TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

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My wife witnessed two bears having sex through a pair of binoculars.

She saw them coming a mile away.

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A Witness is Testifying in an Assault Case involving a broom

DA: Can you tell us what happened next?

Witness: Ya this guy tried to shove a broom up the other guy's ass!

Judge: Watch your language in my courtroom!

DA: Rectum?

Witness: Rectum!? Damn near killed him!

Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness

I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"

Jehovah’s Witnesses have some strange beliefs.

Like they believe I’m gonna open the door.

How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese?

Ding dong.

I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today.

I was at the shopping maul.

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I was hanging out with a Jehovahs Witness.

He got really pissed at me.

He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses favorite type of car?

A CONVERTable

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

How many Jehovah'a witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to go to your house and ask if you've seen the light.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, jehovah's witness, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

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Just bought a Jehovah Witness themed advent calendar,

behind every door someone tells you to fuck off

A sperm donor, a witness, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

A Jehovah's Witness starts a knock knock joke...

...but no one ever answers.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.



They kicked him out of the theater.

What is a Jehovahs Witness favorite band?

The Doors

One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman

The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"

The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."

The prosecuto...

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

Did you hear about the Jehovah’s Witness comedian?

He only tells knock-knock jokes.

A guy at a partie was in the drive way when the cops came and witnessed him jumping on a car

The cops end the partie and chew the guy out
Cop: You wouldn’t want someone jumping on your car
Guy: I don’t have a car
Cop: on your Xbox then?
Guy: I don’t have an xbox
Cop: what do you have then huh?
Guy: a trampoline

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I hate when the Jehova’s witnesses come knocking at my door.

I mean their food cup was full when I last checked the basement.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

I witnessed an attempted murder yesterday.

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

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A jehovah’s witness knocks on a door

An old jew opens it. The jehovah’s witness asks “excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?”

“Oh, my dear,” replies the jew, “we wrote it.”

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

What's a Jehova's Witness' favourite kind of joke?

Knock knock jokes.

What happens when an atheist and a Jehova’s witness have a son?

He knocks door to door for no reason at all.

What do you call an honest Trump Supporter?

A witness for the Prosecution.

I witnessed a great treachery yesterday.

It must have been at least 20 ravens.

I got a Jehovah's Witness themed advent calender this year....

I didn't open any of the doors.

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

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I just witnessed my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of peanut butter

He's fucking nuts

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won...

In getting tired of the jehovah witnesses.

They keep knocking on the door, trying to make me change my mind

"Please let us out!", "We won't bother you again!", "Have mercy!"

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Police asked the husband "Did you witness the suspect murder your wife?" The husband said "Yes."

Police: "Mind me ask why you did not intervene?"

Husband: "He looked like he was capable of doing it alone."

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

The sharp eye-witness

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”

“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

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The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's off...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

An office hired a Mormon and a Jehovah’s Witness.

Soon after, there was an open door policy.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah witness and a Mormon?

I have no idea but I can’t get him off my porch

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Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

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I asked the witness if he needed to go to the restroom.

I could tell from his testimony that he was full of crap.

Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest. Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long. Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.

The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half...

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

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What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday...

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in. He said, "Yeah, okay." I said "I'm just making a cup of tea, do you want one?" He said, "Yeah, sure." I said, "I've just made some toast do you want a slice?" He said, "Yeah, why not." We sat down ...

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

A man goes to Spain

He arrives, and of course, the first thing he has to go see is the daily bull fight.
The match is drawn out, a banderillero is gored, but eventually the bull is subdued and the matador emerges victorious.
The man is famished at this point, and so, entranced by the fight, he finds his way to t...

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

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After witnessing the second coming of Jesus, I have decided to make some serious changes in my life.

I’m never watching Mexican porn again.

Two Kings Witness a Murder

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder. The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their ha...

Broke in at the Apple Store.

Police are looking for iWITNESSES.

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they ...

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A man walks into a piano bar

Orders a beer, sits quietly, drinking his beer and minding his own business.

Out of nowhere a monkey comes running, jumps onto the bar and takes a piss in his beer, fucks off before he can react.

“Hey! Who’s Monkey was that” he screams angrily - but alas, no one seems to have seen it...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

What is the Clinton's least favorite movie?

The Witness

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