This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

Yo mama so stupid she heard about a school shooting and thought it was picture day

Zing?

Two necrophiles are sitting on a bus and look at pictures of their girlfriends.

One turns to the other and says "Where did you dig up that one?"

I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am

Independent

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus.

It only took one nail to hang the picture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

Because of the egg getting the most liked picture on Instagram an age old question has been answered.

The egg came first

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Picture a woman with 12 boobs...

Looks weird dozen tit?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

Trump’s Least Favorite Picture Book

Where’s Wall Dough?

A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

TMZ has reported that they have explicit pictures of Donald Trump.

They plan to publish the pictures online starting tomorrow.

When ask for comment the President just said, “Fake nudes”.

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

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Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

Tried to take a picture of some fog.

Mist.

My wife on April's Fool's Day texted me a picture of a sonogram with the message: "Guess what I'm pregnant again”

I texted back: "Haha very funny, I know what today is, you're like the third person to send me that today.

What do you call someone who takes pictures of gases as they're released?

A fartographer

LPT: You can make easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It is like shooting fish in apparel.

My dad sent me a picture of his balls.

He said I should always remember where I came from.

Sometimes I look at pictures of myself from back when I was a kid and think

"I would murder this guy in a fight. No contest."

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you jerk off to old pictures?

A *Blast* from the *Past*...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet?

Sword Art Online.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

My teenage daughter has been trying to straighten a picture on her bedroom wall for the past hour.

She literally can’t even.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

I saw a picture online that had Dre, Seuss, and House cropped into the background.

Clearly it had been doctored.

I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never gets old

The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.

The details are sketchy.

How do you say picture in french?

J’peg.

I was trying to collect every repost of this sub by taking a picture of each one

But my computer doesn’t have enough storage

Who is this Rorschach guy

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

My picture got framed the other day...

Now it's upstate doing time for armed robbery.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Gordon Ramsey say when you show him cute animal pictures on reddit?

It's fucking r/aww!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought my friend with OCD a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa for his birthday.

He's going fucking nuts trying to hang it straight.

The farmer thought the picture showed too much land...

...so he cropped it!

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

Why do pictures rotated counter clockwise hate giving high fives

Because they're always *left hanging*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the hell did I get banned for just a picture of a banana?

...maybe I shouldn’t have included a penis for scale...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

They stopped putting pictures of missing kids on milk cartons, and started posting them on r/jokes

They get much wider coverage. No one reposts more than r/jokes.

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why I have no fucking money in there.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I uploaded pictures of my butt to iCloud

I guess I just like to back that ass up.

I just can’t take pictures of myself anymore...

I’ve run out of selfie-steam.

My wife went to Jupiter and found pictures of me and a mistress.

She was crushed. My mistress asked what the big deal was... she didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a walking stick?

Ans: You take a picture with a camera not a walking stick.

What do you call it when you cut out the Presidents' pictures from your bills?

Defacing currency

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know if you photograph your butt the picture will never come out blurry?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

Why couldn’t the press take pictures of the fastest superhero?

No Flash photography.

Why did the picture hang itself?

Because it was framed!

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A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"

got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks
into his pocket.

The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts
to look good then i'll go home."

“When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom,” a man told his buddy.

“Your dad showed you pictures of venereal diseases?” the friend asked.

“No,” the first said, “they were all pictures of me.”

I finally figured out why I look so ugly in all my pictures

It's my face

My friend asked me what I got on prime day..

I answered "a bunch of pictures of dogs"

Donald Trump was greeted with a naked picture of Kim Jong Un in today's meeting

Kim thought his advisors told him to interfere with US erections.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.

H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?


W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.


H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!


W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no probl...

I once knew this annoying couple that would show everyone they met a picture of their kid. One day I snapped and told them...

"It's been 2 years. You're never going to find him."

I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My cat went missing, so I photocopied a bunch of pictures of her, and I need your help

I've been told r/jokes is the best sub for posting copies.

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

I didn't believe that a friend had a picture of his mom after a bukkake party with Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and Davy Jones.

But then I saw her face...

Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder....

“Where the hell did that shirt go?”

What do you call a picture where the prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cellfies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man, I got banned from a dating website because I broke the "no dicks, boobs or asshole pictures" rule.

I didn't notice Trump on TV in the background.

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

I took a picture of your brain..

But it wasn’t developed yet.

What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?

Shelfies






alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


Shellfies





alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?


Shell Fees






alt. Why did my wife leave me?


I cheated on her


alt. ...