My wife didn't appreciate my post to r/brosbeingbros about us saving a life while at the beach.

We released a few hookers from fishnets.

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his da...

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

Why do farts smell so bad?

So deaf people can appreciate them too

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Thank you to the reggae community!!!

It only took a few decades, but it’s almost legal everywhere now.

If you can start singing about the rich paying taxes I’m sure everyone would appreciate it.

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa....

I've come to appreciate having a roof above my head.

I'm a ceiling fan.

I only use one pronoun set.

You/people don't seem to appreciate it

I tried to do the OnlyFans thing this year

Turned into more of an OnlyFan kind of thing. Don't get me wrong I appreciate my parents support but...

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

As an Irish-American, I don't appreciate being called a "river dancer" by my own family doctor

Doctor: I said you have liver cancer

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Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

A new Taken movie is being made.

In it, Liam Neeson feels like nobody appreciates the effort he went through to get his family back. So he pays people to kidnap him to make his family see the lengths he went through to save them.

It’s going to be called Taken 4 Granted.

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

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An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

Animal rights activism

I've been getting into activism for animal rights. Always making sure to buy from companies that test on animals because I really appreciate those companies going outta their way to hire and give animals jobs

Will I appreciate the Sistine chapel

If I haven't been to the first 15?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant....

all her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats". But none of them come and touch the man's dick and say " Well Done!".

Moral: Hardwork is never appreciated. Only results matter

I appreciate my yoga instructor

She really bends over backwards for me

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes,

you need to let that mango.

Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

First time posting here, don't know if blonde jokes are appreciated

A blind cowboy walks into a bar, without knowing it's an only women's bar and says "anyone here wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender replies "since you're blind I'll fill you in on something. I'm a blonde woman and I've got a gun next to me, the woman to your right is the national judo ch...

People really need to appreciate sidewalks more

Who else kept you off the streets growing up?

Opened a restaurant called "The Pelican"

Nobody appreciates the big bill though!

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Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

“2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?”

Well, from what I can tell, certainly not odd numbers.

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: **"Hey man, how are you doing?"**.



A little confused I replied: **"Ehm good, I guess."**



To my surprise the guy continued with: **"What ya doin'?"**


<...

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

A New York accountant asks to borrow his friends car...

He says, "I promise it'll be worth you're while, I'd-appreciate it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On th...

I would appreciate it if we stopped posting Holocaust Jokes. They're not funny, witty, or humorous. My Grandpa died in the Holocaust

He fell off the Guard Tower

Someone donates a kidney and is loved and appreciated...

But when I donate 5 kidneys I get arrested...

My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

What do you call someone who works for U-Haul and doesn't appreciate poetry?

An unmoved mover.

A doctor and Veterinarian are sitting at a bar after a long day of work.

After a couple beers the Veterinarian turns to the doctor and says:

“You know I thought about becoming a doctor instead of going to vet school. How is it?”

The doctor replies:

“It’s not so bad. The hours are long and the work is exhausting, but the pay is good, you’re an appreci...

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A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.

He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the be...

I'm no linguist, but all Germans really appreciate memes.

They always say 'feeling dank'

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

I clean my kids’ aquariums but they don’t appreciate it...

It’s a case of “tanks but no thanks.”

Appreciated

This joke is under “appreciated”

Many people do not appreciate when I make cake for them.

Instead they say things like "How did you get into my house?!"

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

My friend said that I should appreciate my next date.

It doesn't grow on trees, he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a classical music connoisseur enjoy sex more

Because they appreciate Debussy

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

You have to appreciate how badass those Chinese are...

They made a language totally out of tattoo symbols.

What do you do when you meet a fellow anime watcher appreciates the theme song of an anime you like?

Kill him, it's an opening.

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

Why does the dog not appreciate being called fat?

Because he's just a little Husky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got fired from my job fitting interiors and my friend said, "well, when one door closes, another door opens" I said "thanks for the support man, appreciate it"

He said: "It's not support, you're shit at fitting doors"

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me ...

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home

It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun

English is not my first language but I think my boss appreciates me

He always says I am this functional!

[Help] please help me find reasonably clean jokes to tell at a wedding. Greatly appreciated.

I am going to be the master of ceremonies and would greatly appreciate two or three clean jokes to break the ice. Thank you very much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People often complain I wouldn't appreciate their opinion.

If you ask me, this is always bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline

But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day

I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones

There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that

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