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Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

How many Karen's does it take to hang a picture.

1, if she talks for long enough the picture will hang itself.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

Your oldest picture is the youngest picture of you...

... and your youngest picture is the oldest picture of you.

I finally figured out why there are so few pictures of bigfoot.

Your mom doesn't like having her picture taken.

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

Today I saw an interesting sign at a picture framing shop.

"SHOOT THE FAMILY, HANG THE KIDS, FRAME THE WIFE."

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

Here’s a picture of me with REM.

That’s me in the corner.

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

What do you call a picture of a chest?

A “Treasured” moment

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Inflation is so bad right now ..

That a picture is now worth 2000 words.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much

I got low frame rates

Stephen Wilhite, creator of the GIF, has died aged 74 :(

Pictures at his funeral were said to be very moving.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a ...

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

What do you call someone who exclusively paints pictures of WWF's Mankind?

A Foley artist.

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

Kid walks into a police station.

kid walks into a police station, goes up to the most wanted wall.
Cop: "Hi can i help you?"
kid: "why are these people on the wall"
popo: "We have to catch them they're bad"
kid: "Why didn't you catch them when you took the picture?"

I once saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

I hate how my friend is always painting pictures of themselves...

It’s a poor trait

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

What do you call a woven picture of a naked girl?

A fapestry

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

Does anyone know what an ink blot test is?

I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me.

A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.

He said “ain’t she beautiful?”

I told him “if you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

“Why? Is she a stunner as well?”

“No she’s an optician”

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

horse and a donkey meet for a drink. (soccer joke)

Horse and a donkey meet and go to the horses house for drinks.
On the walls of the horses house are medals trophies and ribbons.
Donkey asks: "what are all the rewards from?"
Horse:"I used to race and I was pretty good so I won all these medals and trophies"
After they finished drinking,...

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

Ociffer

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. ...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model

...they hired me as the "before" picture.

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

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Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Merry Christmas..

Bad news

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news fi...

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!

You need a camera to take pictures!

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

I want to hang a picture of Jesus

How many nails should I use?

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

Juan and Amal are twins, but their mother only carries around a picture of Juan.

When asked why she replies, “Once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”

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I have pictures of girls showing their tits.

I keep them on my flash drive.

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

So this guy goes to his pharmacist to pick up his medicines.

At the pharmacist he starts having a breakdown. A little concerned about the man, the pharmacist asks him what's the matter? The man cries out that no one has ever liked any of his social media posts. The pharmacist takes a look at all his gloomy pics and suggests that he should smile more and look ...

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

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