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Find Out Jokes

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.
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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

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How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?
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My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.
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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.
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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...
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A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...
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Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??

Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.

I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.

He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’...

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

A charity worker goes to visit a very successful businessman in his town to find out why he has never donated to any charity in the community.

"Sir, you have been so very successful in this town, and this community has given you much. Why have you never given back to the community?"

The businessman says, "Listen, son, did you know that my wife's mother has been suffering for years in the hospital, and requires constant care and medi...
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My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire
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What do you say, when you finally find out the Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief
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I'm trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is

But everyone keeps saying it's private
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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.
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I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(
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What's the worst thing to find out the hard way?

That your toaster is waterproof.
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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.
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How do people in Alabama find out about their ancestry?

Through a Incestry DNA.
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Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...
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My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".
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How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
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Ever want to find out who is more faithful.... your wife or your dog?

lock both in the trunk of your car for 6 hours and watch who is happier to see you when you let them out.
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I was stunned to find out that my grandfather was involved in human trafficking.

He used to volunteer as a crossing guard.
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I was surprised to find out that Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.
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I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out all the pages are blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia
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I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...

...got thrown out of the cemetery.
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I heard my local bank was offering mortgages with no interest, so I walked in and said, "I’m here to find out about mortgages." The worked looked at me and replied...

"I don’t really care."
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i have been trying to find out what LGBTQ is

but i cant get a straight answer
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If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...
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I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.

Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!
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A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...
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How do you find out what's in an e-cigarette?

Just ask someone not to smoke it next to you.
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A man was surprised to find out his donkey is pregnant.

He thought it's impossible to get pregnant by coming in ass.

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.
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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!
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Countries around the world are having a competition to find out which currency is the best

Brazilian trying to keep it real, Russian is in ruble, and South Korean won.
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What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”
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My town organized a competition yesterday to find out who is the best contortionist.

My friend entered himself and won.
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Where do you take a pie to find out how much it weighs?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

...weigh a pie.
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How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?

His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”
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How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?

He always had a hunch.
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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she sa...
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Herman Cain is going to find out about the Coronavirus 5x5x5 plan.

Positive test within 5 days of TrumpRallyTulsa

He spread Coronavirus to least 5 of his friends

He only has 5 minutes left of his 15 minutes of fame
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A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...
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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

A man returns home only to find out all the lamps in his house were stolen

He was delighted
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I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.
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A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate
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One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was...
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When did you find out Santa wasn't real?

For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle.

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.
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A guy goes to a psychic so he can find out what future has in store for him.

After a few minutes the psychic tells him he will be responsible of milions of deaths.

The guy then leaves, very worried about what he just heard. While walking down the street, he sees a car going very fast towards a little boy and it was looking like the boy will get hit.

He runs to ...

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