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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then...

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the joke about gaslighting?

YES YOU FUCKING DID AND YOU KNOW IT

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

Did you hear about the lawyer who was prosecuted for having a loophole fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

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Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

You have to hand it to her…

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction

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Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't even close his casket!

Hearing that Jesus loves you is nice...

Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

I hear Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat them cold!

Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

If you can divide by zero let me hear you say hell yeah

HELL YEAH!

No you can’t. Mathematically impossible. Don’t be Pavlovian, i’m looking for actual answers here.

Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with six guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

did you hear about the guy who got all of his left side cut off?

he's all right now

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom

It's for 39 and a half foot poles

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

Did you hear that one about Beethoven?

No? Don't worry, neither did he.

Did you hear about the shellfish that couldn't breathe?

He had prawn-chitis.

Did you hear about the Irish guy who was assasinated at the antique store?

It was a knick knack paddywhack!

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

did you hear about the wine they made from a tire?

appearantly it was a goodyear

Wanna hear a joke about the dollar printer?

Nevermind, it doesn't make any cents

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

Did you hear about Salvador Dali’s brother who was a really good boxer?

His name was Muhamma

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

What did the chicken hear from the egg?

“I was first”

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Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?

I think he got off easy.

Did you hear about the disaster that happened at the constipation ward?

Everyone was heavily impacted.

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?

It's on paper-view.

Did you hear about the man who read a book about anti-gravity?

It was impossible to put down

Dad: Hey did you hear about Maya Hee?

Son: Maya Who

Dad: Maya Ha Ha

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the inventor of spell check died?

May he rust in piss.

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Did you hear about the coffee enthusiast that was arrested for driving over Caucasians?

He loved a flat white.

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at pizza hut?

He's working in the crust station.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

Want to hear a roof joke?

This one’s on the house.

Hey, did you hear about the prison talent show?

They had quite the captive audience.

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

I had a friend over to my house and he told me he could hear my garbage can chattering away. He asked me if I knew what it was saying?

I told him I did not know, as I never listen to trash-talk.

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

You guys wanna hear a Dark Joke?

*turns off lights*
Alright, Knock Knock

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An old guy takes his wife along to his annual physical because he can’t hear so well

The doctor says, “we need samples of your blood, urine, stool, and semen.”

The old guy yells, “WHAT?”

His wife says, “Give the doctor your underwear.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hearing Problems

Grandpa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing problems. The doctor looks in his ear, grabs his forceps and pulls out a suppository. A light goes on in Grandpa's mind. He picks up his cell phone and calls his wife. "Ethel? I think I know what happened to my hearing aid."

want to hear my construction joke?

oh nvm I'm still working on it

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

Did you hear about the agreeable French pig?

He went oui oui oui, all the way home!

Want to hear a joke about a boomerang?

Well, I can't remember it, but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Did you guys hear about the peanut?

The one in Central Park?

It was assaulted.

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

“How bad is it?” the doctor asks.

“I have no idea.” the husband says.

“Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something.

If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing....

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a meat grinder?

Dis-assed her.

Did you guys hear about the shipment of spices that fell into the ocean??

Huge waste of thyme.

Did you hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a kid while in prison?

It was his last meal

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

Did you hear about the Spanish magician?

He would wave his magic wand and count "Uno, Dos-"

And *poof*, he'd disappear without a *tres*.

Did you hear about the bald man?

yeah, he tattooed rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

Did you hear about the Bill Gates Divorce?

Melinda kept the house and Bill kept all the windows.

Did you hear the new Spider-Man movie will be Tom Holland’s last?

He said he will continue the story as a YouTube series. It will be a web spin-off.

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her menstrual cycle?

I heard she has a mean flow

Did you hear about the heart that went to jail?

Reporters said it was cardiac arrest.

Did you hear what happened to the Bald King who couldn't sire any sons?

He died *heir*-less.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Did you hear about the pirate that one the boxing championship?

He took down all his challengers with one right hook

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

Person, “No.”

Well you should have it’s all over town.

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the last thing you wanna hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

Did you hear about the food fight at the local Chinese Restaurant?

Everybody was Kung Pao Fighting!

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog

Did you hear about the Indian guy who loved karaoke?

Getupta Singh

Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the trampoline factory?

Witnesses heard a loud Boeing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

''Did you hear about the magician who was sued for sexual harassment? ''

''No. What was his name?''

''David Cop-a-feel.''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

Did you hear what Emma Watson's new pronouns are?

(Her, My & He)

Did you hear about the komodo dragon that couldn't get an erection?

Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction

Did you hear Fozzie Bear got hit by a car?

Doctors don't know of he'll be able to Wokka Wokka ever again.

Hear About the new corduroy pillows yet?

I guess they really makin headlines

A man in rural Arkansas is brought before a judge for his prelimnary hearing.

"What is the charge, counsel?" The judge asks.

"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."

"You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."

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You hear about that girl that only has sex with clowns?

She’s fucking bonkers.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago

I haven't heard anything since

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

Did you hear about the the road thief that stole all the road signs?

He really pulled out all the stops.

Did you hear they're making a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger's work in comedy?

It's called Pumping Irony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

Why can't you hear a mime in the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the female condor that had chicks with no male involved?

Apparently this is pretty common. My wife had the same thing. She said her doctor couldn’t figure it out.

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that..

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

Want to hear a joke about the Dallas Cowboys?

The Dallas cowboys logo isnt a logo, its a rating

(Credit: unknown memer)

An Irish housewife is at home while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory when she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees one of her husband’s friends and co-workers standing on the front porch.

“Mary,” says the man, “I’m afraid I have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” excl...

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

Did you hear about the teacher who farted on their first day?

Yeah, they were so embarrassed that they quit. Now they're a full time tooter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu—you get what you fucking deserve.

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers.

(Engine ears)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the little boy born with no eyelids?

After they circumcised him the attached the leftover foreskin to his eyes and made new eyelids.

The doctors said he would be alright..

..just a little cock-eyed.

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Why can't you hear rabbits making love?

***Because they have cotton balls.***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?

She was in there so long she peed her pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

Did you hear about the husband and wife astronauts?

They were head over heels for each other.

Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?

he was developing latest hedge cutting technology

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