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Seed Jokes

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

I bought a bag of bird seed almost 2 months ago.

Anyone know how long it takes for the bird to grow?

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

how do you get seeds out of a pumpkin?

Jack-a-Lantern

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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A tomato an orange and an apple seed walk into a bar…

The tomato says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary.”

The orange says, “I’ll have a screwdriver.”

The apple seed says, “oh shit, I didn’t know we were supposed to bring our own juice.”

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Why don't sunflower seeds get laid?

Because they're in shells

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

What do you call a lying bag of seeds?

The seedful.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

some people suck seed to succeed

is it D’s that get degrees?

this entered my brain like a week ago, and i can’t stop repeating it to myself.
it is still plaguing my mind

What do you call cute seeds?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds

P.S. it's my birthday please love me

How do you address an audience full of dried seeds?

"Ladies and lentil-men...."

I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.

Why is Deutschland like a sprouting seed?

They're both a germination!

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

Why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

Because he was on a roll...

"I know how to plant a type of seed!"

"Sow what?"

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

MrBeast sure is good at planting seeds

Last time I saw someone spread their seed that successfully was when Ghengis Khan was around.

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

I dropped one of my anxiety seeds a while ago

It’s a growing concern

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

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A squirrel walks into a bar and asks for seeds.

The bartender hands him a plate of seeds and he tucks in. Once the squirrel is done eating he immediately begins masturbating vigorously.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm a squirrel," the squirrel says. "Look it up."

The bartender looks up 'sq...

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.

The grass cuts itself.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

Bird Seeds

1. Go to the pet store
2. Buy Bird seeds
3. Ask the cashier how long it will take for the birds to grow
4. ???
5. Profit

Another blonde joke

A professor told his class:

"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"

A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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Wholemeal Bread with seeds seems to make my butt sore.

I think I'll go back to using toilet paper.

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Blind man got a poppy seeds bun.

"Who wrote this shit?"

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

My friend begged me to help fund his marijuana startup

I said I was a bit low on seed capital

If at first you don't succeed

Then suck another seed.

I don't recommend buying thay book about the farmland that the farmer didn't finish seeding

It's full of plot holes

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

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a kid asks "mommy how are babies made?"

The mom replies:so kiddo,your dad and i loved eachoter so much that daddy planted a seed! i took care of it everyday until it sprouted,and we smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

“Why are you chewing the seeds?”
“They make me smarter”
“Really? Could I have some?”
“Sure, dollar a piece”

The man agrees and gets thr...

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

A man is driving down an old dirt road

As he is driving he notices there are very few houses nearby, as he is enjoying the scenery he runs his car over into the ditch. As it had recently rained the ditch was slick and muddy and he had found himself stuck. He realizes his predicament so he starts walking. He walks up to a house and see's ...

As a farmer, when i first met my wife, she was not impressed when i didn't partake in planting the seeds of next years crop.

I told her: "That's not my responsibility on this farm.



I'm a grower, not a sower."

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over..

I saw a murder outside of my apartment this morning!

Someone must have dropped a lot of bird seed to get all those crows to gather like that

I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

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Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

Tale of the banana.

There once was a young man who was so enthralled with bananas that he decided to go down to the tropics and start up a plantation of his own. He saved up his money and within a few years, found himself in a jungle city making deals to purchase the land required to start a plantation. This however, w...

This old man approached me.

He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment."

"It's a synonym for 'many', but I can't help you with the first bit."

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

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the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

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