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Witness Jokes

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witn...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

I had a Jehovah witness

Knock on my door one day and asked to come in and speak with me about Jesus.

I said sure come on in, so we went to living room and sat down. And I asked, so what do you want to talk about?


And they said we’re really not sure we have never made it this far before.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is a Jehova’s Witness.

He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened a witness replied, "Well... it's kind of hard to say..."

Jehovah's Witnesses knock at the door of Jesus.

"Excuse us Sir, do you have a moment to talk about Chuck Norris?"

What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's witness?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's witness

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

I witnessed a murder

It took me about 30 seconds before the crows noticed me and left.

I have a friend that's a Jehova's Witness

This one time she got mad at me, because she told a knock knock joke, and I refused to answer.

Why are there no Jehovah‘s Witnesses in Sicily?

Because it‘s a dangerous place for witnesses.

I witnessed a kidnap today....

On his mommy lap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses...

Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese

Ding Dong

Shocked that pesky 'Jehovah Witness' lady by answering the door naked..

Not sure whether she was scared that I was naked or I knew where she lived..

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

Sicily isn't a safe place for Jehovah's Witnesses.

I've heard that Sicilians really don't like witnesses.

A man witnesses an accident and calls 911.

Operator: 911, what's your
emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I
need an ambulance.

Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.

Operator: Can you spell that for
me?

Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?

M...

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

So this young kid goes out to solicit donations for Jehovah’s witnesses.

It’s dark and cold and the rain is coming down in buckets. He sees a house with the lights on and runs up the driveway and knocks on the door. Half a minute later the owner opens the door and the young fellow informs him who he is.

“Well don’t stand out there in the rain. Come on in and dry ...

I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"...

He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday

Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

Two Jehovah's Witnesses knock on someone's door

The house owner opens the door. "Good morning, would you like to learn about God today?" The houseowner was a little bored, and slightly curious, so he lets them in. They slowly enter, and sit down on the couch across from the houseowner. After a few seconds of silence, the houseowner asks, "Well?" ...

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

I upset a Jehovah's Witness at work today...

...he started telling me a knock-knock joke, but I wouldn't answer.

Bear witness

Like Smokey watching a forest fire.

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

“Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?”

The witness tapped her chin, “I think -”

“We aren't interested in what you think,” said the attorney. “We only want the *facts*.”

The witness frowned. “I'll give...

I've just witnessed a police car crash into a fire engine in town.

I was going to ring for an ambulance, but that could've been asking for trouble.

Jehovah's Witness

I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah’s Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven’s door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday...

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in. He said, "Yeah, okay." I said "I'm just making a cup of tea, do you want one?" He said, "Yeah, sure." I said, "I've just made some toast do you want a slice?" He said, "Yeah, why not." We sat down ...

What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common?

I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So should children witness childbirth or not?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed ...

A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door this morning.

“Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day?” he asked.

“Well,” I replied, “I’m not a big fan of the Terminator series.” I Said

What do you call it when the Air Force tries to convince UFO witnesses they saw natural phenomenon?

Swampgaslighting

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

A lawyer asked a witness when his birthday was.

Witness: "20th August."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

Another Jehova's Witness joke

A jehovah's witness knocks on a on a door and a man answers the door.
The jehovah's witness tells the man, "I'm from Jehovah's Witness and I have some stories I would like to share with you.

The man replies, "Sure, come on in. Have a seat on the couch. I just made some coffee would you...

A Jehovah witness was going from house to house looking to talk to people

He approached a house and saw a man. "Good day" he said "do you have time to discuss, I'm Jehovah witness?"

"Sure" said the man. He let him in the house and they just kept staring at each other until the man asked "so what do you want to talk about?"

Then confused Jehovah witness just ...

Werner Heisenberg witnessed a car accident.

The police came and asked Heisenberg if he would like to give a statement about the accident.

Heisenberg agreed.

The cop asks Heisenberg:

"Can you tell me the speed and the position of the car in the moment of the accident?"

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses' favourite part of Middle Earth?

More door.

I would tell a joke about Jehovah's witnesses...

But nobody likes knock-knock jokes

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

What is a Jehovahs Witness favorite band?

The Doors

A Vegan, Jehovah Witness and Keto Trainer walk into a bar...

* Everybody Leaves *

A Jehovah's Witness starts a knock knock joke...

...but no one ever answers.

Two Kings Witness a Murder

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder. The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their ha...

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is interrogated by a cop after witnessing a robbery

When the cop asks him what happened he says:

*"A truck stopped right in front of the jewellery store, the back of the truck opens and comes out a big elephant. The elephant walked right through the windows of the store and proceeded to steal everything it could. It then walked back in the tru...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

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