We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day...

I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"

He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

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My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

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I feel bad for Jehovah's Witnesses

It must be hard for them to stay home and mind their fucking business.

I witnessed a suicide. [OC]

I was hiking up a fairly large hill, could be considered a small mountain, that had a steep cliff near the top. I saw a man standing there with a noose tied around his neck, the other end was tied to the cliff.

I told him that he shouldn't do it, theres more to life than this. He started clim...

Bear witness

Like Smokey watching a forest fire.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I just witnessed my friend fall on the staircase, he was badly hurt so i came running and asked:

Are the stairs ok?

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite snack food?

Ding Dongs

What do you get when you mix a Jehovah’s Witness with a Atheist?

Someone knocking on your door for no reason.

Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.

As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers...

"Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."

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I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses...

Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", dont open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

Deep in the Amazon jungle, a tribe witnessed white people for the first time...

...and immediately regretted installing TikTok.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

What are Jehovah Witnesses' favorite dessert?

Hostess Ding Dongs!

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

How many Jehovas witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to go to your house and ask if you've seen the light.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese?

Ding dong.

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

I witnessed a queen being murdered

By a pawn

Why are carpenters such good witnesses?

Because they saw everything

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

I just witnessed my brother getting stabbed in jail...

Yeah, my family takes Monopoly pretty seriously.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.



The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive in...

Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness

I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"

Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Thesaurus' crashed on the highway last Thursday.

According to the Daily news, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, horrified, numbed, and perplexed that items falling off ...

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My wife witnessed two bears having sex through a pair of binoculars.

She saw them coming a mile away.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses favorite type of car?

A CONVERTable

A boy and his mother were walking towards their local MRT..

They were heading to the main City in order to buy some food supplies, they did this every week in order to be always ready for an emergency and such.

They finished buying their groceries and set off to return home, the subway was very packed, since they got home in rush hour, the passenger...

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today.

I was at the shopping maul.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

Did you hear Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were attacked by a giant magpie?

Witnesses say one bird was trying to kill two Stones

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

An English gentleman was waiting at a bus stop...

...standing next to him was a very attractive woman in a very short dress. A sudden breeze caused her dress to fly up revealing she had no panties on. The English gentleman witnessed this and being a bit flustered said, "Bit airy, isn't it"

The woman replied, "What were you expecting? Feather...

How do you call the best man at Jesus's wedding?

>!A Jehova Witness!<

A Jehovah's Witness starts a knock knock joke...

...but no one ever answers.

A sperm donor, a witness, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

I'm so lonely

Even Jehovah's Witnesses won't knock on my door because they know I just want to talk.

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

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Master, why does my ability not improve?

Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."
...

What is a Jehovahs Witness favorite band?

The Doors

A man has been out fishing by the lake...

...all day and hasn’€™t caught anything. He decides to just give up and call it a day, but on his way he notices a young boy fishing few feet away from him. The man immediately notices the kid has several buckets full of fish, then witnesses him reeling in yet another one.

“Excuse me”, the ma...

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Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

"Artie chokes 2 for $1 at Grocery Mart!"

There was a husband who was mad at his wife, and essentially wanted her dead. So he called up a hit man, and his name was Artie.

"So, what is a good location to kill Wife?" Artie asks the Husband.

"Wife spends a lot of time at Grocery Mart, so that should be a good place to kill her"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"

The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."

The prosecuto...

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.



They kicked him out of the theater.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Did you hear about the Jehovah’s Witness comedian?

He only tells knock-knock jokes.

There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months

In 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jehovah’s witness knocks on a door

An old jew opens it. The jehovah’s witness asks “excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?”

“Oh, my dear,” replies the jew, “we wrote it.”

What's a Jehova's Witness' favourite kind of joke?

Knock knock jokes.

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

The Vistor

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".


I said," Come in and sit down".

When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about"?


He said, " Damned if I know, I've ne...

I got a Jehovah's Witness themed advent calender this year....

I didn't open any of the doors.

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