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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," rep...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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How to pick up chicks with dicks

Gentle lift them.

They prefer to be called roosters though...

What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

A boss asked his employee what can be done to pick up the pace at work.

The employee said, "Remember that pay raise I asked for a couple months ago......."

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age

and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"

I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite

But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

Did you hear about the Trekkie who was trying to pick up girls at a Star Wars convention?

He was looking for love in Alderaan places

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

Best pick up line: Is your name Medusa?

Cause you're making me hard

just witnessed a chicken try and pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,

ImPeck-able

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Why did the janitor pick up the poop from the floor?

Because it was his duty!

I’m happy with my once-a-week garbage pick up.

But I prefer /r/jokes where trash gets recycled almost every single day.

What’s every mathematician’s pick up line?

Hey baby, what’s your sine?

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

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A man tries to pick up a woman from the bar. [NSFW]

Man: Hey baby, what's it gonna take for me to take you home?

Woman: I want 9 inches and I want it to hurt.

Man: How about I fuck you 3 times and hit you with a chair?

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

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When I’m trying to pick up girls I ask them, are you Shrek?

Because you’ve got an ass that talks back

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Did you hear about the rope that won't pick up it's own slack?

Some things just can't be taught.

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John goes to pick up his girlfriend for a date, and meet her dad for the first time.

As he walks in the house, he's greeted by his girlfriend's father who explains she is still getting ready and will be down shortly. They move to the living room where the family dog, Butch, is laying on the floor next to where John is sitting. John had pretty bad gas, and the room was silent. After ...

What's the best way to pick up women?

Use your legs, not your back.

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Here's a pick up line for girls to use

Walk up to a guy, grab his dick and say "Sir, I'm gonna have to check your ED."

Pick up lines for cross-eyed people

When you’re in the room both my eyes are on you

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

A man is trying to pick up women at the beach...

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsu...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

I'm gonna pick up Anthem today and see what shuts down first.

My PS4 or BioWare?

What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat?

"I have good news and bad news..."

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

*spoilers* How do you pick up chicks like Margaery Tyrell?

With a broom.

Went to pick up my car after a service

I was told the keys had been locked in it.

I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to t...

A man is struggling to pick up women at the Beach

[short] He consults his friend, who tells him, “Dude, women are into the bulge! Put a potato in your bathing suit, and the ladies will be flocking to you!”

After trying it out a few days later, he finds his friend on the beach, and angrily asks, “What the hell am I doing wrong? The ladie...

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

I love going to the grocery store to pick up young chicks

12 at $3.49 is really as good as it gets

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

If you want to pick up women, become a mortician.

I heard girls drop dead for them.

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There a...

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Wanna know how to pick up that girl you like?

Hit the gym for a few weeks, then lift with your legs.

I tried to pick up a letter but I couldn’t

It was stationery

Pick up line: Girl are you an oreo?

Cos I wanna open you up and lick all the good stuff inside

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

[Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?

Cus you a snack

Pick up line for astronomers

Baby, the universe starts with "U" "N" "I"

What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in?

A tractor

(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud)

A woman tells her programmer husband: 'While you're at the store, pick up some eggs.'

He never returned.

Everything I pick up, I drop.

The situation is getting out of hand.

I went to pick up from the dry cleaners, but the shop was closed.

They were away, attending to pressing matters.

A cab driver picks up a Nun in New York...

There is this taxi driver in New York City nearing the end of his shift, but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night, so he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps l...

A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.

A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.

The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son’s confused face, he tells him, “It’s for Ron”.

“Wh...

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Bill Cosby's pick up line...

"are we fucking or am I fucking?"

Pick up lines

Are you sushi? Because I like it raw

I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks

He asked, "What about your wife?"

I replied "Nah, she's married"

Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date.

When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

How did the Blacksmith pick up the red hot 1000° steel cube with just his hands?

He just held it by the cubes corners which were 90°

I like to pick up girls at gas station convenience stores.

Why? Simple math.

Everyone knows the Hotness scale of 0-10. However, not many know the amount of people at each level.

Assuming 7.4 Billion people there are:

~5 billion 5's

~1 billion 6's

~100 million 7's

~9 million 8's

~220 thousand 9's

~2 tho...

How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s?

With a dustpan and broom.

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