Two lawyers walk into a pub

They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred...

I'm assuming that means like in a sandwich or something.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great ...

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

Man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Hey! Can I get a chicken sandwich?" The librarian admonishes him, "Sir! This is a library." He replies...

"Oh sorry, *^one ^chicken ^sandwich ^please!* "

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500$ Grilled Cheese Sandwich

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my...

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Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you got, the less shit you eat.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?

**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

Horse Whip Sandwich Spread

Mix horseradish and Miracle Whip together to make a kicking sandwich spread. I call it Horse Whip and you can put it on most anything!

Never ask a dominant woman to make you a sandwich

Because she’ll make you a sub

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

What state are the interior ingredients of a sandwich from?

Alabama, because they're in bread.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar

The bartender says, sorry we don’t serve food.

I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did.

I still don't know where she found bread that was his size.

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

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I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off, go get your own."

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

What did the cannibal say while eating an Alabama man sandwich?

"I like my people inbread."

What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball?

A sand wedge.

What do you call a sandwich you haven’t made yet?

A plannedwich.

Once a monk went to a sandwich seller and said,

"Make me one with all."

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

I keep ordering things that aren’t on the menu at this Vietnamese Sandwich Shop...

The lady behind the counter said: “If you keep doing that you’re gonna get in trouble!”

I replied: “Whadya gonna do...Bahn Mi?!”

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

My sandwich doesn’t cry when I bite it.

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

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A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: Handjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2

He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,

“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said. “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

TIFU: By eating my boss' sandwich

Edit: Sorry, wrong sub.

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

I had a Cuban sandwich for lunch today

Just tasted like pork

What do you call a "Sloppy Joe" sandwich made of venison?

Sloppy Doe.

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:

Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have t...

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

TIFU by ordering a 6-inch sandwich instead of a footlong.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

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A man walks into a sandwich shop

He asks for a BLT on rye, pays for it and leaves. The next week he does the same and the week after that as well. Years go by and the man still comes for his weekly sandwich and is now a recognized face at the restaurant and is a friend of the owner.

One day the owner asks him, "Why don't yo...

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

Damnnn girl, are you a sandwich?

Cause you lookin in-bread

My friend said the sandwich he was eating was solid

I told him if it was a liquid it wouldn't be a sandwich

Did you hear about the sandwich shop that just opened up in India?

It's a new deli.

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

I asked my chemist father for a PB and J sandwich

But all I got was lead poisoning

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Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

James Bond orders a sandwich

James Bond goes to a deli and orders a club sandwich.

The employee says to him, "Mr. Bond, we have ham or turkey. How would you like it?"

Bond replies, "bacon, not bird."

I went to subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "no problem"
I turned to my wife and said "now, how hard was that?"

What is a herbivore’s favorite sandwich?

A trees-burger!

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

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So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

I specifically asked for no mayo on my sandwich.

What the Hellman

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

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I had 3 bitches making me sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp

That is why I like Subway

What’s a poor person’s favorite sandwich?

A plebeian J.

What’s the worst jelly to put on your sandwich?

Traffic Jam

**My daughter read me this from her Gogurt wrapper. My answer was Toe Jam.

I tripped on the way to the sandwich shop near my house.

r/SubsYouFellFor

I grew up in the small town of Sandwich...

Born and bread.

What do you put on a lonely grilled cheese sandwich?

Provalone

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