Discover Jokes - 132 Hilarious Discover Jokes

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe

But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

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3500 years ago, the Greeks discovered that you couldn't get pregnant through anal sex.

700 years later, the Romans discovered that it also worked with women.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

A man discovers a strange tradition at a resort

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were...

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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I just join reddit and suddenly discover that my name is on the front page!

Final Final Edit: Titty sprinkles

A man killed his wife when he discovered her in bed with another man

When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week."

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.

Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover

that your high school class is running the country.

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

In what year were kangaroos discovered?

A leap year

How did Pinocchio discover he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

Just discovered whiteboards

Remarkable

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy’s apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled “KGB”.

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, “why wouldn’t he just write 1 TB?”

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”

Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

A mother discovers some S&M magazines under her teenage son's bed...

She calls her husband... What now? He says I'll be home from work in 5 hours... and whatever you do, don't spank him!

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

I bought a thesaurus but when I got home I discovered that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?

They say there was a mole among them.

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Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

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How was anal sex discovered??

Wrong holeeeeeeeeeeold on...we might have something here

What do you call a person's tendency to discover drugs in unexpected places?

Potluck

Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

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A national newspaper recently participated in a contest to discover the funniest pun

The paper collected ten different submissions from their staff and submitted all to the contest certain at least a single entry might be good enough to win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

Why didn't Newton discover group theory?

The reasom is because he wasn't Abel

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb

When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.

Due to an increase in popularity, koi farmers are discovering an increase in counterfeit fish.

They’ve begun using a lettered grading scale:

As are the most rare of purebred koi’s

Bs are the more common variety purebred koi’s

Cs are mix/hybrid koi’s

Everything else are D koi’s

The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America

He replied 'It wasn't me'.

The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'

He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'

The teacher had enough and called ...

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

My wife loves Call The Midwife but she recently discovered The Crown...

It's just the last ten minutes of the pregnancy

Around 90% of sea creatures have yet to be discovered.

Alright then, keep your sea crits.

Scientists discover diarrhea can be hereditary

It runs in your jeans

I discovered the cure for blindness.

Vitamin See

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

A mummy has just been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche.

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

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When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered

It was like music to my arse

A Hungarian termite discovered the Noble Eightfold Path

They now call him the Buddhapest

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

Julius Ceasar after discovering Onlyfans

"Veni, Vidi, Veni"

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

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A doctor discovered a woman with 12 breasts.

It sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.

Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776

\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

TIL that Drax recently discovered a new superpower… The ability to speak to others telepathically.

“Now”, he says… “I just have to figure out how to hear them back.”

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

The congregation discovered the minister was having an affair with a married congregant

Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.

I think I've discovered the headstone of the world's oldest man!

Apparently he lives to 194, and was called Miles - from London!

How did Al Gore discover global warming?

Algoreythms.

I discovered where they keep all the dad jokes

The dad-a-base...

They all laughed when I told them that one day I’d discover the secret to invisibility

If only they could see me now

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

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Finally discovered a way to stop the wife from sucking her thumb.

I drew a cock on it.

I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.

They've been disliked for sentries.

I found out that I have a fetish for discovering things

I just came to the realization

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

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How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?

Trying to read her own lips.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!

Bad news: It’s eugenics.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

How was honey discovered?

A guy thought “Gotta see what’s all that buzz about”

I discovered a new dinosaur after getting my booster shot...

The Armisaur

I’ve just discovered Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother…

Broco Lee

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

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Discovering heaven...

John is on his way to his home after a hard day of work. After a few minutes of walking he sees a rope coming down from the shy. He's curious and climbs it. When he's at the top, he notices St. Petrus, who is waiting at the gate to heaven.

"So another dead man?" he says.

"No" answers ...

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

Who discovered Victoria Falls?

Whoever tripped her.

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

It's only a matter of time before the Pi-variant of the Coronavirus is discovered now.

We'll have come full circle then.

I confessed to my best friend that I discovered my wife sleeping with another man in our bed. I was crushed.....

"So, what did you do?" he asked. "I told them to get the heck off me and out of the bed."

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

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Am I wrong?

I discovered a month -old text on my wife's phone.
It said, "Babe, I've sent you $300. Give your husband $100 and keep the rest for your sexy self."
I texted him back: "Hi, this is her husband. I never got my money. Please talk to her."

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Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

I've heard someone discovered a new substance that makes people around it very serious

This is a no joking matter

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After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy,

the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said. “Sexuality?! ” the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

environmentalists discover a secluded community where everybody recycles

r/Jokes

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.

The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

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What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

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