A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it

Guess I really am independent

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

Have a ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It's beauty was unpresidented

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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A history professor is lecturing his class on changing beauty standards. He shows his class a black-and-white picture of a woman who is 4'10" and has very small breasts.

"This woman won several beauty pageants in the 1930s," says the professor. "Do you think she'd do very well in a beauty pageant today?"

"Definitely not," says one of the students.

"What makes you say that?" implores the prof.

"Well," says the student, "she's very, very old today...

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

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My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

I hate people that overlay pictures on other pictures

They're super imposing

Where does a Rastafarian save his pictures?

In DA BUMBACLOUD

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

I took a picture of the 5th letter of the alphabet today

Epic

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

Did you hear about the picture that hung itself?

I don't believe them... It was clearly framed

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

reCAPTCHA asked me to identify pictures of tractors.

That's really not my field.

Last week I got a picture framed

Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pick up artist.

Don’t make fun of the short guy hanging his still-life pictures

That’s just low hanging fruit

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My friend was looking at a picture of Stalin, FDR, and Churchill when...

A news video of Putin, Johnson, and Trump appeaered on television.

"Things have really changed a lot in the last 75 years, haven't they?"

"Nah, some things never change."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"One holds a parade in Moscow to celebrate his triumph over Nazi Germa...

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

I was at a museum and I asked a worker if I was allowed to take pictures

He told me no, they had to stay on the walls.

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

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Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn...

But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

The preacher and the ghost.

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the gh...

I got fired from my Job at Panda Express for forwarding pictures of bad stir fry.

My boss said I should have labeled them Not Safe For Wok

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

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A girl in art class

A little girl was in art class. The teacher walked up to her and asked: “What are you drawing?” The little girl replied “I’m drawing a picture of God.” “But nobody knows what God looks like!” The teacher said. “They will in a minute.” the girl replied

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

I drew a picture of myself in a giant mansion surrounded by Lamborghinis and Ferraris

So on paper I'm a millionaire

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woma...

I just realized why I don't look good in pictures anymore.

It's my face.

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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A blonde is putting together a puzzle.

She calls her boyfriend at work and tells him that she needs him to come home to help her.

He keeps telling her that he can’t leave work right now, but she’s very insistent.

“Well, what’s the picture on the box?” He asks.

“It’s a tiger.” She says.

“Then just try to make a...

Person 1: I made a picture of a dog.

Person 2: It doesn't look much like a dog.

Person 1: I know, it's just a ruff sketch.

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What animal is this?

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

 “A cat!” said Lizy.

 “Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

 “A dog!” said Ricky.

 
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

 
The class fell silent. Af...

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

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A joke my dad told me

A man visits a doctor and says, “Doctor, I think i have a problem.”

“Well, let’s hear it” The doctor says

M: “Every time i see a group of men i think they’re gay.”

D: “Ok, let’s test it, I’ll show you some pictures and you tell me what you think”

*The doctor shows him a p...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

The twins

A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the...

I just love how...

You can put anything as a profile picture on Reddit and nobody will notice.

I was once with a friend who saw a gecko in the wild and proceeded to take more than 300 pictures of it.

Sadly, the doctor later told him that he had a reptile dysfunction.

A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor  and says “this man truly belongs he...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

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When the police showed me nude pictures of my neighbors, I was shocked

that they found them on my computer.

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I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I met an old drunk at the bar

He had a picture of his wife in his pocket. Almost every hour, he’d take it out and look at her. I asked him why and he replied, “As soon as she starts to look pretty, I know it’s the time to go home.”

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

Why do dads always take pictures?

Cause they are your paparazzi

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A man goes into a bar and orders for a beer. "Here's what you do, you give me a fresh new bottle each time I finish until I tell you to stop." he tells the bartender

The bartender sees nothing wrong with his request, and nods.

Immediately the man downs his beer, pulls out his wallet, looks at a picture, and downs another bottle. He does this routinely until he reaches 10 bottles at which he finally takes out money from his wallet, pays for the beers, and ...

Jesus

Churches should use a picture of Jesus rather than a statue cause it would require only one nail.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

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A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”

The panda g...

Name 3 things that don't hang themselves

Pictures, Drywall and Jeffrey Epstein

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I accidentally send everyone in my address book a picture of my penis

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

You wanna see a picture of my dad?

[Image not found]

What does an English teacher say when taking a group picture

Simile

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Post-humor

A country man milks a cow. Only the bucket was half full the cow jerks its leg and knocks over the bucket. Then the man found some rope and standing on a stool tied the cow by the leg to the crossbar on
the ceiling.

When the bucket is half full again the cow kicks the bucket again and it o...

I drew a picture with a pyrite Sharpie

It was a golden doodle

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A woman buys a picture frame from the Hardware Store.

The store man says, would you like a screw for that?

She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

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