What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue…

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

Pick up lines change as you get older.

In your 20's - I have an original 1965 Ford Mustang.

In your 40's - I have an original Picasso.

In your 60's - I have my original hips

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

What is the best pick up line?

One which has a magnet at the end.

A chauffeur goes to pick up the pope

Upon arrival the pope tells the chauffeur that he never gets to drive anymore and pleads with him to let him behind the wheel for a little while. Being a good catholic boy, he accepts the pope's request and takes a seat in the back off the car.

Once the pope is behind the wheel, the chauffeur...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?"

She responded "That's because it's an Evian"

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

How do you pick up a country girl?

A tractor

It's easy to pick up any girls

You just need to have upper body strength

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Christopher Reeves went to the cobbler to pick up a pair of boots he was having custom made...

...he asked the cobbler if the pair he was working on was his to which the cobbler replied, "No, wrong Christopher. These boots were made for Walken."

I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite...

when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

Pick up line.

Hey girl, are you an Aztec?
Cos you just stole my heart.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

I like to pick up women at Cover Band concerts.

Since I already know they are willing to settle.

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.

1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.

1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.

1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).

1....

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

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Best pick up line for 2020

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The FBI wants to steal my penis,
Can I hide it inside you?

Why couldn't the GI tract pick up her kid from school?

He was in testing

I WENT to the chemist to pick up a prescription..

The pharmacist said to me, “When taking this medication you may experience irritability, and pain in your hand and wrist. And that’s just from trying to get the cap off.”

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

A biker tries to pick up a girl in a nightclub

She thinks "Big hands, big feet, I'll try him out."

As she walks home in the morning, she thinks "Well, two out of three ain't bad!"

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

Pick up lines: Girl are you a microwave

Because mmmmmmmmmmm

I have loads of pick up lines about unemployed people...

Unfortunately, none of them work

You know how to pick up a zoologist?

Send them dik-dik pics.

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A man asks his wife to pick up some cigarettes

She comes home with rolling papers and tobacco.

When he asks why, she said they were cheaper this way and he could just roll his own.

A few weeks later wife calls him and asks if he'll pick up some tampons.

When he gets home, he hands her cotton balls and string and tells...

My only plan for tomorrow is to pick up my new eyeglasses

After that, I'll see what happens.

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When you stop by the animal shelter to pick up a dog that's great. But...

When you stop by the women's shelter to do the same everyone loses their fucking mind.

Lets go pick up some tranny hookers...

Or, as they call them on Tatooine, "Power converters."

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Hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

**Uber:** sure

**me:** Cool, I’ll cancel the hearse.

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

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