UPJOKE
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Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

Project manager

Is a person that thinks nine women can make a baby in a month.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

Little Johnny’s art projects

Little Johnny’s parents are concerned about the art work he is bringing home from school. All the coloring is brown or black. Could this indicate a mental health problem?

They take him to a psychologist. The psychologist wants to see Johnny at work on art and gives him a sheet of paper a...

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Tunnel project

A japanese, a german and a Turkish company are fighting to take a tunnel project from a government to complete.

The germans say they start digging from one end and get out from the other end and deliver one tunnel.

The japans say they would start digging from the both end and meet at ...

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

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A good software project is like a fart.

With too much pressure it'll turn to shit.

A classic project management joke.

A woman can give birth in 9 months.

A project manager thinks that 9 women can give birth in 1 month.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

At my funeral I want to invite everyone I ever did a group project with in school.

This way, if they lower my casket or fail to show up, they can let me down one last time.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

True story: my org is discussing the new name for our next project...

Our current project "Servicing 2" is finishing soon. There is discussion around naming the next version, and "Servicing X" came from a "trendy" exec. I mentioned a good abbreviation could be "ServX". I'm waiting for either a commendation or a write-up.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

Even construction workers are getting tired of endless road projects.

I saw them putting up a protest sign today that said "End Construction"!

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

Microsoft has hired a new project manager: Hermione Granger...

She's in charge of spell-check.

What did Christo and Jean-Claude say at the beginning and end of every project?

“All right folks, let’s wrap it up”

Little Johnny and the drawing project

One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided ...

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

so I am currently working on a new Cologne as a little side project! it's aimed specifically at introverts, and while I don't have a definitive smell, I got the name down.

"Leave Me The Fuh Cologne"

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

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I went up to my dad and said “can I ask you a question for a school project?”

He said “sure son, what do you need to know?”

I asked him, “dad, what’s politics?”

He told me “well son, let’s use our home as an example. I make the money, so I am capitalism. Your mom controls and administers the money, so let’s call her the government. We take care of what you need ...

My daughter came home with her high school art project the other day...

It was a painting she titled "Raining Cheerios".

I asked why she would do a painting of cheerios falling from the sky.

She said: "Because I'm a cerealist"

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

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What’s the difference between a project manager and a person who poops?

The person pooping gets shit done.

My silo photography project did not go well at all.

Every picture turned out grainy.

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

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A Teacher Assigns a Project to her Students...

The assignment was to think of a story in your life that has a good moral, then share that story with the class. On the day everyone had to present their story, everyone went but Mike.
"Mike," the teacher asked "What's your story?"
So, Mike stood up and went to the front of the class t...

Projection is something other people do...

They also complain a lot.

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Where are the Super Duper Missile Project offices located?

Right next door to the The Ministry of Silly Walks of course.

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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As a single man trying to attract a partner, it's important to project the qualities you desire

Which I understand. But boy.. oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick lately


\~ Norm MacDonald joke read by Bobby Lee

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”

“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

Why did the rocket scientist stop working a project?

He had no comet-ment.

In high school, I presented a project on communism

I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.

I got a C- for my high school sewing project. The teacher's only comment was....

Seams reasonable.

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

What is an alligator's preferred map projection?

Mergator Projection

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

I was part of a group project

With my wife.

I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They s...

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

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Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," s...

I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

Project Manager Humor

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?


Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders.

(why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)

How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree

He brought a ladder to school the next day

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

A wise man once said “Life becomes much more peaceful when you realize you are not responsible for the projections of others.”

…the movie theater manager then proceeded to reconsider his career.

An Austrian government official was given the task to find a contractor for a construction project.

The first to reply was an Italian company which offered to do the work for a million Euros. Then a German company made a bid of two millions. Finally, an Austrian contractor came to the official and said he would need four millions to do the job.

"Why do you need four million Euros?" asked th...

A group of coworkers are sitting around

discussing how much work and fun is involved in completing a project.

First, the junior colleague says, "Completing a project is about 80% fun and 20% work."

Then the team lead replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."

The m...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

4 women were working quietly on a project

that's it

I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

Many people tried to stop my genetic engineering projects, but I wasn't discouraged.

Soon, I'll have them eating out of the hand of my palm.

In group projects, they call me the task manager

I **control** the group, **shift** the blame, then proceed to **escape**

I remember when my cloning project failed.

A part of me died that day.

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How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along?

Sew sew

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

Don and his friend Eva we’re exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project

Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, “Eva can I stab bats in a cave”. She said “no don”. Don then said, “Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave”. She again said, “no don”.

Why did Darth Vader kill the craftsmen for not using varnish to finish his wood death star project?

Because his lacquer faith was disturbing.

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved ...

What Olympic country is projected to win the most medals?

Finland. They always Finnish.

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing?

All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia.
It's causing pandaneumonium.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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Hey girl, I've got a sex-Ed project due tomorrow...

And I need a 69 to pass.

Did you hear about Russia's preservation new project?

The Crimea River

I brought my camera to a strip club for my photography project

I ended up failing because everyone in my photos was over-exposed.

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

What did the astronaut get on his science project?

He received a T minus.

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