UPJOKE
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How can a farmer pick up a woman?

A tractor

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

my wife told me to pick up 6 cans of sprite at the grocery store

When I got back, I realised I picked 7-up

Did you hear about the guy who went to Ikea trying to pick up women?

He wanted a one nightstand.

Pro tip on how to pick up girls

Lift with your legs

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

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A teenaged boy goes to pick up a girl...

... for a first date. Her father sits him down in the living room next to their German Shepherd and proceeds to chat while the girl gets ready.

The boy has a nervous stomach, and the stress of wanting to make a good impression is too much for him. He feels trouble brewing down there. Eventual...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

I could hear my wife say, "I know you're there, pick up the phone."

I hate visiting day in prison.

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

The practical pick up line

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a lovely woman sitting alone a few bar stools down, and as the evening goes on, he catches her eye and smiles at her a few times. Amazingly, she gets up, moves down the bar and joins him. "Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you...

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I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care.

They were using cutesy words like 'ankle biters', 'rug rats' and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, 'carpet muncher' doesn't mean what I thought it does.

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Works as a pick up line

"Hey baby, what does your butthole and a 9 volt battery have in common?"

"I know I shouldn't stick my tongue on it, but I still kinda want to."

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

What get's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Best pick up lines- I’ll start

If I tell you how much I like your body, will you hold it against me?

What are four words you never want to hear when you go pick up your date at her house?

"Hi, I'm Chris Hansen."

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

What’s a developmental psychologists favorite pick up line?

What’s up, baby?

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

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A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts."

She says, "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you." He replies "I would pay you $50 just to see one of them." She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw... I will give you another $50 if you show me both at the same time." She do...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

NSA's pick up lines:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order, but it isn't quite ready. Finally the bartender brings him out a bag with his order. "Sorry about the wait," she says as she hands him the bag. "Oh, no need to apologize," the guy replies. "This isn't that heavy at all."

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

I went to pick up my car

after a service & was told the keys had been locked in, and a mechanic is working to unlock the driver’s side door. I tried the passenger door & discovered it was unlocked.

I told the mechanic, “it’s open!” He replied: “I know. I already did that side.”.

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

Why is it so hard to pick up a flea?

Because you have to use all your mite.

What is the best pick up line?

One which has a magnet at the end.

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made...

...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."

Among jesus’s disciples, who is the worst pick up artist?

John the bad tease.

It's easy to pick up any girls

You just need to have upper body strength

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

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