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Appreciate Jokes

Today at work, some Karen told me she didn't appreciate me being so condescending towards her.

That means I talk down to people.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

Got fired from Rolex after spending the last few months developing a 50-hour watch for them.

They really did not appreciate the extra hours I put in

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…

… you need to let that mango.

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First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest said,

”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people ...

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

When I read haikus,

I don't appreciate them.
I count syllables.

Jacob was a religious man.

He attended church regularly. He was a Deacon in his church. He raised his family to believe in the Lord, but never passed judgement on anyone, believing that judgement was reserved for God alone. When he saw others going astray he would keep his thoughts to himself, unless asked. In short, he alway...

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy.

She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

My wife didn't appreciate my post to r/brosbeingbros about us saving a life while at the beach.

We released a few hookers from fishnets.

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears.

I said what are you going to do with them? she replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.

I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

Trying to find an old "man/woman" joke from 1997 newsgroup

Back in the late 90's, I saw a joke about a man and a woman. They decided they would take turns, writing a book together.

The woman starts out writing this love story, then, the man turns it into a war story and they end up in a huge fight. If anyone has this classic, or a link to it, I w...

So there was this Baker who did a favor for his friend. The friend said "thank you very much, I really appreciate it." The baker replied.

"It's not a problem, it's the yeast I could dough."

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Can we just take a moment to appreciate toilets?

They take a lot of shit from us and they're still there for us.

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"I've come to appreciate the little things in life"

- My wife, talking about my penis

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My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

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Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight

Happy Easter!

Father's Promise from His Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”
...

As an Irish-American, I don't appreciate being called a "river dancer" by my own family doctor

Doctor: I said you have liver cancer

Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

As a Muslim, I really appreciate the Courts upholding religious freedom

Seriously, Praise Be A Law

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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Why can even blind people appreciate a nice butt?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

A sports car is driving in Amish country.

He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Am...

I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

“2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?”

Well, from what I can tell, certainly not odd numbers.

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