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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?

You don’t know? Wanna go to lunch?
(Sorry if this is a repost, I looked and haven’t seen it posted before.)

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

A sandwich walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "sorry, we dont serve food here."

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

What's a whales favorite sandwich?

Krilled cheese

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp?

A megabyte.

Ham Sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever ea...

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

What do you get when you eat a sandwich in bed?

Bedcrumbs

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his submarine sandwich?

There goes my hero.

How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela?

Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tre...

I told my friend how i once ate 17 pork sandwiches.

he said i was full of baloney.

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500$ Grilled Cheese Sandwich

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my...

Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?" The librarian admonishes him, "Sir! This is a library." He replies...

"Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* "

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

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Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

With jam in

What did the nirvana fan say to the sandwich shop guy?

Make me one with everything.

...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?

**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

What does the highest paid WNBA player make?

Sandwiches

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

Never ask a dominant woman to make you a sandwich

Because she’ll make you a sub

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did.

I still don't know where she found bread that was his size.

Horse Whip Sandwich Spread

Mix horseradish and Miracle Whip together to make a kicking sandwich spread. I call it Horse Whip and you can put it on most anything!

I'm going to hell

When I'm at hospitals I put half eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands, to give their family hope....

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

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There was a fly above a river

A fish sees the fly and thinks "If it comes down about 3 inches lower I can jump up and eat it". A bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks "if the that fly goes a few more inches lower, the fish will jump to get it and I can snag the fish in the air". A hunter who's been tracking the bear for some...

What did the cannibal say while eating an Alabama man sandwich?

"I like my people inbread."

What do you call a sandwich you haven’t made yet?

A plannedwich.

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

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The secret code

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!"

"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"

Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato to...

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I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off, go get your own."

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were on top of a water tower...

They were eating sack lunches. The brunette pulls his out and says “Damn, I’m tired of my family making me the same sandwiches everyday! If i have another one of these, I’m going to jump off of this water tower and kill myself!” The blonde and the redhead feel the same way because they too have the ...

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

My sandwich doesn’t cry when I bite it.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

4 guys were in a car when it ran out of gas

The driver new a quick way to the nearest gas station by cutting throught the woods. About half way there they stop to take a break and one of them whips out bottles of water for everyone to drink. The second gives everyone a piece of his left over sandwich and the third guy says
"I brought the ...

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

Once a monk went to a sandwich seller and said,

"Make me one with all."

Two lawyers walk into a pub

They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball?

A sand wedge.

What do you call a "Sloppy Joe" sandwich made of venison?

Sloppy Doe.

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A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.

One day the owner asks him, "Why don't yo...

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

Becomes

Jane ate her friend's colon.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whoops, wrong sub.

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich and goes to the register.

"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.

The blonde tries to use the chip on her card, but it doesn't work.

So she tries it again, and still nothing.

Finally she tries to swipe and it does nothing.
...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

I had a Cuban sandwich for lunch today

Just tasted like pork

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

Where do fast food places get those square fish for the filet-o-fish sandwiches?

From the asquarium.

Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into an expensive restaurant and ordered two waters. They sat down, took sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite upset and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged thei...

I went to subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "no problem"
I turned to my wife and said "now, how hard was that?"

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

Did you hear about the sandwich shop that just opened up in India?

It's a new deli.

Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

Damnnn girl, are you a sandwich?

Cause you lookin in-bread

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