UPJOKE
testimonyseelawyereyewitnessprosecutorlawfindtrialevidencepersonhearsayjudgedefendantinformantspectator

Honest witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i once had sex with a Jehovah's witness.

They looked really nice, but always seemed to come at the wrong time.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

Shocked that pesky 'Jehovah Witness' lady by answering the door naked..

Not sure whether she was scared that I was naked or I knew where she lived..

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an advent calendar for Jahovah's Witnesses

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common?

I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

A stockbroker is being tried for Insider Trading

The key piece of evidence was an illegal trade he had allegedly committed on May 14th.

His secretary was called to the stand to testify.

"Miss Secretary," asked the Prosecutor, "can you show us what you think the Stockbroker's was doing that day?"

"Objection!" cried the Stockbro...

A truck carrying thousands of copies of “Merriam-Webster’s Thesaurus” overturned on I-91 shortly after leaving its distribution facility in Springfield, MA, spilling its cargo all over the highway.

Witnesses were aghast, astonished, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, numbed, paralyzed, rattled, shocked, startled, stunned, stupefied, and surprised.

My friend is a jehovah's witness

He got mad at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

A Jehovah witness was going from house to house looking to talk to people

He approached a house and saw a man. "Good day" he said "do you have time to discuss, I'm Jehovah witness?"

"Sure" said the man. He let him in the house and they just kept staring at each other until the man asked "so what do you want to talk about?"

Then confused Jehovah witness just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is interrogated by a cop after witnessing a robbery

When the cop asks him what happened he says:

*"A truck stopped right in front of the jewellery store, the back of the truck opens and comes out a big elephant. The elephant walked right through the windows of the store and proceeded to steal everything it could. It then walked back in the tru...

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

I told the police I just witnessed a man jump from an apartment balcony.

"What floor?" they asked.

"He's on the ground floor," I replied.

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses' favourite part of Middle Earth?

More door.

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
...

I talked to a couple of Jehovah's witnesses for half an hour, and I still don't know who Jehova is.

To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that they witnessed it.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

A lawyer calls a dog as a witness

The Judge says “get that dog out it cannot be a witness”

The Lawyer says “Don’t worry this dog can talk I will prove it.”

The dog is sworn on to the podium and the Lawyer begins his cross examination. First he asks the dog “Good morning sir, how was the road on your way here?” The do...

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door the other day...

I said "Come in. Sit down. What would you like to talk about?"

He said "I don't know. I've never gotten this far before."

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still d...

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

A Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door this morning.

“Could you spare a few moments to talk about the Judgement Day?” he asked.

“Well,” I replied, “I’m not a big fan of the Terminator series.” I Said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funeral procession

A man is jogging in the park one day and witnesses the strangest funeral procession he had ever seen. There was another man walking immediately behind a hearse and in front of it was a second hearse. Behind the man was a line of about 50 men walking single file. Curious, the jogger walked up to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen is at the zoo

One day while at the zoo with her son, Karen passes by the chimpanzee exhibit. They are very rowdy & when Karen had her back turned, one threw feces right at her head. Upset, Karen stormed to the nearby animal caretaker.

‘Sir! These disgusting apes are very rude! Did you just see what the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese?

Ding dong.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

A Christian missionary walks through the savannah when he suddenly encounters two lions.

The two lions seem to be hungry, so the missionary does the thing he knows best. He kneels down and prays: "Please god make faithful Christians out of these lions."

He looks up and witnesses the two lions lying on the floor with folded paws speaking:

"God is great!

God is good!...

A lawyer asked a witness when his birthday was.

Witness: "20th August."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

A Vegan, Jehovah Witness and Keto Trainer walk into a bar...

* Everybody Leaves *

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So should children witness childbirth or not?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed ...

What r two words u should never say to a Jehovah’s Witness?

Come in!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor. They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them...

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

“Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?”

The witness tapped her chin, “I think -”

“We aren't interested in what you think,” said the attorney. “We only want the *facts*.”

The witness frowned. “I'll give...

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," the lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand.

"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Do you know why jehovas witnesses buildings don't have windows?

Its so God can't see what they're doing in there.

What is the similarity between Julius Caesar and Tifa Lockhart?

Both of them were witnessed getting impaled in the Italian senate...

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

I witnessed my wife trip and drop all the laundry.

She got red with embarassment and said: "Did you see that?"

I said: "I watched it all unfold."

Werner Heisenberg witnessed a car accident.

The police came and asked Heisenberg if he would like to give a statement about the accident.

Heisenberg agreed.

The cop asks Heisenberg:

"Can you tell me the speed and the position of the car in the moment of the accident?"

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

Why are there so few Jehovah's Witnesses in Sicily?

Sicilians aren't keen about witnesses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a conundrum

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby...

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday...

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in. He said, "Yeah, okay." I said "I'm just making a cup of tea, do you want one?" He said, "Yeah, sure." I said, "I've just made some toast do you want a slice?" He said, "Yeah, why not." We sat down ...

Bear witness

Like Smokey watching a forest fire.

I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"...

He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?

I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer and his dog are riding back home on a donkey pulled cart.

They reach a hill and the tired donkey is struggling to go up. Annoyed by this, the old farmer pulls out his whip and hits the donkey to make him go faster. However, the more the old farmer whips, the slower the donkey gets. Stuck in a frenzy, the old farmer continually yells and whips the donkey. S...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.