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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

A sandwich walks in to a bar and order a beer

And bartender says: "We don't serve food"

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I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off. Get your own!"

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

I told my GF to make me a sandwich

... making it with just my left hand is harder than it seems...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

whats the difference between a joke and a sandwich?

you cant repost a sandwich

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

What kind of sandwich does a fish like to eat?

A “gilled” cheese.

I’m sorry. But a joke is a joke.

Every time I go to my favorite restaurant I order the club sandwich.

I've been doing this for years and I'm not even a member.

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

What's the typographer's favourite sandwich filling?

Kerned beef

How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?

It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant!

I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

What is Jonathan joestars favorite sandwich?

Hamon whole wheat.

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

Ham Sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever ea...

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What's a whales favorite sandwich?

Krilled cheese

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his submarine sandwich?

There goes my hero.

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp?

A megabyte.

What did the nirvana fan say to the sandwich shop guy?

Make me one with everything.

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela?

Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons.

What do you get when you eat a sandwich in bed?

Bedcrumbs

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

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Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

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Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tre...

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

I told my friend how i once ate 17 pork sandwiches.

he said i was full of baloney.

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500$ Grilled Cheese Sandwich

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my...

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?" The librarian admonishes him, "Sir! This is a library." He replies...

"Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* "

...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?

**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

With jam in

Horse Whip Sandwich Spread

Mix horseradish and Miracle Whip together to make a kicking sandwich spread. I call it Horse Whip and you can put it on most anything!

Never ask a dominant woman to make you a sandwich

Because she’ll make you a sub

What did the cannibal say while eating an Alabama man sandwich?

"I like my people inbread."

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

I decided to change my diet; I’m starting to eat hot poultry sandwiches.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

Dad, make me a sandwich.

Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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An Australian, Englishman and a Irishman sit down for lunch.

They all pullout there lunch a vegimite sandwich for the Australian, soup for the Englishman and a patato for the Irishman. They all sigh and say 'if I have this for lunch one more time I'm going to kill myself!'

The next day the all have the same thing and they all follow through with there ...

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

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A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.

One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops...

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

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Some jokes never get old... (Not mine)

Some jokes just NEVER get old LMAO

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to ...

I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...

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There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

What do you call a sandwich you haven’t made yet?

A plannedwich.

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

My sandwich doesn’t cry when I bite it.

I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did.

I still don't know where she found bread that was his size.

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.


What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fl...

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

I was making too many puns in r/sandwiches...

the mods had to banh mi

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he wa...

What did Jesus say to the disciples when he resurrected?

Please stop staring and pass me the fish sandwich, it's been 3 days and I'm starving.

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A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.

One day the owner asks him, "Why don't yo...

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball?

A sand wedge.

Once a monk went to a sandwich seller and said,

"Make me one with all."

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

What do you call a "Sloppy Joe" sandwich made of venison?

Sloppy Doe.

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches

She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(

I had a Cuban sandwich for lunch today

Just tasted like pork

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