The 100+ Best Picture Jokes

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

I got a picture of my girlfriend sleeping with another man, followed an hour later by a message saying "April Fools!"

I should stop falling for that, it's the fourth time this month.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

How many Karen's does it take to hang a picture.

1, if she talks for long enough the picture will hang itself.

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

I took a picture of my girlfriend sleeping and she looked incredible

Apparently I still shouldn't show my wife

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.

He said “ain’t she beautiful?”

I told him “if you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

“Why? Is she a stunner as well?”

“No she’s an optician”

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look...

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Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

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When you get captured by cannibals, they show you pornographic pictures...

So there's more meat

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

I once saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

Why can't you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can't take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

Found my old copy of Picture of Dorian Gray in the attic

It has not aged well.

I tried moving a picture on Microsoft word.

Now I’m 14 pages down and ina new city

I painted a picture of some bread I bought at the store that I really admired…..

It was my roll model.

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I know a tattoo shop where you can get inked for free if you let them put a picture of your breasts on the wall

Tit for tat

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished.

"Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

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I was showing people pictures of me at my parents wedding

And everyone called me a bastard. Did I do something to piss them off?

I put googly eyes on every picture of someone I see

That might be why I got kicked out of that funeral...

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I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

The picture on the desk

After a night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a picture of another man on a desk.

The guy began to worry.

\- "Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

\- "No" she replied, snuggling up to him.

\- "Your boyfriend then?...

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I'm not gonna draw a nude picture of you for free.

but I'll do it for exposure.

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

One year for my sister’s wedding anniversary, I bought my sister a jigsaw puzzle that when put together would show her wedding picture.

Little did I know that shortly after that, her marriage literally went to pieces.

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

Your oldest picture is the youngest picture of you...

... and your youngest picture is the oldest picture of you.

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My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion...

I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch

About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What’s wrong?" His mother said.
"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny’s mother started.
"Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I d...

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in an art competition they asked the competitors to draw a picture representing famine around the world

the 3rd place award went to a picture of a child next to a piece of bread but can't reach it for he is too weak to even move, symbolising their suffering and their weakness.

2nd place went to a picture of a child so thin and so weak lying on the ground and a crow a couple of meters away waiti...

What do you call a woman who takes pictures of celebrities?

A mamarazzi.

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

What do you call a picture of a chest?

A “Treasured” moment

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

Today I saw an interesting sign at a picture framing shop.

"SHOOT THE FAMILY, HANG THE KIDS, FRAME THE WIFE."

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

I uploaded a picture of a walnut but people complained that it was too blurry.

Now I have to deal with the nut post clarity.

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.

What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

What do you call a woven picture of a naked girl?

A fapestry

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

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