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Appreciate Jokes

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…

… you need to let that mango.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Moo-ch appreciated

Thanks for the milk. Here's what I owe you and a little extra for yourself.

*That*'s cow tipping

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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

My father made this joke and now that I’m older I appreciate it more:

Driving by cemeteries he’d ask “how many dead people do you think are in there?”

I’d guess: “maybe a hundred” or whatever

He’d say: “*All* of them”

I guess they didn't appreciate me driving around Berlin with an anchor in my passenger seat.

They told me it was for boatin'

Father’s Day PSA — Not everyone appreciates Dad Jokes

They’re only for the groan, man.

Today at work, some Karen told me she didn't appreciate me being so condescending towards her.

That means I talk down to people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

Appreciated

This joke is under “appreciated”

People really need to appreciate sidewalks more

Who else kept you off the streets growing up?

I'm no linguist, but all Germans really appreciate memes.

They always say 'feeling dank'

My wife didn't appreciate my post to r/brosbeingbros about us saving a life while at the beach.

We released a few hookers from fishnets.

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

“2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?”

Well, from what I can tell, certainly not odd numbers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

You have to appreciate how badass those Chinese are...

They made a language totally out of tattoo symbols.

My friend said that I should appreciate my next date.

It doesn't grow on trees, he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People often complain I wouldn't appreciate their opinion.

If you ask me, this is always bullshit.

Someone donates a kidney and is loved and appreciated...

But when I donate 5 kidneys I get arrested...

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

Why does the dog not appreciate being called fat?

Because he's just a little Husky.

Only cricket fans will appreciate

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" <...

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

I clean my kids’ aquariums but they don’t appreciate it...

It’s a case of “tanks but no thanks.”

Many people do not appreciate when I make cake for them.

Instead they say things like "How did you get into my house?!"

As an Irish-American, I don't appreciate being called a "river dancer" by my own family doctor

Doctor: I said you have liver cancer

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

Appreciating a joke

As an epileptic, I appreciate jokes about epilepsy. As a Jew, I appreciate Jewish and holocaust jokes. As a Caucasian, I enjoy the very few white jokes.

If only I was an Oompa Loompa, then I can enjoy Donald Trump Jokes.

First time posting here, don't know if blonde jokes are appreciated

A blind cowboy walks into a bar, without knowing it's an only women's bar and says "anyone here wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender replies "since you're blind I'll fill you in on something. I'm a blonde woman and I've got a gun next to me, the woman to your right is the national judo ch...

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

Edit: My dad would always tell me things I should post/comment on Reddit. It was our little ...

I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones

There's Norway I'd sink Oslo as that

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

What do you call someone who works for U-Haul and doesn't appreciate poetry?

An unmoved mover.

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people dont appreciate a good joke.

When I say knock knock, youre supposed to say "who's there?"

not "im taking a shit, who are you?!"

Although "Appreciate the little things" is good life advice,

It's not something to say in bed.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irish Catholics [and possibly some Jews] will appreciate this one

Q; How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A; Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

What’s the term for a stoner’s most appreciated friend?

His best-bud

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline

But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn’t appreciate when I went the extra mile.

I threw my girlfriend a leaving party but she didn't seem to appreciate the effort.

She kept saying, "Where am I going?!"

Apparently, this is the most commonly-appreciated joke in the world

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

How do you know the bartender didn't appreciate your drunken pass at her

She's stirring your bloody mary with a string.

[Help] please help me find reasonably clean jokes to tell at a wedding. Greatly appreciated.

I am going to be the master of ceremonies and would greatly appreciate two or three clean jokes to break the ice. Thank you very much

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

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