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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

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An upcoming director (Tim) is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant,,

The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Coul...

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table...

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

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A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

To which he responded "That's Michelle"

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

I have a hobby of drinking fancy water in elevators

Do you Evian-Lift?

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says...

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

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Fancy dress party fun

Jimmy has a fancy dress party... the theme being emotions.

the party is getting underway, Jimmy’s first guests arrive, a couple ...the girl is dressed as a huge heart (love) the guy is wearing a green t shirt with the letters n and v on ....(a very original green with envy )

There i...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

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So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him “what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?”

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

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A woman walks into a fancy and very expensive jewellery store.

She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond necklace. Curious, she walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to take a closer look, she accidentally and unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously and hopes that no one noticed or heard her little accident....

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

We went to a fancy restaurant yesterday and I surprised everyone by ordering in perfect French

It was a Chinese restaurant

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

A guy goes to a fancy nightclub.

He is stopped at the door by the bouncers, who say you cannot come in without a tie.
So he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.
"Can I come in now?,' he says to the bouncers.
'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

I once read a cook book about fancy soup and sauce thickeners...

...but it all turned out to be elaborate roux's.

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A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

How do you know if your coffee is fancy?

By how poor the country it came from is.

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

I met my new girlfriend at a fancy dress party where coincidentally and bizarrely, we were both dressed as dolphins...

We just clicked...

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

My wife suggested we go to a fancy dress party dressed as partridges.

Well I'm game if she is.

What do camping and fancy hotels have in common?

Toilet trees are complimentary.

A man and woman go out to a fancy restaurant

When they walk in, they see the host is an attractive young man. The woman walks up to him and says "I'm interested in a quickie." The young host is flustered and quickly finds them a table. Just as they sit down, the server walks up to take their order. Again, the woman says "I'm interested in a qu...

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mism...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

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A rich guy is having a fancy party

A rich guy is having a fancy party
So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at th...

I wanted to order food from a fancy restaurant

I didn't want to leave the house, though, so I had them bring the food to me.

I ordered a medium rare steak and foie gras, but when the food arrived my foie gras was missing!

Furious, I drove over to the restaurant and demanded they give me my full order. They did, and before I left I ...

How do you tickle a fancy woman?

Gucci Gucci Gucci

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

What do you call fancy mayo that falls off the table?

Rollie pullie aioli

Went to a fancy dress party as a fridge.

People laughed but at least I looked fresh.

I was making fancy French cheese...

I tried to make the rind but it didn't work. Turns out I had used penicillin instead of *Penicillium*...

Just another example of food ruined by antibrieotics...

I was disappointed that my friend chose to bring hot dogs to my fancy pot-luck dinner party.

But, I suppose he could have bratwurst.

Fancy a beer but are too young to buy it?

Buy rootbeer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer!

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

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What is a fancy way to tell people you're shitting in the woods?

Just tell them you are publishing in Nature.

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A couple goes out to eat at a fancy restaurant

They sit down and the waiter comes to the table to greet them. They both order a bowl of soup and it comes out quickly. A few minutes in, the woman drops her spoon on the floor. Her husband flags down the waiter to get another spoon and he pulls a spoon, neatly wrapped in a cloth, out of his shirt p...

*On phone* Wife: Fancy coming home for a quickie?

Husband: It's pronounced "quiche"

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken last night.

I had a number of near misses on the way there. Everyone kept driving straight at me.

I walked into a fancy dress shop and said to the woman, "I'm going to a party tonight, and I want to go as an A4 piece of paper."

She gave me a blank look.

Bunch of mainly old rich white folks gathered in a big fancy room guarded by armed guards to discuss about coloured people

So how was Oscars y'all?

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A man goes into a fancy restaurant

When he gets to his table he sees that they have gold plate and says
"wow this restaurant has gold plates how fancy."
Then he sees that they also have gold silverware and says
"Wow they also have gold silverware how fancy."
After that he goes to the bathroom and sees they also have gold...

Two idiots stole a calendar from a fancy hotel

Each got 6 months.

I was staying at a fancy hotel....

...and it said in the Guest Services, "Dial *75 for Turn-Down Service". So, I dialed *75.

A woman answered the phone saying, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth!"

It's nice that while I'm traveling, I can still get some things that remind me of home.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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A black man walks into the doctors with a fancy parrot in his shoulder

The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?"

The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"

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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis

Lady asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

Edit : Costume party, not fancy dress

Why do they serve snails at fancy French restaurants?

Because it is not fast food!

There's a guy in my town that fancies women and might fancy men too.

He's nearby.

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

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Apparently "Fancy a shag?" ...

Is not the best way to welcome customers to CarpetRight.

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

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A young man was struggling to decide what to wear to a fancy dress party

But eventually had a brain wave. When the host answered the door to find the guest standing there in his Y-fronts he asked him what he was supposed to be? 'Premature ejaculation - I just came in my pants!'

[Long] Last Friday, I took a guest to a fancy restaurant.

I noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"
He explained,
"The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. T...

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

Has anyone heard about that fancy new broom?

It's sweeping the nation! :O

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[NSFW] So a rich vampire, a middle-class vampire, and a poor vampire go to a fancy restaurant...

The rich vampire looks at the menu and calls the waiter, saying, "I'm wealthy, so I'll be having the finest blood wine!". The next one who orders is the middle-class vampire, saying "I'll just have blood beer, because that's all I can afford". A moment of silence proceeds, but then suddenly the poor...

Fancy Strip Club

I found my self at a strip club one evening. Apparently it was a nice one because when I pulled out a dollar bill to tip one of the dancers she promptly told me "sorry darling but we only take big bills here." without missing a beat I said "no problem hun, all I have are big bills." i winked at her,...

Was denied entry to a fancy club for improper attire.

Bouncer is all like you need a jacket and tie to get in here bud. I know I've got a jacket in the car but no tie.Putting on the jacket I notice my nice new pair of jumper cables so I think ah what the hell and tie them around my neck.Go back up to the doors ask if I can go in now? Bouncer looks me u...

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as a tennis ball

Got served first every time

What do you call a lion with a fancy hat?

A dandy lion.

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My friend's throwing a fancy dress party themed around period attire...

I'm going dressed as a tampon

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An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

My wife and I walked past a fancy restaurant

She said "Ohh , something smells nice"

So I decided to treat her - I let her walk past it a second time.

A reposted joke is like fancy cheese.

Both are usually accompanied by a good wine.

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Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his boxer shorts

He's stopped at the door by the bouncer who says "you do realize this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"
"A premature ejaculation" the guy exclaims.
"What?" Says the bouncer.
"Well I've just come in my pants" says the guy.

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My wife started charging people for blowjobs at fancy restaurants...

...because she wanted to make a little extra money under the table.

Ba^dum^tsssss^ssss

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I went to a fancy dress costume party the other day...

There was a guy standing there nude! Completely fucking naked with nothing but a girl on his back (also naked).

"What's your costume supposed to be?" I asked the man incredulously.

"I'm a snail obviously bro!" He smiled at my confusion and pointed at the girl he was carrying.

"...

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A Filipino, a Korean, a Laotian, a Chinese, a Japanese and a Vietnamese go to a fancy restaurant. "Sorry" says the Maitre d' ...

"You can't be seated without a Thai."

Two guys are talking at a fancy rooftop bar.

Clearly drunk out his mind, one guy says to the other, "Ya know...the air currents are sho shtrong up here...hic...you can float on 'em like water."

Also wasted, the other guy says, "Ah, you're crazy. You can't do that! (Burp)"

The first guy says "S'true! Juss watch!"

So he stum...

A Man Was At A Fancy Dinner Party

A man was at a fancy dinner party and he really needed to pass gas. Because the setting was so fancy he tried holding in the fart, but the need to release it was much too strong. The man looking around saw the host family's dog, Pluto, nearby. The man walked right next to the dog, and let out a litt...

Trump is so fancy

Even his showers are golden.

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I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants

I went to a fancy dress night wearing just my underpants. The doorman said, 'What the hell are you supposed to be?' I replied, 'A premature ejaculation'. He said, 'I can't let you in. Suppose the manager sees you. I can't tell him you're a premature...whatever it is.' I said, 'Well, just tell ...

A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his ...

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When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds

Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car

What's the difference between a regular product and a fancy one?

The regular one says "Made in China".
The fancy one says "Designed in the USA. Made in China."

A man enters an elevator of a fancy hotel and says "Ballroom please"

The lady standing in front of him replies "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was crowding you."

I really just don't like any of these fancy and stinky cheeses.

Maybe I'm just uncultured.

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a hot girl in a fancy bar

gets hit on by a rich China man. she's completely disgusted by him, but he's very persistent and obsessive, and wants her to marry him. so to blow him off, she tells him she'll marry him if he'll do 3 things for her. so she asks for 1 million dollars, thinking he'd never do that. he immediately ...

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Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

What do you get when you cross a fancy car and a sweet potato?

A Yambourghini!

Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car?

She got tired of all that Cruise control.

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

My wife said to me she wanted to go somewhere fancy....

"somewhere where they serve from the left!" she demanded, so I took her through the drive-thu.

What do you call a shish-kebab at a fancy restaurant?

A Shish-ke-Robert

I went to a fancy restaurant last night and a man was complaining about his escargot.

The waiter just shrugged it off. "I'm sorry sir," the waiter told him. "All snails are final."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him 'Don't be Sicily

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