Hear Jokes - 148 Hilarious Hear Jokes

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

Shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn't it?

I had no idea he was a comedian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because they have been extinct for millions of years.

Let’s hear some car humor. I’ll start:

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine’s pricks are on the outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

"Do you want to hear a joke about the Russian Victory Day parade?"

"No tanks."

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident?

Some dick cut her off.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

Let’s hear your best lawyer joke. I’ll go first.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold the foreskin back.

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" ask...

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that?

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Wanna hear my favorite time travel joke?

You guys didn't like it...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

What’s the worst three little words a man can hear from a woman?

Is it in ?

Did you hear that people in Minnesota are very excited this year?

Summer is forecasted to be on a weekend!

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear of the guy who says he has no butthole?

He's full of shit.

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

You hear what happened when the triangle tried to make all its angles 90 degree?

Didn't end well, I hear it's a wrecked angle now.

Did you guys hear about the CEO of Reddit?

I heard he's a great guy.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Did you hear about the girl in the nudist colony?

Nothing looked good on her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

You wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.

Hitler says "Yes."
Stalin then says "Moscow."
Hitler replies with "I don't get it?"
Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey y'all, watch this!"

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

A farmer hears a knock on his door...

A Farmer hears a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.
The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.
"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.
"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with ani...

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man arrested for sexual relations with a sheep?

He's no longer on the lam.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

No? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

Did you hear about they guy who forgot to take his homeopathic medicine?

He OD'd.

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then...

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Did you hear about Apple's new VR headset?

They're called the iGlasses

What are four words you DEFINITELY do not want to hear?

"Hi. I'm Chris Wallace."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)

So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?

When she flies over, people say:

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's Superman!"

"No! It's Nun of the Above!"

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know...

Did you hear about the mansplainer that got injured?

Apparently he fell down a manhole, but it was a well, actually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy hears about an "impossible to hunt" bear.

So he decides to go and hunt it.
He goes with his normal rifle and hides on the forest until he sees the bear. He shoots three times, but doesnt hit the bear.
The bear turns back, stands, looks at the now scared guy, nods, and walks slowly to him.
- you just shoot me!- says the bear.
-e...

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you hear the put a bounty on Schrödinger’s cat?

He’s wanted dead and alive.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime mates

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...

A plant based diet.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

Want to hear a word I made up?

Plagiarism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

Did you hear about the guy who was cut in half?

At first, I thought he had left us for good, but he's all right now.

Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?

She was wearing mittens.

Did you hear about the crazy guy that only kills on trains?

I was told he has a loco motive.

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the 'no-bell' prize.

Hear about the Spooky French Diner?

They said it gives people the CREPES!

(brand new joke c'mon!)

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

Did you hear about the three old ladies who got flashed the other day?

One had a heart attack, another had a stroke, but the third was too offended to touch it.

Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?

Neither did he.

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to commit suicide?

She closed her garage door

and sat in her Tesla

while she left it running

Why won't you ever hear the song Walking on Sunshine in New Orleans

For the locals, Katrina and the Waves was not a good time

How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.