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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

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A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My friends haven't been talking to me since the day I told them I didn't watch Game of Thrones.

To be completely fair they didn't do that before either.

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[SPOILER] I finally got my fat ass over to watch Endgame.

Apparently, I have the body of a God.

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

If you watch it backwards, the movie titanic,

becomes about a magical boat that saves a bunch of drowning people.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

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Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

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Want to come over and watch porn...

... on my flat screen mirror?

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

If you had inherited 1 million dollars tomorrow, how would you use it? I would go to the cinema to watch a movie, buy one popcorn and one large drink.

​

Then invest the remaining $3.48.

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

If you ever feel lonely, watch a scary movie

Then you won't feel so lonely anymore.

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Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?

Cause they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

Miss, my watch tells me you have no panties on.

But I do have panties on!

​

Oh sorry, it's ahead of time again.

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

I just donated the contents of my wallet, my iPhone X, and my $10,000 Rolex watch to some poor guy living on the streets.

You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he put his gun back into his pocket.

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I was surprised when my girlfriend invited me go to the theater to watch hardcore porn.

Turns out “three D movie” means something very different to her

Why did Donald Trump watch the Olympics ?

To see how tall the Mexicans can pole vault.

I once knew a guy who worked in a watch factory

He was paid to stand around making faces.

A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says:"You really have a nice watch!"

"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."

The woman looks at him puzzled and sa...

Watch out for the escaped horse!

He's unstable

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Little Jonny was at school and his best mate Timmy had a new watch.

Jonny asked where he got it and Timmy said “last night I walked into my parents room and they were naked on the bed having sex, my dad gave me his watch and said
“TAKE THIS AND GET OUT”.

Little Jonny wanted a new watch too so that night he decided to go into his parents room to try and ca...

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

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If your roommate made you watch a movie and left after 10 minutes, it would be a dick move.

My point: Old people should not vote.

In 2019 I will only watch 4K videos

It is my New Year’s resolution.

This travelling to different countries to watch Suits is getting real expensive!

Netflix US.

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I've just invented the Penis Watch.

I'd better rush to get it patented before someone else does.

The cock is ticking

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I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

Women are actually turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

My friend showed me this awesome app where you can watch exotic creatures

Apparently it is called Tik tok

I really wanna watch Fast and the Furious

But the spoilers ruined it for me

Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers

Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”

...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

When I was a younger kid, I smart-mouthed my mom and she told me to 'watch it'.

Now I'm afraid of clowns and balloons. What was mom thinking?!

What do Italians watch tv on?

A tagliatelle vision

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

When I found out my watch wasn’t water-proof

I was shocked.

What does a flower watch when it is home alone?

Pollination videos.

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

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I don't watch much porn

5 minutes is usually enough

Why don’t grasshoppers watch football?

They prefer cricket!

Watch the Elephant

What does an elephant have in common with a Seiko watch?

They both come in quartz.

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If you brag about the proportions of your dick on a date, carefully watch her reaction.

Because sighs matter.

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

I really like to people watch...

Mostly just this one woman.

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What do roosters watch when they're horny?

Hen-tai.

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

Apple just announced a new $500 velcro wristband for the apple watch

Sounds like a rip-off to me

I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....

.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"

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I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

A boy walks up to an old man and asks,"Hey Grandpa, can you tell me what's the time?" The old man looks at his watch and says

"It's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on."

I thought about getting myself a watch so long I could wear it as a belt

But I guess it'd be such a waist of time

Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.

At least that was the case with me.

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NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

Did you know 'cyka blyat' is Russian for 'watch out'?

That's what I learnt from watching dash cam videos.

Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

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My Ex was was so weird. She would get angry when I told her she had to keep her eyes open and watch me when she blew the candle on her birthday. One year she got so mad at me and did the strangest thing... she bit the candle. She was mildly crazy.

She did other weird things too, like constantly twerking everywhere we went and naming my penis "The Candle".

A guy I know works at the watch factory,

I ask him "So what do you do?"

He says "I stand around all day making faces"

^^^^thanks ^^^^Mary ^^^^Poppins

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I'm thinking to watch porn on New Year's Eve

Like only 2 seconds before clock strikes 00:00, I'll start the video.
So after 2 seconds, i can be like "I'm coming 2019"

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a br...

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Found an old video I used to watch on pornhub

It was a blast from the past

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

are you an iWitness?

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

Two ninjas watch an enemy approach. The first ninja nudges the other and says, "he can't cross without being attacked, can he?" The other ninja, stretches and yawns, and replies

"shuriken."

If you watch a movie with Jackie Chan backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

Ever watch a documentary about joining steel together?

It can be riveting.

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I like to watch porn with full volume

So I can't hear my mom complaining.

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

Two S.S. officers are on watch...

One sneezes.
The other says "What? Where?"

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Y...

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What does a horny drum set watch?

Badum tits

My neighbour obviously doesn't watch adult movies...

She asked me to fix the sink and I'm still here an hour later fixing the sink. >.<

I read a sign today that said Watch for Children

I thought it was a pretty fair trade