Never ask a dominant woman to make you a sandwich

Because she’ll make you a sub

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer,

The bartender says, sorry, we don't serve food here.

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

Social Justice Warriors Favorite Sandwich:

Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato

My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:

Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have t...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli

My bad, wrong sub

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

A woman asked on yahoo answers "What is a good comeback when a guy tells me to GO MAKE A SANDWICH?"

Apparently, "Well, You better comeback with a goddamn sandwich" wasn't an appropriate answer.

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help
you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whisper...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Did you hear about the sandwich shop that just opened up in India?

It's a new deli.

TIFU by ordering a 6-inch sandwich instead of a footlong.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

My friend said the sandwich he was eating was solid

I told him if it was a liquid it wouldn't be a sandwich

What do you call a "Sloppy Joe" sandwich made of venison?

Sloppy Doe.

What do rednecks and sandwich meat have in common?

They are both inbred.

How did the pilot like his sandwich?

Plane

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sandwich between two other sandwiches

A McGangBang

What is a herbivore’s favorite sandwich?

A trees-burger!

Damnnn girl, are you a sandwich?

Cause you lookin in-bread

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. (Long)

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certa...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had 3 bitches making me sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp

That is why I like Subway

I tripped on the way to the sandwich shop near my house.

r/SubsYouFellFor

I went to subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "no problem"
I turned to my wife and said "now, how hard was that?"

What's the difference between a disappointed sandwich shop customer and Soviet Russia?

One couldn't get pastrami, the other couldn't get past the Saami.

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

If earth was a sandwich

The entire population would be in bread.

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

I grew up in the small town of Sandwich...

Born and bread.

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

What's the most popular sandwich at cafes in Jurassic Park?

Dr. Hammond cheese

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.

One day the owner asks him, "Why don't yo...

What’s a poor person’s favorite sandwich?

A plebeian J.

The server at the sandwich shop said that every sandwich comes with a free pickle.

I said, “That’s a really good dill.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is a lot like eating a shit sandwich...

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

What is the most dramatic type of Sandwich?

Ham.

What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

Why did the scientist try to genetically sequence his chicken sandwich?

He wanted to make it crispr.

What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face?

Too close for comfort food.

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich?

It's stale, mate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.

He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.

He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am."...

A homeless man asked me if he could get fifty cents for a sandwich.

I told him, “I don’t know, let me see the sandwich.”

What do they do when I'm being disruptive at the Vietnamese sandwich shop?

Banh mi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Computing Sandwich

A relative walks into my kitchen

As I have my sandwich, he stares intently, and asks if he is able to get a bite of my sandwich.

With some annoyance, I set aside 2 nibbles, on a white porcelain plate.

He glares at me, obviously dissatisfied at the portion that was provided.
<...

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scientist brings a sandwich to life by feeding it prunes and bran for 3 days. He then hears its first words...

This sub is going to shit.

“Mommy, can you make me a sandwich?”

“First, you can make you your own freaking sandwich. And second, you don’t have to call me 'Mommy' just because I’m sleeping with your father.”

“But, but ... what should I call you?”

“Thomas is fine.”

I recently opened a combination sandwich shop/mini golf course

I thought it was a good idea, but the reviews said the experience was sub-par

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"

The p...

When making a sandwich for a giant

Don't forget the pickle, it's a big dill.

In 1st grade music, a student told me a joke he just thought up: What kind of sandwich is made out of a leg?

A below-knee sandwich

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.

After eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and leaves.

Next day, the headlines read *Panda eats shoots and leaves!*

What is the preferred sandwich of the working class? [OC]

A plebian-J.

I've heard that people in the South think everything is better in sandwich form.

Those inbreds.

“Mommy, could you please make me a sandwich?”

“Don’t call me “mommy” just because I slept with your father!”

“So what am I supposed to call you?”

“Just call me Steve, like everybody else.”

If your dad is a chemist, never ask him to make you a Pb&j sandwich.

Pretty sure I have lead poisoning now.

What's Ice Cubes least favorite sandwich?

A melt

What is R. Kelly's favorite sandwich?

P&BJ