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My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phon...

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

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I watched a porn video all the way to the end

and I came to the conclusion.

So he could watch Jeopardy.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

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My wife always takes a long time to shower after we watch a Chris Pratt movie.

I don't know what she's doing in there but it gives me enough time to jerk off to him.

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

Why are mechanical watches so chilled out?

Because they’re always unwinding.

One day when I was young, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He than left, and never came back.

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

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Why do Jewish people watch porn in reverse?

They like the part where the hooker gives back the money

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

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I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

I was watching a documentary about how ships are put together the other day...

**It was riveting.**

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mommy, why is it called a kingdom?"

"Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!"

"Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children"

And I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

I can watch the girl I like talk all day

Those cameras I bought recently are really good

Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

Well, you should’ve said something. I know I can hide better.

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

I found this video that gives you coronavirus when you watch it.

It went viral.

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night.

I really enjoyed it. From now on that's how i'm going to watch all documentaries.

My boss was watching me work from two miles away

That's what I call supervision

My sister and her girlfriend got me a watch for Christmas

It was a nice but that wasn't what I ment when I said I wannna watch.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Watch your slang guys

I went to visit my girlfriend at university on her spring break, the campus was full of beautiful architecture and the technology department was like a dream. So I exclaimed "This place is sick!"

Well, someone heard and the whole place is on lockdown...

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.

It's watching what other people eat.

I don't allow my children to watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician watch two people enter a building. A little later, three people walk out.

Biologist: “They procreated in the building.”

Physicist: “The first measurement was off.”

Mathematician: “If one more person walks into the building, it will be empty.”

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

An overweight guy is watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me...

I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

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My boyfriend said he doesn’t want me to watch porn because it has other people in it....

But who the fuck said anything about watching humans?

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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Me and the Mrs were sat watching a film

on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen counter and starts to make love to her.

"Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens"

"I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that ever gets fucked in our kitchen is the food.

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

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Yesterday, I caught a disgusting pervert on the bus watching porn

over my shoulder.

If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

I had a great idea for a belt made completely out of watches.

I gave up once I realized it would be a waist of time.

I watched two movies yesterday.

One was called Boomerang! and the other was Boomerang: The Return.

After watching Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

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My friend wants to do a one man show based on the human centipede movies, no one is ever going to watch that,

He needs to get his head out of his arse.

I watched a Liam Neeson action movie that had the unrealistic parts deleted.

It was Taken seriously.

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I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.
Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”
Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”
Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours

So they called it a day

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Watching the news, a friend turned to me and said "Buttigieg's out."

I was like, "Buttigieg's been out for a long time..."

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I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking,

then I went to the park... still wanking.

An Englishman is sat on a park bench in Dublin watching 2 council workers.

One of them digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few meters and repeat the process.

After he's watched them do this 4-5 times the Englishman goes up and asked them what they're doing.
...

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You know why black people love watching sports?

Easy, cause they dominate that shit.


It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

My wife's always watching the Kardashians and I'm always watching the news.

I must be rubbing off on her. Based on her internet search history, she's looking at the BBC all the time now

So I wanted to watch that parasite movie

But every torrent had nothing but leechers

I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.

In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

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So we were watching porn and my girlfriend said it's so unrealistic.

"So you think no frustrated wife ever made an advance at her plumber?" I asked.

"Not that." She replied "The ones who repair ours have tiny cocks".

"Wait...what ?"

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

My dog is a watch dog.

He enjoyed chewing on my Rolex.

My wife and I watched 5 movies back to back last night....

Lucky for me, I was the one facing the TV!

I can’t concentrate while watching my videos for homework

I think it’s because of 80hd

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

An Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician perform his routine from a good distance away. Half way through, the magician looks around and notices how far away the men are and asks, "Can you see me ok?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

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I used to watch movies with my friend when we’re growing up.

One thing I don’t really get is how he used to adore who I hate. Johnny in The Karate Kid, Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter, Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. They are the definition of a bully.

He just came out last week. No wonder he likes assholes, he’s gay.

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

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Stalin wakes up early one morning and walks onto his balcony to watch the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

Eating a watch

I ate a watch once.

It was pretty time consuming

Last night, I watched a TV show about a girl who was bleeding uncontrollably.

It was a period drama.

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

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I once watched porn with no sound

After fifteen minutes, my dad returned my blue tooth speaker

As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

I normally don't watch the Grammy's, they're too long, but this year I'll make an exception.

After all, it is the sixty-second one.

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

I just watched a show about Beavers...

It was the best dam show I ever saw

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

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I just came home from a film festival where we spent 90 minutes watching a cockroach crawl around the screen...

I couldn't figure out if it was a bug or a feature.

You know those people that watch all the muppet movies?

They’re pretty kermitted to watching them

Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*

You’re not alone.

Just watched the Netflix documentary on Chewbacca's porcelain talents...

It's called "Hairy Potter".

If a ghost is watching you...

can one say it is spectreting?

Jesus is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burg...

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Watch out for the drill sergeant

A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump ...

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A confused mother watches her 4 year old son...

A confused mother watches her 4 year old son. on the staircase, he has the family cat and a box of tic tacs, and he is slowly and methodically eating one tic tac, licking the cat, and moving down one step. He then repeats this, over and over.

He is about half way down the stairs when finally ...

Have you ever watched the movie "Constipation"

Probably not. Because,

It was never released.

If you rush a circumcision to be able to watch the start of a basketball game

You are quickly taking the tip off not to miss the tip off

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I just watched my first porn movie yesterday..

..I was so young back then.

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No one likes to watch disgusting and degrading porn

More than I do

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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

A woman told her sister, "I don't know whether to watch my husband or the fire"

"'cause if I watch one, the other goes out"

I tried to cheer up this paranoid schizophrenic guy, who’s always worried someone is watching him.

I whispered: ”Hey buddy, remember you’re never alone.”

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I've watched thousands of hours of porn

Singlehandedly

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75% of Australian men watch porn.

The other 25% are with Optus and still waiting for it to load.

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever

But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

Nsfw. Jesus n Moses are walking down the beach comparing powers. Moses goes to Jesus, "Check this out." He faces the ocean n parts it clear down the middle. Jesus with a smirk, "ok ok, put it back n watch this."..

Jesus begins to walk out on the water and starts to sink. Jesus walks back n says to Moses "I don't get it, I can usually walk on water." Moses, laughing. "Probably because you got them holes in your feet."

Three inmates are on the train to the gulag.

One of them decides to start a conversation.
“So what did you guys do to end up here? I came to the factory late and they accused me of slowing down the revolution.”

The second man says:
“I arrived at the factory too early and they accused me of trying to rush the revolution.”

T...

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

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Anyone else watch the instructional video on how to take a good dump?

Best shit I've ever seen

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

Every year I tune into 'Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve' thinking this will be the year it's worth watching.

But they always drop the ball.

So I watched a zombie movie recently...

The survivors boarded themselves in an old furniture store. They had a nice camp setup with beds, lounges, workbenches, and thrived for several years. At least until the virus mutated and jumped to inanimate objects. Then the tables turned...

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

What were Anakin and Padme watching on their wedding night?

The rise of Skywalker.

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