Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse.

What are four words you never want to hear when you go pick up your date at her house?

"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen."

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

What’s a developmental psychologists favorite pick up line?

What’s up, baby?

Best pick up lines- I’ll start

If I tell you how much I like your body, will you hold it against me?

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

NSA's pick up lines:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"

How do you pick up a fat woman?

It's a piece of cake!

American trying to pick up UK chicks in a bar.

"Hey are you girls from England?"

"It's Wales!"

"Oh I'm sorry. Are you whales from England?"

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order, but it isn't quite ready. Finally the bartender brings him out a bag with his order. "Sorry about the wait," she says as she hands him the bag. "Oh, no need to apologize," the guy replies. "This isn't that heavy at all."

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts."

She says, "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you." He replies "I would pay you $50 just to see one of them." She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw... I will give you another $50 if you show me both at the same time." She do...

I went to pick up my car

after a service & was told the keys had been locked in, and a mechanic is working to unlock the driver’s side door. I tried the passenger door & discovered it was unlocked.

I told the mechanic, “it’s open!” He replied: “I know. I already did that side.”.

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Best/worst pick up line

You know there are 8 planets in the solar system but soon there’ll be only 7 after I destroy Uranus

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

Why is it so hard to pick up a flea?

Because you have to use all your mite.

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

What is the best pick up line?

One which has a magnet at the end.

Ever tried to pick up a pile of books?

It's pretty heavy reading

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?"

She responded "That's because it's an Evian"

Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!

Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

How does yoda pick up girls?

With force

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

It's easy to pick up any girls

You just need to have upper body strength

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

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A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made...

...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."

After getting some advise from his friends a fellow goes to the beach to pick up some girls.

He comes back alone and sad having struck out saying all the girls just laughed at him.
I put the potato in my swim trunks like you said but it didn't work at all.
I see the problem,his friend responds...You have to put the potato in the front.

I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite...

when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

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Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

Pick up line.

Hey girl, are you an Aztec?
Cos you just stole my heart.

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

Why couldn't the GI tract pick up her kid from school?

He was in testing

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