A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-ye...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste!" and rides him.

The second nurse does the same thing.

The third nurse, who was on her period, hesitates but does it anyways.



Then the man wakes up, and in complete shock, the nurses apologise, saying they thought he w...

A man discovers a magic lamp

A genie comes out and tells the man "you have 3 wishes! Ask wisely! "

The man ponders for a few seconds and says

"I wish for a world without lawyers!"

The genie claps his hands and says "DONE! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm outta here"

The man replies "wait! You still owe m...

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

I slept with a woman in Bangkok, Thailand. But I didn't discover what she was until we finished...

Turns out, she was Canadian.

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

The person who discovered the concept of time:

Last time I checked, time wasn't a thing.

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Today I discovered my roots are Russian

So shifted the kids from my basement to the communuty parking lot

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

What did Charles Darwin say to the animals he discovered

"Naturally I've selected you all for dinner"

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

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My whole family is struggling as we just discovered Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Grandma though.

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?"...

It's a shame Archimedes didn't discover calculus

He was *infinitesmally* close

Just discovered whiteboards

Remarkable

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

Why was the man who discovered gravity respected?

Because Isaac Newton(s) of things!

Scientists have discovered life on Venus!

I’m going to see if they want my wife back.

A skydiver jumps out of a plane and soon discovers his chute won't open.

As he's plummeting to his death, he sees a man rocketing up toward him from the ground.

As the two men pass each other, the skydiver shouts, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

The man says, "No. Do you know anything about gas leaks?"

Scientists have discovered the gene for shyness

They stated that it could have been discovered years ago, but it was found hiding behind two other genes...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor’s boy,

the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. “It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age,” the neighbor said. “Sexuality?! ” the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

My college roommate was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what he is up to now.

During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

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I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

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Scientists have discovered a food that totally erases a woman 's sex drive.

It's called a wedding cake.

What was the person who discovered milk thinking?

Mmmm, just like mom used to make

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary....

It runs in your genes!

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Where was the first pig discovered in?

SINGAPORK!

I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans.

The older they are, the more maintenance is required.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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Today I discovered that my life is gay

There are too many dicks in it.

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

There was a horrible smell coming from my vehicle and I discovered a decaying parsnip in the boot...

I took it to the mechanic and he said it appears to be a carrot

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I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I discovered that last night I built a chair from Ikea while I was asleep...

... apparently there was somnassembly required.

(Joke from Questionable Content)

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes...

They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.

After a couple weeks, one ...

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

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“One of you bastards stole my wallet!”

[reaches into pocket and discovers wallet is there]

“... and one of you is a magician!”

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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I just discovered I can’t get sick on Saturdays or Sundays

Turns out I have a weekend immune system.

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

I have discovered real life magicians

Whenever the police appears, people vanish.

Scientists discovered that brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born

They become brain-dad

A Spanish man, an Italian man, and an English man are seated together on a flight to the US.

As they talk during the flight, they discover that they are all on extended business trips, and they each spent their last night at home making love to their wives.

The Spanish man says, "I made love to my wife three times, and when it was time for me to leave she cried and cried for me to st...

Newton: I've discovered calculus(1664).

Leibneiz: I've discovered calculus(1670s) Newton: Really? Seems derivative.

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

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My wife came home from the doctor

Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.

I said yes...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

Scientists say they discovered a rare breed of dinosaur known for infidelity

It was called Doyouthinkhesaurus

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What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

Tung was out for a walk on a hot day.

The sun was shining, and the clouds were absent. During his walk, he discovers a man with 2 gorillas by his side. Dumbfounded, Tung asks, “I can’t help but notice you have 2 gorillas there. I was curious as to why.” The man looks up and exclaims “I’m selling them! 100 silver each.” Suspicious, yet i...

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A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep un...

BREAKING: Cure for corona has been discovered in North Korea

New treatment involves shooting patients in the face, and has recorded a 100% success rate in getting rid of the virus.

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

It’s 294 days after the US Election...

...Biden has progressed to 269.99 electoral votes, and Nevada has discovered 26 million uncounted postal votes that were discovered on ‘Storage Wars’. More updates coming soon.

Today, I discovered what DNA stands for.

National Dyslexic Association.

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A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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Did you hear that pirates discovered sex?

They had the first mate

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A man discovers his wife cheating on him

So he goes to a gun store and after telling the story he asks the owner for a rifle and two bullets. The owner asks him why two bullets and he replies "one is for her lying mouth and one is for his dick."

One hour later he is back and places a single bullet on the table. The owner asks him wh...

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

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Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A man discovers a strange tradition at a resort

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were...

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

A man came home and discovered that someone has stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted.

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

I recently discovered that someone had been putting soil in my yard

The plot thickens

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

Scientists have discovered a stone tablet 60,000 years old inscibed with pictographs describing the idea of "the glass half empty or half full."

They are calling the prehistoric philosopher "optimist prime."

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

I came home the other day and discovered I'd been robbed.

Fortunately for me, the burglar only took my lamps. Needless to say I was de-lighted.

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A prince is riding through the woods on his horse.

Suddenly he hears someone screaming for help near the path. He immediately jumps off his horse and hurries in the direction from which the screams seemed to come. Behind a bush he discovers a dwarf trapped under a small tree.

"Help! Please help me, I'm stuck here," the dwarf screams in pain....

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