Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

I lost my watch at a party

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

I'm not rich but yesterday i donated my Phone, Wallet, and my watch to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness that i felt as i saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer.

Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

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The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit d...

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

I just watched Wonder Woman 1984 and I had zero idea what was going on.

Guess I shouldn't have skipped the other 1,983 movies.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

Finally watched a seminar on watches and clocks

It was about time.

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

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I watched my first porn today

But damn I was so young back then

Why did the teenager call 17 of his friends to watch a movie?

Because on the poster, it said "under 18 not allowed".

Why was the polar bear relaxed when watching TV?

Because he found a cool channel

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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An old man is sitting on his porch one morning watching the neighborhood

He notices a boy walking by with a roll of chicken wire. He calls over to the boy and asks him what he’s doing with the chicken wire. The boy replies “I’m going to use this chicken wire to go catch some chickens”. The man laughs it off but that afternoon he sees the boy walking back by his house wit...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore.

Reminds me of being at my uncle's house

People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones

But people in Abu Dhabi Do.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....

so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

I don't let my kids watch the orchestra

Too much sax and violins

An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy

Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

A friend of mine finally started watching Doctor Who, after years of not even knowing what the show is about

It’s about time

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

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I went to watch some porn and all it was was a sad old guy with his dick in his hand.

Then I realized the screen wasn't switched on.

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

I watched a documentary on how they built the hull of the Titanic last night....

It was riveting.

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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I watch ghost videos whenever i take a poo

They scare the shit out of me

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A man with a wooden eye watches people at the dance...

After always being the butt of jokes or bullying, he was scared to ask any girl to dance with him. He always had a fancy for Betsy, who was born with a hairlip. He always figured since they shared a similar fate, she might sympathize with him. He finally mustered up enough courage and asked Betsy, "...

Watch where you eat or it’ll watch you

I ordered Chinese from a local place, went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving

I thought wtf is that?

Has something gotten into the bag?

I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving so I pulled over, lean...

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A man goes on vacation and leaves his neighbor to watch his cat

The man comes back home and his neighbor meets him at the door.

"Dude, your cat got hit by a car and died while you were gone."

The man is distraught, "man, you can't just drop a bomb straight up like that! You've gotta soften the blow!"

"Soften it how," the neighbor asks.
...

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out.

Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can’t open the doors mid-flight.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

After being shorted by hedge funds, Gamestop, AMC, Blackberry and Nokia are watching those funds cry about their losses

I guess you could say those... companies love misery

A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist watch as two people enter an empty house and three people leave the house.

The biologist says, "They reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If one person enters the house, it will be empty again."

The physicist says, "At least one of our observations was incorrect."

What time did Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?

Tenish

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

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Japanese porn is the best, they censor the genitals so it is appropriate to watch with your family!

Censored*

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*

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A good psychological trick to find out if someone like you or not is by watching the direction of their feet when they're near you,

I'm still not sure if this guy that is kicking my ass like me or not.

I don't need to stay up and watch the ball drop...

2020 already dropped the ball.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What do you call a man who likes watching candles go out?...

...Peter.

Last night I watched Dunkirk on Netflix

I was really disappointed when I found out it wasn't a William Shatner biopic.

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

⁠ It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”

She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”

He said, “Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.”

If you are planning on opening a clock/watch repair shop, I've got the perfect name for it...

Uncertain Times

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

I got a recommendation from Pops on a TV series to watch

After watching it I can say it indeed was a jolly good show

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

My wife and I just finished watching all of The Office back to back...

Thankfully I was the one facing the telly.

I made a belt out of watches once..

It was a waist of time XD

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A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.

The Dads feet started getting cold. So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers. When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed. He then says,”My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”. They then replied with,”No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”. The Son says,”He ha...

A Jewish man says to another Jewish man, "That's a nice watch you go there"

the other man replied, "Oh thanks. My father sold it to me before he died."

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My neighbour was sunbathing naked in her garden and as I was wanking while watching her from the window I caught my wife staring at me in the doorway...

Do you think she might be a pervert?

Sure, I like to watch M*AS*H* episodes.

But not Alda time.

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Where do plant’s watch porn?

Onlyferns

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My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

Why do you watch people play video games that you could play yourself?

Said the sports fan.

Why were kids banned from watching a pirate film

Because it was rated rrrrrrrrr

Last night I came up with the most innovative idea and made a belt with connecting watches from my collection....

..................... It wasn't long before I realised it was a Waist of Time!!

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Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I watched a documentary about Mario the other day

The moment he decided to start eating green mushroom was truly a life-changing event.

I just watched an Apple store get robbed...

The police have called me as a iWitness

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

What do Superman and constantly watched employees have in common?

supervision

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I was watching my girlfriend have a shit and I thought to myself,

'This really is the last time we do a 69.'

I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies, and I realized something

It’s not that big of a shock that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.


I mean, they have the same no’s.

Why dont people wear watches on their belts?

Because it would be a waist of time.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch...

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

My friend Craig gave me his watch...

I tell people I got it off Craig’s wrist.

If you ever gonna do jokes on watches

Make sure to take your time

For my cake day, I thought I’d share my favourite joke...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". Fine, then the wife as...

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

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Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

No man should have to watch his woman work for a living.

That’s why, as her pimp, I have to stay outside while she does her tricks.

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.

She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed.
I didn't move.

"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.

"Watching it all unfold," I said.

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