A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.

The grass cuts itself.

A blind man enters a bakery

A blind man enters a bakery and orders fifty sesame seed buns, the baker starts putting them in a bag and asks the blind man ‘that’s a lot of bread, are you giving a party or something?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the blind man, ‘I’m going on holiday, and I want to read them on the plane’

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

This old man approached me. He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment."

"It's a synonym for 'many'," I replied, "but I can't help you with the first bit."

What's green on the outside, red on the inside, and has watermelon seeds?

A watermelon!
Now,
What's green on the outside, red on the inside, has watermelon seeds, and isn't a watermelon?
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Half a watermelon.
That's my dad's favorite joke.

I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

Another blonde joke

A professor told his class:

"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"

A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wholemeal Bread with seeds seems to make my butt sore.

I think I'll go back to using toilet paper.

What do you call cute seeds?

Awwwwwwwwwwwwmonds

P.S. it's my birthday please love me

I accidentally planted some marijuana seeds on my farm

It's all gone to pot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 16 year old boy gets a new job in a big wholesale store.

On his first day of work the manager takes him to one side and tells him to watch what he does with the next customer who walks in. A man comes over and asks if they sell grass seeds. The manager replies “We do sir yes” and then comes back with the seeds. He then says “And how long would you like yo...

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

The Sesame Seeds on his buns.

(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

I bought bird seed today.

Can anyone tell me how long it takes for the birds to grow once I plant them?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was young I found a dildo in my mum's drawer.

So being young, I took it to her and said, "Mum, what is this?"

She thought for a moment. "It's a stick," she replied, "I use it to help me plant..seeds..in the soil..."

"Oh," I hesitated. "is that why it's so brown?"

Sally walks into a pet store

Sally walks into a pet store and asks the clerk for some bird seed
Clerk: what kind of bird do you have?
Sally: I don't have one yet but I hope to grow some!

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the hillbillies...

This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

Bird Seeds

1. Go to the pet store
2. Buy Bird seeds
3. Ask the cashier how long it will take for the birds to grow
4. ???
5. Profit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bear Alert!

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Date Tree

As some of our biologically-inclined friends on her might know, the date tree is a plant that takes about 90 years to mature and begin producing fruit, meaning the original planter of the tree (realistically) does not get to see the tree bear the fruits of his labor.

One day, a wise old monk ...

I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't cum...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't suck seed"

A little girl asked her dad where babies come from.

Dad: "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy."

Little girl: "Does she swallow the seed?"

Dad: "Only if she wants a new dress."

Can a man who sleeps with a prostitute be called a farmer?

Because he uses a hoe to plant his seeds?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together... - the mother began

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

​

&...

A policeman gets wiser

A cop is walking around the flea market and sees this guy selling apple seeds for $5, advertising that they increase intelligence. The cop goes to him and says "you really should not be doing that, cheating people like that and all." The guy says "listen I am not selling anything illegal here and if...

Home depot is the best brothel

The vacuum sucks, the fan blows, the hammer bangs and they have plenty of pots to plant your seed.

A man was walking down the road...

when he saw a little box on the ground. He picked it up and opened it. Inside was a small, black seed. There was a note: If you crack me open, there's a surprise inside!

The man thought to himself, that's an interesting seed. He resolved to crack it open and find out what was inside.

W...

How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

If at first you don't succeed

then seed sucking is not for you

If opening a walnut is busting a nut..

Make sure to swallow the seed!

How many Communists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb contains the seeds of its *own* revolution.

There was once an ambitious prince...

Born the youngest out of 4 brothers.

There was a heated discussion when all four princes were at an appropriate age for being candidates to the throne. But alas, how unfair fate is as our little prince was bested by his brothers.

At an early age he found himself planting seeds of envy ...

Baby Whale

Baby Whale says to Dad Whale, ‘Dad where did I come from?’
Dad Whale says, ‘ You came from me son, I put a seed in Mummy Whale and it grew into you’
Baby Whale says, ‘thanks Dad’
Dad Whale says, You’re Whalecum.’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Answer

My fourteen-year-old son and I were lying on our backs on the grass in the park, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”

And this is what I said:

“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

[NSFW] My girlfriend is an overachiever...

All she does is suck seed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, i used to work in a convenience store...

It's my first shift, and a gentleman comes in asking for nails, I sold some nails to him as my manager was watching

He said to me, mate, that's not how you do sales!! I'll show you how it's done

Before you know it another man comes in asking about some lawn seeds, he proceeds to show h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer had a

Audi Quattro in his garage. He did maintained his car very well. Also he had a horse and few chickens and their chicks. On his field he dug a pitt . Once the chicken were scratching the ground near the pitt for seed and worms the chicks were following them .While doing this the chicks fell into the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man sees an old monk

A young man sees an old monk lovingly planting date seeds in his garden, next to his small hut.

A date palm can take almost 15-20 years before it begins to produce fruit. The young man is curious why this old monk is planting date palms.

He approaches the monk, expecting a wonderful d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Super intelligent monkey [NSFW]

A man walked up to a zoo where a small cage was isolated and "Intelligent Monkey" was written over the board.


Man asked the guide why?


Guide: Give him something to eat.


Man gave him a peanut, monkey took the peanut, shove it in its ass and then ate it.


Ma...

A boy and his pet bird

A little boy with a speech impediment got himself a pet bird for Christmas. One day, he went to the pet store to buy it some food.

He walked in and asked the man working in the store, "excuse me, mister, but do you sell any boyd seed?"

The man said "we do, but I'm sorry I can't sell a...

Sperm banks are like torrents

They both want your seed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australian sitting in a cafe, drinking coffee, eating bun with jam

American comes to cafe,sits down to the Australian and while chewing his gum asks:

"Do you, the Australians, eat all the slice of bread?"

"Of course", Australian response.

Smiling American blows gum bubble and says:

"We do not. In America, we eat only a soft portion of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lad goes for a job in Homebase.

Boss says "let me show you how its done."....... A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower." Customer says, "I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200. "That's how its ...

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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.

A...

Tale of the banana.

There once was a young man who was so enthralled with bananas that he decided to go down to the tropics and start up a plantation of his own. He saved up his money and within a few years, found himself in a jungle city making deals to purchase the land required to start a plantation. This however, w...

Just need to grow

I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know if a blow job is successful?

Trust me, you'll know if you suck seed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

French Bubble Gum !

An American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast.

A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America."

The ...

Law class in Africa...

*Professor*: "If you have to give an orange to me, what will you say?"

*Student*: "Take this orange."

*Professor*: "No. Say it like a lawyer would."

*Student*: "I, Chakubanga, son of Mzee Manoti resident of Mbezi Tanki Bovu, do hereby solemnly affirm & voluntarily & cons...

Two Scotsmen are sitting on a hill.

They are drinking some beer and reminiscing about their youth.

"Macalister, look at our town, I've built a third of those building, so many would be homeless without my work, but do they call me Shamus the builder?"

"No Shamus they don't." Replied his friend.

So they sit on the...

As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

2000 Indian Rupees

It is the month of November a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. De-monetization of 500 and 1000 Rupee notes has been announced and no one has cash.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a ...

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Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.

A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He...

The Sheikh trying to be smart.

Naseeruddin Shah was one of the few courtiers that the Sheikh had for actual advice rather than to please his father's acquaintances.


As such, he tested Naseeruddin a lot when it came to matters of patience and understanding, hoping to know where he put the line between displeasing the H...

Stole this from a friend on FB

One day in a Contract Law class, the Professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "O...

How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!