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Seeing Jokes

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could ...

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone

It’s either terrible news or great news

I told my girlfriend I wanted to start seeing other people

It's really hard to close my eyes whenever someone else comes into view. Plus it makes driving really dangerous.

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?"

She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man with a seeing eye dog crosses a busy street.

The dog leads him across the street with complete disregard for the traffic. Several cars barely miss the blind man, and drivers are honking their horns at the man. The blind man finally gets to the other side of the street and a man comes up to him and exclaims,

"That's the worst seei...

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

I was seeing this girl and we were making out on her sofa, she said I think we should take this upstairs.......

I said ok you get that end, I'll get this end and we'll come back downstairs for the cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

After seeing the price of insurance these days

I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed

“I’m seeing things Doc!” Protested the mental patient.

“Well I ain’t no optometrist, but I think that’s what’s meant to happen.” Replied the psychologist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

I told this girl I was seeing she had drawn her eyebrows on too high

She looked very surprised

Seeing all of these coffee jokes lately..

Im getting Deja Brew

Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple was seeing a therapist.

The wife says, "We just don't have history anymore."
The husband interrupts, "Honey, don't you mean chemistry?"
The wife says, "There you go, changing the subject!"

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

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