UPJOKE
listenearcatchseediscoverpick upoverheareardrumfindsoundlearntryfind outperceiveget word

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

I'm so tired of hearing Law and Order jokes.

They've all been done done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident?

Some dick cut her off.

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He owned a warehouse

Did you hear about that dating app for Lumberjacks?

Timber!

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper???

They devoted their life to SANTA!!

Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?

Everything seemed pointless!

Did you hear about...

Did you hear about that guy they arrested at the park for measuring squirrels?

Yep, they got him for critter-sizing.

Did you hear about the guy who got bitten by a radioactive pig and gained super-pig powers?

His name was Peter Porker.

Did you hear about the man who had two left feet?

He went to the shoe shop and bought a pair of flip flips

Did you hear about the dyslexic racist?

He hates gingers.

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.

Did you hear the Duracell Bunny was arrested?

It was because of Domestic Battery!

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

Did you hear of the general that broke Napoleons arm?

He split his bone apart.

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

Did you hear about the killer plant that got prescription lenses?

It could Suddenly Seymour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was in a rush while sexually assaulting an herb?

He came just in thyme.

Did you hear about the guy sentenced to death by wood chipper?

He shall be mist.

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

Did you hear the one about the man who drank varnish? It was a terrible end…

But he had a beautiful finish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices that his wife’s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.



“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

Did you hear about the racist chemist?

He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?…

Cause the p is silent

Did you hear about the Jolly Green Giant getting crushed by a shipment?

They said he died in peas.

Wanna hear my Elton John joke?

It’s a little bit funny…

want to hear a construction workers joke?

I am still working on it!!

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless.

The two men look at each other and shrug.

They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger.

As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless.

The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down t...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They couldn't budget

Did you hear about the rabbi who did the circumcision wrong?

He got the sack

Did you hear about Haley Joel Osment being cast in the Titanic remake?

The most iconic line will be Icy Dead People.

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating a poison shoe?

It was laced with cyanide

Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?

Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

When I hear people talking about water polo all I can think about is

Those poor horses.

They say you can hear the blood pulsing through your veins...

You just have to listen vericosely.

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac with diarrhea?

She comes and goes.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died

He pasta-way

Did you hear about the guy who got hit with a bottle of omega 3 capsules?

He suffered super-fish-oil injuries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the excellent butter churning competition at the state fair?

It was a super spreader event!

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

Did you hear Elmer Fudd opened a distillery?

According to him, it's a whiskey business.

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

Did you hear about the Chihuahua that killed a Rottweiler?

Yea, the Rottweiler choked on the Chihuahua.

Did you hear that the band U2 gave away a free concert?

Apparently, the crowd was very Pro Bono.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new show with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman?

It’s called Myth Understanding.

Wanna hear a Ford joke?

Never mind, it won't start.

Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang ?

It doesn’t come back, it just sings about how much it wants to !

Did you hear that Mary escaped from jail?

She's on the lamb now.

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

Did you hear they just passed a law that you aren’t aloud to laugh out loud in Hawaii?

They only allow A low ha

Did you hear Humpty Dumpty’s egg business posted record profits in Q3?

He had a great fall.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

Did you hear about the new restaurant in space?

The food was pretty good but it felt like there was no atmosphere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the funeral procession?

A funeral procession was going up the big hill to the church when out through the back door of the hearse shoots the casket!

It slides fast down the hill, through the intersection with horns blowing and people dodging out of the way!

It runs down the street, jumps the sidewalk and bur...

“Do you want to hear today’s special sir?”

“Do you want to hear today’s special sir?”

“Yes.”

“Great, today is special sir.”

Did you guys hear the one about the Necrophiliac's Ex-wife?

She was left for dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

You’ll hear me yodel’n

Papa heads in to take a shower and yells to his wife, “Ima head’n in to take a shower.
You’ll hear me yodel’n.
If I stop yodel’n, come in and fetch me out as I’ve either fallen or fallen asleep”
“But Papa, mama cries,
“how’ll we know if you’re just in there fiddle’n yaself?”
Papa re...

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?

He decided to stick it out one more year

Did you hear about those Amish who are running wild when the sun goes down?

They're Amish by day, but mennonite

The fictional scenarios in your head will die with you, like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear

Unless you post on TIFU

Four words you definitely do NOT want to hear...

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

Did you guys hear about the tiny psychic that escaped from prison?

It’s a small medium at large.

Did you hear about the couple who was caught giving head to each other in public?

They were let off with an oral warning.

Did you hear what the 0 said to the 8?

Nice belt!

Did you hear about the tires made out of old clothes?

If one blows, you just change attire

Did you hear about the guy who tried to outrun a car?

He got *tired*!

What about the guy who chased after a car?

He got *exhausted*!

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He wanted more space.

l didn't hear anyone trying to fake cry

But Amber Heard.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?

He hat it coming.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor.

I sent my hearing aids for repair 2 weeks ago

Haven't heard anything since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything that isn't a porn role. It is...

Did you hear about the kid who bungie jumped from the school's flag pole?

He was suspended

Did you hear about the ghost who didn't pay his mortgage?

His house was repossessed

Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal

Did you hear about the parsley farmer that got behind on his bills?

They ended up having to garnish his salary.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then...

Did you hear about the clown car that crashed in the middle of nowhere?

There were 30 casualties

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his phone?

He cracked the case

Did you hear about the buffalo who turned 200 years old?

It was his bison-tennial.

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys hear the one about the orderly sleeping with mental patients?

He was fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

Did you hear about that poor guy who joined an orgy of trained seals?

He got the clap!

Did you hear about the spelunker that quit cold turkey?

He caved

My grandma got a new hearing aid.

“It was $5,” she said.

“What kind is it?” I asked.

“Ten-o-clock.”

Did you hear about the guy who robbed an orthopedic surgeon?

He made a marrow escape.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Did you hear the one about the dead flower?

I think I should stop telling it, it just makes no scents.

Did you hear about the guy waiting to get hanged?

The suspense was killing him!

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the
range of her hearing."

That night, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

Did you hear the one about the guy with three really deep holes in his yard?

Well, well, well

Did you hear they just opened the worlds largest Lego store in Las Vegas?

People are lining up for blocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the tampon thief?

He was caught red-handed.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Don't worry, he eventually woke up.

Did you hear about the lady who went out fishing with a group of men?

She came back with a red snapper.

Did you hear about the man who carved a wooden car, with wooden seats and wooden wheels, and a wooden engine?

It wooden go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

Did you hear about the Russian coyote that got his leg caught in a trap?

He chewed 3 legs off and was still trapped.

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

Did you hear about the girl who drank bleach as a joke?

She did it ingest

If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him ....

is he still wrong?

Did you hear about the lumberjack competition?

Apparently it was won by tree fellers from Ireland

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.