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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

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Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

Here's a picture of me with REM

That's me in the corner.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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Hi Lads.

Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.

If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.

Merry Christmas..

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

I once saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

What do you call a woven picture of a naked girl?

A fapestry

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help ...

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic

I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.

I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.

“Aren’t there two of them?” I asked.

She replied:...

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself

She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

I tried to win an autographed picture of the Mystery Gang on eBay.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling bids.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Appreciating Art

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she i...

New playboy magazine

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?


A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead and a black haired woman die and go to heaven.

While exploring heaven they all meet and introduce themselves but the blonde refuses to speak and has her cheeks puffed up with air.

The other 3 curious of what's going on try to solve the mystery of why she is that way and try to find out how she died, in the middle of their discussion they...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a...

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.

He said “ain’t she beautiful?”

I told him “if you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

“Why? Is she a stunner as well?”

“No she’s an optician”

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

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A penis is like a unicycle

It’s fun to ride, but don’t send pictures of it to strangers.

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I have pictures of girls showing their tits.

I keep them on my flash drive.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!

You need a camera to take pictures!

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one.

After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot.

The man replies, “I have a picture of my w...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

I need some Cyanide!

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."              

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husba...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

I want to hang a picture of Jesus

How many nails should I use?

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

Banta the Furniture dealer



Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.


After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

Juan and Amal are twins, but their mother only carries around a picture of Juan.

When asked why she replies, “Once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

A man liked to draw pictures of his friend Barry and his other friend Larry.

Larry was annoyed because he Drew Barrymore.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him...

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him!

Tinder hookups are like microwave dinners.

Done in 2 minutes, looks nothing like the picture, but just good enough to make you come back for more when you are desperate and nothing better is available

I like how every stranger stays still when I take their picture

I guess dead people are useful for something.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

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My wife wanted pictures of us having sex,

My wife wanted pictures of us having sex, thats really bloody embarrassing, especially when the women pulled the curtain back on the photo booth in the supermarket.

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues. He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music, one to dan...

What do you call a website where you pay to look at pictures of Spanish desserts?

OnlyFlans

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

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Prescription

Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...

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The ink blot test

This guy is with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist decides to give him a Rorschach ink blot test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first ink blot.
The guy says "That's a man and a woman having sex".
The psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot
The guy says "That's a man and two women...

A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby.

I told him, "that's a really nice phone."

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, “Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” ...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am."

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has ...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

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Goldberg owns a hardware store

He needs something for his idiot son to do, so he puts him in charge of advertising and buy a big billboard on a busy highway.

Next day, Goldberg is driving by the billboard and nearly has an accident when he sees the ad: a picture of Jesus on the cross with the line "They used Goldberg's n...

I went up to this girl and asked if she could take a picture of me, and she said yes.

So I handed her a framed portrait of me and walked away.

A woman has twins

and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. He...

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...

That's me in the corner.

Interesting that the “picture everyone naked” trick to ease anxiety while presenting in front of a group of people...

...was taught by our elementary school teachers.

I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges

They are hill areas!

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed

Because he was framed

A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe and the man says "Take off your robe - we're married now!"

“Okay,” she says seductively while taking off her robe.

“Can I take a picture of you?”

“Why?”

"So I can carry you with me.”

A few hours later the man comes ou...

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

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