During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

How do you determine the amount of entitled parents that a school has?

Subtract the school's vaccination rate from 1.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

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What is the fastest way to determine the sex of chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

What does a chemist use to determine how good a party is?

Litness paper

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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

To determine once and for all whose superior, God sets Satan and Jesus up with a little contest.

“You will have 12 hours to do the most mundane human task ever,” God starts, “work on a computer! You will create spreadsheets and documents and the like. I will crown the winner!”

With that, Jesus and Satan furiously begin typing away. God keeps their coffee full and rubs their shoulders to ...

War does not determine who is right

Only who is left.

“Some people ask ‘why’ to determine a motive, I ask ‘why’ because I don’t believe there’s any logical reason to do anything.”

-Nietzsche on the habits of road crossing chickens

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TIL you can determine the sex of an ant by dropping it in water

Sinks - girl ant
Floats - boy ant

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To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy.

If *she* runs, it's a girl.

How can we determine an anteater's diet?

Inference.

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

How does a boat captain determine his profit?

By using aquadratic equation.

(Via my coworker)

Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber?

You ask them to pronounce unionize.

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A doctor was running a final test to determine whether the treatment for his psychiatric patients works or not

So the doctor brought the 3 patients to an empty pool and asks all of them to jump into the pool.

The first one without hesitate jumped and landed face first thus considered fail.

The second one took a step back, and looked at the doctor, and he said 'doc I cant swim, I might drown'. T...

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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When Women Complain About Sex

**How To Please A Woman**

* Warm her up first. She's not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever.

* Touch her gently - she's a delicate flower.

* But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy.

* Give her a masculine squeez...

How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?

He looks into his lover's 'I's.

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Two friends were playing a game

The game was where one person would hide a bunch of fake frogs alongside one real one. If the person were to hear a croak, they’d have to determine if it were real or fake. If they thought a fake frog croak was real, they lost. If they found the real frog croak, they won.

Billy was playing wi...

How do you determine the personality of a hot dog?

Give it an Oscar-Myers-Briggs test

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

A new doctor at a mental asylum decided to conduct a test

The objective of this test is to determine if those patients are truly mentally ill or not.

He handled patients in groups of three. He puts them in a room and draws a door on a board infront of them. Then he tells them that there is feast behind the door so he can see their reactions.

...

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An apprentice mortician is doing his first solo.

It turns out to be a 95 yo woman who died of natural causes. The head mortician thinks it should be a simple one to start, so he leaves the apprentice to his work and heads to his office.

About an hour later, the apprentice comes and asks him for help.

“What is it?” The head morticia...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner...

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house--there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have ...

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

An Architect, a Doctor and a Lawyer are boasting about how smart their dogs are.

They finally agree that each will demonstrate their dog's prowess.

The architect calls his dog, puts some clay on the table and says, "Build
me a model of the Eiffel Towel." The dog does so and the architect throws
him a biscuit.

The doctor calls his dog and as he does he sees t...

An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.

​

They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?"

​

The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

Three men die and go to Heaven

They meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, who greets them and says "So Heaven is a vastly large place for everyone to spend the rest of eternity, and God has decided to grant vehicles to everyone upon admission, and he asks only one question, the answer to which determines what vehicle you are gran...

A Psych Professor was conducting an experiment with a Psych Student...

There was half of a glass of water sitting on a small table. They would have the subjects of the experiment (other students from the University) come in and describe what they see. Depending on the students’ answers, they would determine their personality type.

The first student comes in and ...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

Three workers show up for their first day in a mine

The foreman eyes them up to determine their respective roles. There’s a Polish man, Irish man, and a Chinese man.

“Kowalski, you’re a big guy. You’ll swing the pick and chip away at the coal” says the foreman.

“OKeefe, you’re strong too. Shovel the coal in this cart and wheel it up to...

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

On our honeymoon my new wife told me I was an awful lover.

I don't know how she could determine that in 2 minutes.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

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Chinese Proverbs

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four ball...

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to em...

How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

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The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obv...

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A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that heal...

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

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All women are bi...

It’s up to you to determine if it’s sexual or polar.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

A local monastery decides to test the competence of its nuns.

In an attempt to determine if the nuns at the local monastery are qualified to perform their sisterly duties, the monastery decides to hand out exams.

The majority of the sisters score well but one in particular, sister Encarnacion does outstandingly well.

In an attempt to preserve v...

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A Navy Admiral, Air Force General, and Marine General are prepping for retirement...

The VA clerk explains to them, “Gentlemen, we are going to try out a new policy. Pick 2 points on your body and whatever the distance in inches between them is, that will determine your annual retirement pay.”

The Navy Admiral steps forward and says, “Well let’s make this easy. I want you to ...

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...

How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb?

A hundred thousand!

One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit.

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...

Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
...

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Is there a God?

Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"

The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."

The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"

Again, the AI ...

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

A police officer pulls a man over who was driving erratically.

The officer walks up to the man's window and asks him.

"Sir, you are all over the road! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer to determine if you have been drinking."

The driver of the car shakes his head vehemently and says to the officer.

"Oh, I can't do that, officer! I...

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on n...

Joe, Bill, and Steve are shipwrecked on an obscure island populated by cannibals.

The cannibals tell the three that they have their own unique court system to determine whether they will eat the three unfortunate men. Each would choose a fruit, then that fruit would be inserted in their hind end. If at any point during the ordeal they showed any emotions they would be eaten. If t...

A duck stumbles out of a bar at closing time...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a duck stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for severa...

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A man tells his doctor about his wife's poor hearing.

In order to determine the level of hearing damage, the doctor tells the man to ask his wife something from 15 feet away, Moving 5 feet closer and trying again if she doesn't respond, until she responds.

The man then goes home and sees that his wife is cooking.

He stands 15 feet behind ...

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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

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A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,

So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.

The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.

The second wom...

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

Did you hear about the first death caused by a self driving car?

The police never pressed charges though, because they couldn't determine it's automotive.

I bought a new desk from IKEA....

And I noticed that a piece was missing. It was a connecting rod that should have been marked "A."

I called IKEA and told them about my issue. They said there must have been a shortage, but this was a limited-run item. I asked them what I should do. At that time, they informed me that I wa...

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
...

Two men are staring at a pole.

After a while a blonde woman walks up to them and asks them what they are looking at.
One of them says, " We are trying to determine the height of the pole."
So the blonde quickly opens her purse, removes a spanner, unscrews the bolts and lays the pole flat on the ground. She then pulls out a ...

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

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A guy with a bad stutter goes to see the doctor. [nsfw]

He tells the doctor the stutter is ruining his life by making it very hard to get a date. The doctor recommends a thorough examination to which the guy agrees.

When the guy drops his pants, the doctor sees an enormous penis and determines that is the cause of the stutter.

“What can be...

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The commander of the Russian military academy (corresponding to the rank of 4-star general in the US Army) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in ...

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Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on ...

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

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A woman is sunbathing ... [nsfw]

On a hot summers day, a woman lies in her backyard sunbathing. She wants a nice, even tan and since her yard has a high fence around it so she decides to strip naked.

With the warm sun on her skin and all the sounds of a hot summers day she starts drifting into sleep.

Suddenly she com...

There's a family with the last name Joke who have these creepy stalker impostors, when one day, the Joke family sees some shooting stars while on a road trip and disappear.

The news breaks that this family had disappeared while driving on the road. The search begins and they find a car similar to the one Mr. Joke was driving. They open and find who they believe to be the Jokes. They interview them but the story seems to be inconsistent with the actual event. They get D...

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The Pope gets very sick...

...nobody can figure out what's ailing him. Finally one of the Vatican doctors tells the pope, "It appears that your body is not functioning because of your abstinence. If you have sex with a woman you will be cured."

The pope thinks and prays for a few days and goes back to the doctor and ...

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PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
<...

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A Frenchman, Spaniard and Indian are sitting on the deck of a ship...

awaiting their punishments by the British Captain. The Captain approaches and says,"I have been given strict orders by the Commodore that the punishment shall fit the crime".

"You shall list the crime you have been convicted of, and I shall determine the appropriate punishment, which shall th...

Where's the brain located?

A reporter conducts a series of interviews on three teenagers to determine how intelligent the youth of today is. He starts his first interview. "Can you locate your brain?" The teenager points at his elbow and says "Here." The reporter says "Wrong!' and dismisses him.

He starts his second in...