I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

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There's a porn site that makes you watch 30 minutes of dwarf-MILF action before you can access any other content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

Did you know the people of Dubai don't watch The Flintstones?

But the ones in Abu Dhabi do.

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Why do you watch Food Network all the time, I asked my wife.

You suck at cooking and watching doesn't make you any better!

She replied "Why do you watch porn?"

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Jeffery Epstein committed suicide on suicide watch.

Everyone was surprised!

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

If there was a show on 9/11, I would not watch it.

After all, the pilot would crash and burn.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

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I asked my wife to go online and watch some porn to get some ideas for the bedroom.

Next time we made love, she laid there motionless. I asked her "what are you doing?". She replied, I saw this online, it's called "buffering".

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

Officers on Epstein's Suicide Watch did their jobs.

They watched the whole thing.

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

Why can’t orphans watch PBS?

It’s all family-friendly programming.

I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

I'll sell my broken watch...

... when the time is right.

I should have known my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend made me watch the Vietnamese Independence Day parade.

There were so many red flags.

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Did you hear about the man who dropped his watch in the toilet?

He had a shitty time....

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

when you watch a picture of Tupac you see Tupac

but when you watch two pictures of him you see 4Pac

A fat weatherman who enjoys watch collecting?

I’d call him a meaty horologist

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

My Boss described me as “one to watch” in our office.

Sadly, he was talking to security at the time.

I have a watch on my belt.

It's so your mother isn't late to work.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

I wanted to watch the world origami championships on TV

...but it was only on paper view.

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

I’m definitely not going to watch the new Cats movie.

I hate meowsicals.

A man with one leg came to work with a new watch.

His co-workers asked "How much did that cost?"

He replied " An arm and leg but I talked them down."

A little boy got a watch for his birthday. Someone said, "That's a pretty watch you've got there, does it tell you the time?"

He said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch... you have to look at it!"

I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”

He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

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Terrible things happen, when children are allowed to watch porn.

They could see your mom, for example.

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

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Where do necrophiliacs watch porn?

MournHub

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

"Jeffrey Epstein was on a Suicide Watch. He committed suicide, they watched."

From youtube, a Jimmy Dore channel commentator.

I recently asked an enthusiast for the middle-ages on his thoughts about people watching public executions in the era, since I thought it was a villainous act to watch public executions.

He then told me:
“It’s not evil, it’s just medieval.”

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Confucious say: Man who watch too much porn

get overextended...

What's the best animal to watch with your spouse?

"Look deer, look!"

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

I recently lost my watch and found it 5 miles down the road

It was still up and running

My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases...

Now he's Aiden in bedding

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

I want to watch the new Dwayne Johnson movie, but also want to watch the new Kevin Hart movie...

I guess you could say I'm caught
between The Rock and a Hart place

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

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Wanna come over to my place and watch a porno?

On my flat screen mirror.

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My neighbor doesn’t watch porn

She asked me to fix her sink, I’ve been here a hour and I’m still fixing the damn sink.

Have you heard the story about the watch, clock and sandglass?

It's about time.

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

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Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

What time does Sean Connery watch Wimbledon?

Around ten-ish

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

Did you watch the movie about dreams?

I heard it was a sleeper hit.

Batman: Hey, you wanna watch a movie?

Superman: Cape Fear?

Batman: Only when I’m riding an escalator. Want to watch a movie or not?

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the ...

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

Why did 4 not watch horror movies?

It's was 2 squared!

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

Have you ever tried to eat a watch?

It's very time consuming.

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Want to know how i stole my watch back?

I just took my time

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

I just watched a documentary on beavers

Best dam show I’ve ever watched

My friends haven't been talking to me since the day I told them I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

To be completely fair they didn't do that before either.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

In 2019 I will only watch 4K videos

It is my New Year’s resolution.

A blonde goes to watch Jurassic World in 3D.

Whenever dinosaurs run towards the audience, she is cowering in fear on her seat. The person next to her tells her "Don't be afraid, it's just a movie".

Blond replies, "I am a human, I can think, I know it's a movie. But that's a dumb beast, what does it know?".

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[SPOILER] I finally got my fat ass over to watch Endgame.

Apparently, I have the body of a God.

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When I got home tonight, my wife asked me what I wanted to watch.

Apparently, "you pack your shit and move out" was not a good answer.

It's too bad my parents don't watch Game of Thrones

Because then I wouldn't be the biggest disappointment in their life.

— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?

— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.

— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch

HE decides what time it is.

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Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says:"You really have a nice watch!"

"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."

The woman looks at him puzzled and sa...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

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Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?

Cause they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!

I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

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