As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

I once lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immidietly went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman. Not on my watch.

I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”

He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

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Where do necrophiliacs watch porn?

MournHub

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Confucious say: Man who watch too much porn

get overextended...

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Wanna come over to my place and watch a porno?

On my flat screen mirror.

I want to watch the new Dwayne Johnson movie, but also want to watch the new Kevin Hart movie...

I guess you could say I'm caught
between The Rock and a Hart place

Have you heard the story about the watch, clock and sandglass?

It's about time.

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

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Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

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A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

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My neighbor doesn’t watch porn

She asked me to fix her sink, I’ve been here a hour and I’m still fixing the damn sink.

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

Where do weebs watch videos?

uWutube

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Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

What time does Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?

Around ten-ish

What do you call a belt with a watch?

Waist of time.

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the ...

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

Batman: Hey, you wanna watch a movie?

Superman: Cape Fear?

Batman: Only when I’m riding an escalator. Want to watch a movie or not?

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

Did you watch the movie about dreams?

I heard it was a sleeper hit.

Why did 4 not watch horror movies?

It's was 2 squared!

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

Want to know how i stole my watch back?

I just took my time

I just watched a documentary on beavers

Best dam show I’ve ever watched

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

A blonde goes to watch Jurassic World in 3D.

Whenever dinosaurs run towards the audience, she is cowering in fear on her seat. The person next to her tells her "Don't be afraid, it's just a movie".

Blond replies, "I am a human, I can think, I know it's a movie. But that's a dumb beast, what does it know?".

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

My friends haven't been talking to me since the day I told them I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

To be completely fair they didn't do that before either.

I finally got to watch End Game, but this kid wouldn’t stop crying so I had to kick him out.

The rest of the plane ride was nice and quiet.

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

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[SPOILER] I finally got my fat ass over to watch Endgame.

Apparently, I have the body of a God.

It's too bad my parents don't watch Game of Thrones

Because then I wouldn't be the biggest disappointment in their life.

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When I got home tonight, my wife asked me what I wanted to watch.

Apparently, "you pack your shit and move out" was not a good answer.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch

HE decides what time it is.

— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?

— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.

— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!

I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

I almost never watch movies my stoner friends tell me to watch

Even though they come highly recommended.

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Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?

Cause they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says:"You really have a nice watch!"

"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."

The woman looks at him puzzled and sa...

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Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

In 2019 I will only watch 4K videos

It is my New Year’s resolution.

Miss, my watch tells me you have no panties on.

But I do have panties on!



Oh sorry, it's ahead of time again.

If you had inherited 1 million dollars tomorrow, how would you use it? I would go to the cinema to watch a movie, buy one popcorn and one large drink.



Then invest the remaining $3.48.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

I just donated the contents of my wallet, my iPhone X, and my $10,000 Rolex watch to some poor guy living on the streets.

You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he put his gun back into his pocket.

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

Watch out for the escaped horse!

He's unstable

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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

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I've just invented the Penis Watch.

I'd better rush to get it patented before someone else does.

The cock is ticking

Women are actually turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

This travelling to different countries to watch Suits is getting real expensive!

Netflix US.

I have never been able to watch my boyfriend pee...

......because every time my face gets wet!!

I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious

But the spoilers ruined it for me

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers

Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

A vegan and an introvert walk into a room which one tells you what they are first?

None; the person who hasn't watched "a single episode of Game of Thrones" beat them to it.

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....

.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"

When I found out my watch wasn’t water-proof

I was shocked.

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I don't watch much porn

5 minutes is usually enough

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If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

What do Italians watch tv on?

A tagliatelle vision

I really like to people watch...

Mostly just this one woman.

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