If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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I got one of those fancy butt sprayers for my toilet, but it never works at night...

I guess I can only use it bidet.

Did you hear about that fancy, new, lightweight mucus that scientists discovered?

It’s rather phlegm-buoyant!

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.

I'm kind of a big deal.

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

How did pharaohs get all the money for their fancy tombs?

Through pyramid schemes.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.

Turned out it was the anty pasto.

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

On New Year's Eve, a man arrives at a fancy dress party completely naked

"I'm a turtle" he says

Oh.. Who's on your back?

"That's Michelle" he replies

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

I went to a fancy dress party dressed up as an egg.

When I got there I saw this cute girl in a chicken costume!

So I said to her: "Are we going to find out, or what?"

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

There was a belly-dancer at a fancy Turkish restaurant last night!!!! We were all speechless & stunned.

I just wish he didn’t insist on doing an encore at our table.

What kinda fancy footwear does Mr.Peanut wear?

Cashews

What's the difference between a fancy dinner party and cannibalism?

Swapping an "I" for and "O".

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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A guy takes his wife to a fancy company dinner.

He proceeds to get very drunk and then blacks out.

The next morning, he asks his wife what happened.

"You got wasted and acted like an ass. Your bossed was very angry with you," she said.

"Well, piss on him!" the man grumbled.

"You did," she replied, "and he fired you."...

A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant to eat and they have a dress code.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

**Host** Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

**Host** Alright.... I guess you ha...

I just watched a video about fancy drills

It was pretty boring

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

Why do the military wear fancy uniforms?

To minimize the amount of casual tees.

All these new fancy 4K, 5K even 8K TVs, and here I am with no TV.

And that's 0K

After repeatedly denying it, I eventually accepted that I have a fetish for using fancy words and phrases to describe things.

I've finally come to terms with it.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

I went to one of those fancy restaurants yesterday...

And boy, do they specialise. They specialise. There's the coffee waiter, he gives you coffee. There's the salad waiter, he gives you salad. There's the head waiter

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

A guy turns up to a fancy dress party with nothing on but carrying a woman on his back,

When the host opens the door he asks “this is supposed to be a fancy dress party, what have you come as!?”
The guy replies “I’m a tortoise, this is Michelle”

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

My friend said he’s going to a fancy dress party as a small island off the coast of Italy

I said “don’t be Sicily”

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right ...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

A Prince was visiting a small, unknown village wearing a fancy hat made from the hair of a fox...

The villagers asked the Prince, "That is a magnificent hat you have, what made you decide to wear it?"

"Well", said the Prince, "I was telling the Queen about my plan to visit your small village and she replied, 'Wear the fox hat?' And that's why I'm wearing it today"

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter."

But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance."...

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.


With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

*at a fancy restaurant* Server: So, how did you find the food sir?

Me: It was easy. You put it on a plate and kept the plate right in front of me.

At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

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A man with a wooden eye watches people at the dance...

After always being the butt of jokes or bullying, he was scared to ask any girl to dance with him. He always had a fancy for Betsy, who was born with a hairlip. He always figured since they shared a similar fate, she might sympathize with him. He finally mustered up enough courage and asked Betsy, "...

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

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Why don't Boxers don’t have sex before a fight?

They don’t fancy each other.

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

I was in a fancy lingerie shop and asked the women behind the counter "Are these panties satin?"

She said "No they are all new"...

I ate pelican at a fancy restaurant.

The service was fantastic but the bill was enormous.

What do fancy horses drink?

Chardoneigh.

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

Billionaires saying they will donate their wealth to charity

... is just a fancy way of saying "Over my dead body".

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

A Photon Checks into a Fancy Hotel

The bellhop says: " Will you be needing help with your bags?"
"No thanks," the Photon replies, "I'm travelling light."

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"
"That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

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fancy dress party

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p\*nis.

A Lady asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I ...

What do you call a fancy Lunchable?

A Luncheonable

It was the day of my anniversary, and I had forgotten to buy my wife a present.

In a panic, I told her that my gift was that I would cook her whatever she wanted for dinner. She said she'd always wanted to try escargot, a fancy French dish made of snails and she wanted me to go out and buy them. So I went out and bought a bag of snails, but it was early in the evening so I thou...

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked woman on his back

Someone asks him “what are you supposed to be”

He says “I’m a turtle”

And the other person says “well who’s she”

And he says “that’s Michelle”

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat!"

The wife: Honey, you say your prayer before eating at home.

The husband: Honey, that's at home. Here the chef knows how to cook.

My friend had this really fancy business meeting...

He had this special outfit prepared, but he needed it to be properly fitted, to look nice. I offered to do it but he said he could do it himself



"Fine," I said...


"Suit yourself"

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Fancy dress party

A factory hired two new <insert ethnic minority here> employees.
At lunchtime the HR dept officer tells them about the factory annual fancy-dress party that just happens to be on Saturday night.
"now guys, this'll be a great way to bond with your new co-workers, we are having a costume...

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

So a BMW rolls up on a tesla and says "you wouldn't even run without all those fancy computers and screens"

The tesla responds "OK BEAMER!"”

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

Went to a fancy restaurant and ordered tuna, but they brought something else instead

Obvious catfish situation

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A rich guy is having a fancy party

A rich guy is having a fancy party
So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at th...

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

The Amaretto Joke

(Mentioned this in the comments of another joke and seems like no-one knew it by reference so here goes.)

Three best girlfriends meet for lunch after not seeing each other for a while and the topic turns to the latest news in their lives and as it turns out all three of them have started seei...

What do you call a really fancy stick?

A Louis baton.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

What do you call a country of fancy clothes?

Sueden

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

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An upcoming director (Tim) is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant,,

The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Coul...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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A man walks into a very fancy restaurant...

"Alright!" The man yells. "Where's the fucking manager?" The manager quickly comes to the front desk and asks "would you mind keeping your voice down and avoiding such language."

"Shut up, you cocksucker!" The man replies. "Your sign says your looking for a pianist. So where the fuck's your p...

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

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Fancy dress party fun

Jimmy has a fancy dress party... the theme being emotions.

the party is getting underway, Jimmy’s first guests arrive, a couple ...the girl is dressed as a huge heart (love) the guy is wearing a green t shirt with the letters n and v on ....(a very original green with envy )

There i...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

What did the boy wasp say to the girl wasp?

"Hey beautiful, fancy having a little grub together?"

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Three Jamaican guys were invited to a fancy dress party where people had to dress up as an emotion.

The first one turns up in a dress.

Confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to be?"

"I"m in distress, mon," he replied.

The second Jamaican guy turns up stark naked but with a teddy bear on his knob.

Even more confused, the host asks, "what are you supposed to ...

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A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

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I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

A Joke My Grandma Told Me

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Be...

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Doctors of reddit - please help! My wife is unable to sit.

We were having naughty time on bed while I was blindfolded.

She wanted to try this new fancy butt plug we had bought earlier. Here's the thing: Instead of using the lubricant, I may have used super-glue by mistake.

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says...

I have a hobby of drinking fancy water in elevators

Do you Evian-Lift?

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So my friend and I were asked to a fancy dress party

The theme was emotions...

The host opened to door to me wearing a dress and my friend with his penis on a bowl of custard.

Confused, he asked “so what emotions are you guys meant to be?”

My friend said “well he’s in dis dress, and I’m fuckin dis custard”

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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Ladies night.

3 ladies are on a night out in a Harlem bar, discussing their men.

Lady 1: ".....well, I call mah man Long John on account o' he's got a looooooong John!

*much laughter, high 5's and shrieking follows*

Lady 2: "...uh-huh well, I call mah man Big Dick on account o' hes got a biii...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

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