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Picture Jokes

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head

And she broke my neck.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed.

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book...

Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps...

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day....

That's me in the corner.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

Your oldest picture is the youngest picture of you...

... and your youngest picture is the oldest picture of you.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

I got a picture of my girlfriend sleeping with another man, followed an hour later by a message saying "April Fools!"

I should stop falling for that, it's the fourth time this month.

I took a picture of my girlfriend sleeping and she looked incredible

Apparently I still shouldn't show my wife

I tried moving a picture on Microsoft word.

Now I’m 14 pages down and ina new city

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I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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When you get captured by cannibals, they show you pornographic pictures...

So there's more meat

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

The picture on the desk

After a night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a picture of another man on a desk.

The guy began to worry.

\- "Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

\- "No" she replied, snuggling up to him.

\- "Your boyfriend then?...

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Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

Found my old copy of Picture of Dorian Gray in the attic

It has not aged well.

Why can't you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can't take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look...

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There’s these three guys, and they’re sitting around a table.

The first guy says “You know what, I’m fast.
I think I’m so fast, I might be the fastest guy in the world”
So his buddies time him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

The second guy says “You know what, I’m tall.
I think I’m so tall, I might be the...

A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.

He said “ain’t she beautiful?”

I told him “if you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

“Why? Is she a stunner as well?”

“No she’s an optician”

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

I once saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before it was carved

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

What do you call a scuba diver taking pictures of fish?

A school shooter

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

I put googly eyes on every picture of someone I see

That might be why I got kicked out of that funeral...

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I was showing people pictures of me at my parents wedding

And everyone called me a bastard. Did I do something to piss them off?

Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

I painted a picture of some bread I bought at the store that I really admired…..

It was my roll model.

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I'm not gonna draw a nude picture of you for free.

but I'll do it for exposure.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

I painted half a picture of Bruce Lee & quit:

I'm a Partial Artist

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

What do you call a picture of a chest?

A “Treasured” moment

A picture worth millions

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that s...

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

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The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

I hate people that overlay pictures on other pictures

They're super imposing

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I want to hang a picture of Jesus

How many nails should I use?

What do you call a woman who takes pictures of celebrities?

A mamarazzi.

Today I saw an interesting sign at a picture framing shop.

"SHOOT THE FAMILY, HANG THE KIDS, FRAME THE WIFE."

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

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I saw Denzel Washington on the street today.

I said "Hey Denzel! Can I get a picture with you?"
And he's all like "I'm not Denzel Washington you racist piece of shit."
Classic Denzel.

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My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion...

I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

What do you call a woven picture of a naked girl?

A fapestry

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I drew a picture of a single butt cheek...

Everyone said it looked half-assed

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

I love spoiling the plot of The Picture of Dorian Gray

Never gets old

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