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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

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Somebody took my sandwich so I decided to cum in the next one I made

Anyways, I lost my job at the cafeteria

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.

I thought to myself...

“This sub has gone downhill”.

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grilled cheese sandwiches.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my f...

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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Life is like a shit sandwich

The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

What do you call a newborn sandwich?

A crossbread.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

What do you call an Alabama family in a sandwich?

Inbred

Why does sandwich meat have webbed fingers?

Because it's in bread.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

Man 1: “I love sandwiches!” Man 2: “Me too. By the way, I heard you just bought a horse! What did you name it?” Man 1: “Mayo.” Man 2: “Mayo? Why Mayo?”

Man 1: “Because he neighs.”

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

I don't understand why a sandwich is more expensive the more ingredients there are.

Shouldn't pure bread be more expensive?

Vaginas are like sandwiches.

If I see pieces of cucumber inside one, I immediately back away.

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...

Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.

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I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off. Get your own!"

Why doesn’t Bob Marley eat PB&J sandwiches?

Because he’s more of a jam man.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches

Me, on the phone: I have a complaint. Every time I make a sandwich, it’s always too dry.

Guy on the other end: Sir, that’s not what we do at the Mayo Clinic.

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What do you call a sandwich with Hitler in the middle?

Gluten tag.

"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches"

Where?

"1 o'clock"

1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

When I was young my mother would wake up early to remove the crusts from my sandwiches....

.... She really hated me, she knew they were my favourite part.

I left my sandwich in the elevator at work.

I wanted to take my lunch to the next level

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

I told my GF to make me a sandwich

... making it with just my left hand is harder than it seems...

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

An Irish, a Mexican and an American were having lunch on a scaffold on the 15th floor of a building construction.

Irish opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Colcannon again! If I have colcannon for lunch tomorrow I will jump off this scaffold"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried "Burritos as usual! If I have burritos one more time I will jump off too."

The American opened his lunch box and s...

An armed panda bear and a scientist walk into a bar.

The panda orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the scientist, and walks out of the bar.

The scientist explains while dying: “a panda bear eats chutes and leaves”

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Politely asking

I love how in scary movies the person yells out 'Hello?' As if the killer is going to be like " yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

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Moral of the Story

There was this fish, just swimming up the river. He looks up, notices a fly. Fish thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inches, I can have myself a tasty little meal.

On the riverbank, there’s a bear. He notices the fish, and the fly. He thinks to himself, man, if that fly drops 6 inch...

whats the difference between a joke and a sandwich?

you cant repost a sandwich

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The New Owner

A rich man bought a failing factory, and decided he was going to turn it around himself.

The first day the new owner grabs the factory foreman, and tells him he’s going to get some real progress out of these lazy workers. They walk out onto the factory floor and see a young man lounging up ...

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

Every time I go to my favorite restaurant I order the club sandwich.

I've been doing this for years and I'm not even a member.

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

What kind of sandwich does a fish like to eat?

A “gilled” cheese.

I’m sorry. But a joke is a joke.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

A joke from my nephew... so please be kind.

How many types of witches are there? 3

A good witch, a bad witch, and a sandwich.

(My nephew is 24, and yes, we're all a little worried about him. He's not developmentally disabled or anything. He's just....?)

Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches. Wife: Ok just throw them out.

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase : Look I'm as suprised as you are

I'm addicted to Boxing Day sandwiches.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant!

I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”

A chemist walks into a bar and orders a Pb&J sandwich.

He dies of lead poisoning.

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?

It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

There are 3 guys in prison...

The guard asks the first guy how high he can jump. 1 meter he awnsers. Okay says the guard you get 1 sandwich.

#

The guard goes to next prisoner and asks how high the man can jump. 2 meters he says. Okay says the guard you get 2 sandwiches.

#

The third guy who was listeni...

"A few pennies, sir?" asked the homeless man.

I looked into his guitar case and said, "I'll pass, mate. There's not even enough for a sandwich in there! But thanks, anyway"

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I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie’s sandwich.

I ate Julie’s colon.

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

What is reddit's favorite sandwich

Subs

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

Ham Sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever ea...

What did the nirvana fan say to the sandwich shop guy?

Make me one with everything.

All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names on..

Today I ate a sandwich called Kevin.

If I add Quac to a Bacon-Lettuce Tomato Sandwich...

Does that make it an LGBT?

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

I love bacon sandwiches cut into little triangles...

Strip clubs are awesome!

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

What's a whales favorite sandwich?

Krilled cheese

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Brutus”

Brutus: “This is an unusual paper size for a t...

What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp?

A megabyte.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

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Heard this a while ago, just wanted to share it with y’all

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The young...

How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela?

Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons.

What do you get when you eat a sandwich in bed?

Bedcrumbs

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down

For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. 

The first man says to the last man: “I’m bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And i...

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Guy Fieri walks into a dive bar/restaurant after a long day of filming.

The menu board lists:

$5 Grilled Cheese Sandwich

$10 Growler of Beer

$25 Handjob

$50 Blowjob

The gorgeous bartender sees him at the bar and seductively asks what he'd like to order. Guy asks her if she is the woman performing the handjobs and blowjobs, to which s...

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tre...

What did the sandwich say to the doorman?

Lettuce in.

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?

**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

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