Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

Deadass spent 4 hours doing a project on youth in Asia

then found out it was supposed to be on euthanasia.

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with me to lower me into my grave...

...so they can let me down one last time.

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Kids are working on a group project when....

the teacher notices one of the kids isn’t doing anything, she calls him up and says,
##
“Hey! I noticed you were not really doing much, what’s going on?”
###
The kid replies
###
“Well, I can’t work with my team because..”
###
He is abruptly cut off as the teacher says,...

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA’s Grasp-Putin, Russia’s greatest glove machine

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When you’re a single man and trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire.

Which I understand, but boy oh boy have I had to suck a lot of dick recently.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

I got a C- for my high school sewing project. The teacher's only comment was....

Seams reasonable.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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For a school video project, I was partnered with the class bitch

Wanting it to be finished as soon as possible, I told her that I would do most of the project as long as she would stay out of my way. I then realized that my computer was undergoing repairs so I asked her if she had any audio editing software. And let me tell you,


This bitch had the Auda...

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I went up to my dad and said “can I ask you a question for a school project?”

He said “sure son, what do you need to know?”

I asked him, “dad, what’s politics?”

He told me “well son, let’s use our home as an example. I make the money, so I am capitalism. Your mom controls and administers the money, so let’s call her the government. We take care of what you need ...

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am"

The man below says "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet ...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play

but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.

We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.

After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

What do you call a guy that builds polite infrastructure projects?

A civil Engineer

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it.

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Trump didn't finish the wall

He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

Projection is something other people do...

They also complain a lot.

Why is therapy so expensive in the 41st Millenium?

Because The Emperor Projects!

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

What is the most important project task of a grill master at a chop house?

To please their steakholders

Where are the Super Duper Missile Project offices located?

Right next door to the The Ministry of Silly Walks of course.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

My silo photography project did not go well at all.

Every picture turned out grainy.

An Austrian government official was given the task to find a contractor for a construction project.

The first to reply was an Italian company which offered to do the work for a million Euros. Then a German company made a bid of two millions. Finally, an Austrian contractor came to the official and said he would need four millions to do the job.

"Why do you need four million Euros?" asked th...

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

I have been working on my dream project 18 hours a day despite several threats from a large corporation that I work for. Until one day ..

They decided to fire me for SLEEPING during work hours

Don and his friend Eva we’re exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project

Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, “Eva can I stab bats in a cave”. She said “no don”. Don then said, “Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave”. She again said, “no don”.

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Working on a house project with my dad today... I say "Come here, I need another pair of eyes."

He says, without pausing, "i'd like to keep my eyes."

Classic dad joke moment in action.

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree

He brought a ladder to school the next day

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

Why did the rocket scientist stop working a project?

He had no comet-ment.

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

At my funeral I want everyone that has ever been in a group project with me to carry my casket

That way they can all let me down one more time

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

Young mountain climber

My son made a model of mount Everest for his school project.
"Is it to scale?" I asked him.
"Don't be stupid Dad, it's just to look at!"

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

Why don’t A.I. engineers need a resume?

They just let their projects speak for themselves.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

Many people tried to stop my genetic engineering projects, but I wasn't discouraged.

Soon, I'll have them eating out of the hand of my palm.

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

A new CEO takes his seat at the helm of a large corporation

He finds three envelopes on his desk, numbered 1 to 3, and a note.

"Dear successor,
On this desk you find 3 envelopes that will help you in times of a crisis. Open them only in the order they are numbered, and only when you face a crisis that you cannot manage.
Best of luck"

...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

A church is making a Bible translation

A church is making their own translation of the Bible for children. One of the priests says to the leader of the project:

- Sir, we only have one sentence left.

- What is it?

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- That's not to difficult. Do it and call for printing.<...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.

School project: how far can a frog leap

For a science project a student wanted to see how far a frog can leap when you yell at it.

He puts a frog in front of him and yells. The frog leaps 2 meters. He writes this down in his booklet: Frog leaps 2 meters.

He cuts off one of the legs of the frog, puts him in front of him and y...

My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.

“Wow!” Lucy said. “I got Italy!”

“Interesting” exclaimed Linus. “I got Germany.”

With dismay, Charlie Brown said, “I got Iraq.”

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

Boo me all you like, I just made it up.

I was at the local library trying to find a specific sound for my video project; that of a displeased audience. I was repeatedly listening to a variety of samples through the miniature speakers on the desk.

Unbeknownst to me, a lady who was sat at the desk in the next cubicle was growing irr...

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Little Johnny and the drawing project

One morning to spice things up, teacher decided to have a classroom drawing project. One person would start, then the next student would add to the drawing. She asked the students who wanted to start first, so little Johnny raised his hand. Knowing little Johnny had a disturbed mind, she decided ...

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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There was a major research project to find out how men became gay

They found that 17 percent of them felt they were born gay, the other 83 percent were sucked into it.

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

I was part of a group project

With my wife.

I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

In high school, I presented a project on communism

I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.

In the small village the 5G transmitter was built.

Some time after building, the villagers started being angry about it. Soon, they made a petition against it. A secretary comes to the director of the project to inform him about the whole situation.
- Director, you may want to look at this.
- What is this?
- A petition against placing our t...

At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.

He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though Preparation H felt good on the hole.

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved ...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

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