smelling and best looking food to have ever graced a dining room filled the air with an exquisite aroma.

But all the diners’ arm...

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

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