The 88+ Best Find Out Jokes

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Took my wife to the doctor to find out what’s going on with her??

Took my wife to the doctor to get looked at. The doctor says it could be two things either
A) She has aids or B) She has Alzheimer’s.

I asked the doctor how easy is it to tell which one she has.

He replies take her and drop her off in the woods. If she finds her way back home don’...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

What's the worst thing to find out the hard way?

That your toaster is waterproof.

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

I was stunned to find out that my grandfather was involved in human trafficking.

He used to volunteer as a crossing guard.

How do people in Alabama find out about their ancestry?

Through a Incestry DNA.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is…

But everyone keeps saying it's private

Ever want to find out who is more faithful.... your wife or your dog?

lock both in the trunk of your car for 6 hours and watch who is happier to see you when you let them out.

How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

I was surprised to find out that Elon Musk was born in South Africa

I thought he was born in Mad-at-gas-car.

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My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

Putin goes to fortune teller to find out his future.

She says:

"I see you on the car, arriving to a parade, there's an enormous crowd, they're crying for happiness when they see you, everybody is happy".

"Great! I'll lead the parade, who I will handshake with?"

"Nobody, your coffin will be closed".

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...

...got thrown out of the cemetery.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

how bad I am as an electrician.

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

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I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.

Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

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How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.

(Too soon?)

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...

Countries around the world are having a competition to find out which currency is the best

Brazilian trying to keep it real, Russian is in ruble, and South Korean won.

How did Will Smith find out Jada was cheating on him?

She kept telling him she was going to the hair salon

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire

After 15 years of marriage you find out your spouse had been with hundreds of men before you got hitched.

Is this a big deal or is my wife overreacting?

The third-grade class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece...

How to find out if you're old or not:

Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."

I sucked at tennis.

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?

His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”

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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are

•
•
You a curious motherfucker.

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

Apparently it is impossible to find out the true number of Americans hospitalized due to hippo attacks...

Publishing that information would be a HIPPO violation.

[Cite: heavily inspired by a recent XKCD comic].

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A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. Wh...

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

i have been trying to find out what LGBTQ is

but i cant get a straight answer

Where do you take a pie to find out how much it weighs?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

...weigh a pie.

I just had to go to the doctor after an out of body experience to find out if I had depersonalization disorder

I was beside myself with worry.

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A man was surprised to find out his donkey is pregnant.

He thought it's impossible to get pregnant by coming in ass.

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A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would dis...

How did Igor find out that he was different than everybody else?

He always had a hunch.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

My town organized a competition yesterday to find out who is the best contortionist.

My friend entered himself and won.

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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

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I found this amazing app that let's you find out which of your friends are racists, which ones are sexists and even which ones are just crazy.

It's called 'Facebook'.

My friend was upset to find out my percussion instrument liked both males and females.

I replied "mate, just let bi-gongs be bi-gongs".

I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out all the pages are blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was...

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

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I never get sympathy when people find out I always cry after having sex

Apparently it’s ‘my fault I’m in prison’.

I really wish I could find out what happened with my friend that couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, just for closure.

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it.

it's a virus.

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

A girl goes to a psychic. Don and Joe both like her and she is confused and wants to find out who is the lucky one that can be her life partner.

Psychic: "Don is going to the be the lucky one.

Joe will marry you."

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

People who wonder how big any man you meet is, there is one easy way to find out without seeing them naked, and you may not have been aware of it. It WILL work 100% of time.

Just ask your mom.

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

The moment we find out dogs really could sniff out coronavirus infections...

We'd ask WHO, let the dogs out! WHO! WHO!

How did Bugs Bunny find out his girlfriend was cheating on him?

She coughed up a hare ball.

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[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”

The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”

The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

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I barged into Snow White's room to find out what all the noise was about.

I'll tell you one thing, she wasn't fucking happy.

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How do you find out of a redneck girl is a virgin?

Make her race her brothers.

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What's the fastest way to find out the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

How do you find out if a girl is ticklish?

Give her two test tickles

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