I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite

But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I’m trying to pick up girls I ask them, are you Shrek?

Because you’ve got an ass that talks back

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After ...

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you’re in the room both my eyes are on you

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

How do you pick up Syrian chicks?

In pieces.

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

A man is trying to pick up women at the beach...

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu...

What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat?

"I have good news and bad news..."

*spoilers* How do you pick up chicks like Margaery Tyrell?

With a broom.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

A man is struggling to pick up women at the Beach

[short] He consults his friend, who tells him, “Dude, women are into the bulge! Put a potato in your bathing suit, and the ladies will be flocking to you!”

After trying it out a few days later, he finds his friend on the beach, and angrily asks, “What the hell am I doing wrong? The ladie...

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around...

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm ve...

Went to pick up my car after a service

I was told the keys had been locked in it.

I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to t...

If you want to pick up women, become a mortician.

I heard girls drop dead for them.

Pick up line: Girl are you an oreo?

Cos I wanna open you up and lick all the good stuff inside

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There a...

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman visits the doctor to pick up her results

Doc: The tests are back and you’re obese

Patient: I know, it runs in the family

Doc: No one runs in your family, you fat cunt

I tried to pick up a letter but I couldn’t

It was stationery

[Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?

Cus you a snack

Pick up line for astronomers

Baby, the universe starts with "U" "N" "I"

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor

(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

Wanna know how to pick up that girl you like?

Hit the gym for a few weeks, then lift with your legs.

The Ukelele is easily one of the easiest instruments to pick up.

They're very light!

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...

There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill Cosby's pick up line...

"are we fucking or am I fucking?"

I went to pick up from the dry cleaners, but the shop was closed.

They were away, attending to pressing matters.

A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.'

He never returned.

A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.

A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.

The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son’s confused face, he tells him, “It’s for Ron”.

“Wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nervous boy is going to pick up his date for the fist time.

He only met her at a party the week before and her name is Franny, he doesn't want to stuff up her name so he is repeating in his mind Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r on his way to the door. So he musters up the courage and knocks on the door, the man who answers the door is certainly the biggest m...

Was on my way to the club when my wife told me pick up the kid at the shore

Son on the beach

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

Everything I pick up, I drop.

The situation is getting out of hand.

I used to have the best pick up line. I'd get an escort right to their bedroom most of the time. And after spending a few hours in their bedroom with them, they would even pay me for doing such an amazing job.

I miss telling people "I can fix your computer."

I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks

He asked, "What about your wife?"

I replied "Nah, she's married"

How did the Blacksmith pick up the red hot 1000° steel cube with just his hands?

He just held it by the cubes corners which were 90°

What is a Vietnamese sandwich maker’s favorite pick up line?

Banh mi.

Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.

When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

Pick up line for a one-armed gym rat.

I go two tickets to the gun show, you want the extra?

How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s?

With a dustpan and broom.

My favorite pick up line

With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my wife's friend's house to pick up some glassware from the last time we all got together

And my wife's friend walks in and says
"I want you to take off my shirt"
So I take off her shirt, and she says
"Now I want you to take off my pants"
So I take her pants off, and she tells me to take off her bra and panties, so I take them off. Finally, she says "and if I ever catch you w...

How do you pick up a girl from Auschwitz?

With a dust pan

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