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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

Did you hear what Emma Watson's new pronouns are?

(Her, My & He)

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

Did you hear of the mathematician who’s terrified of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it

then my illegal logging business is a success

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Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de brie.

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that..

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

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[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

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Did you guys hear about the new taliban inflatable sex dolls?

They blow themselves up!!!!

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

wanna hear a big brain joke?

Argon Chloride

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

Did hear about the math teacher who took off all her clothes and went swimming in a lake?

She came out with an algae-bra.

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

Did you hear about the first restaurant on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pterodactyl is extinct.

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

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Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

He was half nuts!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

Want to hear a roof joke?

The first ones on the house

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Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

Yeah, neither did he

Did you hear the pope caught bird flu?

He got it from a cardinal.

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

It's ok, he woke up

'Wanna hear my Batman impression?"

‘Sure.’

‘Oh no! Kryptonite!’

‘That’s Superman.’

‘Thanks man. I’ve been practicing.’

Did you hear about the constipated logician?

He was able to de-deuce himself through reasoning.

What would you hear if you had Michael Jackson and Kanye West in the same room?

YE-YE.

You hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke?

The Horse took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

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Did you hear about the defense attorney that used to be a prostitute?

He helped a lot of people get off.

Did you hear Twisted Sister performed for the "Geologist of the Year" award ceremony?

They played "I Won A Rock!"

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong current.

What do you call the grim reaper with hearing problems?

Deaf..

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

Did you hear about the woman who left a zucchini in her car while she went shopping?

When she got back, someone had broken in and left her three more.

I got hearing aids last week

I shouldn't have used that q-tip I found on the men's room floor.

Did you hear the news about Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings?

Apparently, Shang Chi is notorious for never answering his phone

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

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Did you hear about the guy that had 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

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Did you hear that Alabama banned sex in the Doggystyle position?

They said that you should never turn your back on your family.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

How do trains hear?

With their engineers

Jesus on the cross

It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.

Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus call...

Did you hear about the train engineer from Mexico that was arrested for terrorism?

Authorities say he had loco motives.

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

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Hear about the vampire who quit his job at the Amusement Park?

He used to set up the Hall of Mirrors but he just couldn't see himself doing it anymore.

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

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I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

"I hear you just got married again."

Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again."

Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time."

Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?"

Joe: "They all died, Jim."

Jim: "How did that happen?"

Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms."

Jim: "How terrible! And your sec...

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they’re a-maize-ing!

Did you hear about the reincarnated Swede?

He was Bjorn again.

I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired.

It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.

Did you hear about the nudist who violated the colony rules?

They were caught with their pants up.

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

Did you hear about the unintelligent phlebotomist?

He was a bloody idiot!

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Did you hear Disney is making Austin Powers into a Jedi?

It's called Obi-have

Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint?

Apparently the whole crew was marooned.

Did you guys hear Djokovic started an airline for the unvaccinated?

It's called Novaks Airlines.

What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not really Willie Nelson.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

So two men are in coffins, one of them hears a sound, so he says to the other: “are you coffin in there?”

Fun fact: this is how they tested if my laughing gas was working at the dentist. I laughed my but off so they knew it was working.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

Did you hear about the man who bought a wig from the dollar store?

It was a small price toupee.

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

As a joke, I tied my friend up, took him to the middle of the woods, and stuffed his mouth with a cloth so nobody could hear him scream.

I'd say it was a pretty good gag.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

One of the Three Stooges was reincarnated as a popular rapper, but he couldn't hear very well.

Moe's deaf

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

Wanna hear something really funny?

Comedy

Did you hear the one about the suicidal soviet pilot?

He was a commie-kazi.

Did you hear about the lawyer who moonlights as a U2 impersonator?

He calls himself Pro Bono.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

What's one thing you'll never hear a Hindu say?

"Ah well, you only live once."

Did you hear about the latest Messianic cult that has sprung up around a Mexican guy in Korea?

They're calling him The Choseon Juan.

Did you hear the one about the dollar bill factory?

Never mind, it doesn't make cents

Did you hear about the magician that had chocolate in his shirt?

He had some Twix up his sleeve

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

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Did you hear about the boy born with no eyelids?

They used the skin from his circumcision to make his new eyelids.

The doctor said he made it through the surgery fine, but may end up a little cockeyed.

Did you hear about the case of the missing toilet?

It's still unsolved because the police have nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the cannibal with indigestion?

He ate someone who disagreed with him

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

Did you hear Ben Dover has a sister?

Yeah, her name is Ilene Dover

Did you hear the story about the Man Eating Tree?

Well, long story short it was all bark and no bite.

Did you hear about the terrified Blacksmith?

They made a bolt for the door.

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

Did you hear about the depressed potter?

He was doing great, until he cracked and kilned himself.

Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?

Three clothespins held up two shirts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.

GUY: I want to get fucked.

Voice: Sure, slide $20 under the door.

The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...

Guy: I said, I'm here to get fucked!
...

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

Did you hear about the musician who cut himself on a note

Turns out it was sharp, it was completely accidental

Did you hear about the maple syrup company that went out of business?

Those Poor Saps.

Did you hear they discovered the 13th variant of the covid virus?

It's Nu.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who got sent to maximum security prison?

He's being kept in solid-dairy confinement.

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

You hear about the train of thought that got derailed?

It got hit by a segway.

Did you hear about a house built by Microsoft?

It excels in the outlook from its windows.

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

Did you hear about the support group dedicated for people who talk too much?

It's called "On and On Anonymous."

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

Did you hear about that dude who started the mushroom diet? I hear hes a real fungi

this has probably been done but there is so mushroom here

Did you hear about the loner with pubic lice that lived in the woods?

He had hermit crabs.

If I hear one more pun about whales,

I’m gonna krill myself

Did you hear Hellen Kellers birthday was two days ago…

She didn’t hear either

Did you hear about John McAfee?

I guess the old saying is true.

Nobody expects the Spanish Extradition.

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

Did you guys hear about the giant who threw up?

No? That's weird. It's all over town.

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?

He drank himself into an earl grey

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the restroom?

Because they’ve been dead for millions of years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you Hear about the guy who was sexually attracted to the end of essays?

He always came to conclusions.

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

Did you hear about the mathematicians who got a divorce?

There were irreconcilable differences and one was a functioning alcoholic

Did you hear the one about Bach running out of money?

He was Ba-roke.

Did you hear about the cowboy who worked in a bank?

He was the loan ranger.

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