I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it...

Guess I really am... Independent!

A girl on Tinder asked me why my cigarette isn’t lit in my picture...

I told her i’m just looking for matches

Here’s a picture of me with REM

That’s me in the corner.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

when you watch a picture of Tupac you see Tupac

but when you watch two pictures of him you see 4Pac

My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pickup artist.

What do you call someone who beats it to pictures of cheese?

A feta-shist!

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

^I'm ^sorry

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

When you want a picture taken with a celebrity at a concert or event

just make sure you shave your head and wear a hospital gown, works for me every time.

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

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Wife said, you know Hun a picture is worth a thousand words, I said.

Well go to art school and shut the fuck up:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.

I tried to take some high resolution pictures of some local farmland the other day.

Unfortunately they all turned out really grainy.

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I spanked a picture of Dwayne Johnson's butt

Then I knew I hit rock bottom

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

I took a picture of a meteor shower that looked just like the main character from The Legend of Zelda.

Link in the comets.

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

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I know a guy who always takes a picture of his dick before having sex...

Apparently if you take a picture, it'll last longer.

I keep a picture of my wife and kids at my work desk that way no matter how bad a work day gets

I'll always be reminded how much worse it is at home and keep me working late.

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

Why did the picture get arrested?

It got framed.

I ran into a famous artist at the airport and politely asked if I could take a picture. He said yes and smiled at me.

I don't understand why he suddenly got so angry when I asked if I may keep the frame.

Scientists have taken the first pictures of the interior of a black hole.

It's all pink.

My wife told me that if I took one more picture of her, she'd leave me

That's when I snapped!

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I saw a picture of my dad’s junk today

I said, “Damnit dad stop texting me this shit!”

*shows pictures of different brands of stereos that are black

Damn, that's a lot black stereo types.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I collect pictures of MILFs.

They are my pokemom cards.

Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends...

That really brings back some good mammaries.

You should send picture of your ex to NASA.

Apparently they are desperate to get a photograph of A hole that sucks all your time, light and energy.

I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

I got a tattoo the other day, its a picture of me.

Only a little bit taller.

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

Flat Earthers say we’ve never truly seen real pictures of the earth

but I’ve never seen my dad and I know he’s real

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

I was taking pictures of the scenery as my mom drove me around town.

Police stopped us for committing drive-by shootings.

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

My friend was looking at an old school picture of me and asked "Hey, did you grow a beard?"

No, I shaved my photos.

Will someone please make a picture book out of the Mueller Report

So Trump supporters can finally read it

My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

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Do I have to draw you a picture?

Son: "Dad, a kid got in trouble at school today for saying "bitch" and "pussy", what does that mean?"

Dad: Grabs an old muffler shop calendar and a marker. "Look here Junior." Dad uses the marker and circles the genitalia of the nude Miss December, then points. "That right there, that i...

A woman goes to a pharmacist and says, "I want to buy some poison"

The pharmacist says, "What do you want poison for?"

"I want to kill my husband" she says.

"I can't sell you poison to kill your husband!"

The woman hands the pharmacist a picture of his wife fooling around with her husband.

"Ah!" says the pharmacist, "I see you have a pre...

I framed a picture of a caduceus and wore it for Halloween

I was a picture of health.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

I got banned from Instagram for posting food pictures

Apparently they only want to see the food "Before" you eat it, not "After"

Why aren’t there many pictures of the Sphinx from the back?

People get uncomfortable taking pictures of its sphinxter

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...

It was frowned upon.

Have you heard about Ted? The guy with a talent for animated internet pictures?

He's gifted

With the announcement of the first picture of a black hole, scientists have confirmed

once you go black you never do come back

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Why do I keep seeing pictures of bald kids in children’s hospitals?

Like honestly it’s not *that* hard to wash your hair

The first picture of a black hole was released today

but technology will need another century before it can capture an image of your mom.

My friend once showed me a picture of a band of what he called "ogres"

I told him that they definitely weren't ogres, but They Might Be Giants.

I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

Two necrophiles are sitting on a bus and look at pictures of their girlfriends.

One turns to the other and says "Where did you dig up that one?"

They finally released the first picture of the black hole the other day.

I found the story really sucks you in and helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.

The big picture on the box

A blonde called her boyfriend over the telephone. 

Blonde: " Baby, I can't get my new jigsaw puzzle complete, all the edges could not fit together." 
Boyfriend: " What does the puzzle supposed to look like?" 
Blonde: " The big picture on the box shows a big rooster. "
Boyfriend: "Oka...

Yo mama so stupid she heard about a school shooting and thought it was picture day

Zing?

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Why did a diver that took a picture of fishes got arrested?

He shot a school of fish.

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Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

It's sad to see so many pictures end up in jail.

Most have been framed.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,

Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.

What is it called when you take pictures with plants?

photosynthesis

Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

I took pictures of plants during a nature hike

When I went to get them developed, I thanked the clerk for his Photosynthesis.

My dad sent me a picture of his balls.

He said I should always remember where I came from.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

Tried to take a picture of some fog.

Mist.

Because of the egg getting the most liked picture on Instagram an age old question has been answered.

The egg came first

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never gets old

A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

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Picture a woman with 12 boobs...

Looks weird dozen tit?

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What do you call it when you jerk off to old pictures?

A *Blast* from the *Past*...

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

Trump’s Least Favorite Picture Book

Where’s Wall Dough?

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

What do you call a bad saber picture on the internet?

Sword Art Online.

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

My girlfriend complained about how ugly the pictures I was taking of her were...

I said “Well what do you want me to do? That’s what you look like.”

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

Who is this Rorschach guy

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting

LPT: You can make easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It is like shooting fish in apparel.

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