Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

‟What's up?” he says.

‟I'm having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, ‟Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's ...

What does Rudy Giuliani say to Trump when he can’t hear him?

Pardon me?

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willy Nelson a blowjob? (NSFW)

"I'm not Willy Nelson"

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She's having a baby in the spring.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan?

He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Credit to my 6th grade science teacher

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Did you hear about the time a cat got into a mousehole?

Casualties were **cat**astrophic.

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”


Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”


Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”


Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

“What do we want!?” “Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”
“Hearing aids!”

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

It was pretty nuts

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

Did you hear about the lady from England who was so flat she couldn't fill an a-cup?

She was a real manchester

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

Wanna hear a Joke about the Playstation 5?

I would but you probably wont get it.

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,

"This is no time to be superstitious."

Did you hear about the 2 guys that got caught stealing a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

Did you hear they are remaking “The Passion of the Christ” from the Gentiles point of view?

They’re calling it the “Uncut” edition.

Did you hear about the street walker in Venice?

She drowned.

If those who can’t hear are deaf, and those who can’t see are blind, what do you call those who can’t smell or taste?

Covid positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super sex."

"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

Did you hear about the cop who drew his tickets instead of writing them?

They say he was a master of the fine arts.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?

Aria 51.

"Did you hear? We have to wear facemasks now."

"Says WHO?"

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on his homeopathy pills?

He forgot to take them.

Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment?

Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

Did you hear the joke titled 'from seconds to minutes'?

It's about time.

Little Johnny hears a strange sound from his mother's bedroom.

He peeps around the door and sees her lying on her bed, rubbing low down on her stomach and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!"

A few days later she comes home with a strange man and a big bag of candy, and she gives the candy to Little Johnny with strict instructions to sit in front of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the blonde who dropped her gum in the toilet?

She chewed the shit out of it

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over weed?

It was a high steaks game.

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escaped from the zoo?

It was otter chaos

Hey. Want to hear a race joke?

No thanks. This one's already out of gas.

Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America?

We're running out of common cents

Did you hear about the artist that was baroque?

He stole the Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh...

Did you hear about the new Yiddish search engine?

Koogle

A blonde hears on the news that a bridge collapsed and killed a Brazilian.

She gasped, "That's a lot of people!"

Did you hear the joke about rim jobs?

Its very tongue-in-cheek!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

Did you hear about the first female NFL referee?

She threw a flag for something that happened last season.

Did you hear about the Spanish number thief?

He stole uno and dos, then left without a tres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got Covid from eating poop?

He was bat shit crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear of the native maori tribe that got lost in the bush?

It was the lost tribe of wherethefuckarewi

Did you hear about the pig who lost an eye?

He used to blink with both eyes. Now he oinks with one.

(My 3 year old son came up with it)

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

Did anyone hear about the cheese factory that exploded

The de-Brie was everywhere

I told my ophthalmologist father I didn’t want to hear anymore eye jokes.

They just get cornea and cornea...

So did you hear the one about the blind guy who walked into a bar..

..he walked into the tables and the chairs next.

Did you hear the joke about the guy that got run over by a train because he wasn't paying attention?

Yeah, I guess he didn't either

Did you hear about the new website most popular with Alabama THOTs?

Only Fam

Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke

Joke, Joke, Joooooooke

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

Did you hear about the travelling pasta salesman?

His commission was penne's on the dollar

Did you hear about the pig who thought he caught Covid on a plane?

Turned out to be the 'swine flew'

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that guy who was sexually attracted to almonds?

He was fucking nuts.

Did you hear about the music producer that has a large bowl?

He does a lot of mixing.

Did you hear about that new hookup app for pirates?

It's called Yo Ho, Yo Ho!

Did you hear about the candy cane who could talk?

He said what he mint.

Did you hear about the man who had a billboard fall on his head?

He took it as a sign from above.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the couple having sex in the cemetery?

It was a graveyard smash.

Hear about the blonde coyote?

She chewed off three of her legs and she was still caught in the trap.

Did you hear about a Canadian honor roll student?

He gets straight eh's

Did you guys hear about the new museum opening in Paris for funky music?

It’s called the Grouvre.

Did you hear about the prince who caught Covid from his father?

He was next in line to be Coronated.

Why do trains hear so well?

They have engineers!

Did you hear about the blind skunk?

He fell in love with a fart.

Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare?

Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn’t get it.

Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

How do mountains hear?

with mountaineers (mountain ears)

Did you hear about the guy who was fishing from a railway bridge?

He was trying to catch a train.

Did you hear the one about the kidnapper who went to college to become a tailor?

He had a minor in cuffs.

You hear about the hipster that burned his mouth on his pizza?

He ate it before it was considered cool

I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky

KY jelly.

Did you hear about the new facility that opened in Indiana specialing in paternity tests?

It's called "Hoosier Daddy?"

Did you hear Wyoming has a new use for sheep?

Wool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out

They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual

Hey, do you guys want to hear a story about frogs?

I think you'll find it ribbeting

Did you hear about the crime-fighting vigilante who retired to write crime novels?

She's now a writer of wrongs

Did you hear about the part-time chemist?

He only worked periodically.

"Did you hear, Susan's husband died?" "Oh noo. How long did he suffer?"

"Not long, they were married for no longer than 2 years.."

Did you hear about the guy who went around the corner for a sausage?

He took a turn for the wurst.

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

Did you ever hear about Masala-gate?

It happened shortly before QAnaan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one...

About the porn star that gave people COVID?

She was a super spreader!!

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

Did you hear about the frog that had family from Warsaw?

He was a Tad-Pole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the law that bans anal sex?

It's a law that I can't get behind.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?

They were married in the spring!

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

Did you hear the joke about the empty bar that served Sangria?

There was no punch line.

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq?

I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the pornstar who took a second job as a miner?

She had a lot of experience with veiny shafts.

Did you hear my new joke about pee?

'No'
'Thank God no one leaked it

Did you hear about the new drum beat formula that’s trying to fight climate change?

It’s called an AlGoreRhythm.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the dog who gave his own shit a consciousness?

He was minding his own business.

Did you hear scientists were able to grow vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Did you hear the joke about the false piece of cloth?

It was fabricated.

If you want to hear a very interesting story:

send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at the door.

**A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to th...

"I think I might be coming down with COVID because I'm losing my sense of hearing."

"No, with COVID you lose your sense of smell"

"What?"

Did you hear about the Ophthalmologist who told his patient that he has cataracts?

It was an eye-opening experience for him.

Wanna hear a fun fact about the Titanic?

The pool is still full.

Wanna hear a Construction joke?

Sorry.. I’m still working on it

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was icing on the cake.

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

Did you hear about the one man band on the New York subway?

Probably not, he's an underground artist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the horny, dyslexic, narcoleptic?

He kept falling asleep in warehouses.

To those that need to hear it right now...

… Early November is finally here. I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving...

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

Did you hear about the two melons who couldn’t get married?

They can’t elope

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket st...

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