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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover

that your high school class is running the country.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

What do you call a person's tendency to discover drugs in unexpected places?

Potluck

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Paleontologist discovers rare Coprolite

In archeological news, an paleontologist discovered a rare collection of Coprolite during a dig in Arizona. Coprolite is the fossilized digestive waste of a dinosaur, and its discovery indicates that they are likely to find dinosaur bones in the area, and at that depth.

Incidentally, the pal...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

A mummy has just been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.

It's called The Wedding Cake.

The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant

Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilised dinosaur fart.

They said it’s a blast from the past.

This is an actual medieval joke from 14th century Florence:

A Florentine had in his home a young man who instructed his children in the elements of knowledge. After a long stay, the young tutor felt himself so much at home that he had in turn the housemaid, the nurse, and finally the mistress herself.

When the master of the house, who was a jovial fel...

The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America

He replied 'It wasn't me'.

The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'

He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'

The teacher had enough and called ...

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...

...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.

Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.

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The sausage trick

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pan...

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

Scientists have just discovered evidence of cavemen using frogs as condoms

Ribbit for her pleasure

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

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Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a cock on it.

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hi...

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

A Depressed Young Woman

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like...

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

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After trying for many years to turn lead into gold scientists accidentally discovered how to turn any mass into shit!

Simply let Xi Jinping touch it.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy’s apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled “KGB”.

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, “why wouldn’t he just write 1 TB?”

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How was anal sex discovered??

Wrong holeeeeeeeeeeold on...we might have something here

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper.

An entomologist walks into a bar and orders a grasshopper. "We haven't seen you in a while. How is your research going?" the bartender asks. "Great. I've actually had quite a breakthrough. I've discovered that praying mantises don't all follow the same religion," the entolomolgist says. "They're in ...

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

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A mother comes home from work to find her kids hiding behind the couch. She asks them what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Annie was in the house naked.

She walks into her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet, she discovers the...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

I've heard someone discovered a new substance that makes people around it very serious

This is a no joking matter

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

A Hungarian termite discovered the Noble Eightfold Path

They now call him the Buddhapest

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"Bedroom" is an anagram of "Boredom"

How cool is that? My girlfriend discovered it during sex.

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

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A doctor discovered a woman with 12 breasts.

It sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?

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Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on

The 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'l was, but after two ju...

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

It's only a matter of time before the Pi-variant of the Coronavirus is discovered now.

We'll have come full circle then.

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

officer Training School

Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?

NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answ...

A land surveyor is redrawing the state lines in Rural Western Maine…

He happens upon an isolated farmhouse with a bunch of signs that say things like “Maine Pride” , “Parking for Mainers Only” and “Welcome to Maine Now Leave!” However he discovers that there has actually been a zoning mistake and the house is located just over the line in Vermont. He nervously knoc...

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got super angry and said she will never play Scrabble with me again.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

An archeologist walks into a bar

An archeologist walks into a bar, orders a beer and gives a heavy sigh. "What's wrong?" the bartender asks. "I thought I discovered a fully intact dinosaur skeleton at my dig yesterday," the archeologist laments. "Sadly, upon further excavation today it turns out that it was just a fossil arm."

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Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears.

The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Mi...

There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'

After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

Two dairy farmers are in a bar talking shop.

Dairy farmer 1: I’ve discovered a method of making cheese that results in 100% curds.

Dairy farmer 2: no whey!

I discovered the cure for blindness.

Vitamin See

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

The search for escaped psychic Chris Tolbol has ended tragically today.

He was discovered after being hit by a train.

Eyewitnesses state that he didn't see it coming.

When did pinochio discover he was made of wood?

He tried jacking off and set himself on fire.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.

One turned to the other and asked - Shall we walk or take a dog?

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

I discovered a new dinosaur after getting my booster shot...

The Armisaur

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

Why didn't Newton discover group theory?

The reasom is because he wasn't Abel

Archaeologists discover that Rome was in fact built in a day

Slackers everywhere suddenly feel a massive obligation to be more productive.

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

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A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place.

She excuses herself to go change into something a little more...else. Twenty-some minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says, "On ...

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

A human fart is louder than a trombone.

I discovered this at a school concert last night.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

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A man and a woman meet in a New York bar. She learns that he is a deck hand on a commercial ship.

“That must be wonderful,” she says. “You get to see the world. I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I have never been able to afford the ticket.”

“How about I smuggle you aboard my ship. I will hide you, and every day I will bring you food and drink in exchange for sex. When we ge...

I discovered where they keep all the dad jokes

The dad-a-base...

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace

In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown

I’ve just discovered Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother…

Broco Lee

An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road

The driver discovers he has no service and can't call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him. "Hey man, having car trouble?" The driver asks. "I'm afraid so." The driver of the Fiat answers. "Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I'll tow you to the nearest garage!"...

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Scientists have discovered that some dinosaurs were homosexual in a recent discovery

Megasaurarse will be coming to a museum near you

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Social experiment

Social researchers from Oxford devised an experiment to place three men from diverse cultures on an otherwise deserted island. They decided on one man from France, one from Germany, and one from Japan.

The German was told he is in charge of shelter, the Frenchman was put in charge of meals, a...

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

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A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

I have recently discovered that I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sure where to start.

I just want to get off on the right foot.

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I slept with a woman in Bangkok, Thailand. But I didn't discover what she was until we finished...

Turns out, she was Canadian.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

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I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

The great ancient Indian mathematician, Aryabhatta, asked his wife: "Will you let me go out alone & enjoy myself with my friends over every weekend, every month?"

Wife: "What is the probability of me saying yes as per your calculation ?" That's when Aryabhatta discovered zero!!!

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