People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says...

WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the orgy at the circus?

It was fucking intense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.

GUY: I want to get fucked.

Voice: Sure, slide $20 under the door.

The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...

Guy: I said, I'm here to get fucked!
...

Did you hear about the mathemitician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor asking for a surgery so his penis was long enough to touch the floor.

He woke up after the surgery and the doctor had removed both of his legs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you Hear about the guy who was sexually attracted to the end of essays?

He always came to conclusions.

Do you want to hear my Batman impression?

- Sure
- "Oh no, Kryptonite!"
- That's superman
- Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the hooker who got a colostomy?

Now she's getting action on the side!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled?

He made a dill with the devil.

Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath?

He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?

He had a total meltdown

Did you hear the joke about coronavirus?

Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around!

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?

It was for back taxes.

Did you hear about the recent lottery winner? It was the Old Woman In A Shoe, seriously! Guess where she lives now?

Beverly Heels.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

When you listen to rock backwards you hear satanic messages, what do you get when you listen to country music backwards?

Your wife back, your life back, and your dog back.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

Did you hear about the guy who burnt his house down buy overcooking a Hawaiian pizza?

###He should have cooked it at aloha temperature...


I know where the door is.

Did you hear the joke about the leg?

In my opinions it wasn't very fu-knee.

What? You don't like my joke? I thought it was pretty humerus.

Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job?

Everyone got tired of his horsing around!

Did you guys hear about the giant who threw up?

No? That's weird. It's all over town.

Did you guys hear about the fatal accident at the cheese factory?

A photographer was photographing a group of tourists when a huge wheel of cheese fatally ran overhim.

To be fair the entire group was yelling out CHEESE!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?

He didn't win, but he did finish number two.

What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing?

A Def Leppard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

Me: Hey did you hear about Maya Hee?

My fiance: Maya Who

Me: Maya Ha Ha

I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok he woke up.

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers?

He converses with them

So I hear Richard Curtis is making a film about Boris Johnson..

…Three Weddings and One Hundred & Thirty Thousand Funerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the toilet?

Cause they’re fucking extinct

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker.

I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

(One of my favorite jokes for my cakeday)

Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget?

I saw him digging through is feces, so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business.

Did you hear about the jazz trumpeter hired to play a bris?

His name was Mohels Davis.

Did you hear the one about the Stockbroker who got a job at the GAP?

He’s a shorts-seller

Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over?

Apparently it was top-heavy

Did you hear about the drunk surgeon who did circumcisions?

He got the sack

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

.
.
They each got six months.

Did you hear about the funeral that took place before lunch?

Some would say it was in the mourning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Jewish man who kept drawing on his penis?

He was told for good hygiene you have to draw back your foreskin.

Guys, did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space..

Did you hear about the cannibal

Who dumped his girlfriend?

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran

Did yall hear about the Slawbunnies?

SLAWBUNNIES NUTS

Wanna hear a construction joke?

Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.

Did you hear about the guy with an inheritance fetish?

He just wanted to come into some money.

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the last thing you want to hear after sucking Willie Nelson’s dick

I’m not Willie Nelson.

What do you call a furry that cant hear?

Def Leopard

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

Did you hear the news about Microsoft retiring Internet Explorer in 2022?

I don’t know about you, but I’m on edge over it.

Did you hear about the guy who had a crash in his land rover autobiography?

They say the car wrote itself off

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing overly intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs?

It's a long tail.

Did you hear about the Binary War?

It was a disaster. No One survived.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

Did you hear about the Italian guy that got both his arms amputated?

He never talked again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

Did you hear about the Doctor who messed up the circumcision badly?

He quickly got the sack.

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

Did you hear the one about the structural engineer's first day on the job?

It was riveting.

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

Did you hear that doctors were able to replace a stamen with a pistil?

It was the first successful trans-plant.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Did you hear the joke about the fence?

Yeah we can skip over that one.

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Did you hear about the street walker in Venice?

She drowned.

Did you hear about the pimp who took up gardening?

He had a lot of hoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that stuck a baguette up his butt?

It was a pain in the ass.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

Did you hear about the German military's new Cyber Force?

It's called the Softwehr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that made the ass copy?

He kept it for posteriority!

Did you hear about the group of waterfowl that started having an orgy?

They really got their ducks in a row

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.

Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not sw...

Did you hear about the company's idea for a giant sandal?

Turned out to be a massive flop.

Did you hear about the fight at the witch's cafe?

It was bruja brew brouhaha.

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband ...

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Did you hear about the dumb cowboy that got a dachshund?

Someone told him “get along little doggie.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy whose watch fell in the toilet?

He had a shitty time.

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

Did you hear about the Irish car prices?

They're Dublin

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

Did you hear the one about the Irish farmer who won the Nobel peace prize??

He was found outstanding in his own field.

This guy hears a knock. Opens his door and looks down, and he sees a snail.

Snail says, “Hello, sir, I was wondering if -“

The guy interrupts the snail and says, “Get lost!” and kicks the snail across the yard, and goes back inside.

Seven months later, the guy hears a knock. Open his door looks down, and sees the snail.

Snail says:

“What the he...

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?

They say he had locomotives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

Did you hear about that one animal who was blamed for freeing all his friends at the petting zoo?

He was an escapegoat

Did you hear about how underfunded the dog schools are?

They only teach K-9.

Did you hear about the blacksmith who ran an underground casino?

He who smelt it dealt it.

A guy in a dimly lit bar turns to the woman next to him and says “hey you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The woman responds, “before you tell your blonde joke, let me tell YOU something. I’m a professional MMA fighter and I’m blonde. The woman next to me is a professional kickboxer and she’s blonde too. Oh and next to her, a judo instructor. Also blonde. You still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
...

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

Did you hear about the two melons in love?

They want to run away together but unfortunately they cantaloupe.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke, they said they were only into dark humor...

So I turned off the lights

Did you hear about the nurse who kept needling her dead patient?

She was drawing blood in vain.

Did you you hear about the guy who was fired for sticking his thing into the pickle slicer?

What happened to the pickle slicer?

She was fired too

A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...

Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car crash occurred missing the man by a few inches.

The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.



Then jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is getting out of the shower when she hears a knock at the door

“It’s the blind man!”


She thinks to herself, oh he’s blind I don’t have to get dressed as he can’t see me


She goes to open the door and asks him what he wants


He smiles, walks in the house and says


“Lovely pair of tits you’re spotting there, where woul...

Did you hear about the guy who tried to kill himself by jumping into a manhole?

The authorities called it attempted sewer-cide.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?

They hid their own eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who had too much phone sex?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April fuels joke.

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner?

He couldn’t budget.

Where do pigs hear their favorite songs?

On the Ham Radio!

Did you hear about the petite psychic who escaped jail?

There is a small medium at large

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Did you guys hear the next King Kong movie will star Lady Kong?

Apparently it'll be a rom-kong

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