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Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that?

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

Did you hear the joke about dehydration?

Dehydration is not a joke

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are standing at the side of the road holding a sign that says "Turn around. The end is nigh." A young man passing by in a car leans out to shout at them, "Get fucked you religious freaks" and races away. Moments later they hear a yell and a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says "I told you, we should have just said 'Warning. Bridge collapsed.'"

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman that had twins?

He named one José.

He named the other one hose B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who masturbated into the ATM?

He came into some money.

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

...pretty nuts

Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government?

He was a civil serpent.

Did you guys hear about those two bodybuilders that got divorced?

Apparently their relationship just wasn't working out.

Did you hear about the junky with a lisp?

Said he was methed up.

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

Did you hear about the guy who dated Supergirl and Wonder Woman?

Turns out, he was a heroine addict

Wanna hear an old British joke?

King Charles III

I’m tired of hearing people say British food tastes awful. In fact, British food is the third most delicious food in the world

The first being French food, and the second is food from all other countries.

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well…

Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.

Did you hear about the centipede that was dying of old age?

He was on his last legs.

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

“Hey man, you hear about trump running again?”

“Yeah, apparently they haven’t caught him yet”

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Wanna hear a joke about construction?

Nevermind, I'm not done working on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say,

"have you got a tight, bald cunt?"

The woman answers, "hang on and I'll get him, he's on the couch watching TV."

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?

They say he had Butterballs.

Did you hear about the astronaut who was nonchalant about flying near a black hole?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Ba dum tiss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

did you hear about the guy who ejaculated without a penis?

He came out of nowhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever hear about the guy with 5 dicks?

He said his condom fit like a glove.

What’s the worst thing you can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not Willie Nelson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sewerman who got fired?

He was a shit worker.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Did you hear about the Venetian streetwalker?

She drowned.

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire...

It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Goodyear ?

He was sleeping on the job because he was tired ......

Did you hear the one about the necrophiliac who was into bestiality?

He gave it up when he realized he was just beating off a dead horse.

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

Did you hear about the incontinent woodworker?

He specialised in staining chairs

Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't

Did you hear about the Russian firing squad?

They stood in a circle

Hearing Loss Symptoms

Worried he was losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.

The doctor asked, "please describe the symptoms".

"Well, he's bald and overweight and she's tall with blue hair."

did you hear about the guy stuck in a heavy metal box?

don't worry, he's safe now.

A man is walking by a tall fence and hears people chanting, "13, 13, 13."

The man tries to look over the fence but can't see because it's too tall.

He then notices a hole in the fence and looks through, only to get poked in the eye. The people on the other side then start chanting, "14, 14,14."

You ever hear the one about the gas lighter?

No, you didn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown that serves, sweetbreads, pate’ haggis and scrapple?

It’s offal.

Did you hear about the guy who got addicted to eating thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge?

He had to quit cold turkey.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Two siblings are arguing, then one puts his hand level with his head and says “I’ve had it up to hear with you.”

The second sibling steps back takes a breath and speaks. “You know what? Fine.” He leaves, and years later is set to go to the moon. Once there on the televised broadcast he tells his brother, with his palm facing the earth, “I’ve had it to here.”

Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick?

It was just a stage he was going through.

Wanna hear about my appliances?

My fan blows me away, the fridge is pretty cool, the vacuum sucks and the air ventilator just sits there and collects dust

Q: Did you hear that Quasimodo is on strike?

A: Doesn’t ring a bell!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Peter Dinklage joined a gang

It was the 3’6” Mafia

Yes, I know I’m going to hell.

Did you hear about the fat criminal?

We thought we shut him down.

Turns out,

He’s still at large.

Did you hear about the bladder infection people are getting from the RSV that’s been going around?

The doctors are calling it RSV Pee

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the nun who started watching porn?

She regrets picking up the habit.

Did you hear about the fight in the candy store?

Turns out some sucker got licked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who wrote his will on his cock?

It wouldn’t stand up in court.

Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act?

He's called Carlos Whisper

Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Did you hear about Bigfoot's promotion at work?

He had big shoes to fill.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Did you hear about the banana on trial?

He won his case on a-peal

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

Did you hear what happened to the dyslexic pimp??

He bought a warehouse.

Did you hear the tragic story about the man who sat in food coloring?

He dyes in the end.

Did you hear that AWOLNATION is going on tour?

Yeah, they're suddenly really popular in Russia.

Did you hear about the new soap opera that only has specialists?

It's called "Specific Hospital"

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?

He got creamed.

I always hear people chanting "free Britney!"

That sounds awesome, how do I go about acquiring one for myself?

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job at Pepsi?

He tested positive for coke.

Did you hear that the country's mailmen have created their own church?

It's known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Letter-day Saints

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana?

Don’t worry, he’s okay. He won on appeal

Did you hear about the sith lord who went shopping?

He went to the Maul. Everything was half off.

Did you hear about the Russian parachute?

It opens on Impact

Did you hear about the oatmeal cookie orphans?

No one's raisin 'em.

Did you hear about corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines!

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman?

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?

He was Bjorn again.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?

He decided he’d stick it out one more year.

Did you hear the Mississippi governor’s mansion burned down?

It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.

Did you hear? One of the Avengers got hit by a shrink ray.

He's fine, but he might be a little Thor for a while.

Did you hear about the bottom who was hit by a train?

He died doing what he loved; getting railed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids?

They used the skin they removed from his foreskin to make eyelids for him. Poor kid is cock-eyed because of it.

Did you hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran.

This joke might be too old for you guys, but anyway: "You hear that Rock Hudson didn't have too many friends..

..but he had Nabors up the ass!"

Did you hear about the cow...

... that gave world class, 1st prize winning milk?

Yeah, it was legen-dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor

“Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

The doc says "Let's check you out.”

As he looks into the man's ear with his otoscope he says "It looks like there is some sort of foreign object in here.”

The doc takes his tweezers and pulls it out.

“It's a suppository,” the doc expl...

Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.

My feet are toasty, but I think my wife has a hearing problem...

After all, I'm not asking for socks every night

Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the same bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t you hear any Chris Chan jokes?

They get old motherfucking fast

Did you ever hear that joke about Taylor series?

I don’t remember it exactly, but I can tell it pretty close.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie

Did you hear about the car crash in Moscow?

It turns out the guy was Russian to work.

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

did you hear about the curious spanish swine?

Porque Pig?

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?

"Hey y'all, watch this!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctors as she hears a whistling sound from her vagina

A woman goes to the Doctor and says "My vagina whistles when I walk".

The Doctor sits surprised as the woman proceeds to walk up and down the office, all the while her vagina lets out a shrill whistle. He examines her and can find nothing to indicate why this is happening.

"I ca...

Did you hear about the line to meet Donald Trump?

QueueAnon

Did you hear about the Proud Boy drag queen?

She goes by Militia Etheridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the man who had sex with a £20 note?

He come into some money

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Did you hear about the guy who died while on a date with a firecracker?

People say he went out with a bang.

Did you hear about the homeless horse?

His living conditions were unstable.

Did you hear about the man who invested in a rodent cemetery?

He lost money because of the diminishing rat urns.

They say if you put your ears up to a seashell, you can hear the ocean.. But if you put your ear up to a strangers leg..

You can hear a "What the hell are you doing?"

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

you ever hear about Darth Vader's other daughter, Ella Vader?

She's really going up in the world.

Did you hear about the knife thrower who started using volunteers as a part of his show?

Yea they're a part of his target audience

Did you hear about the turban-wearing rapper?

He was laying down some Sikh beats.

Did you hear the story about the two silkworms that decided to compete in a race against each other?

They wound up in a tie.

Did you hear about the blind rabbi that missed when he was trying to perform a circumcision?

He got the sack!

Badum tiss.

Did you hear about Post Malone falling while performing?

He seems okay now. It was just a stage he was going through.

Did you hear about the passionate aquarium owner who got shut down?

He lost his porpoise!

Did you hear about the guy who escaped being a toilet slave?

He got away scat-free.

Why cant you hear a dinosaur pee?

Because theyre extinct.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

..he made them an offer they couldnt understand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sex worker who was so hard up for money that she agreed to be a bottom in BDSM?

She was strapped for cash!

Did you hear Elijah Wood joined the WWE?

I heard he destroyed the ring.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay, he woke up

Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the molester gave at his trial?

Even the jury was touched.

Did you hear about the Lumberjack who abruptly stopped doing his job?

He just woodn't.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Did you all hear about the one about the evil shapeshifter?

He turned himself into the police!

What to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind it’s too cheesy.

Did'ya hear about the BBQ pitmaster who got a really bad massage?

It was all his fault though, he asked for a "Dry Rub."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Lego prostitute?

They’ve got customers lined up for blocks.

Did you hear about the proctologist who became a mechanic?

For his first test, he disassembled and reassembled an engine.

His teacher gave him 150%: 50% for disassembling it, 50% for reassembling it, and another 50% for doing it through the exhaust.

Did you hear about the hunchback who lost his job?

He doesn’t ring any bells?

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