A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

A Turkey sandwich walked into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here."

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Here is why you should never trust a sandwich

They are full of baloney

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

What the ham sandwich?

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"


The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."


The priest then asks, ...

(This is a popular joke where I'm from). A boy boards a bus with a sandwich in his hand.

The bus driver says: " hey, this ain't a restaurant, kid!"

The boy replies: "I know. That's why I brought my own food."

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

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Life is like a shit sandwich......

the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

What's better than a tuna sandwich?

A three-na sandwich

What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich?

Disagree-dients

What do my life and my sandwich have in common

They both fall apart right in front of my eyes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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Sandwich

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The young...

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?

2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

Is a hot dog a sandwich or a sub?

It’s just a hot dog. No bun intended.

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“Whats the Difference between a blowjob and a turkey sandwich?”

“Im not sure”

“We should get lunch sometime!”

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich

The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?"

Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to c...

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

Analogies are like ham sandwiches.

I am currently making one.

A girl was at the store getting a sandwich and some chips and the guy at the checkout asked "do you want to go for a drink?"

To which she says "I'm flattered but I have a boyfriend"

And the guy replied "No. It's part of the meal deal"

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

What do conspiracy theorists and sandwiches have in common?

They're both full of baloney.

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off. Get your own!"

I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.

I thought to myself...

“This sub has gone downhill”.

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

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A biker ...

Walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – 2.99

Cheeseburger – 3.99

Chicken Sandwich – 4.99

Hand Job – 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks ...

Vaginas are like sandwiches.

If I see pieces of cucumber inside one, I immediately back away.

What do you call a newborn sandwich?

A crossbread.

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...

Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

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Two lawyers walk into a restaurant.

They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases.

"Sorry," the waitress says, "You can`t eat your own food here."

The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

what did the Redditor say after eating an expired sandwich?

you know, this sub tastes kinda funny

Typical

An engineer is having is lunch. It is a beautiful day so he takes his brown bag lunch outside to the fountain beside the office.

He sits on the edge and is about to tuck into his sandwich when a frog hops out of the fountain and says to him "Hello! Thank goodness you're here. I am a beauti...

Why does sandwich meat have webbed fingers?

Because it's in bread.

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

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i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

I hate when people smoke in the porta potties at my job

It makes it hard to enjoy my sandwich

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

Me, on the phone: I have a complaint. Every time I make a sandwich, it’s always too dry.

Guy on the other end: Sir, that’s not what we do at the Mayo Clinic.

Every time I go to my favorite restaurant I order the club sandwich.

I've been doing this for years and I'm not even a member.

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

A Voyage to Italy

A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomo...

A guy at work takes out his lunchbag and looks inside

He sighs and says "a tuna sandwich again? I'm getting tired of this."

The next day during the lunch break he takes out his lunch bag, opens it, looks inside and again he sighs, saying "every single day for lunch, a tuna sandwich. I really can't take it anymore."

His friend says to him ...

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The Fish and The Fly (Long)

Out in the woods one day there’s a Fish watching a fly. Fish is thinking to himself man if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna jump up out of that water and get me a tasty dinner.

Now there’s a bear watching the fish watching the fly. Bear says man if that fly drops six inches I’m gonna get me...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

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Couple doing 69 NSFW

A married couple are doing 69 when they hear a knock on the door. The husband looks outside and sees it's only the paperboy and returns to the bed. The paperboy knocks again. The husband gets pissed off and puts on his robe. Before he leaves the room his wife notices that she has started her period ...

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What do you call a sandwich with Hitler in the middle?

Gluten tag.

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

I don't understand why a sandwich is more expensive the more ingredients there are.

Shouldn't pure bread be more expensive?

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

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A nun comes to visit

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers, and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked...

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches"

Where?

"1 o'clock"

1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

Man walks into a bar.

He buys a beer from a rather beautiful bar maid, she asks him if he would like any food? He has a glance at the menu above the bar.

Pie and beans $5.00
Sandwich $4.00
Hand job $10.00

He asks the bar maid, "are you the one giving the hand jobs?". She giggles and winks at the man,...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

Dumb blond male.

There are three construction workers, a Mexican, an African American & a blond Caucasian. When lunch time comes, the construction workers are sitting on a steel beam 30 stories high about to enjoy their food.

The blond opens his lunchbox and is angered to find yet another bologna &...

Where do terrorists buy their sandwiches?

An Infidehli.

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street

A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, “are you an orphan?”

The kid replies, “yes I am. What gave me away?”

The guy says, “obviously, your parents”

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

What kind of sandwich does a fish like to eat?

A “gilled” cheese.

I’m sorry. But a joke is a joke.

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A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.

One day the owner asks him, "Why don't yo...

I told my GF to make me a sandwich

... making it with just my left hand is harder than it seems...

My high school bully still takes my lunch money.

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

I was in a cafe the other day...

And I saw an unusual item on the menu: a duck sandwich. And I thought, how sad...

Finally the duck is surrounded by bread, but in no position to enjoy it

(Credit to the one and only Karl Chandler)

Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant!

I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?

It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.

What did the nirvana fan say to the sandwich shop guy?

Make me one with everything.

What is reddit's favorite sandwich

Subs

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The story of the fly and the cat (NSFW)

A fly is hovering six inches above a lake. What the fly doesn't know is there's a fish watching him, and the fish says "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got me a pretty good meal".

What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear watching him and that bear says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish g...

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

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