I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not.

I just love the way it smells.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starte...

A Guy's Mom Comes to Have Dinner at His Apartment

She notices that his female roommate is very attractive, and drops a few hints to him, wondering if they are more than just roommates. He assures her this is not the case. Dinner and the visit conclude, and mom goes home.

The next day, his roommate notices that their large silver serving spo...

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

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Surprise...

I took a girl home from the club last night and while I was in the bathroom rummaging for condoms, she shouted “I hope you won’t be grossed out when you see that I’m in bed.”
I rushed into the bedroom to assure her that there was nothing wrong with her but I was met by a sight that took me by su...

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A bartender asked a patron why he is so sad...

The patron replies, "sad? This is turning out to be the best day of my life." The bartender presses on however and once again asks, "if today is the best day of your life why do you look just so sad?" The patron thinks about it for a second and tells the bartender "i dunno what to tell you its a gre...

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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we...

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.

Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.

"Well, i...

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Husband is getting ready to go out drinking with his buddies.

Wife is ironing his shirt and as he's putting it on, she gives him a warning about his drinking. "Remember, if you get so drunk that you throw up on your clothes. I'm going to be really upset". He assures her that he will be good and heads out to the bar to meet his friends. Of course he begins to d...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

Breaking news: After reading Matthew 19:24, megachurch pastor Joel Osteen has begun donating large sums of money.

"*Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.*" This simple verse inspired a startling change in one of the richest pastors in history, Joel Osteen.

With great enthusiasm, Mr. Osteen assures the public ...

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I a guy gets out of prison and heads to the local brothel, but only has two dollars to his name. Knowing it’s not much he goes in anyway.....

To his surprise the madam says, “We have something for every price.” She takes his two dollars and instructs him to go up the stairs to the second door on the right. He goes up, opens the door and finds a brightly lit room. As his eyes adjust he sees a chicken strutting around. He says to himself, “...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

3 presidents were in hell.

Nelson mandela, JFK and Stalin are all in hell.
Nelson Mandela walks up go the devil and says I want to make a call back home. The devil allows him to use the phone. 5 minutes later he hangs up and the devil gives him the bill, Its $100.

Next comes stalin. He makes the sane request and af...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

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A young couple gets married....

....and on their honeymoon, the young man asks his bride for a blow job. She refuses, saying "I'm afraid if I do that you won't respect me anymore". The husband assures her he would always respect her but she refuses.

Every year, on their anniversary the man makes the same request and the w...

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

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A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance

The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

Today my wife visited me at work. And this kid I was dealing with was really afraid of getting the vaccine shot.

So I told him "Don't worry, I'll be really quick and I assure you that you won't feel a thing."

And my wife whispered "That's what you should have said to me last night."

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[OP] Stevie Wonder is visited by a doctor who says that her experimental new procedure can cure his blindness.

Stevie says, "I've lived a great life so far, but it would be wonderful to see again some time before I go." The doctor tells him the procedure is very unorthodox, but Stevie tells her to go ahead and give it a try.

"Ok" she says, "it sounds strange, but for the procedure to work, you will h...

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Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

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[NSFW] A man goes to a prostitute...

A man goes to a prostitute and asks, "How much is a blow job?"

"$150."

The man says that's really expensive but the prostitute assures him that is worth it. The man agrees and hands her the money. He pulls out his penis and begins masturbating furiously.

"Hey what are you doin...

One of the nurses came over when she saw me crying in the waiting room.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't believe it," I wept, "I reversed my car into my mother-in-law."

"Sir, I can assure you that she'll be perfectly fine," the nurse replied.

I said, "Exactly."

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A women wants to surprise her husband so she visits a sex shop

And asks for something special for her husband. The owner says that he has a one of a kind frog that gives the best blowjobs a men can ask for.

She buys the frog and in the evening surprises her husband.
"I got you this frog as a present"
The husband is perplexed:
"Why did yo...

A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident.

They find themselves meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he’s about to let them in to Heaven. Before they go in, the woman says “St. Peter, we were planning to get married in a few months, is there any way we can get married in Heaven, so we can spend the rest of eternity together?”

“H...

The mental hospital is having the yearly inspection.

The general manager walks with the inspector on the courtyard while telling him about how the new garden creates a quiet and safe space for the patients.
On the distance they see an disheveled old man dragging a toothbrush over the grass, tied with a piece of dental floss.
"What's ailing t...

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight..

Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him….

Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir..

Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking f...

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The dick inside the pickle slicer! Posted originally by u/delvach on r/Damnthatsinteresting

One dude worked at the pickle factory. He's been there for years and his wife start to notice that he's acting strange around the house. One day she asks him what's wrong. He's hesitant but eventually tells her, "Lately I've been having this really terrible urge to.. stick my penis in the pickle...

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A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...

Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

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Mountain Man

Well Tom was a high powered business man and successful stock market trader, but he sure was fed up with life in the fast lane of New York City. Fed up with the hustle and the bustle. Fed up with the fickle market. But one night, sipping scotch, he realized that the root of all his problems was PEOP...

A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have eve...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

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NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.

She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.

When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.

She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the sho...

An American brings a Chinese Man to a hotdog stand.

The American orders a hotdog and assures the Chinese Man that the food here is very good.

When the hotdog is served, the Chinese Man begins to look pale.

The American asks, “What’s wrong?”

The Chinese Man replies, “When we eat dogs, we typically remove this part of the body. No...

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A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach...

...the wife picks it up and a genie pops out.

"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."

Poof.

They are transported to a beautifu...

A pilot finds a solution

A man in his early 60’s has been a pilot for over 30 years. Between his flights, he usually enjoys a warm cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

One day, as he is reading the news, he stumbles across an article that immediately catches his attention. The headline of the article says:
<...

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Grand Misunderstanding?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?...

An Icelander takes a trip to Norway but is worried because he doesn't speak the language.

His friend assures him that this shouldn't be a problem: just speak very slowly and the Norwegians will understand you perfectly fine. Once in Oslo the Icelander goes to a bar and tries to order a beer in very slow Icelandic:

"I... want... a... beer."

The bartender gives him a beer. It...

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

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Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you sure of that” he asked. “Any day” she replies “you die will be a Jewish holiday”

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The painter in the brewery

A painter got a contract to paint the ceiling at a local beer brewery, but sadly, he fell off his 10m ladder into a tank filled with 10,000 liters of beer and drowned.

The director of the brewery informs the wife of the painter that her husband had died in the tragic accident, and assures her...

Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

A man and his wife are driving down a highway...

...and the man is not wearing his seatbelt. He cruises down the Interstate when he notices a couple of cops seated by the road. Quickly, the man reaches for his seatbelt and continues to drive. Unfortunately for him, the cops have already spotted him and have started to catch up to him. The sirens s...

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A man goes to the doctor

The doctor says "what's wrong?"

The man says "well, I have a problem down there but I'm afraid you'll laugh at me"

She says "sir, I assure you I will not, I have worked here 10 years and have not once laughed at a patient's body"

He says "Well, alright." And drops his pants.
...

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Ku...

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

Special High Intensity Teaching

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that...

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Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...

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I used to work at an airport

One day a man came up to the counter absolutely seething.

He said 'first of all, I think that's my bag' and pointed to a suitcase sitting in lost property behind me.

'and second of all, I have it on good authority that my wife has been cheating on me behind my back with a member of t...

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Three men die and go to heaven

When the first guy arrives at the pearly gates, Saint Peter says "my son, we're a bit crowded here, and you're only allowed in heaven if you had a traumatic death". "Traumatic death?" the guy exclaims, "I just caught my wife cheating. I came to my apartment early and she was naked on the bed. And th...

Have you heard that joke about Peter Pan

Never gets old.



[I can assure you this is a repost. I've just not seen it for ages.]

How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.

Ajit Pai made inquiries about how a government shutdown could affect him

but Verizon assures him he'll still get paid

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

An old Persian joke

Long ago, there lived a poor peasant in the Persian Empire. The man had, some years before, lost his luck. His wife died, his meager wealth ebbed further away, and the poor peasant was on the verge of starvation. Realizing his life was growing grim, he decided that he would find his luck out there i...

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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

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A man takes home a prostitute

After they get back, she starts undressing him, first starting with the socks.

Once she gets them off, she sees that his toes are all mangled. She asks the man what happened and he replies, "When I was a child I had toelio"
The prostitute asks, "Do you mean Polio?"
He assures her it was...

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, alo...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

An old forest ranger is retiring.

At his retirement party he tells his successor, "Jerry, whatever you do, don't fire Hugh Williams".
Well Jerry doesn't really like being told what to do, especially by some guy on his way out the door, but he assures the old ranger he won't fire him.
A few years pass without incident, but as ...

The 2016 Presidential Election ended in a tie

So then president Obama decided the tie breaker would a race around the White House, with the fastest time being awarded the presidency. Bernie Sanders being the honest man he is went first, but is older and well past his physical prime, completed the race on 17 minutes 46 seconds. Trump being the n...

A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird i...

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

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Moses and Jesus golfing

So Jesus and Moses are playing some golf, and Jesus has a pond in between him and the hole. Jesus says "I'm going to bounce it off the water and into the hole."
Moses shakes his head "That's never going to work."
Jesus assures Moses "Nah don't worry, I saw Tiger Woods do it."
Jesus hits the...

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So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out

It went a bit like this

Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!

Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

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An 15 year old girl got pregnant.

After few days she told her mother about it.

Mother: "WHO IS THE FATHER? CALL THAT SON OF A BITCH NOW".

30 minutes later, a Rolls Royce Phantom stops in front of their house.

A matured grey haired man in a very expensive suit steps out.

Man: "I am sorry for the situation....

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A Monk And A Nun Are Playing Darts In A Monastery.

The monk throws his dart, and misses the board. "Oh shit, I missed" he says. The nun says, "Don't say that here, this is a holy place."

The monk assures her he will not, and throws his next dart. It misses the board. "Oh SHIT, I missed!"

The nun exclaims, "DO NOT SAY THAT HERE, THE LOR...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...

Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally.

Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally. A young applicant comes in and Trump greets him. 'There's no formalities here,' Trump assures the nervous young man, 'it's just a simple test. Here's a gun with six bullets. I want you to go out, shoot five M...

The Pope, Trump, and a Polak walk into a bar...

While they're walking in, the bartender hears them finishing up some discussion.

Trump says, "It's a deal, tremendous idea. A billion dollar contract, screen doors for every submarine in our fleet. Very, very impressive."

The pope says, "I assure you, guaranteed entry into heaven, no...

The Viper

A young woman lived alone in an apartment on the top floor of her building. One day, she got a phonecall on her landline from a number she didn't know. She answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. And I am coming to your apartment soon." Then the person hung up.
The woman didn't know ...

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In a first grade class on the first day of school

In a first grade class on the first day of school, the teacher wanted to get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names. A little boy stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker."
"Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher.
"That's right ho, my name is Mo...

The Wrestler.

There's an up-and-coming wrestler, and I mean a real wrestler not that glitzy camp showman stuff. Sweat and muscle. And he's good; with the able assistance of his manager, he's rising steadily in the ranks.

In fact he's so good, that he decides he can do it - he asks his manager to set up a t...

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A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.

"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"

The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find tho...

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

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Yasser Arafat calls George Bush the morning of 9/11.

"Speaking in behalf of all my population, I am truly sickened by the tragedy that happened and I wanted to assure you that we do not condone terrorist acts in any form or way."

"Sorry Yasser, but what are you talking about?"

"Oh shit guys why didn't you remind me of the different timez...

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A German engineer, an Indian engineer, and a Chinese engineer die and go to Heaven

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is there to greet them.

"As part of our skilled migration scheme, you will each have to propose a design for a planned 200 storey mixed-use development here in Heaven. The person with the most attractive proposal will be granted entry into Heaven. You have 4 day...

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

Email Blunder

A young married couple just got news that they were able to purchase their dream house in miami. The man tells the wife he'll go down a day early and make sure everything is in order, then she can fly down the following day. Upon arriving and making sure everything is how it should be, he emails his...

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Calculus

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well
liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how mu...

A blonde loses her checkbook...

When she reports this to her bank manager, he scolds her, "you need to be careful. Someone can forge your signature and steal your money!"

She assures him, "nah, I signed all my checks, so there's no space to forge my checks"

A lady goes to the doctor..

And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"

The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.

So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A fe...

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A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and th...

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