I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

Best pick up lines- I’ll start

If I tell you how much I like your body, will you hold it against me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

NSA's pick up lines:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

How do you pick up a fat woman?

It's a piece of cake!

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order

A guy walks up to a bar to pick up his carry out order, but it isn't quite ready. Finally the bartender brings him out a bag with his order. "Sorry about the wait," she says as she hands him the bag. "Oh, no need to apologize," the guy replies. "This isn't that heavy at all."

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women.

I went to pick up my car

after a service & was told the keys had been locked in, and a mechanic is working to unlock the driver’s side door. I tried the passenger door & discovered it was unlocked.

I told the mechanic, “it’s open!” He replied: “I know. I already did that side.”.

I placed an order to pick up some food for dinner.

The person taking my order asked for a name and number. I said, “Stephen... and let’s go with 7”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts."

She says, "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you." He replies "I would pay you $50 just to see one of them." She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw... I will give you another $50 if you show me both at the same time." She do...

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best/worst pick up line

You know there are 8 planets in the solar system but soon there’ll be only 7 after I destroy Uranus

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

Why is it so hard to pick up a flea?

Because you have to use all your mite.

Why didn’t the cat pick up his trash?

Because kitty litter!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

What is the best pick up line?

One which has a magnet at the end.

Ever tried to pick up a pile of books?

It's pretty heavy reading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?"

She responded "That's because it's an Evian"

Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!

Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

How do you pick up a country girl?

A tractor

How does yoda pick up girls?

With force

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

It's easy to pick up any girls

You just need to have upper body strength

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made...

...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."

I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite...

when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

Pick up line.

Hey girl, are you an Aztec?
Cos you just stole my heart.

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

Why couldn't the GI tract pick up her kid from school?

He was in testing

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

I WENT to the chemist to pick up a prescription..

The pharmacist said to me, “When taking this medication you may experience irritability, and pain in your hand and wrist. And that’s just from trying to get the cap off.”

Failed serial killer pick up line:

Hey baby, that dress looks good on you.

You know what else would look good on you?

Three feet of dirt.

You know how to pick up a zoologist?

Send them dik-dik pics.

I have loads of pick up lines about unemployed people...

Unfortunately, none of them work

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.